I Will Not Suffer In Silence

I’ve been REALLY bad to myself this month, indulging for over two weeks straight on all kinds of junk food, chocolate, sugar, booze and caffeine.
I was still on again off again sick in the beginning of January, but I felt better as of January 5th. I had gone to the doctor on the 4th about this protracted flu or whatever it was, but the doctor refused to give me antiviral medication. But she did send me out for blood work for thyroid, liver and blood sugar. The nausea and diarrhea subsided by that evening. Then on that Monday, I went to the allergist for more referral advice as to what’s all going on with my immune system.

Starting the very next day, Tuesday January 8, I went downhill with my willpower and dietary management. I began eating chocolate and caffeine. I was craving it badly. The next day was my man’s birthday, and I indulged with him on sushi and tiki drinks. One eats soy sauce with sushi. Soy sauce has natural estrogens in it. Endometriosis feeds off of estrogen. I also got a little drunk that night. Drinking messes with the immune system and endocrine system. The endocrine system is what regulates the hormones. The next day, I was declined for the child care job, and I bought and consumed a caffinated mocha on the way home. The day after that, Friday January 11, I was bored at home with my man and we got drunk drunk. The next day, I went out to a nightclub and got drunk again.
During this whole time, despite what seems like an active and energetic streak, I was struggling to stay awake the entire time. I pushed my body hard, and wondered why I was so tired I could cry day in and day out, and why I was so dehydrated (urine was dark yellow to near brown in colour) despite drinking water, juice and tea all day. I didn’t want my fatigue to interfere with plans I’d made with friends. So I pushed myself.

Starting the week of January 13, I was good and didn’t drink. However, I was still going after caffeine - mostly in the form of tea, and also eating chocolates. I had a breakthrough on Monday the 14th - it was my first day back to my old self, energy-wise. I didn’t need the caffination to keep me going, but now I WANTED it. I kept wondering why the hell I was consuming all this chocolate and caffeine with no self control - after all, george isn’t due til January 22nd…but I was glad to have my energy back.

Then on January 15, the doctor’s assistant called and told me I have high liver enzymes, and told me to lay off alcohol and painkillers for the next three months, and then get retested. It took three days to get ahold of the doctor directly to discuss what all is going on with me. Finally got to talk to the doctor on Friday - after discussing how much I drink and when, and how much pain medication I take and when, she said that I should be fine to continue taking painkillers only when george is around (that’s what I do anyway, unless my back goes out before or after george has visited). She instructed me to lay off the booze immediately so we can have a sort of baseline, and then I’ll be retested in April. I’ve since restarted the Chinese herbal medication that was given to me for my liver a few months ago. I’d stopped taking all my herbal meds, as well as vitamins, when I was sick from December 27 onwards. I’ve restarted taking vitamins, too.

Friday is when I bicycled for 5 minutes on the trainer and walked for 5 miles with a friend, btw.
(oh and it was Thursday or Friday that I noticed that my urine was back to a healthier colour, too).

The very next day, I was out with my man, and we happened across a winery, so we went in. Not even thinking, I participated in a wine tasting. It was only four types of wine, and the wineries only give you about an ounce or less to taste, but still. As soon as I realised what I’d done, I felt horrible. I’m not supposed to have ANY alcohol anymore. It will KILL me, I told myself and my man. I’d told my man back on January 15 not to allow me to have any more alcohol and he’s just not GETTING it on my behalf. I don’t know how else to say it. HELLO IT WILL KILL ME - he’s just not taking this seriously and well neither am I obviously if I slipped up and went to a winery for a tasting. My man wanted to go to more wineries but I told him we didn’t have time - which was true - we needed to get back home because we’d planned a gathering at our place. He pushed however until I relented and we went to another winery but it was packed full of people. A sudden onset of social anxiety or fear of people or whathaveyou rushed over me, and I became manic. Good thing my man didn’t want to stay, either. The place was hairy with people. We got back to the car and I just wanted to cry, I was so filled with anxiety and panic. We got into a tiff because I was freaking out, so I had to tell my man what was going on. It’s been years since I’ve had a social anxiety panic attack in front of him, so of course he wasn’t very sympathetic to me because he’d forgotten how to handle the situation when I get like that.

NOW I REALLY needed a drink, but I can’t drink because my liver enzymes are high. I don’t have anti-anxiety medication, I don’t take anti-depressants, and I don’t smoke pot. So WTF do I do, now? I had to breathe and ride it out.

