I Will Not Suffer In Silence

SnotFest invaded our home on November 24 and slew my man for two weeks. Three days later, SnotFest hit me for a total of five days, with three really bad days.

Our household appeared to be Snot Free from December 8 - 14.

On Friday December 14 or Saturday December 15, I woke up unable to breathe again, and yacked from trying to get all the SnotGlue out. Then I was fine for the rest of the day.

Sunday, woke up with sore throat, scratchy throat, and developed a cough over the course of the day. Had trouble sleeping last night due to sore throat and SnotGlue lodging in nose and throat.

Today, I sound like Old Lady 30-Year-Pack-a-Day Smoker and I even have the trademark same sounding cough/hack that my Ma gets every morning til she’s had her first three ciggies.

This shit had better go away quick, because I am NOT going to go into another round of Endometriosis bedridden this month AND have SnotFest again. I’ve already done that combo this month, thx.
Yeah, yer readin that correctly. I get girl do0m TWICE this month. Happy Holidays!

After my daylong drama fest through my journal was relayed yesterday, my surgeon called me back finally. She said, “I got a message here about your fibroids??? You don’t have fibroids.”
I clucked my tongue and told her, “YES, I KNOW. Your staff is hellbent on misrepresenting and berating me.”

I then told her about my day last Tuesday, how I’d sunk to the floor twice in screaming pain and was panicked that I’d hemhorrage to death, not knowing what was going on inside. Her reaction?

“How long were you unconscious for?”

…

I WAS NEVER UNCONSCIOUS was my reply.

I tried again with this woman…. Let’s rehash that damned story ONE MORE TIME here, shall we?

I told her how the pain set in and I’d taken a darvocet, and the pain ramped up so fast that I was crying. Within a half an hour, I took ANOTHER darvocet when the first one did not kick in. I told her Tylenol 3 always kicks in faster. At this point the pain was so bad that I felt like my uterus and all organs in that vicinity were in the process of trying to detach and fall out of me. I told her how heavy the bleeding was. I told her that due to all of this nightmarish pain, I sank to the ground in the bathroom and couldn’t get back up.
Sobbing, I used my left leg to balance and that proved WRONG MOVE, because most of the pain was on the left ovary through the uterus, through the cervix, back to the anus, and forward into the vagina.
I staggered to the bedroom and collapsed again and stayed there to ride the pain out with a heating pad that I’d been clutching the entire time I was sobbing from the pain. I tried not to puke from the pain.

I told her that BECAUSE the pain was SO bad, and it’s not been THIS bad for years, WTF is going on. I asked for an ultrasound to see if I have fibroids.

She said, “You don’t have fibroids. I’m looking at your surgery report (from ten months ago) and there were no fibroids there, nor at your post-op checkup in August. You have really bad Endometriosis. The disease was all over the back of your uterus and on your bladder. Unfortunately, that’s what it is - maybe it’s getting worse again. This is JUST your disease doing its thing. I really wish I could help. I feel so badly for you.”

I asked if since surgery or since August fibroids could have manifested - she said unlikely.

So after we hung up, I did some research and found that fibroids LOVE the birth control pill and thrive and grow like weeds under its influence. I was only on The Pill (Yasmin) post-op for a couple of months, though. Could that have started something, I wonder?

I don’t know, that’s where my surgeon/GYN is supposed to come in, but apparently she’s done with me after surgery based upon her continual brushing off of all my comments, questions and fears since surgery.

*sigh*

For the past 48 hours, I have felt like I do just before george arrives. I have the mild uterine cramping and bloated feeling. Only, he just left on Wednesday, December 5th, after nearly killing me the day before. My period this month was all of THREE AND A QUARTER DAYS long, when usually it’s five.

Today I had a job interview. When I got home, I took out the recyclables and put the empty cans back in their places in the kitchen. I went towards the kitchen sink to wash my hands, pain suddenly seized my entire uterine area down and over through my anus. I grabbed the countertop with my right hand and turned and bent forward, gritting my teeth for roughly 12 seconds til the pain passed.

