Special reminder to myself – DO NOT TAKE PLAN B

My husband and I had a lovely wedding anniversary weekend.

As seems to be typical of us on anniversary celebrations, we were not as careful as we should have been during intimacy. And well I’m just super paranoid in general about getting pregnant.

Since yesterday, I’ve wrestled with whether or not I should take Plan B. I knew that I had a warning in my journal about Plan B, so I just read through it:

Me and synthetic hormones don’t mix.

The very latest I can take Plan B would be Wednesday night. But my period is due five days later.

If I take the Plan B, my period might come early, which will seriously throw a monkey wrench in the surgery date, because they won’t operate on me if I’m on my period or within 48 hours of it.

After taking Plan B, my next period could be up to 3 days late, as happened back in 2009. This might counter the previous period being early, but I don’t wanna mess with it.

And let’s not forget the crazy – I just stabilised emotionally after having tried CBD for pain management back on July 26th.
I don’t want to go back into severe depression and suicidal ideation all over again from taking Plan B.

So now I get to spend the next week in anxiety mode over whether or not I might be pregnant, but it’s better than a month or more of emotional whack…but then if I AM pregnant, it will be much worse, emotionally, on me.

AAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH.

It’s one of those rare times where I’m actually looking forward to getting my period.

*sigh*

Crawling back from the Underworld

Yesterday I was excited to say, “I’m mobile!”
My husband and I made bacon and pancakes for brekkie. He had leaded coffee, I had unleaded. Then we met up with a couple friends to go over clothing details for a wedding party we’ll be in next month.

I had intermittent moderate pain yesterday, from the moment I went to step out the door at 2pm, because the bleeding had restarted after having gone away overnight. But I went and hung out, anyway. I took 400 or 600mg Advil gelcaps as I went out the door.

While we were going through our wardrobe ideas for the wedding, more pain hit and I took a half a Tylenol 3. I can’t remember if I took 600mg more of Advil or not. :/

I had no further bleeding – just pelvic pain.

As I was shopping with friends, I took 1/2 Tylenol 3 around 6pm – I thought for sure, this time, the last gasp was starting. But no, it was still only low back pain & some pelvic / bladder pain.

Around 7pm, I ate 1/2 cup of 7 veggie soup. I was hungry but didn’t have an appetite.

Around 9:30pm the nausea set in, as did a full on stomachache, with, once again, the feeling that the last gasp would start.

I drank 3/4 cup ginger tea and ate a plain gluten-free waffle with no butter or anything on it. It didn’t help, so I took some Maalox and went to bed.

I woke with uneasiness this morning, and the stomachache is back, along with low-grade nausea.

Today will be the first day back to work (I missed Thurs and Fri). Hopefully the pain is gone til next time. Hopefully this stomach crap abates soon.

Least functional day today

This morning I awoke in searing pain around 7am and took one Tylenol 3. I think I also took some Advil, but I cannot remember how much.

I was bedridden til 3:30pm, when I got so fed up with being in bed that I got up, put some clothes on, and put together a quick purse to go outside. I had no idea if I was going to go for a walk around the block, or if I’d just be able to make it to the backyard. I cannot remember what meds I took between this morning and this afternoon.

Being outside gave me the sudden realisation that I’d not eaten well again today, and that I was actually starving. I spent about an hour outside, then came back in and made some leftover Thai.

Again, I cannot remember if I took medication with the meal or not. I do know that the pelvic pain and bleeding subsided by mid-afternoon. I do know that the pinched nerve increased in stinging/stabbing frequency by the time I forced myself out of bed around 3:30pm.

My husband came home from a band meeting and took us to the local grocery outlet, where they have a massage chair set up. I plopped down $15 for a 10 minute massage, telling the lady exactly what the points were that needed to be hit. She got everything nicely, and left me free of pain. It was quite nice…until I was back sitting inside the car on the way home, and then the pain all came back again. Meh.

When I got home, I was so exhausted from the walk outside, and from the trip to the grocery, that I needed to rest on the couch for a bit. Of course, this set off more trapped nerve pain in the shoulder again. So I got up, and suddenly I had a burst of energy. So I cleaned up some of the crap behind the couch and organised and put some minor stuff away.