That night, we had a gathering for my man’s and two of our friends’ birthdays. I was a spaz case because I barely had any time to wind down after getting home and before friends arrived. Despite the fact that it’s our friends and it’s at our house and therefore a safe environment, I was still really twitchy with social anxiety. A friend realised this and took me and another friend for a walk. That helped immensely, but only lasted a short time after we got back to the party. After half an hour or so, I was spazzy again.
Then at some point, my man offered me some of his drink to try, cuz he was proud of his concoction. I tried it and liked it. I asked for another sip and it was at that point that two of our friends noticed the exchange and said, “WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL HER?!?” and he pulled the drink back. I thanked our friends and told them that’s exactly the kind of reaction I need, as I have no self control with alcohol. My man’s reaction? “WHAT! It’s only a TASTE!”
So we all chided him and he bowed his head in shame.
Will it stick with him? Or will he keep wanting to go wine tasting and handing me drinks?

So yeah, that was last night. And at the gathering, I ate chocolates and dips that contained sour cream (dairy), and I drank sugary carbonated drinks (no corn syrup but it did have straight up sugar, which is still bad - I should NOT have that - it makes the pain worse).

Early this afternoon, I was talking with my man and suddenly I had pulsing, knifing pain in my right pelvic area, that made me gasp and double over, clutching myself. The pulsing lasted for a few minutes, long enough to allow me to breathe every 10 seconds before knifing me again. He held me while this was happening. I winced and told my man I must be ovulating, since george is due in a couple of days. Then it was over, just like that, after a few minutes.

At 3pm, I went bowling with friends. Five minutes before we left the house, george showed up.

He’s two days early. I popped an Ibuprofen600 and off we went. I brought leftover party food and of course ate some of it - mostly the chocolates and kettle corn. Ugh. Still out of control.
For the rest of the day since the pain first started, every so often, I’ll get one or three sharp, knifing pains in the same spot. But I’ve had no uterine pain. None. Slight spotting and sharp ovarian pain (happening as I type, too).

I’m really upset with myself. I’m disappointed in myself. I have been way out of line with myself all this month, since January 8th, and now it’s going to hurt REAL BAD.

I’ve got to stop the whole “I just want to eat whatever I want like other people get to do” mentality. It’s feeling sorry for myself. If I want to continue living, and if I want to have any sort of quality of life, I have GOT to stop being so cruel to myself. I have GOT to start putting healthy, nutritious food and drink into my body - food that is specially prepared for MY body and health concerns.

I’ve paid a health counselor $150/month for six months in 2007 to help me be kinder to myself. It didn’t work. I was scared for myself after a friend’s sister-in-law died - I thought this was the wake up I needed - but it only lasted a short time before I was back on the booze full tilt, and back to the sugar, chocolate and caffeine that hurts me badly. What does it take, Steph? When will you learn? When you are dead?

I dread what the next few days will bring me, pain-wise, because of the abuse I have caused myself this month.

I want to change. I don’t want to fall into this again next month. I swear, I need a group home environment where everything is strictly controlled insofar as my food and drink goes, and I need it prepared and served to me on a regular schedule, with all my Chinese herbal medication and my vitamins. But there is no one to do this for me. I have to do this for me. That’s been the whole problem. WHEN will I do this for me consistently and without fail?

One last thing - despite the thyroid and diabetes blood tests coming out normal, I’ve been shivering cold, even in a 73°F (23°C) house all through this month and for part of last month. Frozen fingers, goosebumps all over the body, literally shivering. I’m shivering and have goosebumps right now. I’ve been wearing a hat to bed with FOUR blankets AND a heating pad on my feet, and STILL freezing. I wear my shoes in the house to keep my feet warm because socks and slippers don’t do it for me. Although last night I found that I could put on my sock-slippers, then slip my feet into my small fuzzy black slippers, and then slip my feet again into a third pair of slippers - the big godzilla slippers that my man got me for xmess. THAT does the trick to keep my feet warm.

Is this being severely cold also due to the liver damage? I can’t find anything on google to confirm this.

The doctor’s assisstant just called about the blood I had drawn back on the 4th for the thyroid, liver and other thing.*

The liver enzymes are elevated.

