I Will Not Suffer In Silence

Every month, right before george, I get the sudden urge to exercise, to watch my diet while simultaneously bingeing on junk food and caffeinated drinks.

This month’s sudden urge manifested in the area of wanting to get back into relaxation breathing (which I still haven’t done, despite owning a book and still borrowing a friend’s tapes), and also manifested in wanting to know about how drinking affects my uterus and ovaries immediately. This is because after I had my two binges this month, I had ovarian and uterine pain for up to three days following. I’m very worried that this month’s cycle is going to be very painful as a result. I’m also worried that my cycle will be disrupted (early or late).

I had only one glass of red table wine last night before bed, and it calmed me down immensely, but the sulfites made my face so red that I looked sunburned. Today I am dragging and I feel that feeling where george could be here any second, and I have to keep checking. Ugh.

I really really think I have to permanently cut alcohol out of my diet. I’ve said this repeatedly over the years, only to keep going back to the booze, especially in social situations. Blah. What do I do at our wedding? I want to be at ease. Maybe I’ll just take .5mg valium to chill out. Blah. Wish I could say I’m strong and don’t need anything for nerves or anxiety. I know I’m not strong and won’t be for some time.

Two days after the Independence Day celebrations, on July 6th, a friend of ours was a guest DJ at the island’s famous tiki bar. She encouraged people to dress up in their beach party best. Because it’s a tiki bar, and because my friend is also a retro chick, I opted for a kitschy 50’s bathing beauty look, complete with leopard print mini skirt.
I love to get into costume, but this challenged my insecurities quite a bit. I had bare legs and bare arms and shoulders for the most part. I NEVER do that. I decided I’d try my hand at being comfortable with my body, and well it failed because when I got to the tiki bar, I was so extremely self-conscious, add to that my social anxiety, that I jumped right in and ordered a zombie - their most powerful drink. I did this with the mindset that it would loosen me up and I wouldn’t need another drink after that.
Big mistake. I had three or four drinks that afternoon, and was so trashed that a friend had to drive me home. So embarrassing. SO embarrassing.
Part of the reason I got so trashed was because my man was not there to stop me. Usually he assumes a parental role with me to curb my drinking. We agreed on this after I got so trashed at an event back in 2005 that he almost ended the relationship because I was that out of control.

On Monday July 7th, I did laundry but mostly slacked off all day, recovering from the horrible horrible hangover. I sent out a plea to my friends to help keep me in check where bars are concerned. Only one friend said she’d step up to this really responsible role for me. I’m very grateful for her. The problem is, she’s rarely at the clubs or bars that I normally go to. But I know I can count on her if she is out with me and my man is not there to provide the parental role.

I worked Tuesday through Thursday this week and was wiped out by the end of Wednesday, heh. I only put in 24-27 hours of work per week now, but it’s labor-intensive and wipes me out. Eventually I’ll get in shape from this work and it won’t leave me so exhausted.

Last night, the band my man is in had their last concert. Their lead singer/owner of the band killed his band name and associated music, and now they’re all working on new material. I’m glad they’ve stayed together but it’s not been without moderate stress on everyone. It’s bold and scary to start off on a whole new project after ten years and an established fan base. There were four bands on the bill last night. I tried ringing up a couple of people to go with me to the bar, so I wouldn’t be on my own and self-destructive again. I did not try hard enough. I should have been on top of this, ensuring a ride with someone days ago. I failed again.
I went to the club alone. I met several people there I know, sure, but for some reason, I was nervous and full of social anxiety all over again. WHY. I don’t know. I don’t know.
I started drinking.
The bartenders there are very generous with their pours.
And yet I had two or three drinks. I got hammered. Again. After having a talk with myself all day about only getting cranberry juice. I rehearsed it in my head - get a drink to make it look like you’re drinking alcohol, so you can join in the party so to speak. But all the while I was rehearsing this, in the back of my head another voice was already at the bar and explaining to someone that she had her cranberry juice and now she’s getting a tall glass of vodka - to go with the cranberry she’d already drank.

That voice - that is my arch nemesis. The one who is literally trying to kill me. The one who seems unstoppable. The one I feel powerless against.

gods help me. At the end of the night, there was no one to drive me home. I drove home drunk. So drunk I had to squint with one eye closed to properly see the road. I have no idea where I parked my car last night.

I do recall taking vitamin B and C before bed, so that’s good because I didn’t wake up with the type of hangover I had only four days ago. Although I am not nauseous, nor do I have a pounding hangover headache, my stomach feels pitted and my kidneys are screaming. Add to that the fact that after heavy drinking, my ovaries and uterus get cranky because the hormones are all whacked out of place from the alcohol poisoning. So now I dread my next period - I’m positive it will be a really bad one thanks to my self-destructive behaviour.