And that’s all it took for the bleeding to start up again. And with it, the nausea set back in. I remembered last night, when I woke during the night and came this close to actually vomiting – the continual drooling and nausea was intense. I’ve no idea what set it off. So I was remembering that and trying not to focus on it so I wouldn’t actually puke from the ramping up pain and nausea setting back in…This was just after 8pm, and by 8:20pm I took one Tylenol 3 and 400mg Advil gelcaps with dinner, which consisted of chicken pizza (the usual gluten-free recipe). The reason I took the meds was because a trickle of blood started up, and a low-level gnawing in the uterus began. My few hours’ reprieve of pelvic pain was over, and time for the new round of cylon attacks to begin. Speaking of cylons, I never did get to watch Season three last night. I was overcome with fatigue and just went to bed.

But during dinner tonight, I started in on Season three.

I took a Lorazepam at 8:57pm and immediately got a shooting pain up to the top of my right side of my brain. I have suspected for over a week now that the Lorazepam is what is behind the increase in headaches, as well as the increase in TMJ pain. Headache is listed as a possible CNS side effect for Lorazepam.

So right now I’m on a muscle relaxer, a Tylenol 3 and 1mg anti-anxiety medication. Whatever’s been trying to pass through my cervix for the last hour … actually there was a spurt, I think it’s finally birthing. brb…
false alarm. Still just ramping up the bleeding. Ugh.

I hate this.

Stupid retroverted uterus.

Stupid endometriosis.

Stupid genetic fail.

Stupid body.

Eight, eight, I forget what eight was for…

Once again, I’ve lost track of how many pills I’ve taken in a day, and I forgot to keep a notepad handy either on the laptop or in paper format.

So let’s count backwards and look at the last blog entry, shall we?

1mg Lorazepam at 10pm as the nerves ramped up again (centered around homework).
One Tylenol 3 and 400mg Advil gelcaps with dinner, sometime around 8:30pm (dinner consisted of glass noodles w/ pad thai sauce, sautéed mushrooms, broccoli, and chicken, and a thai veggie ‘egg roll’. I had hot blueberry juice to drink).
Two clove capsules before dinner (it is supposed to help liver and/or kidney detox, I’m told).
1mg Lorazepam sometime between 3pm and 5pm, as the nerves ramped up (centered around homework).
One Tylenol 3 and 600mg Advil gelcaps after lunch, along with Vitamin C and Niacin (sometime around 1pm).
One Soma at around 10am.
One Tylenol 3 at around 8am.

Okay, so I’ve had 2 Lorazepam today (within the normal range for me – my highest has been 3.5mg in a day).

I’ve taken three Tylenol 3 pills today, which is about right, considering the level of pain I’ve been in. I will take the stuff from waking in the morning til turning in at night on days like this. I did let the time between doses lapse too long, and the sharp pains returned each time. Hopefully this is the last Tylenol 3 for the night, though. I don’t normally take any meds throughout the night.

I’ve ingested 5 Advil gelcaps (1,000mg) today, which is within the ‘normal’ range for me. I prolly would’ve taken 1,200 by now, normally.

I’ve had only one Soma pill today, and I might take one when I turn in for the night, just to ensure the trapped nerve doesn’t flare again while sleeping, and well, it works lovely with the Tylenol 3 to dissociate me from the pain.

Eight painkillers, One muscle relaxer, and Two anti-anxiety pills. Total = 11 pills, not counting vitamins and supplements.

All in all, maybe enough meds to kill a horse or the average human, but this is my ‘normal’ regimen.
I should prolly take some Omega 3s in the form of Evening Primrose Oil, and take my calcium. I’ll do that before bed.

Now let’s see if I can chip away at a bit more homework. My husband went out to the club without me tonight, so I can get some work done without being distracted by wanting to be near my honey.

For my reward, I will begin Season Three of Battlestar Gallactica after I get some homework done, since my husband prolly won’t be home til after the bar closes.

Bad pain day

The pain is sharp, continuous and grating. It has been four hours since I took Tylenol 3, and two hours since I took Soma, and yet the pain relief was only about an hour.

alliebroshpainface8

 
I woke around 7:30am after having nightmares all night (likely medication-induced). I woke with heavy flow, and ate some yoghurt so I could take my first Tylenol 3 of the day. I intended to go back to bed, but then could not fall back to sleep because of the pain.

I sat in the hard chair for awhile, until I became tired again, and then I set up camp in bed with the heating pads, laptop and phone. I needed the heating pads super hot, and I did something I’ve never done – I put the electric heating pad on the hottest setting. The sharp pain just wasn’t being touched, it seemed. How terrible.

