I’m PMSing

My emotions have been high – I’ve started craving coffee and salty foods again. Looking at the calendar, this tells me I am in fact PMSing – george is due not this Saturday, but next. PMS normally begins up to two weeks out for me, because god hates me.

It’s after 3pm now and I’ve not started my workday. I’m in my pajamas. I started off the day badly. I forgot again if today was workout day with my friend or not, so I got up after 6 hours of fitful sleep, got ready and went to her house, only to find she never emerged to greet me. So today *isn’t* workout day.
Instead of going to work out, I came back home. I hadn’t wanted to work out today, anyway. I went dancing Saturday night and dancing always messes my knees for a few days. I was sore from that, and then on Sunday, I helped my friend sort through stuff in her house because she’s moving. It was labour-intensive, pulling stuff down from the attic, moving big boxes around, sorting bags and bags of recyclables that never got taken out, etc, etc.
So I was sore from that, too.

Oh and the george pains started again Saturday and Sunday. Mittleschmerz I think it’s called. I had to take 600mg Ibuprofen yesterday. The pains were shooting through my ass, and it was difficult to sit down. Then again, I’d had an espresso milkshake on Saturday – that’s two forbidden items on my list at the same time – caffeine and dairy. I bet that’s what set off the cramps.

I went back to bed after my man left for the gym this morning, and within half an hour, a car accident occurred right outside the house. The crash woke me up and I ran to the front window to see how bad it was. Old man in a truck vs. a woman in a compact. Both were ambulatory and exchanging info. But the sound was all it took to make me flash back to the car accident I was in back in 1994.

I tried to go back to sleep after pacing the house for several minutes. When I did get back to sleep, I had nightmares of magnitude 7 earthquakes and people being double-crossed; stabbed to death, poisoned, choked, and suchlike.

My phone woke me from my nightmares – it was my man calling to check in on me. This made me feel even worse – he knew I’d gone back to bed. This makes me feel even more like a slacker and a good-for-nothing to someone who already doesn’t trust me to deliver a business I said I would.

Of course, he’ll never say he doesn’t trust me. He’ll never say he doesn’t mind supporting me.

I feel like I’m just a sponge – the thing he’d feared in all women has come true. His extreme independence and materialism is compromised.

Sometimes I dream of being single again, because then I’d have nothing to lose and I could have my business, and do it right, and do it on my terms, in my own time frame.

But then where would I live when no money is coming in? Even if I were single, I’d still have to pay rent and buy groceries, and pay basic bills for heating and electricity somehow.

The short of it is that I need and want to be a dependent in order to get my business off the ground, and it’s not fair that no one is willing to play along with me on this. :p

Oh and don’t forget, I still have to plan a wedding.

I don’t want to get married right now. There’s too much going on without the hassle of a wedding – a wedding that to me is useless because we’ve been together for almost eight years. We’re already married in spirit. Why can’t he see that? Why does he need a $1,000 ring to show people that he’s married already?

That’s the other thing. I’ve had SO MUCH SHIT about getting a ring cuz all the rings I like are over $1,000. Then the ring he picks and HAS TO HAVE is $1,000.

WTF.

WHO’S THE GIRL.

I just need to go cry, now.


5:17pm Edit: Well, I didn’t cry. I whimpered a bit. Then I sucked it up, and started doing the chores I’d assigned myself to do today.
I called a friend, who said she will go to Berkeley w/ me Thursday or Friday to distribute biz cards.
I will distribute around town this week.
I will refresh my listings on the search engines.

I plug ahead even as the cord is about to be cut.

I don’t know why I bother.

Post-mortem on this month’s cycle

I had withdrawls on Thursday and Friday. The stomach cramps and nausea hit me at the same exact time of day, and I couldn’t eat. Then I was fine by Saturday.

As good as the Dilaudid was to me while I was in pain, I really do NOT need to be having withdrawls from that shit for days after the pain has gone away. I await my GYN’s return phone call to discuss the next steps, and I also await a call back from my masseuse, who is looking for a Qigong practitioner for me so I don’t have to keep going down the opiate road.

As to my length of cycle – last month it was two days of bleeding. This month it was three. Three days is about what I’m used to for the past five or so years.

So now that the cycle has righted itself, so to speak, I just have to figure out how I’m going to manage the pain the next time around.

More on the withdrawls

I called the pharmacy last night and they were of NO help whatsoever. They accused me of overreacting, saying one can’t have withdrawl symptoms after only 3 days on a drug. Screw them, they don’t know me or my body or my history with medications. So I called the on-call nurse at my GYN office. She was much more understanding and took me at face value, and gave some advice, and also said yes, I should go to ER if the symptoms worsen.

So I decided I’d try eating something and if the cramping returned enough to really hurt a lot, or if the diarrhea returned, I’d go to ER to get blood workup.

