Bad day.
This is the second time in six days that I’ve cried and the third time in eleven. I just do not cry this often, normally.
Today’s crying fit started when my clumsy cat, to get my attention, tried to jump into my lap. He of course didn’t quite make the two-foot jump, and had to grab onto my legs to quickly scamper into my lap. In so doing, he clawed the hell out of my legs, puncturing my right leg near my knee. This all happened in a flash. I grabbed him - too late - to try and stop the impending damage. Failing to stop him in time meant he DUG IN because not only was he trying to regain balance, now he was fighting against me grabbing him. I made a loud GRRRRRRRRR! with pain and threw him onto the floor, whereupon he fled the room.
That’s when the sudden tears happened. I hobbled to the bathroom and cleaned out the bleeding gash in my leg. It’s only about 3/4cm long. Dunno how deep. Had to apply a bandage because it wouldn’t stop bleeding.
SO. Let’s recap.
Today I:
- am bleeding like a stuck pig with moderate to severe cramps all day
- threw out my left shoulder merely reaching down to straighten my sock
- have been slashed bloody by my cat
I have been on so much medication today, I’ve slept through half of the day. And the george pain has been steadily poking through the pain since about 4pm today, even with 2 muscle relaxers, 2 Tylenol 3 and an Ibuprofen 600 still all in my system.
I am seriously going to take tomorrow off work if I need it. Screw rationing days anymore. F*** that shit. I only have 2 more Paid Time Off (PTO) days left before they can fire me but you know how I feel about that.
This is what I need:
- I need someone to prepare healthy, high protein meals which are gluten-free, sugar-free, yeast-free, dairy-free and ideally, meat-free. Full time.
- I need someone to clean my house, ESPECIALLY the kitchen/dishes, when I am bedridden.
- I need someone to take me to my doctor appointments once a month or as needed when I’m in too much pain to do so.
- I need someone to help me appraise the value of my belongings, and advise me on what all to sell off so that I have money in the bank to live off of for a time.
- I need massages three times a week for chronic shoulder/neck/back pain.
- I need a regular workout schedule that I am required to adhere to, which is carefully constructed around my shoulder/neck/back problem so I do not further aggravate it. Specifically, I need to have an appointment with someone, or a group, and must be there on time - not just “oh today seems like a good day to work out”.
- I need someone to take my cats because I can no longer care for them responsibly on my own.
My husband-to-be just cannot deliver on any of the above. He has tried in some cases, and has not expressed any desire in others.
For example, my man just told me either last night or this morning that he is boycotting dishes, he just can’t handle it. We do not have a dishwasher, and admittedly, most of the dishes are usually mine, and because of the special diet I have, I have to cook much of my own food. The dishes pile up fast, so we take turns doing them.
But last weekend we both used the kitchen to its fullest to prepare meat and baked goods for a BBQ in the backyard, so there are STILL dishes, pots and pans left over from that. We wash some, then have to cook a meal, so dishes are dirty again immediately. But he reached his limit. I told him I’d do my best to get some dishes done today, and he said ‘okay’, visibly relieved that I said I’d help out.
This in turn made me feel like I’m not doing my job at all in the house. It made me feel angry too, because I’m clearly very ill as of yesterday and now he wants me to do housework because he’s sick of it? WTF.
To me this cries bitterness in the making. How the hell can he sit there and say he’ll take care of me, that he’ll financially support me, and that I can quit my job, if he is already telling me he needs me to help out more, when I’m obviously standing there in front of him on pain medication for george?
So I did most of the dishes today. I just couldn’t finish them all - the pain was too bad in my back and pelvic regions, despite all the medication I was on. I told my man to please not be disappointed and he replied back with “dude! i wasn’t expecting you to do any, with george around!” To which I countered, and reminded him of his lovely little boycott, and of his visible relief when I sadly said I’d try to do some more dishes. He admitted his faux pas and felt sheepish, but still. I’m not holding my breath that this won’t happen again.
The REASON this WILL happen again is the same age-old reason: if I’m not visibly dying with bloody oozy death and dangling mangled limbs, it’s impossible to be believed that I’m actually in a lot of pain and suffering. Even by my significant other. And when you can’t see it to believe it, it’s easy to start feeling like the person before you is perhaps not pulling their own weight.
Then add my latest “has lasted longer than two weeks” depression to the pain issue, and it’s obvious to me that I need home care right now. But again, it’s not obvious to others.
Hence my bullet point list of needs above.
My man is off doing stuff with friends tonight, so I may not see him before I turn in for the night. But he will need to hear what I’ve written here. We need to have a serious discussion as to my mental and physical state, and the needs that I have. I feel myself slipping further and further towards institutionalised care. I may just have to let myself slip and fall publically for others to believe what is really going on inside of me. I don’t want to do that. I’ve fought for so many years. But cap’n, I dunno how much longa I can hold ‘er t’getha.