And my surgeon/GYN tells me this is JUST part of having Endometriosis. My goddamned menstrual cycle is over this month and you’re telling me this is NORMAL for Endo, when the Endo IN ME never acted this way before?

Thankfully the place that I interviewed at wants me to have a current physical exam (because the job is to be a teacher of children). I’m due for a physical through my local physician. I am using this opportunity to get said physical AND a referral to a new GYN - I went straight to the doctor’s office right from the job interview to schedule the appointment.
Then I can get the fecking ultrasound I’m asking for, thankyouverymuch.

The medical establishment in the U.S. is a load of crap.

At least I’m not depressed as all hell today. I’m angry but eh, I guess that’s a better start. To quote Johnny Rotten, “Anger is an energy”, and I’m motivated. Off I go to continue my day.

I’m a bit overwhelmed lately.

When I try to go back through my journal and my mind to piece things together to make a coherent journal entry, I end up feeling sick and wanting to cry, because it feels like there’s too much wreckage scattered over too wide a range to sift through.
This in turn brings on a feeling of panic.

So then I start thinking, I don’t NEED to go back through any of my journal or my mind to piece stuff together, do I?

I could live in abject ignorance and therefore bliss, couldn’t I?

The reality is actually no, I can’t.

See, the next time the pain comes around, I’ll start wondering what I did to deserve it this time. I’ll start eliminating this or that food or beverage and things won’t improve like they never do, and I’ll be there feeling sorry for myself.

The reality is that I do know a lot about my condition, and I do have an obligation to share that information with others who also suffer from the same disease I do.

Okay, okay, this brings on another side conversation:

Whether those people choose to use the information I share with them is up to them.

So why is it my obligation when people might not listen to me?

Well… some does not equal all.

Right.

So I have this obligation to share the information that I find about my condition - namely, Endometriosis.
I’ve been creating a webpage on this site for nearly ten months now, which will be a resource for people suffering from Endometriosis, and I’m frustrated because I’m bogged down in the design and functionality of the site, when really I just want the information out there. This is the same thing that bogs me down in my astrology business - the design of the site vs. providing the service.

I’m not a webmaster. I just need to get my stuff out there.

I have the same problem with writing books. I don’t know how to publish the goddamned things, I only write them.

Clearly I need minions assistants.
I feel like this is what is holding my life back.

Ok, now to the point of this post; The C word, and the proverbial digging up of pieces of wreckage over the large geographical range. Let’s do this.

The C word started for me as a personal attack back in June 1st of this year. I was at a friend’s birthday party and someone I’d met at the previous year’s birthday party - someone I found out last year who also has Endometriosis - began telling me that the latest news on Endometriosis is that it’s a CANCER.
She told me that to get people to finally give her the respect she deserves with this disease, she’s been telling them all that she HAS cancer, and people suddenly are now sympathetic and understanding, whereas before that, she was treated like a hypochondriac.
I remember panic piercing my heart, and at the same time thinking she was full of shit with her cancer story. I told the woman that I’d have to research this myself, and that I wasn’t ready to hear that a disease that I have is actually cancer.

So I did some reading up. Turns out, the Experts had in fact been debating for some time as to whether or not Endometriosis is a cancer, and many have been calling it cancer-like because of its cellular behaviour.
It was then that I found out that women who have Endometriosis have a higher incidence of breast, endocrine and brain cancer according to the studies done over time.¹, ², ³

Further research today shows that survivability of the above cancers is dependent upon the stage at which it is found.
Here’s a nifty chart noting Breast Cancer survivability.

Endocrine cancer is quite a bit more difficult to research at the moment, since so many organs are involved. This is where fear really comes into play for me - I had Pancreatitis when I was 21 years old. Once the pancreas is inflamed, you always have a higher probability of a) getting pancreatitis again and/or b) getting pancreatic cancer.
So I guess for my own health history, let’s go with pancreatic cancer. Once again, fear is here. There’s only a 15 - 20% survivability rate if I’m reading the information correctly. It looks even more dismal on this site.