I feel like the next binge really will kill me.
And yet, I know there will be another binge. I’m afraid. So very afraid. I don’t know how to stop myself. I’ve been saying this for years and years and I’ve put myself raw and exposed to people to help me but none of it has worked.

… looking up treatment options on my insurance…

Prior auth required. Hm. Time to make an appointment with my doctor.

I didn’t have pain on Friday morning, though I was still bleeding. So I had really bad pain and bleeding for three days - on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday - this time around. That for me is about right. A five-day cycle overall, with three really bad days.

I did go in to work at the new assignment on Friday. This place is a government-run facility, I’m told. There was order, stability, curriculum, and professional staff. I asked if they’d need me again soon. By lunchtime, they asked me if I really did want to come back, because they saw how well the kids responded to me, and said they liked my work.
Even though I have social phobia with other adults, and even though I felt extremely awkward, I really liked that center so much better than the first one I was assigned to.

By the end of the workday on Friday, I’d had a child plop down in my lap during story time, and another child drew me a card with flowers on it, and yet another child grabbed hold of the back of my shirt and decided to be my shadow during recess. Mad giggling ensued when I turned around and asked who was behind me - she moved with me every time I twisted and turned - obscuring her identity. I figured the only way to get her to let go of my shirt was to climb the monkey bars and go down the slide. It worked - and I “ran” to get away from her again, but she’d catch me every time and we’d have to repeat the scenario. ;) After the second time around, I had upwards of six or seven children playing this game, running after me, giggling like crazy. :)

George went away by Friday evening, and just in time for a cold to settle in. I woke up in the middle of the night with phlegm and a very sore throat. Ugh. I began taking 1,000mg vitamin C and popping the Cold-Eze cough drops again (this cold tried to settle in a week or two ago and I thought I’d fought it off).
I’ve had this sore throat on and off since Friday, and today it turned into a cough. Great. Good thing I have leftover codeine cough syrup from a year or so ago when I was sick. Hopefully I can fend the cold off again.

That’s the risk you take when working with children. Their germs are evil little mutating bastards. I have this saying - “children will kill ya!”

Friday night, my man took me out to dinner at our favourite Thai restaurant, and afterwards, we walked around town a bit.

On Saturday, I attended a friend’s birthday party *and* another friend’s wedding.
Today, we gathered at the bride and groom’s house for brunch, and watched them do the official signing of all the documents. I got to hear funny stories about the groom - I always like to hear families tell such stories. I’m a huge genealogy fan, so hearing anyone’s history, no matter how embarrassing or not, holds a lot of interest for me. I am fond of seeing families together, chatting, hanging out - doing what our family used to do before gramma and grampa moved back to Kentucky and the family fell apart without their parents as a solid rock and anchor nearby.

Bah, but I digress.

It was when we were on our way home from our friends’ house that my cough set in. And now I’m back home again, and I’m depressed all over again. I have our own wedding to continue planning. I feel alone in this planning.

Bleh. I’m so glad I don’t work tomorrow. I’m so glad I insisted on a 32-hour work week. I need tomorrow as a mental health day, and actually, I wonder how much sicker I’ll get with this cold. It’s definitely not helping with my depression. I’ve been depressed since the beginning of June - at least, that’s what my diary says.

I don’t know what else to say. Journaling got a lot off my chest, but I’ve not solved anything and I don’t feel any better emotionally like I usually do through journaling. I don’t know what else I can say or rant about in an attempt to make myself feel better.

Hmmm.

Maybe drinking a lot of alcohol socially over the past two weeks hasn’t helped my depression, either. :p

I know what would make me feel better. Winning the friggin’ lottery would make me feel better. I don’t want to work anymore. I don’t want to worry about rent and bills anymore. I don’t want to stress over wedding finances anymore.

One last thing, just so I have it preserved here - my thumb is doing much better. Ever since yesterday morning, or was it Friday night?… I’ve been constantly applying Curel lotion to my thumb. It’s healing up nicely, and much faster than applying that stupid steroidal ointment I was given from my doctor. I wonder if I’m also allergic to that. Wouldn’t surprise me. My ma is allergic to cortisone, and only found out when she had it injected for back pain. She can’t even have it topically - it makes her rash out and also look like some kind of leper.

Righto, that’s all I got.

Last week sometime, my man and I visited several hotels for pricing of rooms for guests.

Friday I:

• Visited a friend I’ve not seen in a long time!
• Bought candles and holders for table centerpieces
• Bought ribbon to add to hair falls (still need to learn how to make ‘em)

Saturday my man and I:

• Met with a caterer and went over menu options (tasting to be scheduled)
• Met with a baker and tasted cake
• Visited two wineries for tasting/pricing of cases
• Visited hotels for pricing of rooms
• Had two members of our wedding party over for game night

Last night, I had two glasses of white wine and a half a glass of port. Of course this means I got drunk. I didn’t get falling down slobbering drunk, but still. I woke up dehydrated and sugar crashing this morning. :(

Note to self: YOU GOTTA STOP THIS.

