Downtime

I cannot focus on my studies again today.

I have not had the desire to bicycle for a week.

George is due on Tuesday, and it is because of george that I am depressed and lethargic. My hormonal balance becomes completely screwed up within ten days of onset of menses. With onset begins three to four days of excruciating pain and heavy flow, which confines me to bed in a drugged haze. Around day three or four, I get a huge burst of manic energy and try to get a lot done, which reactivates the flow and the pain, and lands me back in bed for one more day. After that, I get a second manic upswing, but not as bursty as the first, and menses ends for another 27 days.

But when you think about it, because my body starts Downtime up to ten days before george, this means that in any given month, I actually only have about two good weeks, and the rest is depression/pain.

I got my very first period when I was fourteen.
I’ve been dealing with this depression and pain surrounding my menses since the age of fifteen. That’s twenty years.

I have between five and fifteen years left before onset of Menopause. I don’t want to have to go through this pain any longer, only to be met with the horrors of Menopause. But I don’t want to get a total hysterectomy because then I’ll have to take Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), which is known to cause cancer.
A partial hysterectomy (leaving ovaries in and only taking uterus out) may be the way to go for me, but I haven’t studied enough about the effects of that, yet.

In the meantime, I’m too depressed to focus on my studies today, and the state test is in six days. However, within the next two days, I’ll be a bedridden, medicated zombie, so studying will be virtually useless, anyway.

This is my fate. It’s not about accepting it – I don’t have any choice in the matter. Fighting it only increases the depression.
I already know I won’t pass the test this time around anyway, but knowing that things are largely out of my control physiologically at the moment doesn’t stop me from feeling like a failure in life.

It brings about an entire conversation in my head over what I really should be doing with my life. Is it the right thing for me to be working for others? No. It’s not. The right thing for me is to be working for myself, whether as a writer or a genealogist, with astrology on the side (note how genealogy and astrology is also a writing career) but I don’t know *how* to do that. The resources are out there, but I don’t know where to start. And of course, there’s the fear and perceived lack of finances.

And yet, knowing what the right thing for me to do in life is, I went and applied to be a teacher, which granted, I’m good at. I went to college for it. I taught daycare for five years.

But is teaching right for me? It’s a two-year commitment to accept a job with the Teaching Fellows.

A major life decision has to be made in the next ten days. I can’t screw it up.

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