A preliminary search on brain cancer survivability doesn’t appear to turn up much info to go on, but this article from 1999 doesn’t help when it says doctors had recently doubled the survivability of patients with glioblastomas (a primary tumour) to 98 weeks. Uh, that’s a brain cancer survivability rate of a year and a half. Great.

Anyway, I had said when I found out that Endometriosis is cancer-like that I just have to keep my spirits high, but in truth this has been very hard for me to bear emotionally. I thought that I would have some pain relief from the surgery that I had back in February of this year. My surgeon said she was convinced I’d be pain free for a time. Even if the pain went away for months, I thought it would be a great thing. I believed my surgeon would help me. I simply opted to live in denial of the facts, because at that time, I had NOT been reading the stories of other women who go through what I go through. I just didn’t want to be bothered with other peoples’ pity parties. MY doctor said I’d be okay.

It wasn’t until my first week after surgery, when I’d had complications, that I sought out stories of other women who have Endometriosis. I was beginning to distrust my surgeon. I wanted to know from the horses’ mouths. So I sought out the stories of women who’d had surgery and what happened to them post-op.

That’s when I really started grasping the fact that my disease won’t ever go away.

Two weeks after surgery, I had my first period, and thought I would die, the pain was so bad. This was because on top of having the menses activate the Endometriosis I did not know was still inside me at the time, I was also still healing and my body creating scar tissue from the surgery just two weeks prior. So it was all very bad. I had started taking Yasmin on that first period after surgery. Yasmin is a birth control pill, so it has synthetic estrogen and progesterone in it. The medical establishment says it’s one of the lowest dose pills out there.

What they failed to tell me and countless other women is that the disease we have THRIVES on ANY type of estrogen.

Yet I felt like I *knew* that already. But yet I took the poison hormone pill because my doctor insisted that it would make me all better.

Within two months of starting the Yasmin, I was sobbing in the doctor’s office of critical suicidal ideation, with my man trying to convince the doctor not to lock me up in a mental institution, just get me off the goddamned hormones safely.

I’d only gotten to have ONE month free of the pain that leaves me bedridden, but at the expense of constant mild breakthrough bleeding, and more to the point, at the expense of my SANITY and well-being, while on the Yasmin.
As soon as I went off the Yasmin, all the heavy bleeding and massive pain returned.

Months later, on September 15, 2007, I’d discovered in an Endometriosis book what Deep Endometriosis is as compared to … I dunno… “regular” Endometriosis. I wrote to my surgeon to inquire why I was still in pain. I think I forgot to update my journal with her phone reply, and sadly I cannot do a transcript of the phone message because I accidentally deleted it. Anyway, she’d told me that the Endometriosis was not 1cm DEEP, it was 1cm LONG on the uterus, and she removed all that she could find. However, she said, there is still Endometriosis on the bladder itself, and that she could NOT remove it, lest she chance puncturing my bladder and therefore damaging me for life, as I’d have to wear a catheter for the rest of my life.

This was the first time in SEVEN MONTHS that I’d heard that I still had Endometriosis in my body. She’d told me at the time of surgery and at the followup that she’d in fact gotten it all out. Why the hell would she lie to me?

In shock, at the time I received her voicemail, I had called my surgeon back and thanked her for not puncturing my bladder. It was then that she urged me to try a new drug. She wanted to put me on Lupron. She wanted to remove ALL estrogen from my body, and finally admitted to me that it is the thing what feeds my disease. She said I’d have to live with perpetual menopause though - and didn’t see a problem with that, because it’d be BETTER than what I go through, now. I told her that I don’t see how hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, decreased libido and dry cooze, as well as cancer risk is BETTER than what I go through now, cuz the above side effects to Lupron are DAILY, whereas my disease only takes me out MONTHLY.

Going back in time a bit now - from June to August of this year, a friend was sharing more stories and a website about her sister-in-law, who had terminal cancer. I’d been reading the website on and off for over a year, thanks to my friend, and I was trying to develop courage like this woman had. This woman - Lori - had Stage IV adenocarcinoma (cancer of an unknown primary); i.e. the doctors don’t know what caused her disease.
Sounds familiar? Doctors don’t know what caused my disease, either.

