I Will Not Suffer In Silence

The end of my first week back to work has ended in tears.

george is due tomorrow and my hormones are all out of whack.

And this week I started drinking again to the point of getting drunk due to work stress.

I ran out of my anti-anxiety medicine last Sunday, so I’ve been taking my muscle relaxers and a bit of wine to cope. But last night I joined friends at the tiki bar and got smashed on two drinks (well the 2nd drink is more like five-in-one and is appropriately called The Zombie).

Today my shoulders started to seize up and my lower back began to ache.
Then I got joint pain in my shoulders and wrists and knees.

Then without warning, a panic attack came on at work where suddenly I felt as if I was being smothered. I gasped for air and my heart raced and panicked. I maintained very well on the exterior but inwardly the panic grew. Why was this happening at work? Why right now? I grabbed the bottle of Ensure I’d had with my lunch and scanned the ingredients for anything speedy or caffinated. I saw nothing. But shit, the next call will come in at any second - I work in a phone queue, and then what? What if I still can’t compose myself by the time the call comes in?

I was waivery-voiced but maintained, and by the end of that next call, I was composed again.

Depression was starting to seep in, and hit full blast when I had a bunch of calls at the end of the day that added to my work load and made me stay a half an hour overtime. I’ve done that four times out of five this week so far. That’s typical, too.

And also this week, the managers expressed a need for volunteers for the weekend because they’re short staffed. I felt pressed and obliged. I will be working Saturday. I need the money anyway and I’m off on Monday for dead ex-president’s day, a day off I can never understand being granted to people. But then, I’m wholly unpatriotic to begin with, so of course I don’t understand.

The idea of working six days straight on my first week back to work when my period is due on that sixth day of work however caught up with me today and I became depressed. I barely make it through a five-day work week as it is. Now I know that six is just too much and sets me over the edge.

My depression worsened when, at the end of the work day and talking to my boyfriend, I realised that I’d not packed any club clothes or makeup. But yet I’d agreed to meet up at a friend’s house so we could all carpool to the club tonight. A bandmate of my boyfriend is playing tonight in a side-project band.
My shallow side kicked in hard. “I can’t show up at the club dressed in work clothes”, I whined.

So I came straight home from work. But in that hour and a half commute home, the depression sank me even lower.

On February 14th, it took me TWO and a half hours to get home because of traffic. I thought I’d take a short cut to avoid the massive backup. I studied a map and off I went. And went. And went. And missed my turnoff. And got turned around and lost.
I should have been sobbing from that experience, but I went numb. I stared ahead as I drove. Silent. Numb.

I got home and whined for sushi and my man and I walked to the local sushi joint. But I forgot my special wheat free soy sauce. So I had to walk back home and get it.

Even the sushi sucked.

And here I am, two days later, sore eyes from sobbing right after my boyfriend left the house to go off to the club, and then after that off to a hotel for the weekend for a game convention. I’m normally not sobby like this. He goes off to see his friends for game every Sunday, and has band practice twice a week, and goes to game conventions twice a year for an entire weekend.

But today I am all weepy and emotional because of several factors. It was my first week back to work after surgery. I am PMSing already. I hate the commute and knew I would likely have a meltdown based on that alone Real Soon Now, anyway. Hell, my first month on the job, I cried every week because of the friggin’ commute and the Big Brother crap imposed on us at work.

I feel I have no choice. I keep saying that. People must be paid back. I have to get out of debt. I have a credit card and two department store cards to pay off again. I have two loans to pay.

And then I listen to a story on National Public Radio (NPR) about this military couple. The wife got her legs blown off in Iraq. Her husband helps take care of her now but after 19 years in the national guard and not seeing active duty, suddenly they’re calling him up for Iraq. And he’s going. WTF. This country is so screwed up.

