I Will Not Suffer In Silence

Well I guess I prefer one thing following another rather than having it all at once!

TMI to follow, may be triggering…

Between January 31 and February 3, I got over the cold virus that was plaguing me. And then that allowed my body to start in with the premenstrual stuff.

Since about February 5, I have felt like I was developing a urinary tract infection, and overnight, I got a pea-sized bump on my right outer vulva. I’ve also been experiencing the worst anal shooting pains in probably ever.
It got to the point on Friday night while I was at a Taiko drumming show that I thought I’d need to leave and go directly to the emergency room. My entire abdominal region extending into my pelvic region felt bloated and inflamed, and it felt like someone was intermittently shoving what can probably be described as a splintered broomstick up my ass, plunging, then pulling it back out again. Dear gods. On several occasions, I gasped and elevated out of my chair. Same thing on the drive back home. I took medication when I got home.
The next morning, I was feeling better. The bump on my vulva even went down significantly. I had only a few moderate anal pain instances on Saturday, which can be described as someone shoving a safety pin into my anus. The pain was over much quicker.

Now, the first thing I think of when I get such pain is, what have I been eating or doing differently?
I have not had a drop of alcoholic beverage since January 1…but in the past week, I’ve added dried apricots to my diet, and I’ve been chowing down on gluten-free chocolate chip cookies out of PMS cravings. In the past week, I began drinking skullcap tea once a night before bed because it’s a calming agent (I’ve had a lot of self-induced anxiety over the past couple of weeks, centered around self-manufactured blogging deadlines).

I looked at the ingredients on the gluten-free cookies - they’re safe.

I looked up apricot allergy and found this webpage, which helped me a lot. Parts of the second paragraph really applied to me. It says, “Symptoms are more severe including generalised urticaria, abdominal pain…Individuals with apricot allergy also tend to develop adverse reactions to other fruits including peach, apple, cherry, plum, and nuts (such as hazelnut and walnut).”
Fascinating…I cannot eat the skin of apples or peaches without feeling like my intestines and asshole are being ripped apart. Now I know it’s all tied as an allergy. I don’t normally eat cherries or plums, so I can’t comment on whether I have a reaction to those. I haven’t paid attention to whether I have a similar reaction when I eat hazelnuts and walnuts, so now I can pay attention to that.

I looked up skullcap, and while I found that it won’t give me any abdominal or intestinal side effects, the webpage I found did go a long way in explaining why my anxiety was increasing rather than decreasing. I’ve been using the max dosage for my tea (30 drops of tincture) instead of the minimum (15 drops). So I’ll scale back on that and see if I notice any results.

With my thoughts on the apricots, on Friday, I phoned up my allergist and requested to go forward with the endoscopy that he wanted me to do last year. He wanted me to do this because he felt the blood test for celiac was not enough to go on, and he wanted a better test to rule out celiac. He really thinks I have it. I have not wanted to do the endoscopy out of fear, but now I feel that it is time I do this, to get definitive diagnoses ruled in or out. I spoke with the nurses there and they told me that peaches were tested for but not apricots, and the peach panel turned out negative for allergies. The doctor is to call me back this week and we’ll go over what all needs to be done in preparation for an accurate endoscopy reading.

In keeping with my ever-expanding goals for 2009, I am also trying to locate a rheumatologist so I can get my osteoarthritis looked at again, and rule out whether it’s rheumatoid arthritis or just osteoarthritis. This could be an important distinction, because of the fact that I have other immunological problems (endometriosis, allergies, spontaneous onset of acute pancreatitis at age 21).
I would also like to know definitively whether osteoarthritis is also considered an immunological disease like rheumatoid arthritis is.

I have osteoarthritis in my cervical spine, with bulging discs at C5 and C6. I thought this was from the car accident in 1994 but it may be that I’ve had degeneration since childhood. I definitely have osteoarthritis in my knees for example, and I had to have doctors notes exusing me from certain activities in gym class all my life. It’s possible that the car accident severely exacerbated the osteoarthritis and that’s why I now have bulging discs.