First was Lori’s story, then there was the acquaintance who told me that Endometriosis is a cancer. Then my own research confirmed that Endo is in fact so cancer-like, that when the medical Experts were trying to guage this disease, they chose to use the cancer staging system for Endometriosis.4

Then last night I read that an acquaintance’s mother has Stage IV terminal cancer, after having been in remission for many years.
After reading that story, I felt ready to crack. I’d had enough with the C word already. I’m tired of this piece of shit disease and I’m tired of the Experts saying my disease is associated with it. I’m tired of being guilty by association so to speak. I’m tired of having to constantly research whether or not the Experts have determined that Endometriosis IS a cancer or only cancer-LIKE, but in the meantime, nope, sorry, still no idea how it’s caused or how it’s cured.

I just want them to find a damned cure already for cancers and cancer-likes.

Then this morning, another acquaintance posted a website about lymphoma (which has been removed as of 2008) - it was the first I knew that he’d ever battled it. I listened to his and another woman’s story on that site, and listened to the music and looked at the art - which was all created while going through their cancers.

That’s when I finally cracked.

I am afraid. I’m afraid for what my future holds. I’m afraid to go through upwards of another twenty years or more with this disease without a cure (after reading countless women’s stories, Endometriosis isn’t even guaranteed to go away with menopause). I’m afraid that doing all these holistic treatments in search of relief will prove to have either a) been in vain or b) not stalled or stopped getting one of the cancers described above (see numbered citations above).
I’m afraid that all these people entering my life with their cancer stories is meant for a reason - a message - to try to let me know that the Endometriosis will either turn out to be cancerous or will have already allowed my body to develop one of the cancers listed above, and that it’s important to learn their strength as early on as possible.

But right now, all it’s doing is causing fear.

I don’t like living in fear. This has GOT to stop. I have got to get ahold of myself. I have spent EIGHT HOURS journaling all of this today, with several crying spells during the course of my writing.

I know too that I just came off my period, and I’m still detoxing from all the pain medication. That tends to make me very emotionally volatile.

*sigh*

At least now I can start my day. There was no starting until I expunged my head here.
I feel a bit better, now.

Did you know that Dynasty brand Chinese-style extra hot mustard has wheat in it?

Neither did I.

Well, THAT wasn’t fun.

Yes, even a teaspoon full of mustard on a hotdog, ladies and gentlemen… and it sends my GI tract into HOLY CHRIST WTF mode.

Good times.

I have learned my lesson - always - ESPECIALLY - look at the ingredients on condiments.

I’ve been gluten-free for a year and nine months. You think I’d have learned the ropes by now. Ah well.

Yesterday I said, “I still plan my life, even though the Endometriosis has a good chance of rendering me bedridden. I didn’t put my life on hold for it when my friend was getting married. I didn’t put my life on hold for it when job hunting and scheduling an interview.”

Well, last night I couldn’t fall asleep. It was after midnight and I needed to be in bed because I had a job interview today. I tossed and turned all night. I got up when my alarm went off, and started my day.

A friend who’d read my journal told me to really talk to my doctor about fibroids, she wants me to get an ultrasound to make sure I don’t have that. So I considered that very good advice, and I called my GYN to make an appointment.
She’s not in today - what can they do for me, I’m asked. So I told my story about how I collapsed on Tuesday cuz the pain was so bad. The office basically panicked and they said I should have called 911 if I was alone, it’s REALLY important, there’s PROBABLY something ELSE going on. I was put on hold and when the lady came back to the phone she repeated herself and sounded very scolding at me, and said my surgeon will be disappointed that I jeopardised my life that way. She said I should have called for an ambulance.
Well, my rationale at the time was that the hospital is only 3 blocks away and it would cost me $50 or more which I don’t have right now and don’t want to burden my man with cuz he’s already paying rent and groceries. I can’t rationalise this now of course. I wasn’t thinking correctly at the time because of the pain. I just wanted to die, that’s all I knew. I wanted it over with. So I told the GYN office that at the time, I’d already ingested the two Darvocet - the only thing ER would have been able to do for me is inject something to act quicker on the pain. They reiterated that there could be something ELSE, something WORSE going on with me than just Stage III Endometriosis.