They want me to stop taking pain medication and stop drinking alcohol immediately, and abstain for three months, and get tested again. I told her I cannot stop taking the pain medication, that the Tylenol3 is the only thing that helps me with the pain every month. We discussed how much Tylenol3 I consume each month and she told me that should be fine. I told her I’ve also been taking Chinese herbal medication for my liver and for uterine pain, based upon instructions from my acupuncturist. She said that should be fine to keep taking, and that as of now, I must abstain from all alcohol.

I remember being given the same stern warning oh… fifteen years ago after my pancreas got all inflamed and landed me in the hospital for four days. Within a year…maybe within months, I went right back to drinking. I started getting blackout drunk at clubs and parties within two years and that continued until at least last year.

In short, I don’t listen very well.

Wow. Elevated liver enzymes. That explains why I’ve been chronically tired dating back to Christmas, and likely explains the lethargy and depression for the last two weeks as well.

Your help is greatly appreciated - if you see me or read about me drinking alcohol from this point on, please remind me sternly that it WILL kill me and to STFU and STOPPIT NOW.
Please. I cannot do this alone. I have social anxiety - that’s mostly why I drink. And I also drink when I’m too stressed out.

5:35pm Edit: This article has a lot of good info for me. To wit:
“Mild to moderate elevations of the liver enzymes are commonplace. They are often unexpectedly encountered on routine blood screening tests in otherwise healthy individuals. The AST and ALT levels in such cases are usually between twice the upper limits of normal and several hundred units/liter.”

“The most common cause of mild to moderate elevations of these liver enzymes is fatty liver. In the United States, the most frequent cause of fatty liver is alcohol abuse. Other causes of fatty liver include diabetes mellitus and obesity. Chronic hepatitis C is also becoming an important cause of mild to moderate liver enzyme elevations.”

“A host of medications can cause abnormal liver enzymes levels. Examples include:
…Pain relief medications such as aspirin, acetaminophen (Tylenol), ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin), neproxen (Narosyn), diclofenac (Voltaren), and phenybutazone (Butazolidine)”

“With drug-induced liver enzyme abnormalities, the enzymes usually normalize weeks to months after stopping the medications.”

“Less common causes of abnormal liver enzymes in the United States include chronic hepatitis B, hemachromatosis, Wilson’s disease, alpha-1-antitrypsin deficiency, celiac sprue, Crohn’s disease, ulcerative colitis, and autoimmune hepatitis. Though not as common as hepatitis C, hepatitis B can cause chronic liver disease with persistently abnormal liver enzymes.”

“Rarely, abnormal liver enzymes can be a sign of cancer in the liver. Cancer arising from liver cells is called hepatocellularcarcinoma or hepatoma. Cancers spreading to the liver from other organs (such as colon, pancreas, stomach, etc) are called metastatic malignancies.”

“If alcohol or medication is responsible for the abnormal liver enzyme levels, stopping alcohol or the medication (under a doctor’s supervision only) should bring the enzyme levels to normal or near normal levels in weeks to months. If obesity is suspected as the cause of fatty liver, weight reduction of 5% to 10% should also bring the liver enzyme levels to normal or near normal levels.”

“If abnormal liver enzymes persist despite abstinence from alcohol, weight reduction and stopping certain suspected drugs, blood tests can be performed to help diagnose treatable liver diseases.”

“Ultrasound and CAT scan of the abdomen are sometimes used to exclude tumors in the liver or other conditions such as gallstones or tumors obstructing the ducts that drain the liver.”

So it’s good that I’ll be going for further testing to rule out celiac. If I DO have celiac, it could be a factor in the elevated liver enzyme issue. Then again, I’ve done well with abstaining from glutenous foods, so why would I be having a liver reaction?
Anyway, the drinking does NOT help me AT ALL, and neither does the Tylenol 3. But what do I do for the Endometriosis pain? :(

And don’t forget about my lovely gall stone issue (hmmm was it really a liver issue now I wonder?) back in September.

*I STILL forgot to ask them what that third blood test was for.

Well I guess it’s still happening, and will continue to happen each time I have to go through the job interview process….

This morning I dreamt that I was returning back to work in a corporate environment, and when I got to work and sat down at my desk, people were looking at me funny. I had the sense in my dream that I’d just come back from another round of Endometriosis pain, coupled with the flu.