And I sit here sobbing because I can’t go to a club because I have to be up at 5:30am to get ready for work tomorrow. What a weak piece of shit.
Hormonal whack aside. I don’t care. I usually listen to other peoples’ tales of woe to strengthen and embolden me to go on. But today, that didn’t work. I’m sore. I’m achey. I’m whiney. I’m sad. I’m depressed. I’m ready to quit.

I know I will carry on. I always do. But right at this moment, everything’s just too much for me to handle. “If I can just get through tomorrow.” I say that every fecking workday of the week. That’s how close I always am to meltdown. That close.

If I can just get through tomorrow, I will have two days off of work to do nothing but lay around for most of the day.

I already miss the week I had just laying on the couch with the laptop, looking out the living room window at the hummingbird that often visits the flowers outside the window. I miss that so much. I got to work on my family genealogy that week, something I’ve not been able to do at a stretch like that for two years.
That’s all I want all of the time - the week I just had off - minus the surgery and recovery part, of course.

I forgot to mention that I never did gain weight as a result of the surgery. I’ve been steady at 154 - 156lbs (68 -70kg) the entire time.

That may all change significantly once I start taking The Pill to slow the regrowth of Endometriosis. Gah, I am NOT looking forward to the goddamned synthetic hormones.

Today I finally received a full time job offer from the company I’m temping at! I’m happy and sad for a few reasons. I’m happy because it means I kick ass, otherwise they wouldn’t have hired me. And today, my co-worker teased me about taking the most phone calls of anyone on the team AGAIN yesterday, on my first day back to work, even. I took 66 calls and he only got 60 calls. He said he’s made it his personal plan to beat my record. Go me!
Now if only I could beat the guy who takes the most calls out of ALL the teams…

So I’ve been feeling a bit confident.

I’m also happy because even though it’s still at-will employment, it feels like a step up from being a temporary employee through an agency. My dignity has been restored, shall we say.

Too, I’m happy because now I qualify for my own health insurance, overtime pay on holidays, as well as paid time off (PTO).

I’m sad because I didn’t get a raise out of it. I was so hoping to be paid over $20/hr again. I guess those days are gone for tech support people.

I’m also sad because it feels like I’m committing to this place, which is still giving me anxiety attacks due to having to radically shift my hours around the job, as well as drive so far to work and back each day. I just have to remind myself of the at-will policy and have the ‘no hard feelings’ attitude so I can resume my search for a job closer to home.

On the post-op front, my belly button remains the hardest area to heal because of the waistband on clothing, no matter how loose. I try to hike up or push down, but since I have a bit of a belly, the waist band ends back up around the navel area. The incisions are still scabbed over, as they have been since day one of post-op. They started to itch about four days ago - wish I would have recorded exactly when. The itching is of course good and means the healing is coming along fine.

My gums still hurt from the intubation incident, and now the pain has spread to my teeth on that side of my mouth (the right side). Now I worry I have a jaw infection. Ugh. I’ll see a dentist if the pain gets much worse.

The cankre sore on the inside of my lip went away by last night, and I would largely like to thank the soy sauce I consumed with sushi on Saturday! It stung like hell but the salt is what I needed. I had been using Benzocaine but failed to use the tried and true standby - a salt wash. Must stop relying on pharmaceuticals!!

As of today, my back has really started to hurt again. It’s locking up from sitting all day at work at a desk again. At least when I’m home, I can get up and move around throughout the day. At work, I’m chained to a headset for several hours at a stretch, and I’m squished up against the cubicle so I can’t really stand up much and work, or my ass hits the cube wall (there’s four desks in the cube and they all face each other, so our seats are all squished up against the walls of the cube).

Last news of the day - I hate to make it last news because it’s so cool, but I forgot to announce it on Sunday: both of my nephews, aged nine and twelve, made it to the state finals in wrestling for their age divisions, and the nine-year-old WON the state title for his division! I’m not a big sports fan but these are my nephews, so naturally I’m all proud. I gotta send them something this week to congratulate them.