It wasn’t until I took the Soma two hours into the Tylenol 3 that I got any pain relief. I passed out and enjoyed peaceful, pain-free sleep in a reclined position with my heating pads all over me. But as I said, it only lasted an hour, when I was awakened by the need to empty the bladder and uterus. The flow is really heavy, today.

Because of my tipped (retroverted) uterus, when I am laying down, the blood does not flow down in normal fashion to the vagina and on out of my body. Instead, it pools at the back of the tipped uterus, until I wake with pain or a full feeling. The moment I try to get out of bed, I get the gushing forth of all the pooled blood. Sometimes I’m able to make it to the toilet in time. Other times, the blood squirts with such force that it goes through everything and makes me feel like I’m in my own personal horror flick.

retroverted-uterus-laying-down

 

So I woke from my drug-induced nap with a fullness, immediate pain, and the urge to urinate. The pain did not get better upon emptying the uterus and bladder.

I *did* find some relief by sitting in the damned hard wooden kitchen chair. But after eating a meal (another gluten-free pizza like the one last night, only with chicken instead of ham), I took a new round of drugs – one Tylenol 3 and 600mg Advil gelcaps. I also took a Vitamin C and a Niacin.

It took an hour and a half all told to do the following:

  • Make and eat my meal
  • Write this journal entry
  • Create the image above for this journal entry (that of course took the most time)

 

And now the drugs have made me sleepy again. My husband has suggested I sleep on my stomach, to let gravity pull the menstrual fluid down and out, instead of having it pool up like that. But laying on my stomach aggravates the bulging disks in my neck. :(

Good times. Good times.

No appetite

As is typical when I am suffering from endometriosis pain, I either do not want to eat, or I want only to eat cereals and grains.

On Tuesday, I had moderate nausea for much of the afternoon and into the evening. The nausea came and went on Wednesday. Even when I’m not experiencing nausea, I don’t really want to eat much when I’m experiencing pelvic pain. It doesn’t matter the level of pain.

This morning I had one bowl of “EnviroKidz” Peanut Butter Panda Puffs sweetened corn cereal, with some goat milk. I haven’t had goat milk to drink in awhile – I began craving it this week. I also ate a Trader Joe’s gluten free waffle with Earth Balance “butter” and some sunflower seed butter.

The pain started as I was getting ready for work, so I called in sick. One of my head teachers phoned me as I was texting her – she figured today would be the day I’d be out. She’s pretty on top of things.

I don’t think I ate again for awhile. I know that around 8:30am, I curled up in bed with the electric heating pad on my back. My husband put my two (unheated) rice pads on top of the electric pad to add desired pressure. I konked out and didn’t wake up until 9:45am.

I spent the day in a super tired pain haze, sitting in a wooden chair in the kitchen. The less I moved, the better. Ever since discovering back in July that the pain is lessened by sitting in this damned chair, I’ve made a point to keep the kitchen table clear so that I can use the laptop and also keep doing homework even when in pain.

I do not think it has a lot to do with my posture in the chair – I often find myself slouching in the chair. What I think is happening is that the nerves in my butt and in my legs get compressed when I sit on the chair, and this acts like crimping a hose, and therefore dulls the pain.
I dunno. Maybe my posture is being forced more upright. All I know is, sitting in a hard wooden chair for the past four cycles/months seems to lessen the pain somewhat.

Sometime around 11am today is when the bleeding ramped up from dark brown spotting to dark red flow. It’s been dark red all day. It has been thick, sticky, and slow to come out. I’ve only gone through two light fabric pads today.

I got into my usual refusal of meds funk again today. I finally relented and took 600mg Advil gelcaps sometime around 1 or 2pm.

While trying to get some homework done around 7:30pm, the pain became sharp and continuous, so I put my homework away. This sucks. I got exactly two drawings done for the fifth and last Language Arts binder tonight. I still have 23 more drawings to go. I’m still only half-way through the Math binder illustrations, and I still haven’t even started the Cultural binder. These are all 3 months past due. I spent my day ranting on my endo blog and generally being mentally irritated, and also in moderate pain. I did not want to do homework. I had to force myself to do some.

I also had to force myself to eat.

I ate a bowl of rice cereal (Trader Joe’s version of Rice Krispies) with some Almond milk.
I ate a rice-chocolate candy bar.
I ate a “Yo-baby” banana flavoured yoghurt cup.