I also recently found out that I have osteoarthritis in my thoracic spine! I was looking back through all of my medical reports through the years and found a report from my chiropractor. In that report, it is noted that I have a diagnosis of Hyperlordosis and mild levoscoliosis, or curvature of the spine. Okay, I’ve known this since I was about 12 years old, and my family never had the money to fix it. And several of my aunts, as well as my maternal grandma also have/had this.

But the real kicker of this report was what I found at the bottom of the report: I also have osteoarthritis in the thoracic spince, from T6 - T8. I don’t recall this ever being properly explained to me. I’ve always focused on my neck injury. This totally explains the out-of-alignment bump on the spine that I have in my mid-back, which my husband likes to play with, because he finds it so weird-feeling. ;)

Now I wonder, did having this out-of-whack thoracic vertebrae CAUSE my acute pancreatitis when I was 21 years old? Hmmmm.

Anyway, to wrap up, the more immediate issue had been the abdominal/pelvic/anal inflamation and pain. I’ve not eaten any apricots since Friday, and the pain hasn’t been a problem at all today. Hopefully my system will get back on track in the anal region before the pain really sets in within the pelvic region by Saturday.

With all the pain in the past week, I was really depressed. The depression was already setting in the week prior - it’s my annual winter blahs, which always hit pretty badly by February. The pain just made the depression REALLY BAD for a few days. I hope I’m coming out of it, cuz I really need to be emotionally strong in the next week to be able to battle the endometriosis pain - and the fact that I’ll be bedridden for days again.

Happy New Year!

Today we slept in til 11:30am, got up, ate smoked salmon w/ cream cheese (B had his w/ baguette, I had mine w/ rice crackers), drank mimosas and also had some Peerless pumpkin spice coffee, and we watched Gonzo.

This year, I will:

• Become more of an advocate for Endometriosis awareness and humane treatment for those of us who suffer from it
• Put my life’s worth (1985 - present day) of diary entries about my chronic Endometriosis-related pain all in one place publicly on the Internet
• Travel to the U.K. for the first time
• Buy my first ever kitchen table
• Finally stop consuming alcoholic beverages because I know it will kill me based upon the medical condition that I have, and it’s time I started loving my innards every minute of every day instead of cursing myself for an illness I was born with
• Learn and practice yoga
• Live my first year of many decades under the new title of WIFE to my superhero
• Re-read every book I have on Tibetan Buddhism, and seek out more, because that more than any other belief system still really speaks to me 14 years after I found it
• Begin pardoning people who have incurred my wrath in years past (I’m not talking about small tiffs here, I’m talking full on silent treatment for years or decades)
• Generally start to practice true forgiveness on a grand scale

And I’d also like to quote my friend. This is second-hand as I do not recall the words as they were spoken last night, but Damion says that Chase said something last night that is so full of awesome, that I shall put it as my signature file in email…

“Let’s not hope for a better year, let’s MAKE a better year.” - Chase Worthington

Love and hugs and all that mushy crap,
steph

Overall, I had a nice weekend!

Friday in particular was great, because I got a lot of good news that day.

I was told that the company that fired me will settle for the last dollar figure I threw at them, PLUS they will revamp their disability training, PLUS they will remove the ‘fired’ status from my record and call it a ‘voluntary quit’, PLUS they will give a good review for me if employers call for reference check.
HOLY CRAP THOSE THINGS ARE THE VERY LAST THINGS I EVER EXPECTED TO COME OUT OF THAT COMPANY. This excites me to no end to know that they will restructure how they treat disabled people.
I can’t help but wonder if fellow coworkers finally found the bravery to step forward and also complained about how they were being treated.

On Friday, I was able to get a wagon and a boombox on loaner from a friend to use on the AIDS Walk, which I participate in every year.
Also on Friday, I went and did what I threatened to do - go looking for a wheelchair. I posted on freecycle.org looking for a wheelchair - someone actually had one right here on the island! I went and picked it up - it fits in the trunk of my car! I nearly cried, I was so relieved at having found a wheelchair, that it was free, that it was local, and that it fits in my trunk. I had no idea the amount of stress that would be lifted from me in just knowing I have a wheelchair handy in case I’m too debilitated at any event now or in the future. It’s not admitting defeat to my illness - it’s being prepared. *big happy sigh* I just didn’t know what a weight that would lift. I’m so happy.