The workplace was a large open floor filled with desks with no cubicle walls to separate people and teams from one another. Just one large open room filled with corporate drones. Many were in suits or business casual wear. As soon as I sat down at my desk and powered up the computer to start working, the Human Resources (HR) person came over to talk to me. My heart dropped when I saw her and immediately I was on edge. She told me she really needed to speak to me, now. I copped an attitude immediately and told her that I have a medically documented condition and she can’t fire me for it. She told me to get up and come with her.
I stood up and talked loudly, telling her within earshot of everyone around me that I do a great job there, and that the medical condition I have is thoroughly documented, that she has letters from my doctors, that I’ve done nothing wrong, and that I can sue if they fire me for being absent when I had called in and followed procedure.

I was escorted by HR and a couple managers “calmly and without incident” as they say, but I was upset. As we walked towards the HR office, I just didn’t want to hear the rejection. I just didn’t want to deal with rejections anymore. I’m a good person. I care about my work. I do a great job. Why can’t you bastards just allow me to take the 2-3 days off that I need every month because I really am bedridden from the pain of an incurable illness?
WHY?

So I ran. I ran away from them. Suddenly the corporate office turned into a warehouse and I was on the ground level, running towards a back entrance out of one of the big loading dock garage type doors. It was light outside but sort of hazy, like you get in the mornings in the winter.
They ran after me and kept calling for me to stop. At some point I did stop and just stood against a wall, waiting for them to catch up to me. By this time, there were more managers and clearly I’d caused a commotion. I had a circle of people huddled around me and I was backed against the wall.
The HR person read to me why I was being fired and yes, it was because of my monthly absenses related to my health condition, but they felt they were completely in the right for what they were doing. I felt like I was having my Miranda Rights read to me, I swear.
My belongings from my desk were handed to me and I walked out of the building, into the hazy morning light.

When I woke up, I had the daycare agency on my mind. I was really pissed off all over again at having been rejected. And I’m pissed off that the company that fired me back in October has caused these recurring nightmares every time I have to talk to another company about potential employment. If this isn’t a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I don’t know what is!

When I got out of bed and went over to the computer, I saw that I’m not the only one who’s still thinking about what the daycare agency did to me - I got a note from Mel on my journal entry about the agency rejection, and replied to her before taking my car into the shop (more on that in another post). Thanks again Mel for your caring thoughts!

Two days after the agency rejection, I got a letter from the Labor Board about the other job that fired me, letting me know my case has been assigned. I thought it was ALREADY assigned but no, it was just HANDED OFF until now. Now it’s assigned, and I was asked to send more evidence if I have it. I’ve just been in a depressed funk and barely able to do much - the depression worsening now that I think about it when the fecking daycare agency rejected me five days ago.

So right now I’ll go send off the additional evidence (emails and chat logs) to the dude my case is assigned to at the Labor Board, and I’ll mention what the daycare agency did as well.

And after that, I’ll need a shower and a clearing/grounding ritual to clear away the anger and bitterness. Today I’m meeting with a friend so we can discuss our “Unemployable and Unreasonable” goals to keep each other motivated towards our respective self-employment paths.

had several pieces of dark chocolate/espresso beans on January 8, when i was stressed out over having to choose one or the other job, both of which i DO NOT WANT.
also had several pieces of milk chocolate/almonds on the same day. Also had caffinated tea.

to recap; on the list of WILL KILL YOU, i disobeyed and had:
chocolate
caffeine

had nachos drenched in cheese and had caffinated tea for lunch on January 9th.
then had sushi with soy sauce - soy has natural estrogen and is bad for people with endometriosis.
also had 2 pineapple/rum drinks last night and am slightly hungover today.
pain with intimacy last night, pelvic/uterine pain today, stabbing at times, with growing frequency as the day wears on, causing me to gasp. george is not due for 12 more days.
sharp anal pain with sitting - intermittent.
had a mocha today which isn’t helping the above issues AT ALL.

to recap; on the list of WILL KILL YOU, i disobeyed and had:
alcohol
chocolate
milk
caffeine

Summary: when stressed out, i go for alcohol, chocolate and caffeine (like pretty much everyone else in the western world).

STOPPIT.

After all that work, today I was rejected for the friggin daycare job of all things.

I just went back through my journal and realised I never gave detail as to this ChildCare job.
So here we go…

Back in December, a ChildCare agency called me and said they’d found my resume on the unemployment office job board online. They wanted to interview me. I went in on December 11th and to my surprise, they accepted my college transcripts! I haven’t had a daycare do that for me in all the years I’ve lived in California - they always tell me I need California schooling to be a teacher of any sort. So I was excited that if in fact I do have to go back to working FOR someone, I’d much rather go back into my field of study rather than back to the dotcom industry or any office job for that matter.