This morning my man and I:

• Went over all the hotels we’ve looked at to rank them best to worst
• Picked out the hotels that still need pricing on and put it on my to-do list for Monday
• Went over menu options from the caterer we met with on Saturday so we can schedule a tasting

I just sat down to organise some of the hotels we do have pricing on our wedding website, and BAM, I started having a panic attack.

First reaction? Reach for the bottle.

BUT I STOPPED MYSELF.

I know this will make it worse.

Instead, I popped a vitamin C, a vitamin B-100, and a milk thistle supplement, and started chugging water.
I then opened up my sing-a-long playlist on iTunes and began singing songs.
The reason for the sing-a-long is that it forces air in and out of the lungs so I’m not holding my breath and continuing to panic.

But I was so far into the panic mode that now as I sing, I’m so emotionally charged, I am choking back tears. I think the best thing for me is to just allow the meltdown.

I’ll post an update if this happens.

Note to self: you’re also PMSing, as george is due in T-minus 3 days. Along those lines - I started getting slight pelvic pain yesterday.

I just got the results from my liver bloodwork from last Thursday - I HAS NORMAL HEALTHY LIVER!

YAY!!!

Also, Saturday I had some plum wine (I made it to 87 days sober) but you know, after like a third of a glass, my whole body felt run down and I had a sort of achey feeling in my entire trunk of my body. So I gave the rest to Badger to drink.

My assessment is that booze == poison for me, so I’m gonna continue on with the sobriety thing awhile longer, see how far I can get. :D

I’ve been REALLY bad to myself this month, indulging for over two weeks straight on all kinds of junk food, chocolate, sugar, booze and caffeine.
I was still on again off again sick in the beginning of January, but I felt better as of January 5th. I had gone to the doctor on the 4th about this protracted flu or whatever it was, but the doctor refused to give me antiviral medication. But she did send me out for blood work for thyroid, liver and blood sugar. The nausea and diarrhea subsided by that evening. Then on that Monday, I went to the allergist for more referral advice as to what’s all going on with my immune system.

Starting the very next day, Tuesday January 8, I went downhill with my willpower and dietary management. I began eating chocolate and caffeine. I was craving it badly. The next day was my man’s birthday, and I indulged with him on sushi and tiki drinks. One eats soy sauce with sushi. Soy sauce has natural estrogens in it. Endometriosis feeds off of estrogen. I also got a little drunk that night. Drinking messes with the immune system and endocrine system. The endocrine system is what regulates the hormones. The next day, I was declined for the child care job, and I bought and consumed a caffinated mocha on the way home. The day after that, Friday January 11, I was bored at home with my man and we got drunk drunk. The next day, I went out to a nightclub and got drunk again.
During this whole time, despite what seems like an active and energetic streak, I was struggling to stay awake the entire time. I pushed my body hard, and wondered why I was so tired I could cry day in and day out, and why I was so dehydrated (urine was dark yellow to near brown in colour) despite drinking water, juice and tea all day. I didn’t want my fatigue to interfere with plans I’d made with friends. So I pushed myself.

Starting the week of January 13, I was good and didn’t drink. However, I was still going after caffeine - mostly in the form of tea, and also eating chocolates. I had a breakthrough on Monday the 14th - it was my first day back to my old self, energy-wise. I didn’t need the caffination to keep me going, but now I WANTED it. I kept wondering why the hell I was consuming all this chocolate and caffeine with no self control - after all, george isn’t due til January 22nd…but I was glad to have my energy back.

Then on January 15, the doctor’s assistant called and told me I have high liver enzymes, and told me to lay off alcohol and painkillers for the next three months, and then get retested. It took three days to get ahold of the doctor directly to discuss what all is going on with me. Finally got to talk to the doctor on Friday - after discussing how much I drink and when, and how much pain medication I take and when, she said that I should be fine to continue taking painkillers only when george is around (that’s what I do anyway, unless my back goes out before or after george has visited). She instructed me to lay off the booze immediately so we can have a sort of baseline, and then I’ll be retested in April. I’ve since restarted the Chinese herbal medication that was given to me for my liver a few months ago. I’d stopped taking all my herbal meds, as well as vitamins, when I was sick from December 27 onwards. I’ve restarted taking vitamins, too.

Friday is when I bicycled for 5 minutes on the trainer and walked for 5 miles with a friend, btw.
(oh and it was Thursday or Friday that I noticed that my urine was back to a healthier colour, too).