Last night I continued running around, doing housework, whimpering when the stomach and abdominal pain got too tight. Just when I thought I could relax, I realised the bed still didn’t have fresh sheets and blankets, nor was the rest of my laundry put away.

Once that was done, I sank down exhausted and happy into the couch, and prepared to surf the web on the laptop my boyfriend’s been loaning me.

Then I remembered the videos my friend lent me, called Berkeley Square, which she appropriately calls “period porn”. I’ve always loved how well the Brits stick to historical accuracy, compared to America’s trashy flashy Hollywood movies.
I figured I should watch some more of the series, and flicked on the TV.

Well, that nice exhausted calm that I had going soon disappeared and was replaced by anxiety for what the characters were getting themselves into. This anxiety then manifested itself into various fears over going to bed on time, waking up on time, and what the first day back to work would be like. I was angry with myself - I know full well that ever since surgery, watching any TV at all has made me VERY emotional. I know that I’m pre-menstrual, having just come through ovulation and knowing full well that george is due by February 18th.

So I popped my last three Lorazepam anti-anxiety meds.

Then my friend E called to tell me she’s recovering well from her surgery, which she just had last Tuesday. She was all hopped up on Darvon, and thanked me again for getting the percoset pills to her last week - it was just enough to get her to the day of surgery, she said, and no other pain medicine worked. YAY I’m so glad she got some pain relief, and the Darvon post-op seems even better! Her condition is way worse than mine - she had a herniated disc, which was causing sciatica as well. This isn’t her first run-in with severe illness, poor thing, and she’s younger than me by years!
Her phone call calmed me down a bit, but I had to let her go so I could get in bed. I’d planned to be up at 5am instead of 5:30am to give me plenty of time to get ready for work. There’s no telling what my body will do these days, I swear.

I tucked myself into bed and tried to fall asleep. Despite having taken 1.5mg of Lorazepam, the panic set back in again, and I had to do breathing exercises. Then I got cold. Really cold. Shivering cold. I put on my hat and continued breathing exercises. I cocooned myself. I was finally drifting off to sleep when my boyfriend came home and shook me awake. His comments were that he thought I was already awake. I know full well that’s a lie. He panics whenever he sees me cocooned - thinks I’ll smother myself to death.
So I yelled at him in a Lorazepam/sleep-induced voice and drifted back to sleep.

I woke up this morning when the alarm went off and decided I wouldn’t need the extra time to get ready, after all, because I’d prepared all my food last night. I slept in for a little bit before getting up to shower, eat and go to work.

The day at work was like any other day - things broke, customers got pissed, managers whined about how high the phone queue was. I did get welcomed back to work by a handful of people, which was cool, and I was happy to see that I was incorrect about the guy whom I thought had quit while I was out of work. So I can still chat with Mr. Fellow Southern Kentucky Guy every now and then.

Here’s the scoop - no one has told me whether I’m hired full time or not, and my immediate boss left in a bit of a huff today.

I will not be the first person to ask. I will just go about working as normal. We’ll see what happens. Pretty quick here, I’m gonna hafta resume my search for work closer to home, too.

Now that I’m out of anti-anxiety medication, it is my duty to try (again) to teach myself to quell my anxiety by doing breathing exercises and other stuff. So naturally I’m back to drinking.

Some things may never change.

Yesterday was my first real day out! My friend sherpa rode the train over, and we picked her up at the station. From there we went to breakfast and then went thrift store shopping to get me some drawstring pants and extra large skirts to get me through this week at work. Three different stores provided me with three skirts and a pair of pants. I probably should have looked for more drawstring pants, elsewhere. Everything was pretty scary, though. We’d have had to go into Oakland to continue thrifting, as I’m pretty sure we’d run out of local thrift shops. I was starting to fade already.

