I Will Not Suffer In Silence

I woke up to get ready to work out this morning and had to stand in the hallway for a couple of minutes to guage whether or not I felt well enough to leave the house. I’m not bleeding yet - it’s the pre-menstrual pain and discomfort. I had slight nausea, too. When I have that, usually it means I’m about to bleed profusely.

I stood there long enough that my cat woke up and jumped down off the couch and came up to me as if to ask how I was doing. ;)

I decided that since I’d not heard from my friend the night before about gym plans, that there was no sense in potentially awakening her this morning just to say I’m not going to the gym. I went back to bed.

I awoke again 3 hours later of a nightmare wherein I was trying to get to work and kept running into women blocking the road in one way or another. The second woman had a big truck parked on the railroad tracks I was trying to drive on??!?

The tracks were on a bed of gravel perpendicular to the road for cars. I had words with the woman. She was bitchy back at me, saying her car was broken down and she needed help. I treated her like a homeless begging vagrant and turned around to try another pathway to work. Suddenly I was without a car myself and found myself running on train tracks embedded in a cement road, off to the right from where I left the woman standing.

I then heard a train’s horn. I turned around as I ran and saw the train barreling down the tracks towards me. I started to run to get out of the way, running towards a ditch, and my thought was, “I don’t think I’ll make it in time, trains go faster than we think they do.”

And then I woke up.

To analyse the dream, I go to my handy dandy dream dictionary:

“To see an obstruction on railroad tracks, suggests you have done something you’re sorry about.”

“To dream about people getting killed by a train, or of being in a train wreck, suggests that progress towards your goals is not going according to plans. This may be because you lack the self-confidence to pursue them whole-heartedly.”

I’m still slightly nauseated, still no bleeding, still low uterine pain and now moderate low back pain, and I feel like I want to cry all day.

And the dream is spot on, by the way.

I feel highly pressured to get back to work and this paralyses me with fear. There’s nobody close to me pressuring me - it’s all in my head - fear of being forced by the state to go back to work before I’m ready. The side of my fear is that I don’t want to go through the abuse again of an employer constantly telling me every week that they’ll fire me if I don’t come to work every single day.

I really hope the settlement comes soon. I can’t go back to work. My anxiety is such that I’ll have a full on breakdown over it. I’m scarred mentally from what I’ve been through with that last employer.

With all this fear and paralysis, it makes it hard to continue working on my web business, because I feel I’m no good at it. I feel like I’ll never be successful, like I’m wasting my time, like what I’m doing is totally unreasonable, like I’m being a slacker and a sponge on my man, draining him of his finances.

Today is fired.

At least my cats know this. Kiki has his head on my right leg, and Zenaide is draped over my left arm as I sit on the couch using the laptop. They’ve come to comfort me.

Went to the gym this morning at sunrise.

15 minutes on the elliptical, burned roughly 135 calories.

10 minutes on the arm rowing thingy, burned roughly 53 calories.

That’s all I could muster today, due to impending girl do0m. Been in whimpery discomfort ever since this morning. :(
The pain is low in the uterus, and I have bleedy ass do0m again, too. This started last Thursday and has been on and off since then. It happens every month right before george arrives. This tells me I also have Endometriosis on my bowels or in the asshole somewhere, which was not revealed during surgery. Feh. Why did my insurance spend $19K again? I’m still in pain every month. Nothing’s been fixed. I lost my job anyway.

Blah.

I don’t know what else to day. Depression and Blah.

Last week I dropped off the prescription my new GYN sent me. The pharmacy said they’d have to consult with her, because they couldn’t do a dose as low as she was asking unless it was injectible. I told them no way did I want to inject pain meds.

Three or four days went by and I called the pharmacy back - I’d forgotten what drug the GYN even wanted me on by that point. And to my frustration, the pharmacy couldn’t find the prescription. Panic ensued on their end when I lost my shit with them. They found it and told me they’d fill the prescription, but I’d have to cut the pill in half to take the dose my GYN wants me to take.