I had two gluten free waffles with real maple syrup and gluten free butter, and chocolate almond milk to drink. After eating, I had rumbly stomach, and the nausea continued, and I had a few minor cramps, but nothing major and no diarrhea. So I just decided to go to bed and sleep it off. I figured I’d endured the worst of it.

Woke up this morning and my right upper arm is still a bit twitchy, but I was hungry and able to eat without any problems.

But overall, this blows. I don’t know what other medications are left for me at this point. I’m still waiting for my masseuse to get me a Qigong practitioner.

Oh, and george returned again this morning. I have to leave for a job interview in 45 minutes so I’m holding my breath so to speak, hoping the pain doesn’t return as well.

The job interview is for another daycare agency. My horoscope says to expect financial or job news today, or a bill of some sort to come due. So I’m also eagerly awaiting any news from the labor board.

Allergic reaction? Withdrawls

I was eating Amy’s brand corn tortilla cheese enchiladas, topped with Trader Joe’s jalapeño tortilla chips, when I had a full GI reaction. Started with tightening in the stomach, then full on stomach pain, then nausea, then the rest.

I looked at the box to be sure I got corn instead of flour tortilla enchiladas. It IS corn. Or so it says on the box. Maybe it was a mixup. I have no idea – I ate it all before getting sick. :(

My eyes are glassy and I’m even MORE tired now than I was before. My pulse is normal – they say when the body has an allergic reaction, the pulse can elevate. Hm.
I’m gonna go take a nap.


10pm Edit: It wasn’t the food. This has been going on for five hours now. I decided to look up “withdrawl symptoms” to the hydromorphone (Dilaudid), since I took so much of it, yesterday (well, for me, it was a lot).

Get this! (bold indicates those symptoms I am exhibiting)

The opioid abstinence or withdrawal syndrome is characterized by some or all of the following: restlessness, lacrimation, rhinorrhea, yawning, perspiration, chills, myalgia, mydriasis. Other symptoms also may develop, including: irritability, anxiety, backache, joint pain, weakness, abdominal cramps, insomnia, nausea, anorexia, vomiting, diarrhea, or increased blood pressure, respiratory rate, or heart rate. – rxlist.com

Even as I looked up the symptoms, my right upper arm began twitching, too (it’s noted as a side effect while ON hydromorphone, but for me it could be part of the withdrawl).

Go me.

Another drug I need to fire.

Oh, and george was mostly dead all day today, but returned by 9pm. No pain, yet, just bleeding. But if the pain resumes, and I have this nausea and stomach pain, THEN what do I do?
I seriously might go to ER for injection at that point, cuz I’m seriously done with abusing my stomach right now.

When I was ON the hydromorphone, I had the following side effects that I failed to note until now:

  • depressed respiration
  • stomach and intestinal gurgling
  • low-level nausea
  • headache (first withdrawl symptom I had as of late last night)

This blows. I don’t know what else to say.

SO tired on the first day of spring

Yesterday, the pain got so bad that I took 2mg all at once, because the pain got so bad sometime between 6:30 and 7pm.
So yesterday, I had a total of 4 or 4.5mg for the whole day, which is about 2 and a half pills total.

Last night, I had tears in my eyes and a furrowed brow from the pain, waiting for the medicine to kick in, lying on my back on the bed with a heating pad under me and a heating pad on my pelvis, when my man came home from work.
He had two blue roses for me.

I burst into tears and thanked him and kissed him.

I love that man.

THEN!

After dinner, he bought me ice cream.

Yes, I know, I’m not supposed to have ice cream. But I was having one of those IT’S NOT FAIR moments, wherein I’ve been very good and I’ve not had milk or pop or caffeine or corn syrup or any of that garbage, and STILL the pain kills me dead. So I was all WHAT’S THE POINT, GIVE ME THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT.

And so he did. He got me ice cream. :D

And I didn’t have any worse pain after eating the ice cream.

The older I get, the more I feel that the endometriosis pain is not always related to immediate dietary input. The pain is there because it’s embedded and it’s an immunological genetic disease. No amount of food abstinence is going to make the pain go away. That’s how I feel lately anyway.

When I woke up this morning, I felt rejuvenated. I had so much energy, I didn’t know what project to start on, first. I was hyper. I felt myself spinning in place.

So I took a shower and was excited that the pain and bleeding didn’t ramp up after the shower like it’s done so many times before.
I went outside into the lovely sunshine and walked up the street to my car. I took my car to the gas station and filled the tank, and drove to the doctor’s office to request a note for a potential employer (I have an interview with another childcare staffing agency tomorrow).
I then drove to the local army surplus store to inquire about British WWII uniforms. They didn’t have any. Ah well.