So after I got off the phone with the GYN office, the anxiety swelled to panic proportions. And shortly after that, the nurse assistant called me back and berated me some more!!!! She told me to go to urgent care NOW, as though I was still in massive pain. I tried explaining I’ve not been in pain since Tuesday. She said something else might be wrong and I should have gone, blah blah.

Nice how they handled that. Now I was a panicked mess, and I had a job interview in a few hours, and I was sitting there crying.

WHY?

What is WRONG - it’s just the doctor’s office and they don’t understand. And today is just a job interview. I go on them all the time.

And then I pinpointed it. I’d become AFRAID to leave the house in case the pain came back again today. And part of it was fear instilled from the doctor’s office berating me.

NICE of them.

(Note to my friend: don’t feel bad about referring me and then this happening. It’s nothing to do with you - you’ve been very kind to try to help me find out what else could be wrong).

After I calmed down a bit, I followed my man’s advice and called the job. They were very nice about rescheduling me for next week. So now I had the day free to just Wait For It - and see if the pain would return.

I’ve found it very hard to concentrate all day. I’ve not gotten any work done because I’ve been an anxiety case all day. I’ve been drinking chamomile tea and I took a niacin pill, and I started cleaning up the house a bit.
It’s already 3:30pm and I am not sure if there’s a business meeting tonight. It’s on my calendar but meetup.com says the appt was deleted. So I emailed the people running the show. And I Wait.

Today is all about waiting and anxiety.

…I just looked up my forecast for today in my own astrology software. Today is Mercury Square Mercury, which creates a lot of frenzy and nervous energy. There I have it.
My ruling planet is Mercury so there’s no getting out of it. Ride it, lady. Rescheduling the appointment was a good move on my part. Don’t want to appear scattered and nervous and about to crack on an interview.

…Ah good. I’ll be Venus sextile Moon for my rescheduled interview date. That’s much better. Relations with women (Venus) will require little resistance and effort (sextile) on my part because the day will flow smoothly and emotions will be balanced (Moon) [note: The interview is with a woman].

*big sigh of relief*

It’s all going to be okay.

Today, my job is to take the day as it comes, and not stress myself out, and just let myself finish bleeding and take whatever comes along with it, and not to fear, because if unbearable pain happens again, just call 911. It’s simple. No need to panic.

slow, deep breath in….

and out__________________.

Repeat til calm.

Today I got up with my man and he went off to work and I went to the acupuncturist.
I told Dr. Yan no more electrical current - it just makes the pain worse. I told him how I collapsed from the pain of my condition twice yesterday and that I’m not sure if it’s from acupuncture the previous day, if it’s from the Chinese herbs I’ve been taking, or if I’m just having a really bad cycle.

WARNING: MAY BE TRIGGERING OR TOO GRAPHIC:

It’s just been a very long time since I felt such pain that I contemplated whether I should call 911 or just see if I could die and be at peace from the pain. I’d ingested two Darvocet yesterday the moment I felt a tinge of pain - and for what? To no effect whatsoever. I went through the entire episode sobbing at how the pain meds didn’t kick in to help see me through. No one was here except for me. I had images of being found hemorrhaged and what that would do to my man, and yet I wanted just to be at peace from the pain. This of course fed the sobbing - the fear - the panic.
When it was all over, I continued to lay on the bedroom floor and just allow myself to cry it all out. When the crying was done, I slowly, carefully turned over, got to my knees, and cried again because now I could stand and the episode was over.

Like… what the hell was all that for? An hour of feeling like my cervix and uterus was being slowly pulled out of me by a rusty claw chain, and now I’m fine, save for bleeding like a stuck pig?

WHY?

WHY do I get to go through this?