The very next day, I was out with my man, and we happened across a winery, so we went in. Not even thinking, I participated in a wine tasting. It was only four types of wine, and the wineries only give you about an ounce or less to taste, but still. As soon as I realised what I’d done, I felt horrible. I’m not supposed to have ANY alcohol anymore. It will KILL me, I told myself and my man. I’d told my man back on January 15 not to allow me to have any more alcohol and he’s just not GETTING it on my behalf. I don’t know how else to say it. HELLO IT WILL KILL ME - he’s just not taking this seriously and well neither am I obviously if I slipped up and went to a winery for a tasting. My man wanted to go to more wineries but I told him we didn’t have time - which was true - we needed to get back home because we’d planned a gathering at our place. He pushed however until I relented and we went to another winery but it was packed full of people. A sudden onset of social anxiety or fear of people or whathaveyou rushed over me, and I became manic. Good thing my man didn’t want to stay, either. The place was hairy with people. We got back to the car and I just wanted to cry, I was so filled with anxiety and panic. We got into a tiff because I was freaking out, so I had to tell my man what was going on. It’s been years since I’ve had a social anxiety panic attack in front of him, so of course he wasn’t very sympathetic to me because he’d forgotten how to handle the situation when I get like that.

NOW I REALLY needed a drink, but I can’t drink because my liver enzymes are high. I don’t have anti-anxiety medication, I don’t take anti-depressants, and I don’t smoke pot. So WTF do I do, now? I had to breathe and ride it out.

That night, we had a gathering for my man’s and two of our friends’ birthdays. I was a spaz case because I barely had any time to wind down after getting home and before friends arrived. Despite the fact that it’s our friends and it’s at our house and therefore a safe environment, I was still really twitchy with social anxiety. A friend realised this and took me and another friend for a walk. That helped immensely, but only lasted a short time after we got back to the party. After half an hour or so, I was spazzy again.
Then at some point, my man offered me some of his drink to try, cuz he was proud of his concoction. I tried it and liked it. I asked for another sip and it was at that point that two of our friends noticed the exchange and said, “WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL HER?!?” and he pulled the drink back. I thanked our friends and told them that’s exactly the kind of reaction I need, as I have no self control with alcohol. My man’s reaction? “WHAT! It’s only a TASTE!”
So we all chided him and he bowed his head in shame.
Will it stick with him? Or will he keep wanting to go wine tasting and handing me drinks?

So yeah, that was last night. And at the gathering, I ate chocolates and dips that contained sour cream (dairy), and I drank sugary carbonated drinks (no corn syrup but it did have straight up sugar, which is still bad - I should NOT have that - it makes the pain worse).

Early this afternoon, I was talking with my man and suddenly I had pulsing, knifing pain in my right pelvic area, that made me gasp and double over, clutching myself. The pulsing lasted for a few minutes, long enough to allow me to breathe every 10 seconds before knifing me again. He held me while this was happening. I winced and told my man I must be ovulating, since george is due in a couple of days. Then it was over, just like that, after a few minutes.

At 3pm, I went bowling with friends. Five minutes before we left the house, george showed up.

He’s two days early. I popped an Ibuprofen600 and off we went. I brought leftover party food and of course ate some of it - mostly the chocolates and kettle corn. Ugh. Still out of control.
For the rest of the day since the pain first started, every so often, I’ll get one or three sharp, knifing pains in the same spot. But I’ve had no uterine pain. None. Slight spotting and sharp ovarian pain (happening as I type, too).

I’m really upset with myself. I’m disappointed in myself. I have been way out of line with myself all this month, since January 8th, and now it’s going to hurt REAL BAD.

I’ve got to stop the whole “I just want to eat whatever I want like other people get to do” mentality. It’s feeling sorry for myself. If I want to continue living, and if I want to have any sort of quality of life, I have GOT to stop being so cruel to myself. I have GOT to start putting healthy, nutritious food and drink into my body - food that is specially prepared for MY body and health concerns.

I’ve paid a health counselor $150/month for six months in 2007 to help me be kinder to myself. It didn’t work. I was scared for myself after a friend’s sister-in-law died - I thought this was the wake up I needed - but it only lasted a short time before I was back on the booze full tilt, and back to the sugar, chocolate and caffeine that hurts me badly. What does it take, Steph? When will you learn? When you are dead?

I dread what the next few days will bring me, pain-wise, because of the abuse I have caused myself this month.

I want to change. I don’t want to fall into this again next month. I swear, I need a group home environment where everything is strictly controlled insofar as my food and drink goes, and I need it prepared and served to me on a regular schedule, with all my Chinese herbal medication and my vitamins. But there is no one to do this for me. I have to do this for me. That’s been the whole problem. WHEN will I do this for me consistently and without fail?

One last thing - despite the thyroid and diabetes blood tests coming out normal, I’ve been shivering cold, even in a 73°F (23°C) house all through this month and for part of last month. Frozen fingers, goosebumps all over the body, literally shivering. I’m shivering and have goosebumps right now. I’ve been wearing a hat to bed with FOUR blankets AND a heating pad on my feet, and STILL freezing. I wear my shoes in the house to keep my feet warm because socks and slippers don’t do it for me. Although last night I found that I could put on my sock-slippers, then slip my feet into my small fuzzy black slippers, and then slip my feet again into a third pair of slippers - the big godzilla slippers that my man got me for xmess. THAT does the trick to keep my feet warm.

