A rant

The pain got worse today and I asked to work a half a day.

I’ve had symptoms for two weeks leading up to today and was positive that I was going to be early. Nope! Not early. As a matter of fact, I might be late. However, the pain is kicking my ass as if I’m menstruating. Such is the life of a person who suffers from Endometriosis.

I was literally holding on with dear life to the railing on the stairs as I carried the baby I look after upstairs to her play room, because the pain and weakness had gotten so bad. I was gasping from sharp knifing pains zipping through my ass and across my pelvic region. Every time I gasped, the baby spun her head and just looooked at me. Poor kiddo.

And the irony of that? Just this morning I had a burst of “Hey! I’m okay! I feel great!” and took the baby for a stroller ride around the block.

“Around the block” in this neighborhood means steep hills.

Well, on the downhill back towards her house, my legs went weak. That’s always the first sign for me that the pain is going to be bad, and soon.

I took it VERY slow.

On the next uphill as the last leg of the journey back to her house, I was okay on and off. Got her back into the house and that’s when the arse pain started. When the baby woke from her nap, I wanted to cry, because I knew picking her up was gonna kill me.

Babies are good at sensing when something is wrong, too. She gave me a worried look and I had to force a smile and reassure her so she’d not start crying. Poor babies are so empathic that way.

And upstairs we went with me holding on with dear life to the railing as I said earlier.

Thankfully, I did get my half day – her daddy came home early to relieve me. Now I dig in for a very long couple or few days of worsening pain and staring at the walls high on drugs (and not even the good kind). You’d think with this downtime, I could get some shit accomplished. Oh hell no. I can’t focus for anything. Tylenol 3 makes me drooly and out of focus.

Speaking of out of focus, that’s what the world looks like when I’m in pain from the Endometriosis.

Everyday people see this:
endovision1.jpg

I see this:
endovision_.jpg

Like another friend in pain right now, I’m totally caving in to cravings, which will ultimately make the pain worse. That’s one of the biggest challenges we face – and for me anyway, I get to a point where I think,

“screw dietary restriction! I’m gonna die someday anyway, who knows when! Might as well live for the now!

Seriously!

Why not enjoy all I can instead of trying to get a handle on a monster nobody knows how to cure. All I can go on is recommendations by doctors, health practitioners, other people with Endometriosis – screw ’em! They don’t have a cure and the dietary restrictions are too much for my willpower. Do you REALLY think if we all paid attention to diet alone, we’d be relieved of all the symptoms? If this is true, then why are there still 98734586436745 Endometriosis forums packed with women out there, still in pain?

I don’t want to meticulously monitor after my diet until all I’m left with is rice porridge because everything else sets off the Endo, or worse, until my body goes ahead and gets cancer anyway like it’s predisposed to with this illness.”

So it’s hard for me to focus when I get in a funk like that. Say like, right now…

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