For a bit of a break, we went to Julie’s Tea for scones and tea as planned. I realised that I owed my man for breakfast, so I bought him coffee and scones, and I had some Jasmine tea with scones (did I tell you? I can eat scones! They don’t have enough gluten in them to make my body freak out! YAY!). We lounged in comfy chairs and talked away while enjoying those lovely nibbly things.

Rejuvinated, we were back on our way and splurged at the local used toy store, where I got three more figurines to adorn my computer with. Someday I’ll take a picture of my computer décor…

At this point, I felt bad for all the money I was starting to spend, and I cut myself off. Not only that, but I was starting to fade again. I’d had a big day, and there was still the evening ahead! So we made one last stop at the auto parts store for my car, and took sherpa back to the train station, and headed home for a nap.
I really did need the nap.

I awoke on time to be messaged by another friend who wanted to hang out. We invited our friends to dinner, but they didn’t want to travel that far, so we made arrangements to hang out afterwards.
I was whisked away to our favourite sushi joint, some 40 miles away (our favourite until we find something better, and admittedly, we’ve not scoured all the sushi to be had in Alameda, Oakland, or San Francisco, yet).
I fed until I was about to pop, and for me that’s usually about five nigiri plates worth. Last night, it was four. We’d also had saké to drink with dinner, and plum wine at the end of dinner. On the ride home, I slept!

We got home and within twenty minutes, our friends arrived. I was ready for bed at this point, having had such an energetic day for the first time in about two weeks. I settled into a chair and we chatted, and then broke out our newest favourite game - Redneck Life.
We had a great time! I had some more liquour to drink, and laughed quite a lot with my friends. I got buzzed but not drunk, and realised my stomach was really starting to hurt from all the bending forward to move game pieces and laughing. I started drinking water to move the alcohol through my system. By the end of the game, it was 2am, and my stomach and abdomen hurt pretty badly. It felt like I’d done too many situps. I wanted to take pain medication but I couldn’t because of the alcohol in my system.
Our guests bid us good night, and I whimpered as I put myself to bed.

This morning, I woke up and was still a bit sore, but we had yet another outing planned. We went to breakfast with two more friends, and then returned home. I badly wanted to lay about for the rest of the day, but I needed to do laundry for work, and take care of my car.

Someone else in the house also needs to do laundry, as her cat has been sick and her toilet overflowed this morning, so it will end up taking me most of the day to do laundry. Ah well. I dig my housemates, though. I’m not sure what the proper word for them is. I’d say ‘neighbors’ is probably appropriate, but we all live in the same huge victorian house. Even though each of us has our own private entrance with no common room, we’re still all living under one roof in this huge house. So I tend to use the term ‘housemates’ to refer to people in the other five units.

I also need to get gas and withdraw money to pay back my honey for breakfast this morning, and prepare the week’s allotment of bridge toll. Oi, work starts tomorrow again! I’m nervous. I hope I make it through the week okay, without having to come home early.
Tomorrow I’m also supposed to find out if I’ve been hired full time or not. I will be taking some anti-anxiety meds to get to sleep tonight!

The week after next is a four-day week due to Presidents’ Day. I’d have grimaced at the lack of pay for another day, but george is already due by that day, anyway, so I’ll likely need a day off, anyway.

As soon as I start bleeding, I’m supposed to start taking the birth control pill for “ovarian suppression”. There’s another bit of stress for me - I hope I don’t have complications that would warrant time off work.

Lastly, I want to complain that my throat is STILL sore, but my gums are healing up nicely. I am still spitting up a little phlegm, and therefore still fighting off illness. This is yet another thing that worries me with regards to the possibility of missing more work. I hope it doesn’t erupt into full blown illness. The flu is also going around, and several of my friends and one of my housemates has contracted it - they all say that it’s the worst flu they’ve had in years, and that it takes over a week to even begin feeling like they’re not on their death bed any longer. UGH. Stay away!

I forgot to follow up on a couple of issues.

