I Will Not Suffer In Silence

Today went much better than the weekend went. I am so thoroughly afraid to try the medical marijuana again. I stayed on Tylenol 3 today. I took a total of three full pills.

I knew when my body was in pain, because the top of my skin would twitch, or my whole body would jump. Then it would take up to three full seconds for my brain to register that the twitch meant huge stabby pain was happening.
But by the time it got to my drug addled brain, all my brain had as a message to give to me was a faint recording of a scream, if that makes sense.

Had I not been on Tylenol 3, I’d have screamed in pain the moment it hit. Tylenol 3 is a good enough dissociative that it severs the pain signal.

Sometimes instead of my body jumping or twitching, I do feel the pain, but it’s so muted that I ride right through it.

And the whole time I was drug addled on Tylenol 3 today (as I continue to be, now), I was still able to read several chapters in a book, to converse on Yahoo chat, answer email and read through social networking sites.

This is not the case with the medical marijuana - with that stuff, I am in a disturbed and agitated state of near hallucinatory levels, and I feel the pain and can relay directly what the pain feels like, but I am too high to do anything about it. I must remind you that this seriously high state was achieved on Saturday by roughly ONE teaspoon of medicated butter, and on Sunday by ONE tablespoon of medicated peppermint mocha mix.

While on the medical cannabis, I could not take pain medication because that would adversely affect me, since I was already (in my opinion dangerously) high on the marijuana. And so I went mad from the gnawing pain and yet I was in a drooling stupor, then pacing the house, then drooling again.

My neighbor told me today that I likely got the wrong blend - that what I have is sativa, and what I need is indica.
I was told to ask for indica by another friend before my first visit to the dispensary. I just forgot is all.
Obviously I have to give it another try (because I always have to prove something to people - to the naysayers - that I really am trying everything my body can handle to treat the pain).

But until I return to the dispensary, it’s Tylenol 3 for me.

I called in sick today because I am still bleeding like a stuck pig, and I knew the pain would return.

As seen on Yahoo chat:

My Husband: 10:25 AM how’re you? *smooooch*
Me: 10:26 AM tired if you can believe it
Me: 10:26 AM pain is about a 2 on the scale
Me: 10:26 AM will be taking meds after i eat

Ten minutes later…

Me: 10:36 AM zenaide forgave me*
Me: 10:36 AM she’s wriggled into my lap
Me: 10:36 AM of course, just as the cramps are ratcheting up
Me: 10:36 AM *carries cat to bathroom to pop pills*

(*I had pushed my cat away from me around 10:20am, as she had tried to crawl onto the keyboard of the laptop. She was furious with me, glared at me and went to the living room and overturned something from a bookshelf, which left a gouge in the pergo flooring).

Seventeen minutes later…

Me: 10:53 AM pain ramped up
Me: 10:53 AM what was i, a 2?
My Husband: 10:53 AM aye
Me: 10:53 AM now i’m a 7.5
Me: 10:53 AM i took an entire tylenol 3 right after eating

I went on about how I should have just taken the meds as soon as I woke up. My husband just last night was telling me not to leave any gaps in the medicating, because pain has leaked through, before. I felt like I left a huge gap this morning, and was beating myself up over it.
My husband said, “but you had to eat in order to take the meds….so it’s not like you were stalling.”
He’s right, of course. I’d gone all night without meds and woke up with an empty stomach - I had to eat. I should have eaten earlier than I did. I woke up around 9am but didn’t eat til after 10am.

This morning I have tried pressure points but my legs are bruised from putting pressure on the points all weekend already. I also tried doing the large hip circle belly dance move, but it hurt like hell, as though I pulled muscles while exercising. I did a lot of hip circles and stretching Saturday night, perhaps I pulled something, or perhaps I’m just so inflamed right now in that region from the endometriosis pain, that any stretching or hip circles are going to naturally make the pain that much worse.
I tried pacing the house. That never works. I tried my breathing exercises; sometimes I swear the more I breathe, the worse the pain spreads.

Now all I can do is wait for the Tylenol 3 to kick in, and take more if necessary.

No alternative medication for me, today. No hippie dippy drug trips. Give me pain killers and lots of ‘em.

My gods, the anal pain just started up again.

WHY.