It took the rest of the month to get seen by my local doctor and get paperwork filled out to prove that I’ve had a physical, a TB test and am in overall good health.
The caveat I ranted about a few days ago was the $125 the agency wanted me to spend on fingerprinting myself and sending the data to the department of social services. They say they don’t do that for me cuz they’re an agency.

I relented and went in armed with my paperwork and checkbook - the followup appointment for the agency was today.

There’s a new recruiter now, and the office manager was there, too. They took one look at my paperwork, and were instantly dissatisfied. I explained that one doctor’s report was from my surgeon and educated them about endometriosis. They said they’d ask their division manager to approve this restriction. They then asked me about why I can’t lift up to 60lbs. I explained the other doctor’s report, which shows a limit of lifting less than 60lbs, is because of a back injury from a car accident, but the restriction is quite flexible. I explained that I’m not working in a warehouse or factory, and that working with children is quite different, and will not be a problem.
Nope! Sorry! Not having it. The new recruiter sat there and lectured me, repeating the restriction to me FOUR TIMES. I told her it’s nothing, I can remove the restriction or have my doctor write up a new report. She declined this offer on my part, and told me the doctor has spoken and they will abide by this and that because the restriction is in direct conflict with the base requirement of the job, that is, being able to lift up to a 60lb child, they may likely not be able to accomodate me.
The woman invited that if I have any friends who might be interested, to have them apply. I asked her to tell me if she was disqualifying me outright, or if I should wait til she hears back from her division manager. She told me to wait til she hears back, but then shook my hand and thanked me for my time.

My time! What a waste of it! And what unbelieveable bastards! Turned down for CHILD CARE because of something so petty!!!

My first reaction was to call the labor board on these assholes, too. But y’know, it’s not worth it for me. It’s just not. This is a blessing. Things happen for a reason. I’m not supposed to go back to daycare work. I have to keep moving forward with my astrology business and not kowtow to fear of having my government check ripped away from me. Courage, mom.

The thing that kinda sucks is that I was SO sure I had this daycare job, that yesterday I told the company my friend works for that I am no longer interested in that job. This is the office job and I don’t want to go back to office work. I was warned in my own astrology forecast about being too stubborn or egotistical or proud to accept work. The warning said that I will have financial hardship. But y’know, I have Saturn in the 2nd House, which denotes a lifetime of financial hardship. What’s new?

So I’m rapidly approaching unemployable, it seems. And that’s okay. I knew since October that it could be April 2008 before I’m employed again full time - thanks to Susan Miller, who I’m a fan of. In the meantime, I’ve been going to The Business of Metaphysics meetings at the local tea house once a month, and the instructors there teach us how to be Unreasonable - that is - to accept nothing less than what we want to do with our lives, and not to bow to our fears of the ‘rational’ 9-5 office job. They tell us to declare boldly that we are Unemployable and Unreasonable! We are unreasonable because we refuse to give in to the fact that everyone must work themselves to death with the 9-5 office job or the labor job, working for other people, when we can be in business for ourselves, and help people with the metaphysical gifts that we have. The group is ever-changing and always supportive. People keep in touch and give encouragement of the others in the group. I’ve met physical therapists, mediums, numerologists, authors and dream walkers through this business group.

You have to fight for what you want. I am fighting against the monopolistic capitalist / globalisation work ethic to succeed at the work that *I* want to provide to the world.

Haven’t heard back from the doctor’s office on the blood tests for liver, thyroid and other stuff yet.

Went to the immunologist and he needs time to research all that I told him re: endometriosis/pancreatitis/allergies all being linked under the endocrine/immune system trouble I have. He, like me, wants to link everything under one umbrella but says it’s likely not so clear-cut in my case.
He’s going to order blood tests and unfortunately for me this means I have to subject myself to the foods that cause my immune reaction - namely the wheat/gluten/yeast/corn syrup/milk/eggs stuff I’ve been avoiding.
Then the big one I’ve REALLY been avoiding - he wants me to get that colonoscopy I ran away from in 2006 when the other allergist in his office told me to get that done. I chose to just abstain from the offending foods, instead.