I know I was supposed to stop feeling sorry for myself and my condition. I was starting to do pretty well at that, at least I thought. But right now I’m not having the best attitude. Despite the fact that today was pain free, I’m still focused on yesterday, at how unfair it all was. And I dread tomorrow. Before anyone can start the “don’t be so negative” lecture with me, let me have a rant. I need to rant because people in the past week have really pissed me off again with their insensitivity. This is gonna get ugly.

1. My menstrual cycle is NOT normal, and people have GOT to get over that thinking. I just need to stop calling it my period or “girl do0m” or menses, so I can differentiate what I go through from what other women who don’t have Endometriosis go through. Case in point: Last week I was set to deliver food to a friend’s wedding the day before the wedding. She started asking me days before food delivery date if I thought I might be well or not!!! I told NO, I have no way of knowing when I’ll be in pain. My cycle is every 27 days, and the pain can be 1-3 days on either side of the due date. I was shocked to find that she hadn’t even thought to have a backup person ready in case I couldn’t make it, so I *told* her to do this. I then felt BAD, like it was MY fault for committing, even though she could very well find someone else. I was able to make it by the way and was pain free. I even made it to her wedding, which shocked me, cuz that’s the day I was due. But even at her wedding, she began to ask me when I could come pick up stuff from her house - HELLO you have two weeks before you leave the country and I told you, I’m slated to be bedridden, I can’t likely get there THIS WEEK.
   It didn’t sink in. Three days after her wedding - yesterday - she was asking me again when I’d be over. I told her I was now in my cycle and although feeling ok at the moment, did not want to chance getting on the road in case I got critical.
   And just over an hour later if I recall correctly, what happened? I collapse from the pain - pain that’s not been this bad in many, many months. I think the last time it was this bad was my first period after the surgery which diagnosed me with this disease.

   Which brings me to

2. I have a Stage III incurable illness. It’s called Endometriosis. It behaves like a cancer but is benign. But because it behaves like a cancer, doctors are baffled as to how to cure it. As far as doctors know at this time, I will live the rest of my days with this disease, which keeps growing back every time it is cut out. Women including myself have tried hormonal therapy to no avail. We’ve tried surgery to no avail (I read of some women who’ve had TEN surgeries to no avail). Many women act on advice of their surgeons and get partial or total hysterectomies TO NO AVAIL. You want stories? I’ve got stories.
   Here’s a story.
   Here’s a story.
   Here’s another story.
   Here’s a story.
   And here’s another story.
   And here’s yet another story.

   So, with regards to point number two, it completely pissed me off when, talking recently to a woman after a Business of Metaphysics class I attended, the woman kept getting upset with me every time I mentioned things I’ve tried to no avail, and how my disease is stage III incurable. She practices Qigong and wants me to try it. I do want to try Qigong after hearing her stories that night, but woman, PLEASE, at least respect me at face value from the point at which I stand before you still a stranger, and don’t outright diss MY current reality. That’s no way to be unconditional, supportive or therapeutic to someone. Maybe that’s why she’s in that class, too. She has some things to learn, yet.

Now back to why I fear tomorrow. Here’s how my cycle behaves:
Day 1: bleeding starts, usually I end up bedridden the same day, drugged on some kind of narcotic along with motrin and a heating pad.
Day 2: bedridden all day, drugged on some kind of narcotic along with motrin and a heating pad.
Day 3: sometimes I get a one-day reprieve on Day 3. sometimes i’m still bedridden all day, drugged on some kind of narcotic along with motrin and a heating pad.
Day 4: usually by this day, I get the reprieve - bleeding dries up, I get my energy back, I start feeling back to normal again and can go out and meet with friends or go back to work.
Day 5: what my man calls “The Last Gasp” - the pain returns and leaves me bedridden for part or all of the day once again, drugged on some kind of narcotic along with motrin and a heating pad.
Day 6: bleeding tapers, I am groggy and weak from the past five days, but I go back to work. I spend the next few days detoxing - withdrawling from the narcotics.

