Pity Party
I’m home alone on a Saturday night because I’m still too ill to do anything besides sit in bed on pain medication. The Endometriosis pain started on Tuesday so should have abated by now. Alas. I could think of a million reasons why I brought this upon myself. I could blame the lovely hot bath I had last night. I could blame the food I ate today or yesterday or for the past month. I could blame being too active too quickly when I should have continued taking it easy.
I go through this mindset every single fecking month for the past 23 years. When really the deal is that I am ill. I have an incurable illness which behaves as erratically as it grows inside my body. The Endometriosis is cancer-like - it grows out of control - how am I to expect that with out of control growth that the pain would somehow not be out of control or on a whim?
This means I am not in control. I am at the mercy of this illness. I am a prisoner in my own body.
And then the guilt. Every single month for years now - I feel guilty for whining when I know full well that many women NEVER get out of bed because of this illness. At least I get roughly 16 - 23 days each month to be free, to feel energetic, to rebuild my strength, to get shit done in life, and to have fun before my body shuts down again and shudders in severe pain.
What a way to live. Back and forth like this - pity party and guilt tripping in the same breath.
I got a wheelchair on freecycle.org so that when events are happening and I’m ill, I can still go out - if I have a buddy to help me out. But tonight, although I was hoping to be out somewhere having fun on a Saturday night, all I want to do is lament.
I’m sure having been on Tylenol 3 and muscle relaxers for the past week hasn’t helped with my mood AT ALL. They are known depressants.
*sigh*