At this point, I still had to go to the grocery to pick up a couple of items, and take my car to an auto wash, but this is where my body had enough excitement. I was ready to fall asleep at the wheel.

I came home and here’s where I’m at. I’m SO tired. I think I shouldn’t push my luck for the rest of the day. I need to save my energy for the interview tomorrow.

It’s a shame, because today is the first day of Spring, and it’s beautiful outside, and I’m not in pain. And yet, my body wants to sleep through the day.

It is what it is.

I will listen to the birds singing and just take it easy today.


1:25pm Edit: Ok I didn’t listen to my own advice. I walked up to the doctor’s office to retrieve the doctor’s note, which was only one mile round trip. I’m still not in any pain but my body is even more tired now than it was before. So, NOW I take it easy for the rest of the day. ;)

The pain seeped through

Today is Day 3 of george, and Day 2 of the heavy bleeding.

Today, 1mg is no longer enough to stop the pain.

Monday night I went through a total of two Dilaudid pills, so that’s a total of 2mg in one day.

Tuesday, I woke up in screaming pain and went right for the Dilaudid. I was able to take only an Ibuprofen600 in the afternoon, and that was enough to silence the cramps. The cramps came back around 11pm, so I took a Dilaudid just so I’d be knocked out for the night. So in all, I took a total of two Dilaudid pills, which again is a total of 2mg in one day.

Today, it’s not even 2pm and I’m on my second Dilaudid pill because the pain came through the first one.

And when I say “pain”, it’s such a subjective, generic word. It can’t possibly even come near what I’m really feeling.

“Pain” doesn’t convey to you the level of pain that I’m feeling.

My latest phrase since December to describe the pain has been that someone’s hooked up a rusty tow claw or chain to my uterus, and now they’re slowly trying to pull everything out of me.

I hope that’s enough to suffice when I say “I’m in pain”.

First official run with the dilaudid

George arrived yesterday. The pain ramped up badly by 7pm.

Last night was the 15-year anniversary of a local goth club. I waffled and hemmed and hawed for hours, and despite the pain, at the last minute, decided I would go. I popped 1mg of Dilaudid (I have the generic, which is Hydromorphone, but Dilaudid is much shorter to say and spell) and off we went, just after 9pm.

I felt no pain until around midnight, when my lower back started really hurting from sitting and standing, so I popped another milligram.
I never did dance – all I could do was try to focus on being upright. I was chatty and able to hold conversation for the most part. The bright flashing lights of the club hurt my eyes, and I felt off balance whenever I tried to walk or stand up. My eyes had nystagmus pretty bad, which didn’t help. But in all, I am glad I went, because I got to see my friend who had such a rough patch in New Mexico months ago. I and several of our friends wired him money and sent abundant emotional support, and this helped him to stay alive and push on, and get back to the Bay Area. He’s home in our neck of the woods, now, and he’s doing so much better.

When I got home, I was starving, so I nuked an Amy’s brand gluten-free enchilada meal. Sadly, I got quite nauseous after eating. Blah. I went to bed.

Woke up this morning after about 5-6 hours of sleep in excruciating pain. I was also very whiney and cranky and demanding. I remember this emotional outburstiness right after surgery, when I’d also been on either Dilaudid or straight morphine. So I know it’s a side effect.
I wanted none of that “Try an Ibuprofen first and then the Dilaudid” crap. I went right for the Dilaudid and was just short of screaming in pain. My man had to go to work so he couldn’t tend to me, and he felt really bad. I told him I took the Dilaudid and would be okay, and I was.

I had nearly six hours pain free, with only sporadic moments of sharp, jarring pain. I took a nap, and when I woke up around 3:30pm, the pain returned. I didn’t have the whiney demanding crankiness this time, though.

I decided to do the Ibuprofen600 first this time, so I nuked an Amy’s brand Indian dish of Palak Paneer to first coat my stomach against the drug, and after eating, I took the Ibu.

I’m waiting for the pain to subside. It takes twice to three times as long for the Ibuprofen to kick in as it does for the Dilaudid. But I don’t want to simply cover the pain because I know there’s inflammation going on with Endometriosis, and Ibuprofen is good for that, and a good diuretic to boot.
But if I don’t have a good level of pain relief in the next half hour, I’m taking the Dilaudid, too. The pharmacist said it’s okay to combine the two.

Regarding my body temperature – want to update you on that for a minute – my core temperature remains 97.4 to 97.9 even when I’m on my period. The internal inflammation doesn’t elevate my temperature. Strange.

Haven’t taken any vitamins today – I’ll go do that now.

I have not left the bed today except for food and bodily functions.

George is here, vitamins are working.

So george arrived today. That makes him “on time” for the new cycle he’s created as of last month.