So….today was Day 4 and I was pain free: The Reprieve. This is why I fear tomorrow. Every month this happens - I start feeling guilty for fearing. I think, “Maybe this time it will be different.” And every month, it’s not different. I always get that hope though. Every damned month.
And people who don’t understand or care about my condition don’t help me with my false hope and guilt.

Tomorrow is upon us - I’ll let you know if I get The Last Gasp.

*sigh*

But right now, I’m awake. My leg is bouncing. I have energy. I should get shit done. I should stay up all night doing it in case The Last Gasp happens.

But I need to sleep. Tomorrow I have a job interview.

I still plan my life, even though the Endometriosis has a good chance of rendering me bedridden. I didn’t put my life on hold for it when my friend was getting married. I didn’t put my life on hold for it when job hunting and scheduling an interview. I want people to remember this, and NOT get down on me if in fact I have to actually cancel or reschedule. I’m doing the best I can. You don’t like how it fits into your schedule or your reality? Then go find another friend, another aquaintance, another coworker, another client.

i’m ok now. it has passed.

if you have ever had a miscarriage or RU486, that’s what it was like. no medication to get to the pain in time.
i sank to the ground twice; once in the bathroom, once in the bedroom, and nearly vomited from pain.
finally, laying flat on my stomach started to help the piercing left ovarian pain and the broomstick up the ass pain.

i was able to eat a 2nd darvocet before collapsing, i think that is what also helped.
it took a goddamned hour for the meds to kick in, just like on sunday. the darvocet is fired.
i prayed to die. i said it was ok for the pain to be over.

now i am very weak. crawled to the couch where heating pad, water, laptop is. i hate being alone when this happens. i fear i’ll hemhorrage to death. i had my cell phone in my hand the whole time, ready to dial 911.
that’s why i had to tell myself that it was ok to die, ok for the pain to be over. it helped me to relax and stop hyperventilating and sobbing from fear and pain.

sometimes i want to be terminal. would it be easier to know that i’d have a definitive end point Real Soon Now? i wonder. i wish i had a definitive end point to the pain. but since i’m incurable, the pain probably has to take me with it. so i want definitive. i want it all to stop.

Well, there was no pain today until now. I made it from about midnight last night to just after 12pm Pacific Time today without pain.

I’ve popped a Darvocet, cuz now I’m officially out of Tylenol 3, and all I can do is wait for it to kick in. Hopefully it won’t take an hour to kick in again like it did on Sunday.

I was just getting ramped up on my work today, too.

All I can do is move location, get to bed with the laptop, and continue on from there until the pain is too much or I pass out from the medication. Just keep plugging along, fighting as I do.

What’s weird is all the energy I had yesterday after acupuncture made it really hard to get to sleep. And I still have the energy. In fact, my leg is still bouncing despite the pain, and I’ve been drinking chamomile tea to calm down. All morning I feel like I’m on speed or something, and I’ve not had any medication since about 9:30pm last night (well, until now when I just popped the darvocet).

I wish I understood things better. I wish I had x-ray vision into my own body at all times to carefully monitor my bod and outside effects upon it.

..I’m on the couch now with heating pad and laptop. The pain has me shaking and clenching my teeth. This period seems much more sharp pain-like than the last two. I can’t explain the difference - there’s my ‘usual’ pain but this is downright murderous and happens only once in awhile. GAH. Getting nauseated now, hope I don’t puke the medication. :(

Just wanted to check in with my goals I had set back on November 13th:

• No more sugar - still holding steady with occasional mild slipups
• No more alcohol - initially failed; got REALLY drunk on wine the weekend after turkey day. Been really good since then though - only had a little bit of sake last night.
• Keep taking the Chinese herbs (as discussed back on November 5th) - holding steady
• Read more about the pH Balancing that someone on the DailyStrength Endo forum told me about - checked out books, reading them
• Check the West End library for the Budwig Diet books that my friend’s brother told me about, and purchase books from Amazon if the libraries in town don’t have them - neither library had the books but I still haven’t ordered them from Amazon.
• Keep doing acupuncture - did that today
• Borrow pilates for beginners yoga videos from the library or from friends - haven’t done that yet
• Keep assembling my personal recipe book based upon all my dietary restrictions (gluten-free, yeast-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, protein-rich) - haven’t been working on that

Okay, so what I still need to work on…

I need to order the Budwig Diet books that my friend’s brother told me about.

