i’m ok now. it has passed.
if you have ever had a miscarriage or RU486, that’s what it was like. no medication to get to the pain in time.
i sank to the ground twice; once in the bathroom, once in the bedroom, and nearly vomited from pain.
finally, laying flat on my stomach started to help the piercing left ovarian pain and the broomstick up the ass pain.
i was able to eat a 2nd darvocet before collapsing, i think that is what also helped.
it took a goddamned hour for the meds to kick in, just like on sunday. the darvocet is fired.
i prayed to die. i said it was ok for the pain to be over.
now i am very weak. crawled to the couch where heating pad, water, laptop is. i hate being alone when this happens. i fear i’ll hemhorrage to death. i had my cell phone in my hand the whole time, ready to dial 911.
that’s why i had to tell myself that it was ok to die, ok for the pain to be over. it helped me to relax and stop hyperventilating and sobbing from fear and pain.
sometimes i want to be terminal. would it be easier to know that i’d have a definitive end point Real Soon Now? i wonder. i wish i had a definitive end point to the pain. but since i’m incurable, the pain probably has to take me with it. so i want definitive. i want it all to stop.