FINE, YES OK, JUST FILL THE DAMNED THING, WTF, I WILL NEED IT SOON.

Turns out, the GYN has prescribed me a type of morphine called Hydromorphone. It’s a generic for Dilaudid.

Greeeeeeeat.

This is the same drug that my uncle was or is on for stomach cancer (last I heard, he survived his doctor’s prediction of 6 weeks, and he’s still going at 13 weeks).

When I got home, I read up on Hydromorphone’s side effects. It’s not good for people who are prone to depression (hi!), and it is highly addictive, and withdrawl symptoms occur after as little as a week of usage, but not normally with doses under 8mg. This drug is related to oxycodone.

I’ve been prescribed 1mg, but after having tried my man’s oxycodone prescription for the pain once, I thought I was drowning/suffocating to death. I literally didn’t think I’d make it through the night. That was 5mg though. Later, when I cut the oxycodone in half, I did better on 2.5mg, but I got very depressed and agitated after even one dose. The same is true when I have vicodin or when I have codeine sulfate.

I decided it would be best to do a test run with the hydromorphone before my period actually arrives, so I know what all to expect.

On the rxlist site, I read that “The most frequently observed adverse effects are light-headedness, dizziness, sedation, nausea, vomiting, sweating, flushing, dysphoria, euphoria, dry mouth, and pruritus. These effects seem to be more prominent in ambulatory patients and in those not experiencing severe pain.”
My left shoulder and my entire back from my shoulder to my butt was in moderate pain last night, anyway, so perhaps I wouldn’t have the negative side effects.

I split the pill and took roughly 1mg (pill splitters are never accurate), and took a shower. The meds came on towards the end of my shower - I suddenly felt SO tired that I might whine like a two year old without a nap if I didn’t get to bed, soon. I just wanted someone to finish drying me off, put my jammies on me, and put me into bed.

I managed to do this without the whimpering. ;)

Got into bed, and it was like the bestest, warmest hug EVAR. So naturally I was really liking this drug so far.
The hydromorphone made me sound “floaty” according to my man. I was talkative and dreamy-eyed and smiley all tucked into bed while my man laid opposite me so we could see each other without craning our necks. He was reading a role-playing game book before bed as he often does.

I slept hard, but woke up early - around 7:30am (that’s early for me these days), and I had thee worst backache. The hydromorphone had taken the pain away last night, but it returned this morning with a vengeance. I had to use the homemedics massager on my back for over half an hour, when all I wanted to do was just sleep. I’ve been up ever since, and I feel zombie-like today. That would be the drug hangover.

I was able to have a regular bowel movement, but I’m sure if I’m on the hydromorphone for a few days, I’ll be constipated just like when I’m on the other opiates.

So, overall the test run was successful. We’ll see how it all works out when george arrives.

The biggest concern I have with this drug is that it’s another opiate - and not only is it another opiate, but it’s got the word morphine in it. I’m going down that road - the road to invalid status - by taking stronger and stronger opiates for the pain. DO NOT WANT.

The Qigong lady I called last week never called me back. I’ll try her again, and see if there’s any other Qigong practitioners in the area. I can also still go to see my acupuncturist, but that is a bandaid - it wears off.

I no longer want bandaids. I’ve had bandaids for this illness for nearly 22 years. I want to overcome this.

Last week, I started having pre-menstrual symptoms. I was getting shooting pains on my left side, which was likely ovulation. I was feeling low uterine cramping. I was getting shooting pains through my anus. I started feeling run-down and depressed, and generally overwhelmed. It’s continued through to the present moment - I’m having wincing arse pain as I write this.

I told my gym buddy that I’ve started to present symptoms, and that as a result, the next week would be up in the air for me. She told me that’s fine, and asked me if I knew when I’d start bleeding.