Is this being severely cold also due to the liver damage? I can’t find anything on google to confirm this.

The doctor’s assisstant just called about the blood I had drawn back on the 4th for the thyroid, liver and other thing.*

The liver enzymes are elevated.

They want me to stop taking pain medication and stop drinking alcohol immediately, and abstain for three months, and get tested again. I told her I cannot stop taking the pain medication, that the Tylenol3 is the only thing that helps me with the pain every month. We discussed how much Tylenol3 I consume each month and she told me that should be fine. I told her I’ve also been taking Chinese herbal medication for my liver and for uterine pain, based upon instructions from my acupuncturist. She said that should be fine to keep taking, and that as of now, I must abstain from all alcohol.

I remember being given the same stern warning oh… fifteen years ago after my pancreas got all inflamed and landed me in the hospital for four days. Within a year…maybe within months, I went right back to drinking. I started getting blackout drunk at clubs and parties within two years and that continued until at least last year.

In short, I don’t listen very well.

Wow. Elevated liver enzymes. That explains why I’ve been chronically tired dating back to Christmas, and likely explains the lethargy and depression for the last two weeks as well.

Your help is greatly appreciated - if you see me or read about me drinking alcohol from this point on, please remind me sternly that it WILL kill me and to STFU and STOPPIT NOW.
Please. I cannot do this alone. I have social anxiety - that’s mostly why I drink. And I also drink when I’m too stressed out.

5:35pm Edit: This article has a lot of good info for me. To wit:
“Mild to moderate elevations of the liver enzymes are commonplace. They are often unexpectedly encountered on routine blood screening tests in otherwise healthy individuals. The AST and ALT levels in such cases are usually between twice the upper limits of normal and several hundred units/liter.”

“The most common cause of mild to moderate elevations of these liver enzymes is fatty liver. In the United States, the most frequent cause of fatty liver is alcohol abuse. Other causes of fatty liver include diabetes mellitus and obesity. Chronic hepatitis C is also becoming an important cause of mild to moderate liver enzyme elevations.”

“A host of medications can cause abnormal liver enzymes levels. Examples include:
…Pain relief medications such as aspirin, acetaminophen (Tylenol), ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin), neproxen (Narosyn), diclofenac (Voltaren), and phenybutazone (Butazolidine)”

“With drug-induced liver enzyme abnormalities, the enzymes usually normalize weeks to months after stopping the medications.”

“Less common causes of abnormal liver enzymes in the United States include chronic hepatitis B, hemachromatosis, Wilson’s disease, alpha-1-antitrypsin deficiency, celiac sprue, Crohn’s disease, ulcerative colitis, and autoimmune hepatitis. Though not as common as hepatitis C, hepatitis B can cause chronic liver disease with persistently abnormal liver enzymes.”

“Rarely, abnormal liver enzymes can be a sign of cancer in the liver. Cancer arising from liver cells is called hepatocellularcarcinoma or hepatoma. Cancers spreading to the liver from other organs (such as colon, pancreas, stomach, etc) are called metastatic malignancies.”

“If alcohol or medication is responsible for the abnormal liver enzyme levels, stopping alcohol or the medication (under a doctor’s supervision only) should bring the enzyme levels to normal or near normal levels in weeks to months. If obesity is suspected as the cause of fatty liver, weight reduction of 5% to 10% should also bring the liver enzyme levels to normal or near normal levels.”

“If abnormal liver enzymes persist despite abstinence from alcohol, weight reduction and stopping certain suspected drugs, blood tests can be performed to help diagnose treatable liver diseases.”

“Ultrasound and CAT scan of the abdomen are sometimes used to exclude tumors in the liver or other conditions such as gallstones or tumors obstructing the ducts that drain the liver.”

So it’s good that I’ll be going for further testing to rule out celiac. If I DO have celiac, it could be a factor in the elevated liver enzyme issue. Then again, I’ve done well with abstaining from glutenous foods, so why would I be having a liver reaction?
Anyway, the drinking does NOT help me AT ALL, and neither does the Tylenol 3. But what do I do for the Endometriosis pain? :(

And don’t forget about my lovely gall stone issue (hmmm was it really a liver issue now I wonder?) back in September.

*I STILL forgot to ask them what that third blood test was for.

Another thing I found out recently (the same day my gallstones acted up) is that I have Deep Endo.

