I don’t know how much more I can take.

My period came yesterday and I’ve been home and bedridden ever since. On top of it, last night my neck/shoulder went out because I slept wrong. I wanted my husband to stay home with me today but he wouldn’t. I hitched a ride to the doctor via my neighbor and got some muscle relaxers. I took a whole Tylenol 3 and shuffled home because I did not have exact change for the bus and can never remember how much it is, anyway. It is a 0.4 mile walk, but a bit harrowing when in pelvic pain and trapped nerve pain in the neck/shoulder.

The thing I’ve been saying to my husband since last night is that I just want to be put out of my misery. I told him repeatedly that I need a caregiver, but he needs an equal partner. I told him for that reason, the marriage probably isn’t working out in his favour. He insists he wants to keep me around, but I don’t see the point. I don’t want to be disabled. I don’t want to be needy. My body is broken and has other plans for me.
He won’t take me out back and put me down, though. I told him he’s selfish for that.

Then again, I’m selfish for wanting him to do the deed. But I won’t do it, myself. I told him it’s a really good thing I’m seeing a psychiatrist, today, because between the trapped nerve in the neck and the ongoing/worsening endometriosis pain alone, I NEED the psychiatric help right now.

My psychologist has ideas about what my diagnosis is, but I’m going to wait til the psychiatrist has also evaluated me before I start educating myself on how to care for myself with yet another diagnosis.

And a large part of me wonders why I keep seeing specialists for all these problems. It does nothing but take my money and insurance, and makes me miss more work because of the appointments, and none of this has actually HELPED or CURED me, anyway. I should just go on like all the other broken people in the world, until I decide like a lot of them that I’m DONE and just hit the reset button on my own, in peace.

One Response to “I don’t know how much more I can take.”

  1. Jenny

    He won’t take me out back and put me down, though. I told him he’s selfish for that.

    This makes me think of Johnny and I…. we “joke” (I think it’s usually only about half joking when either of us bring it up) about taking each other out back and finishing it.

    ((hugs))