Worrying
I’ve been thinking about the visit to the GYN on Friday. I’ve been researching stuff on the web, and it’s not helping with my anxiety.
On Friday, my GYN told me I have a 4cm ovarian cyst on the left side, exactly where I told her a lot of the pain was coming from. I’m the one who pushed for the vaginal ultrasound, which led to the confirmation of said cyst.
My GYN told me I have a thick endometrial lining, which meant more clots were on the way. However, I never passed further large clots. The bleeding went away on Sunday. The low back pain continued through Sunday night.
My GYN told me she was worried about torsion and told me that torsion is when the ovary twists in such a manner that the blood supply gets cut off and the ovary then dies and decomposes, leaving the patient in severe pain until the rotting tissue is surgically removed.
So between my GYN and the Internet, since Friday, I’ve experienced fleeting panic.
The Internet tells me that a thickened endometrial lining can mean fibroids, endometrial hyperplasia, adenomyosis, or endometrial cancer. The first several websites I clicked into were enough to send my heart racing, especially the one about endometrial cancer, because I looked at the risk factors, and a few stuck out for me:
- high levels of estrogen
- nulliparity (never having carried a pregnancy)
- late menopause (I started late, at age 14, so I wonder if menopause will also be later than ‘normal’)
- high intake of animal fat (how much is too much? I grew up in the midwest - I ate a lot of meat growing up, especially red meat)
The Internet tells me that ovarian cysts can be caused by a number of things, but these stuck out for me:
- History of previous ovarian cysts (I had a tiny 11mm [1cm] ovarian cyst on the right ovary in July, 2005, which reabsorbed after a few months)
- Irregular menstrual cycles (this month and last month)
- Hypothyroidism or hormonal imbalance (I’ve requested a thyroid panel run nearly every year since at least 2001 and it always comes back normal, despite the fact that I think there is something wrong. I am going to have to push for an in-depth test).
And can I just say, the whole nulliparity issue really has me pissed off at the universe. I even cried while I was at my Chi Nei Tsang appointment on Saturday, saying I feel like I am being punished by nature for my personal choice not to have children. I’ve felt this before. I’ve experienced frustration with this before. But it’s come up anew, and makes me outright angry, because to me, it means that once again, I am not in control of my own body. My body is run ultimately at a basal, instinctual, primal level. That is, no matter how much I’d like to think my thoughts and emotions are in control of my body and my existence, they’re not.
That is, my whole purpose as a female bipedal hominid is to reproduce, or else my body self destructs.
Or Else.
That’s enough to make me want to give up, right there. Why bother fighting? I fought this long and now I’m in self-destruct mode because I rebelled. Great. And what if things turn out alright? Do I give in to the basal, instinctual, primal level at which my body is operating, and start breeding? And then what are the risks to this bipedal hominid’s offspring, since the one bearing them is past age 35 and well into the danger zone for birth defects ranging from the mental to the physical in her offspring? Does this SAVE my body from self destructing? Does it reverse any damage or stop it in its tracks? And then what do I do with the offspring, especially if they are damaged? I don’t want children. Would I be the kind of person who would risk bearing a child in an effort to try to save myself?
Yes, yes I would, but only if I had a guarantee that my health would improve, and that I could place the child out for adoption, especially if it had birth defects.
But a guarantee of better health is not possible. But yes, I am initially that kind of person. And I’m okay with that. I don’t care what others want to say about the topic. Well unless it’s my husband - he totally gets a say in it.
Getting back on topic again, leaving the free form thought behind for a moment, I return to the Internet and found a doctor’s post on medhelp.org, wherein he writes, “The proper work up for irregular bleeding in a woman over 35 would include ruling out pregnancy, checking for an endocrine abnormality (e.g., thyroid hormone changes), assessing for structural lesions within the uterus (like endometrial polyps/fibroids usually by office hysteroscopy — i.e., looking inside the uterus with a small camera–or sonohysterogram–instilling saline into the uterus while simultaneously having a ultrasound), considering anovulation (not ovulating monthly reflective of perimenopause) and performing an endometrial biopsy to look for abnormal tissue inside the uterus (e.g. endometrial hyperplasia or cancer). With those results proper treatment can be instituted.” - Keith Downing, MD.
So again with the cancer risk, coming from a doctor.
And then, to make me feel a little bit better, the Internet also tells me that Approximately 60% of torsion occurs on the right side. So in the short term, I don’t have to worry about severe pain and necrosis, because torsion isn’t the likely issue in my case.
However, long term (meaning the next six weeks and beyond) continues to remain quite scary and anxious for me as I continue to work with my GYN to figure out what’s going on.
Lastly, just a minor note to remind myself that this post took two days to write because I’m that busy with work, commuting and errands to even remember to breathe.