This is where I got frustrated, though I didn’t let on to my friend. I told her that since I was late last month, and since I’m already presenting symptoms at the time I would normally have been due had I not been a week late last month, that this is confusing for me, and therefore I do not know if I’ll actually be bleeding this week or next - I have no way of knowing til it hits. I told her I could just have symptoms for two weeks straight before I start bleeding - it’s happened before. In fact, before surgery in February, 2007, I always had cramping and felt fatigued up to two weeks before bleeding.

This was all just too much for my friend to process, I think. A couple days later, she asked if I knew yet when I’d be bleeding, so she could plan accordingly for her gym week. I got frustrated again and told her I still have no idea. I again explained the situation I’m facing: I would be due on Tuesday, March 11th, except last month, I was a week late. So therefore I could be due on Monday, March 17th.
OR, my period could simply re-adjust back to its normal schedule, discounting last month’s lateness, and therefore I’ll still bleed as previously predicted around Tuesday, March 11th.
I told her again, I have no way of knowing for sure until the bleeding starts, and that all I know is that I am having pre-menstrual symptoms, which could last two weeks and so is not a reliable indicator of when I will bleed, so just bear with me and I’ll let you know as soon as I start bleeding.
Sure, that’s like zero notice, and sure, I understand people not liking to make last minute adjustments to their schedules, but if you’re going to be in any way involved with my life, you also have to deal with my illness.

As a result of my friend’s two inquiries about when I’ll be sick, I had a flashback to another person who’d done this a few months ago, and I became quite bitter and angry on the inside.

I called my gym buddy last night and we talked about my illness and expectations and planning around the time of my period. I’m really glad I never lost my shit with her - she has been coming from a place of well-meaning and caring, and assured me she can always make other plans and can easily get to public transit on her own. She told me not to fret, and to just let her know when I know and we’ll take it from there, no worries. This made me feel so much better!

So I’m not mad at her. I’m still however pissed off at other people and companies who never bothered to talk it all out with me, who never bothered to give a shit about what I’m going through. Because of this anger, it’s very difficult for me to not get triggered again next time someone puts the phrase to me, “So, do you know when you’ll be out sick?”

I want to function as an employee and as a friend. I want to provide services and help to companies and to friends and family. It’s demeaning when I’m not feeling well and I get dismissed as someone who is non-committal or a slacker, just because people can’t detect outwardly that there’s something wrong, or that I’m in great pain. Unless they see a dangling shredded body part, people don’t believe that I’m ill.

It’s the same thing with my forgetting. And you know, all this time I thought it was from the car accident - it may be related to the rest of this immunological crap going on - I saw that it’s a symptom of hypothyroidism that I’m currently looking into. In any case, I still get the same treatment. People dismiss me or think I’m faking or think I’m a flake, instead of hearing me out that I have a real issue going on that scares even me.

These are what are termed invisible illnesses. I want people to read up on this and get a friggin’ clue.

And really, all I want is to be taken at face value, people. When I say something related to my health, you accept it. I know myself better than you, better than doctors, better than my family, and better than anyone’s deity. If you don’t want to believe that, then you can take a walk and don’t look back. Cuz I’ll be walking, too, and I don’t look back.

WARNING: TMI

I’ve been experiencing bleedy ass do0m for the last two and a half days, and also some shooting pains through the anus for the last four days. With that, I’ve also had moments where I’ll lean forward or sit up straight, and it feels like internally, my pelvic area has run into a sharp wall - perhaps my uterus had frozen in place momentarily and wouldn’t bendy-foldy the way I wanted it to with the rest of my body and organs as I moved. I dunno. But that’s as good as I can describe it.

Today I have low uterine pain intermittently throughout the day, and my lower back all the way to my shoulder is seizing up - the hallmarks of impending george do0m.

This morning I called the pharmacy to find out what the holdup was on my new prescription - apparently they’ve just sat on it for the last several days. WTF. So they moved on it today and I’m going to go pick it up and experiment with the latest round tonight.

I don’t even know the name of this one. But my new GYN says it’s not as harmful to the liver as Tylenol.

If george re-adjusts to his regular schedule, he’ll be here in the next 48 hours.