I need to borrow pilates for beginners yoga videos from the library or from friends.

I need to keep assembling my personal recipe book based upon all my dietary restrictions (gluten-free, yeast-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, protein-rich).

And now, results!
I have continued to take the Chinese herbal pills since my last cycle, and what I noticed this time around is that the blood at the beginning of my cycle was not brown. Yes, normally for me, I get the old dirty brown blood at the start AND at the end of the cycle. I didn’t have that this time. And the blood looks MUCH brighter, too.
There’s still a lot of blood, and the pain this time around feels deeper and worse than it has in the past few months. I am not seeing very many clots - those I do see are very small. So I want to say that the herbs are slowly doing their thing - “Decongest the blood mansion” ;)

The other thing I just tried is acupuncture. I’ve used this several times before for the back pain, but this is the first time I’ve done this for george. Wouldn’t you know it though, my shoulders and neck felt left out so they had to get all kinked in my sleep last night. >:(
So I saw Dr. Yan today mainly for george and secondly for the neck/shoulders.
I laid flat on my back on the table because it was too painful to lay on my side.
The acupuncturist used cupping - 3 cups across my abdomen, and he used the needles; two in each calf and one in each inner ankle. He used the electricity on two of the needles in my legs.
The pain went COMPLETELY away while I was in the doctor’s office. It was a slice of heaven!
As soon as the treatment was over though, the pain everywhere started to come back. When I got home, pain was just as bad again as it had been, so I was about to take more Tylenol 3 but before I could reach for it, the pain went away again, AND I had all kinds of energy! It was seriously manic energy. I used the time I had to carefully do two loads of laundry, scoop the catbox and take out the trash, and do dishes. I tried to be as slow and methodical as I could, but my heart and brain were racing. I’m blaming that energy on the acupuncture cuz I NEVER have this during my period.
But alas, I think I did too much. ;) And the pain set in again enough that I needed more Tylenol 3.

The Tylenol 3 has not been able to knock me out, although it did help to relieve pain.
I’ve been quite productive insofar as researching more endo stuff in general for myself, and reading the pH Balance books I got from the library.

But now it’s after midnight, so I should get some sleep.

I ended up taking a second Darvocet an hour after the first.

It took another hour before I found any relief at all, and then I fell asleep on the couch for a little while because the drugs knocked me out.

I have the same itchy feeling with the Darvocet that I get with Tylenol 3. I get the same sort of low grade nausea and suppressed breathing, too, when I take 2 Darvocet pills, as I do when I take 2 Tylenol 3 pills.

A local friend rang me today - she’s having a rough go with her period lately too. Her back has been going out when she gets her period, just like mine was doing when I was working for that asshole company that fired me for being sick. So I’m guessing she’s under a lot of stress.

Wow, I’m exhausted again. must nap again.

…and… about 20 minutes later I was up again because my back hurts. I went surfing around on the Internet, looking for old wives tales regarding Endometriosis, when I found a blog called “Field Notes From An Evolutionary Psychologist” - she has Endo, too. Only, she is a scientist so she researches stuff. I try to always present info I find on Endo in a professional way but I’m way too subjective. :) I really love the way she’s presented info, like in this article.

Note: I’ve added her blog to my ‘Endo Bloggers’ blogroll on the main Living With Endometriosis website. :)

I should also add that SnotFest ‘07 seems to be rapidly fading as of yesterday, at least for me. My man still has a horrible cough. He’s been sick and snotty and coughing for over a week, now, whereas I was only sick for about three and a half days.
I was eating 1000mg vitamin C per day, continuing my Chinese herbs, and seemingly drinking my weight in green tea. I bet all that helped lots. Oh and eating fruit, too.