I seriously think that’s all I’ve had to eat today, until now.
Right now I’m eating a brown rice tortilla, topped with Trader Joe’s Alfredo sauce, some dill flakes, some basil flakes, some white mushrooms, diced forbidden black forest ham, and shredded goat milk cheddar cheese.
This is the biggest meal I’ve had all day, and I ate it not only because my stomach was finally officially rumbling, but also to be able to take my first Tylenol 3 of the day.

I’ve got 7 Vegetable Soup thawing in the fridge – just took it out of the freezer today. I’ve got some chicken breast tenderloins cooking in the oven to force myself to eat tomorrow.

We’ll see how I’m functioning tomorrow, and whether I can bring myself to eat more than cereal.

Three last things to note:

1) Either it’s seasonal allergies, or 2) I’m getting sick, but there’s a lot of sneezing and thick phlegm going on today. There’s been a lot of phlegm in general for the past week or so. Being a preschool teacher will guarantee that one gets a virus or two or three on a pretty regular basis.

3) My ‘trapped nerve’ in the neck/left shoulder keeps acting up, then settling down, then acting up again, but I’ve refused to continue taking the remaining muscle relaxers. I think there’s 4 left. I’ll take them with Tylenol 3 if the endometriosis pain gets really bad.

Right now, the pain is radiating down the top of my leg nerves, to my knees. So I’m gonna call it a night and layer myself with all manner of heating pads in bed.

Mental state, part 2

I still have not begun taking the Lamictal. Still too afraid of experiencing the possible side effects.

I had an appointment this past Monday with my psychologist. This is the same psychologist who, by either the first or second visit with her, decided that I have Bipolar disorder and need to be medicated ASAP.

By the fourth visit, I asked why she kept pushing for me to take meds, when she is a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. She claims she went into the wrong field and SHOULD be in psychiatry, as she knows enough about meds.

Uh-huh. I see.

Anyway, I saw the psychologist this past Monday, as I said. On this particular day, I had awakened to a 99.8°F temperature, but still went in to work. I experienced low uterine pain and low back pain for much of the day, and generally was highly emotional all day. By the time I got to my shrink appointment, it’s what we ended up talking about was the fact that I was PMSing and in a bit of pain.

The psychologist – I haven’t mentioned this before – but there are two things I really, really dislike about her. One, she flutters her eyelids and often goes on for entire paragraphs worth of talk with her eyes closed and/or fluttering. Two, she rambles and doesn’t let me get a word in edge-wise, often talking about something meaningless to my situation, or trying to relate something to my situation that doesn’t relate at all. I finally have to say STOP! loudly to get her attention, so that I can TELL her that what she is saying holds no meaning for me whatsoever.
The last example of the meaningless is when she told me for the third time that she knows for a FACT that *I* will not experience side effects on Lamictal, because she has first-hand experience, seeing her daughter on Lamictal, and she was FINE.

Okay, number one, it’s SECOND-HAND EXPERIENCE, because it’s your daughter, not you. And number two, your daughter does not have endometriosis. She has a seizure disorder. So you cannot tell me for a FACT that *I* will not experience any bad side effects.

She of course wrote me off when I boldly spoke up.

So there we were, talking about my PMS and cramping and my ongoing major depression, when she mentioned that I try to get on disability. I told her I tried that already and was rejected by both federal and state.
This woman sat there and tried to convince me to play the state and federal governments! She told me to miss more work so that I *can* qualify for disability! I told her flat out that I will NOT play sick JUST to get disability pay, because in playing sick, I commit to routine check-ups and drive-bys from the state and federal government, who will make sure that I am in fact, truly disabled.
When they photograph me at the grocery store with a basket on one arm, or photograph me driving in my car, or photograph me going to the gym or whatever – I will lose my benefits. Then what? I have a stain on my record as someone who was a fraud. I may be fined or worse. Then I have to try to get a job again.

The disability insurance people do ‘spy’ and take photos – it is part of their job. I worked for an insurance company which provided disability benefits to auto workers. I had to be the one to make the pay cut-off phone calls after people were caught on film doing things they said they could not do. It’s just part of the job in that industry.