This is the part I hate most - I know he’s coming, but exactly WHEN?

This doesn’t help when I’m trying to make or keep plans. Well, it wouldn’t be so bad honestly were it not for other people looking to me to confirm plans. That’s a whole other rant I’ll get into after I finish some housework and get back from the pharmacy.

I’m starting to record my pulse and body temperature three times a day to chart all this for an endocrinologist. I only took the data twice today, but I should be doing this every few hours and taking a mean average, per the website I found on this recently and just found again tonight.

Upon waking (~10:30am)
Pulse: 67
Temperature: 97.9

Roughly six hours later (6:20pm)
Pulse: 69
Temperature: 98.0

Once I have a week’s data, I’ll be better equipped to see an endocrinologist to address the possibility of hypothyroidism, defective pituitary, defective hypothalamus, or what… and how it’s linked to my gallbladder issues, the pancreatitis I had at age 21, my allergies, and the Endometriosis.

Today I swam!

Here’s some of the exercises I did:

And I treaded water and did butterfly type exercises in the water with my arms, too.

Went into the sauna afterwards. Got home, got a call from a friend in need who’s car needed a jump.

On the way there, some fellow freaks in need also had car trouble, so I lent my cell phone. Got back from helping my friend, and saw that AAA had arrived for the other people in need.

Today I r superhero!

As of now…

Shooting pains low in the uterus and through the anus.

OW.

I had chocolate today. I wonder if that’s what did it. :(

I’ve been posting the workout summaries in my LiveJournal to get immediate feedback from friends, but I’ll start posting summaries here, too.

Today:

elliptical - 10 minutes

situps on a situp contraption - hah, only 5 of them before my neck protested BADLY.

recumbent bike - 7 minutes

arm rowing thingy - 10 minutes

“gazelle” type elliptical - 3-4 minutes.

I wanted to try out the “gazelle” type elliptical cuz it looked different from the other elliptical. It has less of a pedaling or climbing motion and more of a cross-country skiing motion to it, which strangely hurt my knees even more. Here’s a picture of it. I found and wore my knee braces today, and it helped IMMENSELY on the elliptical.

My sides are sore from today’s workout - I felt it during the arm rowing thingy, which is supposed to help build up the torso, anyway.

A friend was telling me about dead lifts as a way to strengthen the neck and back, since I have so much trouble with those areas ever since the car accident. So today I went to talk to a trainer dude about how to properly do dead lifts, and the guy was SLEEPING at his desk. I made him get up and work for his money and show me what to do. I’ll be practicing that stuff at home instead of at the gym for awhile since the trainers there appear to be useless and normally non-existent. I’ve seen so many people jarring their bodies on equipment, and nobody there to stop them or properly guide them.

Tomorrow = swimming! It will be the second time I’ve used the pool there. I can’t even do arm-over-arm strokes, because it hurts my neck and shoulders too much. So upon advice from a friend, I’ll be using the swimming board.

My allergist/immunologist called me back today and we discussed What Next, since my blood tests came back normal for most allergies, and the thyroid panel was normal again. I told my doc I’d been reading up on hypothyroidism, and that I feel I hit every symptom in the book, and yet my thyroid is normal, so could it be I have a pituitary issue?

He thought for a moment and said it’s possible, and told me this goes outside of what he can help me with. He told me to seek out an endocrinologist. Finally, the green light. So that’s my next move. I had to see the immunologist before the endocrinologist to get this go-ahead. Sucks that I knew in advance that this is the avenue I needed to pursue - I feel I’ve wasted precious time and money, but the insurance company doesn’t like it when patients skip ahead. They need a clear trail to follow.

I’m closer to tying all my health issues together: endometriosis, pancreatitis, gallstones, pituitary or thyroid trouble, allergies… and hell I was born with jaundice, so I know my kidneys have never been robust, either. It’s all tied. I’m closer to finding out what to do to bring balance and healing, or at least better quality of life through improved proper diet, exercise and mindset.