But now, since my health is not improving, it’s time to get the dreaded colonoscopy. The reintroduction of the allergens and the prep for the test are the worst parts of the test - not the scope itself. They drug you silly for that. But I’m afraid of ALL the aspects.
*sigh*

On the employment front, this week I had two companies asking for status from me on whether I’d join them or not. The first company is a child care agency. They want me to spend $125 on fingerprinting myself and sending the data to the department of social services. They say they DON’T do that FOR me cuz they’re an AGENCY.
After much venting to my man about all this, he says I should still go for this job, and he’ll help with the financial aspect in getting started.
The second job is an office job. Need I say more? I talked at length with my man and decided finally after two months of hemming and hawing that I do not want to take that job. So I called the guy up. He sounded disappointed, if not outright mad. Too much weirdness personality-wise goes on between him and the rest of the office. It’s severely insecure, I dunno what else to call it. I don’t feel comfortable offering more detail than that. I’m better off without that job.

Wednesday is my man’s birthday - no idea what we’ll do, yet.

Continuing for a moment in the realm of diet, I have NOT been adhering well to my restrictions. Today I had chocolate and rum. Last night and today I had some shrimp. Every day I have a couple of tablespoons of cow’s milk mixed into the yoghurt mixture I make.
Today I was more stressed out than usual these days, because of the two companies wanting to hire me. I don’t WANT to go back to the working world, but I *have* to. My man doesn’t want to support me full time financially anymore while I get the astrology business off the ground. He wants us to have money to get married this year. So I go back to work soon.
In my stress over all that, I ate chocolate and began drinking the rum.

I was listening to streaming online music when suddenly the music stopped and tried to rebuffer. It had done this a couple of times and found its way back to the stream. But then iTunes did something I’ve never experienced before - it LEFT the stream completely and instead of stopping, it began playing music from my general music library. I’ve never had this happen before. The song that came on was Gravity by A Perfect Circle.

Gravity - A Perfect Circle

Lost again
Broken and weary
Unable to find my way
Tail in hand
Dizzy and clearly unable to
Just let this go

I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live

I fell again
Like a baby unable to stand on my own
Tail in hand
Dizzy and clearly unable to just let this go
I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live, I choose to live, I choose to live

Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
Help me survive the bottom

Calm these hands before they
Snare another pill and
Drive another nail down another
needy hole please release me

I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live, I choose to live

I got up from my chair and declared NO, I CAN’T do this, and poured another drink. But after that, I forced myself to chug water and come back to full sobriety and just DEAL with all that was on my plate. I’m not good at dealing with stuff. I love to medicate to mute things that make me nervous or anxious or afraid. But I also believe in synchronicity. And the song stuck with me and had special meaning for me.

Tonight is the New Moon - the moon of new beginnings. So I danced. I had Club Steph with the darkened house and the blue string lights. I held ritual and created energy as it were, with incense aiding me into the dance. I danced until I sweat, until my knees ached (Moon in Capricorn - Capricorn rules the knees), and danced some more. The music was what I call ’swirly’, and not the kind I usually dance to. Usually I need Industrial music. But tonight I needed swirly. Stuff like Dead Can Dance, Tristesse De La Lune, Ivoux, Juno Reactor, and actually, ‘Colours’ by Sisters of Mercy.

Oh, and during my dancing, I got a flood of emotion in my chest and belly, and an image of my Aunt B. So I need to call her and check on her and my uncle tomorrow. He’s the uncle with Stage IV stomach cancer.

Today I hit another milestone in my astrology business. The last milestone was on the 4th when I figured out an industry secret. ;)
And today I also got permission from an independent bookstore to link to them from my business site! I spent at least eight, maybe nine hours at work today porting over changes that a web designer friend gave me. It’s not live yet - I still have nine more areas of the site to change. This would all be so much easier if I knew CSS or had money to pay a webmaster.
Soon. These things will come soon enough.
Today I am proud of my accomplishments in the realm of self employment.

And now I must sleep. I will try not to worry too much for my uncle.

Had splodeyness again this morning but went ahead and made myself the Budwig breakfast anyway. I held it down and had no pain. Yay!

Went to the doctor for my annual physical. Spilled my details to yet another doctor and made my demands to see an endocrinologist. This doctor listened to everything I had to say, then said that endocrinology is the wrong path for now, and will refer me to immunology instead. YAY! A REFERRAL! Woohoo!! I have an appointment on Monday.
And the doctor had me go for blood draw for thyroid, liver and one other related thing I now forget cuz well I’m good at forgetting. But it was important and I’ll find out in a few days. If I get a letter, everything’s kosher. If I get a phone call, it ain’t kosher.