I’d read back on August 21st in The Endometriosis Sourcebook by Mary Lou Ballweg that

Several other researches have found depth of disease to be important. Belgian researcher Freddy Cornillie and co-workers found deeply infiltrating endometriosis (penetrating more than five millimeters [0.5 centimeters]) to be strongly related to pelvic pain. In a related prospective study, Philippe Koninckx found depth of infiltration to be the single most important factor in pelvic pain.
Association advisor David Olive summarizes these findings: “It seems that the anatomic location and the depth of penetration of endometriosis lesions are the critical factors in determining pain - that is, very superficial lesions tend not to produce much pain unless they are in a crucial anatomic location. Deep, penetrating lesions seem to produce a lot of pain almost no matter where they are located, but if they are at a crucial location, the result can be excruciating pain.”
As readers will appreciate, these are important findings for surgeons - and for women with endometriosis who choose surgery to relieve pain. Dr. Olive continues: “Running a laser beam or electrical current over the top of the lesions isn’t the way to go, as far as we know, because the depth of the lesions does seem to be a factor in causing pain. Surgical treatment requires excision or destruction of the lesion to its full depth.”
Deeply infiltrating disease seems to be found more often in certain parts of the pelvis, particularly the cul-de-sac, the uterosacral ligaments, and the uterovesical fold (between the uterus and the bladder). Some forms of deeply infiltrating disease may be more palpable (felt by touch) than visible, and these may be missed easily at laparoscopy. Endometrial lesions in the rectovaginal septum (the membrane separating the vagina and the rectum) may be very difficult to locate through the laparoscope and can perhaps be palpated only during menstruation. -pg. 38

After reading that, I wondered, if the reason why I still have pain after a laparoscopic surgery is perhaps because I have Deep Endometriosis? So I called up my surgeon the next day and ordered my surgery report to be sent to me.
I got the report and skimmed it and set it down to read in more detail when I had more time to delve into further research.

On September 1st, I woke up with gallbladder pain AND pelvic pain. The pelvic pain receded much faster than the gallbladder pain, which scared me and took up all of my energy that day.
However, that morning I decided to take time to read through my surgery report carefully.

Of particular note in the report was the following (bold text is mine):

She was noted to have significant adhesions of the patient’s left ovary to the posterior uterus and the left pelvic sidewall. There was a small, approximately 1-cm endometriotic implant on the right aspect of the lower uterine segment near the bladder reflection.
…with a combination of blunt and hydrodissection, the left ovary was carefully dissected away from the posterior uterus. In addition, we took down the adhesion from the right ovary to the pelvic sidewall with sharp dissection. The peritoneal edge was noted to be slightly oozy following this takedown, and we cauterized the tissue with the Harmonic ball…the Harmonic ball was also used to cauterize the superficial surface of the left ovary which was noted to have a small amount of bleeding. In addition, it was also used to ensure adequate hemostasis on the posterior surface of the uterus. Finally, the small endometriotic implant on the right aspect of the lower uterine segment was caterized with the Harmonic ball, and all of our dissection sites were noted to be hemostatic.

So I have a 1cm implant of Endometriosis, which by definition of the Endometriosis Association qualifies as Deep Endometriosis, and my surgeon simply tried to cauterize the SURFACE of this implant??!?! WHY DID SHE THINK THIS WOULD HELP ME!?!?
Specifically noted by one of the Endometriosis Association’s surgical advisors, David Olive, is “Running a laser beam or electrical current over the top of the lesions isn’t the way to go, as far as we know, because the depth of the lesions does seem to be a factor in causing pain. Surgical treatment requires excision or destruction of the lesion to its full depth“.

After reading my surgery report, I felt SO sad…hurt…betrayed. Here I thought I’d found a doctor who could really help me, and it seemed like she hadn’t kept up on her Endometriosis studies. I became angry. As a matter of fact, I’ve been in an angry and depressed funk ever since reading that report after having read The Endometriosis Sourcebook by Mary Lou Ballweg.

Alas, I wished to journal about all of this on August 9th, but I ran out of time because of housecleaning and prepping to go back to work and whathaveyou. Just two days earlier, at work, I’d been told by the director of support that I’d been passed over for a job interview by the Director’s Superior-NotCEObutAssKissingRearAdmiral because I’d been TARDY too many times in one week. On the very day and time of my interview, NotCEObutAssKissingRearAdmiral stayed over in another meeting and refused to come get me after his powwow. He never emailed me. He never talked to me. Neither did the director, til I finally cornered him Friday after work and he told me.

So anyway, Sunday I was already still fuming about having to go back to work, when I got even more pissed off about the surgery report.
And then the next day I was launched back into the work week.
Monday went horribly. I can’t even remember what was so horrible at work, now. All I know is that I was on the verge of being suicidal by the time I had to commute home.

I got home from work and immediately set to drinking. I believe I had FOUR rum drinks before suddenly deciding it would be a GREAT idea to go to the local Monday night goth club. I convinced my man to take me. We picked up another friend along the way, who fed me a shot of liquor as soon as I entered his house. When we got to the club, I immediately bought ANOTHER drink - a chambord and vodka, made with thee worst bottom shelf variety of vodka EVAR.