This is good, as long as he doesn’t change cycle again before October. Right now I have a two week clearance around the wedding date. Note to body: KEEP IT THAT WAY.

But what pisses me off is that the past month has felt like one long breath-holding session for me.

I just didn’t trust the home pregnancy tests, and I was feeling low level nausea, and I had swollen, painful breasts and legs.

Then, last week, I got all the symptoms of my period without the period. So I spent the past week feeling like I was on my period, only with no blood. Last time that happened, uh, I was pregnant.

But then today george actually arrived.

Commence the *sigh* “Oh thank gods” / “GODDAMMIT” routine.

Yay for no sprog, boo for the massive wave of pain that’s coming.

Regarding the vitamins, I’ve been including one calcium/magnesium vitamin once nightly before bed along with the vitamin C, and during the day, I’m remembering to take a B-50 vitamin with either MSM or Glucosamine. I still need to take those two several times a day, but, y’know, baby steps.

The problem with my breasts being so painful has cleared up with the last two days’ worth of Vitamin B-6 being added back into my diet AND cutting out caffeine.
The other B-6 deficiency that waned is the swollen legs. Yay! I checked my medicine cabinet and I have a new, unopened bottle of vitamin B-100 waiting for me once I finish off the rest of the B-50 vitamins, too.

I may have been mean to myself by neglecting myself with vitamin deficiency, but at the same time I was good to myself at some point because I’d bought a new bottle of B’s so I wouldn’t be without coverage when the other bottle ran out. Now I’m back on track. I’ll be a good girl.

The pain from the Endo hasn’t been bad today, but then, the bleeding hasn’t really ramped up yet, either. I’m on Ibuprofen600 right now.

That’s about all I got.

Remember your vitamins and CUT THE CAFFEINE.

I’ve not been very good to myself. I keep forgetting to take my vitamins. It feels like there’s just too much to manage these days.

I have eight tiny herbal pills – Chinese medicine – and I have to take eight of these pills at a time, three times a day.

I have to take my pulse and temperature every three hours to present data to the endocrinologist.

I take one calcium/magnesium vitamin once nightly before bed.

I take one MSM pill once nightly before bed.

I take one vitamin C vitamin once nightly before bed.

Just with that alone, I’m still forgetting to take the MSM two more times a day, a B-complex vitamin once a day, a glucosamine sulfate pill once a day, and my pre-medication Ibuprofen up to twice a day.

That’s A LOT of pills going into my gullet. I feel like pills are all that I’m taking.

The problem now that I’ve forgotten for two months straight to take my B complex vitamins is that my breasts are so painful, I can’t even change into or out of bras and shirts without wincing from the pain. I have other symptoms, too:

  • Irritability
  • Bloating
  • Swollen legs
  • Cravings
  • Fatigue
  • Foregetfulness

Those are all symptoms of B-6 deficiency, as well as magnesium deficiency, according to what I read in Endometriosis: A Key to Healing Through Nutrition.

I thought I was getting enough magnesium, but according to the book, I need three times what I’m taking. Looks like another trip to Trader Joe’s or the local health food store to see if they have just magnesium to supplement the calcium/magnesium vitamin.

I remember to take vitamins at bedtime, but the problem with vitamin B is that it gives me nightmares if I take it at night. I’m going to have to get it in my head that a B vitamin MUST be taken with my first round of Chinese herbal pills in the morning.

I think once I have the B’s in my system again, I’ll stop having the two-weeks-before-george pain and fatigue and all that crap.

Oh and the tea thing… note to self:

NO MORE CAFFEINATED TEA, DAMMIT.

You cut the coffee, now cut the caffeinated tea.

NO MORE CAFFEINE.

REMEMBER, CAFFEINE WILL KILL YOU.

No wonder your breasts are tender. Caffeine is contributing to this.
Caffeine is bad for me.

Caffeine is dangerous to me.

GAH, sometimes, I swear I wanna smack you.

/note to self

Made it through my depression yesterday. Successfully avoided alcohol or pills. Woohoo! Thanks in large part due to my sister for calling and checking in on me – we talked on the phone for quite awhile and this in turn distracted me away from the bottle.

Today the pain has continued back and forth – I’m okay, I’m so tired I need a nap, no wait, I’m okay, UGH cramp! etc etc and so forth.

WHEN THE HELL IS GEORGE GOING TO ARRIVE? He missed the first arrival date of the 11th back on Tuesday. Next guessed arrival date isn’t til Monday the 17th (on my half-year birthday ;)).

Current complaints are severe bloating leading my elbows and knees to ache with throbbing pain. I have moderate low back pain and on and off mild to moderate uterine pain.

My whole back feels screwed as the upper back tries to compensate for the tightened lower back, which is in defense mode against the pain welling up in that region.

It’s only 9pm and I want to go to bed. Maybe I should.