So I told the psychologist that going down that road meant playing sick ALL THE TIME, and I will not do that. I told her I have my precious 7-14 days each month where I am active and can get shit done, and I’m not going to give that up just to collect some disability pay.
She kept making a point to stress how much pain and suffering I’m in, and how SHE doesn’t like to see me in so much pain, and wouldn’t it just HELP if I went on disability?

I told her NO, it WOULDN’T help. I told her about the joy I get from the children at work. I told her about how much I love to be able to get on my bike to go to work or run errands. I told her I like roller skating and going dancing – when I am able to do these things, I DO them. I told her that if she takes these things away, I WILL go ahead and kill myself.

When I left the psychology appointment, I was MAD. I went home, changed into my workout clothes, and went to the gym for an hour, despite the low-grade temperature and the uterine pain and low back pain.
Then I walked a half mile to Walgreens and back again to pick up my refill of Lorazepam. I popped two on the walk back home. When I got home, my husband was home from work. I collapsed on the couch in tears, and told him about the visit to the shrink and how I’d rebelled by all the exercise I did. I said the exercise made me feel better, but overall I was more depressed because of the psychologist.

My husband was hopping mad at this woman, of course. He held me and sided with my every reason for not wanting to go on disability. I love my husband.

I stewed over the shrink all of Tuesday, and then on Wednesday (yesterday), I was feeling outright rage. I called on my lunch break and left a message for her.
She called me back and left two voicemails. I could not answer the phone because I was in a meeting with my school director, who wants to place me at the other school location. I’ll go more into detail about that later on, if the move happens.

When I finally had time to listen to the voicemails, the psychologist sounded shaky and emotional, and repeated herself no less than four times about how she never meant for me to go on permanent disability – she was only referring to my post-op, and going on temporary disability.

I called her back or she called me back last night, and I told her in so many words she was full of shit. I brought up my pet peeves with her, and rehashed how the convo in session had gone. She apologised again, and said she’d had an excruciating headache for two days, and should not have come to work that day. I rolled my eyes. Excuses, excuses.
At the end of the phone call, we agreed to meet again next week to give it another chance. But actually, a day after my phone conversation with her, I’m still feeling really pissed off.

These psychologists – they’re more mentally ill than I am! I swear! I’ve not had one yet who I can endorse!!!

I’ve made up my mind. The psychologist is fired.

This leads me to the psychiatrist. I saw her a total of three times; once in January, once in February, and once in September. In-between that time, she was on maternity leave, and then I’d forgotten to reschedule with her. So the third visit counts as #1 all over again. A do-over as it were, since much had changed since February. On that first re-visit, she reviewed my history, and got caught up with my new history, including the cannabidiol incident (documented here and here). The psychiatrist told me there are several documented cases, including some of her own patients, who experienced depersonalisation and bi-polar-like symptoms after using marijuana or any form of cannabis. She assured me I am not crazy or alone in this.

And yet she wanted to prescribe Abilify, which is an anti-psychotic, often prescribed to schizophrenics and people with Bipolar I.

I asked her if she feels I am Bipolar. She said she’s not sure, based upon the fact that cannabis was involved. So I asked why she wanted me on Abilify. She said I should be on some kind of antipsychotic or mood stabiliser to get back to a baseline.

Up til this point, I had told myself I needed mood stabilisers. Now that the psychiatrist, on the first visit, wanted to give me antipsychotic medication, I began to get The Fear.

I told her I’d research the side effects and get back to her.

I called her a few days later and said no to Abilify and asked what else she could recommend.
Lamictal, the same thing my psychologist had suggested, was mentioned. So I said yes, and the prescription was filled.

I went so far as to cut all the pills in half as instructed.

But I haven’t taken one pill, yet.

I have The Fear.

It’s the fear of exactly what happened to me on Yasmin happening all over again (read more about that descent here).

I just don’t want to take another chance. I am convinced that the major depression and bipolar like tendencies I’ve had since the end of July are *because* of a medication (cannabidiol), and therefore I am convinced that taking *more* psychotropic medication is NOT the answer.

Let me work through this. Specifically, let me be active and work out the anxiety and the inner and outer restlessness.

I have been to the gym only 9 times this year. I have bicycled to and from work 17 times this year.

Ten of those 17 times have been within the current school year (which began August 31, 2010).

It is my personal expert medical opinion that I need to up the gym time. I need to become an exercise fanatic. THAT will manage my mental imbalance.

Give me some time to see this through.

If it doesn’t solve the issue, I’ll stare at the bottle of Lamictal again.