I don’t remember much of Monday night, but I’m told I laughed a lot, and tried to look up my friend’s skirt…I’m also told I vanished a couple of times, and my man wonders if I had puked, because my eye makeup was askew. I have no memory of any of this.
This is how I get when I drink. I black out.

I woke up with THEE worst hangover on Tuesday, but knew I still had to go into work. I can’t afford to take one of my paid days off for a hangover, when george is due in the next five days. Tuesday was a pile of suck for me as I slogged through the workday, wanting to puke. I barely ate anything.
On the way home from work, I went to Boston Market fast food joint, got a side-dish meal of mushy foods (mashed potatoes, creamed spinach, and squash casserole), and went home. I ate dinner and went directly to bed.
I inadvertently left my keys in the door, according to my man.

When I woke up Wednesday, I felt better, and became humble and embarrassed about what I’d done. I looked and acted mess at the nightclub in front of alot of old aquaintances. I feel like Edina Monsoon from Absolutely Fabulous, all over again. I’m just not a sophisticated drunk in the least, in the least.

So my pledged three months of sobriety lasted a whopping 23-days.
Hail Eris, goddess of Discord.

That bitch.

I’m not an every day alcoholic, mind you. I drink socially when I’m at a club or out with friends, but when I do drink, I always drink til very drunk. I was in the midst of clearing out my body and mind for a few months when work harrassment and the surgery report got to be too much for me to handle. I started feeling like nothing I do in life will ever help my pain, so why bother reeling in bad food and drink habits? Why does it matter? Who cares if having Endometriosis means I have a higher risk for cancer, and drinking alcohol can accelerate that? Who cares?

It was in that mindset that I fell, as it were.

Anyway, my next step is to stop drinking again and also to be diplomatic with my surgeon, and find out WHY she chose to cauterize instead of dig the damned implant out - was it because she was afraid to damage my bladder? I need to be nice and patient and get her side of the story before deciding whether or not to bring out the verbal knives.

January 18, 2009 Edit: I can’t find it anywhere in my diary but I wanted to note that my surgeon DID call me back, and she told me that the endo was not 1cm DEEP - it was 1cm LONG. She insisted that she cauterized it because it was not deep enough to warrant digging out, but noted that she was afraid of puncturing my bladder should she have tried cutting the endo out in that area.
The fact that I still have as debilitating pain today as I did before the laparoscopy to me demonstrates that she did NOT get all of the endometriosis out.

I’m a 35 year old caucasian female, born to an Appalachian woman and a Polish/Scots/Canadian man.

I was raised in and around Detroit, Michigan within sight/walking distance of factories, auto plants and chemical processing plants.

I grew up in a family where most, if not all of the adults smoked heavily. My mother was a pack-a-day user inside the house. My father was probably half that but tried to keep it outside of his house (my parents divorced when I was four).

I grew up in poverty, so we ate a lot of cheap red meat, government cheese, and refined sugars and breads.

I got my period for the first time when I was fourteen. My ma never prepared me for what to expect, but thankfully my friends and my schooling did, otherwise it might have been a scene right out of Stephen King’s ‘Carrie’. It was bad enough that my ma is Christian Fundamentalist and that the kids in school made fun of me and called me ‘Carrie’ anyway because of my long straight red hair.

The pain associated with my period began within the first year. I used to vomit from the pain and had to miss school because of it.

I asked my ma if she ever had that kind of pain. She said no, but her three sisters and her ma did. My ma told me she used to make fun of her sisters because she didn’t understand what they went through and thought they were faking it. …She never knew that there could be a real problem occurring until I started having the same symptoms.

I began drinking alcohol when I was sixteen. My ma kept Johnny Walker Red in her dresser drawer and I’d swipe a sip every now and then. My friend introduced me to cheap vodka and orange juice and we drank screwdrivers whenever we could get ahold of some.

When I turned nineteen, my friends and I began to go to Canada to get drunk every weekend. I developed a fondness for rum and coke. Rum is made from sugar. Coke is made from corn syrup. Sticky sweet toxicity.

When I was twenty-five in 1996, I saw a gynecologist about the severe monthly pain. He told me I hit every symptom in the book for Endometriosis, and told me I should have a laparoscopy to get an official diagnosis. At the time, I was too afraid of surgery, so I put it off for awhile. When I did decide I was ready, I was told I could get the procedure done in Spring of 1997.

That’s when my boyfriend at the time got hired to work in California, and asked me to go with him. I’d have six weeks downtime I was told post-op. That ran into the packing and moving, so I again rescheduled.

Due to having shitty jobs that provided shitty HMO health coverage in California, it took ten more years before I’d finally get the surgery to diagnose me.