On Day 3 of post-op, I finally began experiencing the dreaded shoulder pain, which happens as a result of the migration upwards of carbon dioxide gas, which was pumped into me on the day of surgery. The gas enables the surgeon to inflate my trunk and therefore move my organs around easier.
The shoulder pain felt like joint pain. My shoulders were VERY tense during this time - it hurt to even touch my neck and shoulders. I applied a heating pad as instructed, and took Ibuprofen by Day 4. The shoulder pain subsided by end of Day 5.

On Day 7, I experienced mittelschmerz. I experience this nearly every month. Only, this month, I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t thinking about it. I figured since I had surgery, it wouldn’t happen. Stupid me.
Mittelschmerz is German for “middle pain”, and it applies to painful ovulation, or early onset of menstrual cramps.

I looked it up, and according to babyhopes.com, “Most women who experience painful ovulation usually report a nagging pain that begins as a sharp twinge and diminishes into a dull ache for the next day or so. But for some women, the pain can be severe enough to be disabling and can even be confused with appendicitis. Occasionally, in addition to mid cycle pain and cramping, some women may experience nausea, and/or light menstrual spotting. Mittelschmerz lasts for 6 to 8 hours in most women; however, occasionally it can last as long as twenty-four to forty-eight hours.”

The pain I had on Day 7 was so debilitating that I was bedridden for most of the day. I took TWO Tylenol 3 and 600mg of Ibuprofen that day. The pain lasted into Day 8. I applied one Tylenol 3 and one Ibuprofen that day (yesterday).

The Mittelschmerz is BAD, because (according to the site referenced above), “Painful ovulation/mittelschmerz is believed to be caused by a small leakage of blood from the ovary that occurs at the time of ovulation. This blood, which is later reabsorbed, is thought to cause an irritation of the abdominal wall which causes pain.”
This leakage is also what I believe to contribute to Endometriosis. Which means the disease is unstoppable - it does not take breaks, “It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead!” (sorry, I couldn’t help the Terminator quote).

Today, despite having to take Tylenol 3 again for pain, I persevered and was able to work at my desk for most of the day. I only took one nap. The mid to upper back pain is still a big issue, though, while I try to regain muscle strength after being bedridden for a week.

The last issue facing me is that due to the ovulation, I now have PMS hormones coursing at light speed through my veins. I was sitting on the couch working on a genealogy project last night when suddenly I had a mild panic attack. I realised that I could feel my veins pumping in my neck and shoulders, and it was difficult to breathe. I had to stretch out and do breathing exercises to calm myself down. The same thing happened again today while I was napping. I awoke suddenly in a panic, veins pumping. When I got up, I was shivering, even though the house was warm. I paced the house and did some dishes (go me! First time in a week I was able to do all the dishes in one standing!), and the warmth of the dishwater and steam warmed me up and calmed me down.

I’m really afraid of taking synthetic hormones. I am slated to go on The Pill as soon as I start menstruating in a couple of weeks. I’m not sure if I’ll chicken out or not. I’m afraid of all the side effects, and I worry about my mental state. I’m diagnosed Major Depressive and I get suicidal ideation. I’m terrified my boobs will grow and I still have gender issues, especially surrounding having tits. I’m already a 38C and that hurts enough as it is. I may chicken out of taking The Pill.

But the alternatives are not pretty, either. The Endometriosis grows back. Taking The Pill supresses the disease, they say, because of the progesterone in it. Why have surgery if I get all the crap removed and allow it to grow back? Hm. Well, the surgery was for peace of mind to say “SEE? I TOLD YOU!!” to the medical industry. But still. Why allow the stuff to grow back?

I don’t want to be one of those women who have half a dozen or more surgeries in their lifetimes. I don’t ever want a surgery again if I can help it!

I’ve tackled two of my three goals for today.

I drove my car a couple of miles up and around the neighborhood streets.
When I got back into the house, I felt mildly menstrual crampy. The pain subsided within the hour, though. While I was in the car, I realised a few things: the car needs gas and oil, and the windshield wipers need to be replaced now that the rain has hit, and lastly, one of my left signal lights is out - not sure if it’s front or back. So a trip to the auto parts store is in order tomorrow.