Regarding the flu, the doctor refused to give me antiviral drugs and said if I’m not better in 3 days to go get more tests done cuz she thinks it could be some bacterial infection that the antibiotics didn’t flush out in December. oooookay…

I also got my TB test for the daycare job that’s been calling for me. If I have to go back to work, I have to go back to work. I can’t tell this job NO, because they found me on the unemployment resource website, and they’ll report me saying NO to them, and unemployment money will be cut off. So I go.
I’ve been really bad at staying focused day to day on the astrology site anyway, proving once again that I have no self control and need to work FOR someone. Feh.

So I go back to the doctor on Monday and get the TB thing checked, and send back the paperwork to the daycare job, and we’ll see where it goes from there. I’ve been on weekend time since October 13, and now I see Sunday approaching and Monday looming as it were. So yeah, I’m a bit sad. Alas. I keep working on the astrology thing after work. That’s the next test of my self control and willpower.

The rain soaked me through while I was out, despite wearing a raincoat. Got home, changed into dry warm clothes, put a throw and a heating pad on me, and also decided to try having Real Food again. I made a Budwig salad and had no pain after consumption! I was hungry again not long after, so I ate some rice, and no pain afterwards! Yay!!
I’m still pretty tired today but plowing through my self-assigned duties. All that’s left is to work on the astrology site now til my man gets home. I hope he CAN get home tonight - the weather has caused so many road closures it ain’t even funny.

So I went most of the day without eating because anything entering my stomach hurt too much.

What’d I do then? I got SO hungry that I ate a gluten-free waffle. And nothing hurt. So I made rice. And wolfed it down. And had another waffle.

OW.

rice. and waffles. and i hurt. wtf.

oh and I’m hugely fatigued again and had to nap a couple times today. Oh and eye pain. And headache. And sore muscles in shoulder/neck. Just like I had going on last week. Well the eye pain and headache are new developments though.

Turning in for the night in a few minutes.

Good thing I have my annual physical tomorrow. Wheee. Anti-viral drugs are possibly in my future.

I’ve been in achey icky flu-state again all day. It started bright and early with, well… how shall we say it:

This all started with some as yet to be named meanie at B&W’s house on December 25th, who gave upwards of eight or nine of us the flu. Our present arrived on the same day - December 27, with the same symptoms, some worse than others initially.

I thought I was well again a couple days ago but then yesterday people from the shindig started reporting that the flu had resurged and moved southwards… ewwww.
Then today… everything moved that way for me and another member of that fated party, too.

And I hung with J&T on NYE and now J is sick…I feel horrible. He insists he didn’t get it from hangin’ out at our place but I fear it’s precisely how he got sick. If incubation was two days for us initially, and J was over on December 31, then it’s right on target for thriving in a new host. :(

Today, along with the gross stuff, I also have eye pain, headache, severe fatigue again (already had to nap once, am ready to nap again after only being awake again for about an hour and a half), and the body ache as well as stomach pain again. I have not had a fever, nor have I vomited.
This is going on a week now, people!
…though the Interwebs tell me that the flu can last a couple of weeks… and also tell me that it’s common for a sinus infection to precede or accompany the flu. A-ha! I should have seen it coming through all of December, and stayed the HELL away from people. The virus laughs and kicks ya while yer immune system is down.

*sigh*

I’ve only had a bowl of chicken soup and a protein bar, and lots of water today. Can’t handle anything more, don’t WANT to eat. Blah.

Dear Steph,

You’ve abused your body for far too long. Tonight you had plum wine and you KNOW it has sulfites in it. Your face and chest rashed out. Then you had ice cream. Now you have new uterine and anal pain because it’s all kicking back up anew, just when you thought george went away for a few weeks.

In yet another attempt to get it through to you, it’s time I told you in terms that you may understand better…

chocolate will KILL YOU.

cow’s milk will KILL YOU.

I’ve written out a sign that says similar and put it next to your monitor. I can print more all over the house if it will help.

AS SOON AS YOU START AVOIDING THESE THINGS PERMANENTLY, YOUR HEALTH WILL BEGIN TO IMPROVE.
Your immune system will stop reacting so violently. The Endometriosis definitely hurts less without chocolate, milk, sugar and artificial sweeteners.

And now that it’s public, perhaps your friends can help you ADHERE to these words of caution.

Love,
Steph

P.S. good job on the Budwig Diet. Keep up the good work!