In that time, I’ve been a social alcoholic since about my late sophomore year in college, ironically after I was accused of being alcoholic by the doctor who treated me for pancreatitis in 1993. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that. I still love rum best and drink it straight or mixed in fresh fruity stuff a la tiki bar.

I became “ovo-lacto-pesco vegetarian” in 1999 but continued to eat sweets. The pain never stopped. I found out I have gluten intolerance in 2006 so I went back to eating meat to give myself more food options.

In 2002, I interviewed my maternal grandmother and two of my aunts about their painful periods. I was given very similar stories to what I go through. Grandma used to be bedridden for a week at a time!! My grandma had nine kids and the pain never let up. She unfortunately couldn’t recall what menopause was like. My aunts had anywhere from two to four kids and their pain never went away, either. They had trouble with menopause but told me they thought it was normal, so I don’t know for sure. They’re Appalachian - they don’t like to give too much personal detail about stuff like that.

This is my background environment - all of the above contributes to my illness. Even though it’s largely hereditary in my case, other factors exacerbated over time and continue to do so.

Where do I go from here? Will I ever see relief?

I fluctuate between accepting my fate, being bitter at my ma for not knowing better and continuing the genetic line, and being diligent at trying to find a workaround to the pain.

On Friday I had my six month checkup with my surgeon. She said she didn’t feel anything unusual in there, and she did a pap. I’ll find out the results in a couple of weeks.
She said she’s upset that a) the surgery didn’t provide relief and b) I won’t consider different hormonal treatments.
Further, she mused that she should have done a hysterectomy when she had the chance. I told her that if she took everything, I’d have to go on hormone replacement therapy (HRT), and I’ve already told her several times, no more hormones. She then said she could have taken the uterus, leaving the ovaries intact.
To which I replied that with the ovaries still intact, the Endo still has the chance to thrive, and as she can attest, I do have a stubborn case of Endo, so in my case, I’d call it LIKELY that the Endo would continue to thrive.
She winced and shrugged, and was forced to concede that I had a very good point.

Come on, I’ve been researching this shit for years. I told her I didn’t want her to feel like she’d failed me, because she has been the best person for me in all these years - she gave me an official diagnosis. I told her too that I actually DID experience some relief from the pain, in the sense that symptoms for months after surgery did not present as early as they had before.

It’s only this month, six months after surgery, that I’ve begun to have a hard time two weeks before my period again.

I’m sad about this, and my surgeon is also sad and frustrated, but honestly, there’s nothing else we can do because of my reluctance to try another hormone therapy. I’ve still yet to try acupuncture, and I’ve still yet to listen to the health counselor I’ve hired. So there’s changes on my end that I know I need to make, that I’m not living up to.

I’ve been keeping post-it notes of my symptoms and forgetting to type them up here. So here they are all at once:

August 6 - 8, 2007: light pelvic pain
August 8, 2007: dull upper thigh pain
August 15, 2007: intermittent prickly sharp cramps in the front of my pelvic region/uterine area. Painful ankles and calves due to bloat.
August 16, 2007: pain in thighs/knees/ankles due to bloat. Onset moderate low back pain, requiring Ibuprofen.
August 17, 2007: constant checking - feels like george could be here at any second. Very tired. Intermittent moderate low back pain.
August 19, 2007: severe nesting and restlessness - george is about to arrive - I vacuumed and swept and did dishes and laundry. Later in the day, my back from neck to waist locked up, bracing for the coming george pain. I took a muscle relaxer. Constant checking - why isn’t george here, yet? Mild to moderate intermittent pelvic cramping.

As I type, the back pain is getting worse, especially in the shoulders as they try to compensate for the internal swelling and inflammation that is slowing setting in at the lower part of my back and pelvic region.

My masseuse told me that for years even after she got a hysterectomy, her body went into this cycle every month like clockwork. She had to reprogram her body to make the muscles aware that they no longer needed to go into protective mode anymore!

Going back to my health counselor - she’s been trying, really she has. I saw her two weeks ago and she made me a batch of lentil soup. It was really good and lasted for three servings. Alas, I have not lived up to my end of the bargain - I continue to drink until drunk with my friends. I continue to not get enough exercise. I continue to eat junk food.

Having Endometriosis means I am at a slightly elevated risk for cancer of the ovaries, non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, and endocrine and brain cancers, according to Dr Anna-Sofia Berglund.
I’m already in a higher risk pool for endocrine cancer because I had acute pancreatitis with gallstones in 1993 after having been on antibiotics nearly every month for a year. I was always sick with sinus infections because I was working with children and my immune system is not stellar.

Drinking alcohol severely increases the risk of another attack of pancreatitis, and if I go chronic, I am also highly likely to develop pancreatic cancer, according to what I’ve read out on the Internet.

So..double whammy. I NEED to get my shit together and STOP drinking alcohol. Further, I NEED to ask my health counselor this week if she can help me do a gallstone flush - perhaps that will help lessen the pain of Endometriosis?