On the desk front, I lasted about four hours before having to take a T3 for what is now mid to upper back pain from holding myself upright in a chair for so long. I could have quit earlier but I was stubborn and in the middle of a project. I’ve found yet another line in my Appalachian roots, and I’ve been busily documenting it for days, now.

By Monday, hopefully Ibuprofen will be good enough for the pain.

I still have not eaten any solid foods today (do rice crackers and corn puff cereal really count?) - mainly because I haven’t felt like eating eggs or chicken or hotdogs or chili, and that’s all I really have in the house. I’ll be hungry soon enough though.

Last night I was able lift and shake the blankets back down over the bed before crawling in.

In the middle of the night I realised I could roll over onto either my left or my right side without pain.

However, this morning, I had some pretty bad gas pains which felt like searing hot pain throughout my pelvic region, just as I was getting up out of bed. It didn’t help that my boyfriend made me laugh so hard I cried first thing in the morning before I could even get out of bed. He was on his way to work and was being silly with the cat. I never knew a cat’s tail and bum could be used as a grenade launcher or machine gun!

So, laughing still equals danger.

Oh - I forgot to follow up regarding the sore throat and mouth. My sore throat never fully went away - since sugery - so it’s not from being intubated. I’ve been fighting something.
Also, my gums are STILL healing where they were scraped while being intubated.
On top of that, about three days ago I developed cankre sores on the inside of my bottom lip, further proving that I’m fighting off illness. I’ve been applying Benzocaine daily, and trying to remember to take my vitamins.
Today I woke up with a caked nose and throat. I’ve spit up phlegm several times this morning and it’s dark brownish yellow.

Great.

Now, my boyfriend had re-developed a sinus infection while I was away in Tahoe. He felt much better by the time I got home, and we cleaned the house prior to surgery. However, he’s been smooching me this week and it’s likely that he was still carrying infection and passed it on to me. After all, my immune system has been compromised from going through surgery.

If I get a sinus infection AGAIN from my boyfriend, I’m going to be VERY pissed off. He should have gotten on antibiotics when this happened the first time. *I* did!

There’s two other issues, still.

1. My jaw grinding has not subsided since the surgery. It took me over a year to cure myself of TMJ after the car accident in 1994. I know I can do this again, but it’s an unwelcome side effect I was not anticipating to have to deal with. I haven’t worn my jaw splint since about 1997, so it would have to be refitted. I’ve been a decade overdue for hiring a dentist, anyway, so I’ll bring it up when I finally do go see one in the next month.
2. I’m having nightmares. This is normal from what I’ve been reading of women who’ve had laparoscopic surgery. Last night’s nightmare involved a reworking of my first day of ninth grade. In the dream, I’d already on my first day met the two girls who would be my best friends through all of high school. I also had met the backstabbing white trash girl a grade ahead of me and she was already being crappy to me at lunch. And then there was my friend, G. I met her years after moving to California, but there she was on my first day of ninth grade high school in my dream/nightmare. So at least it was pretty cool and grounding to have G there. I remember that in the lunch line, I had to be careful of what I was going to eat because of my gluten issues - not something I worried about in real life back then. And the lunch of the day was mussels in the shell, but when I looked at the shells, the word ’scarabs’ came to mind, and the lunch ladies were trying to tell me that it was ‘crab’ being served.

   The shells kinda looked something like this:
   
   Only, the shells were oval like scarabs, and the ridges were more pointy I guess you could say. They were definitely slate coloured like the fossil pictured above.
   Crazy.

Today’s goals are to drive my car (just want to move it, it’s been sitting in one place for four days, now), try sitting at my desk for a longer period of time, and try eating solid foods again.

Wish me luck!

This is my first day sitting at my own desk at home, rather than laying in bed or on the couch with the laptop.

It feels so good to be on a faster computer. Wonder how long the excitement will last.

So far, today feels much better than yesterday. I made it to 10:30am without breaking!

11:08am Edit: … or not. My lower back, especially on the left side, just started cramping up while I was sitting at my desk. Now I have minor uterine pain, too. I’m back on the couch. But still, I made it TO my desk for about half an hour today!

1:57pm Edit: I tried sitting at my desk again while I ate lunch. I was able to sit for 45 minutes total before the pain became unbearable. The pain is like I’ve fallen and landed hard on my ass, shaking up everything in the pelvic/abdominal region. Ow.
Now I’m on 600mg Ibuprofen.

Special note to sis:
No, I won’t learn. I’m trying to establish my threshold and endurance for work. Only four more days before I have to return!
Don’t worry - I’ve effectively put off stair climbing and driving til Saturday.

I spent the day on the couch or in bed and not much else. My legs are now jittery because of inactivity for most of the day. I have been in a state of constant napping all day long, as my body is that worn out.
The throbbing ovarian pain stuck with me for most of the day, combined with bouts of anal pain - as though george was here. All that was missing was the blood to go with the ovarian and anal pain. I even had some minor uterine cramps throughout the day.

Today’s setback is the very first since surgery, and was quite demoralising. But I had all damned day to be in my head about this setback - to analyse and pick it apart.

I went online and began seeking out stories of post-op depression. It’s a real thing. I will fight it as hard as I can. I have popped some vitamins already. I also keep seeking out stories of other women with Endometriosis and my latest find is on a site curiously named endo-resolved.com, which at this time I find a little too optimistic, considering the multitudes of womens’ stories within!

The stories I read frustrate me greatly. Some mirror my own experience with family, doctors and society in the “it’s just part of being a woman, deal with it” category. Other stories make me wonder why more women don’t seek out as many resources as possible to educate themselves on all the latest research on Endometriosis and laparoscopy to know what precisely they are getting themselves into.
This is where I’m at - I’ll fall asleep at the keyboard and wake up and resume my research to find out what’s next in the healing process, and what bumps I’ll run into along the way.

I’m not looking forward to another setback.

But thanks to the stories of others, I know there will be another setback. And now I know it may likely be normal as the body heals - but I may just *think* it’s bad at the time.

Before this setback hit, I already knew a few things:

1. The Endo WILL grow back.
2. I can treat the Endo with more surgeries or pain meds or holistic healing methods or birth control pills or a combination of all of the above.
3. It will be at least three menstrual cycles before I start feeling like the surgery helped me.

What I didn’t know is that I could ovulate already. I simply didn’t think about it, otherwise it would have been an obvious fact. But I overlooked it.

If I was overly emotional the week before surgery, I’m twice that now post-op, after having had my girl parts moved around, poked at, burned at and cut at.
That’s a hormone-rich environment in those parts, and the sediment has been disturbed.

I got really angry at my boyfriend today, but I stayed with it and analysed it and didn’t let myself fly off the handle with rage - something I would have done in past relationships in a younger age. I hung up on him and didn’t answer his callbacks. That on the surface seems petty but really I had nothing positive to say so I wanted to leave it unsaid. There’d be more hurt if I spoke an angry mind.

By the time he came home from work (he’d left an hour early for me), I no longer felt the need to lash out. I explained why I needed him by my side today, and he understood.

I feel like I need to start an educational site for people who think they have Endometriosis, wherein I list all the resources I have studied over the years. Will I just be another site floating aimlessly out there? Aren’t there enough websites with even better info than I might have to offer?
How can I reach all those poor girls and women who are still being told to this day that they’re overreacting or that the pain is all part of being a woman?

So there it is - I’m all emotional and on a soapbox and ranting. I turned my day of despair into a crusade for others - at least in my head - for now.

I’m already designing the website, fliers and pamphlets in my head.