We spent all of Saturday running around town, preparing for the AIDS Walk and a friend’s birthday party. And then we stopped in at the local German restaurant to see a friend who was celebrating her graduation from massage school. It was a coincidental delight to also see my other friend’s friend playing there that night - his band is called the Frisky Frolics.

We got home with sore feet last night and wondered if we’d be up for the AIDS Walk, after having such a long exhaustive Saturday running all over town. Our feet already hurt from that alone.

But we did it - we got up bright and early this morning and packed up my car with the wagon and a portable ipod speaker system that we got (we decided that would work better than the old boombox, and we can use the ipod thingy for the wedding, too), and we drove off to San Francisco for the AIDS Walk.

We met up with our friends - there were only six of us this year but we still got recognition from some of the other walkers who see us there every year, and we got compliments on our team shirts as usual. :)

I have blisters on my pinky toes after completing the 10km walk, but otherwise my feet and other toes survived just fine, as did my calves. All that walking the baby around town for my job has really paid off!

I had mild cramps on and off today - mostly when I *wasn’t* walking, but taking a rest. George showed up when I got home and went to a friend’s birthday BBQ party. I have been premedicating with Motrin so when the cramps did finally hit this evening, it’s been mild overall.

Oh! One last thing! This weekend I went to two different places where alcohol was present, and I did NOT take a full drink. I had nothing to drink last night, and today I only had a couple sips of peoples’ homemade vodkas, just to see what each tasted like. Never even came near catching a buzz. Even in the highly charged social situation where I ran into two unexpected people who at one time hurt me (one much worse than the other), I was not driven to drink. I am very proud of myself for this.

Now if I can just get through the wedding and dealing with family without needing to get drunk. Shit, THEY’LL be drunk, they’re promising it. They’ve said it’s not a wedding if people (themselves) aren’t trashed. Emotional cycles with certain people take longer to change than with others.

Every month, right before george, I get the sudden urge to exercise, to watch my diet while simultaneously bingeing on junk food and caffeinated drinks.

This month’s sudden urge manifested in the area of wanting to get back into relaxation breathing (which I still haven’t done, despite owning a book and still borrowing a friend’s tapes), and also manifested in wanting to know about how drinking affects my uterus and ovaries immediately. This is because after I had my two binges this month, I had ovarian and uterine pain for up to three days following. I’m very worried that this month’s cycle is going to be very painful as a result. I’m also worried that my cycle will be disrupted (early or late).

I had only one glass of red table wine last night before bed, and it calmed me down immensely, but the sulfites made my face so red that I looked sunburned. Today I am dragging and I feel that feeling where george could be here any second, and I have to keep checking. Ugh.

I really really think I have to permanently cut alcohol out of my diet. I’ve said this repeatedly over the years, only to keep going back to the booze, especially in social situations. Blah. What do I do at our wedding? I want to be at ease. Maybe I’ll just take .5mg valium to chill out. Blah. Wish I could say I’m strong and don’t need anything for nerves or anxiety. I know I’m not strong and won’t be for some time.

Two days after the Independence Day celebrations, on July 6th, a friend of ours was a guest DJ at the island’s famous tiki bar. She encouraged people to dress up in their beach party best. Because it’s a tiki bar, and because my friend is also a retro chick, I opted for a kitschy 50’s bathing beauty look, complete with leopard print mini skirt.
I love to get into costume, but this challenged my insecurities quite a bit. I had bare legs and bare arms and shoulders for the most part. I NEVER do that. I decided I’d try my hand at being comfortable with my body, and well it failed because when I got to the tiki bar, I was so extremely self-conscious, add to that my social anxiety, that I jumped right in and ordered a zombie - their most powerful drink. I did this with the mindset that it would loosen me up and I wouldn’t need another drink after that.
Big mistake. I had three or four drinks that afternoon, and was so trashed that a friend had to drive me home. So embarrassing. SO embarrassing.
Part of the reason I got so trashed was because my man was not there to stop me. Usually he assumes a parental role with me to curb my drinking. We agreed on this after I got so trashed at an event back in 2005 that he almost ended the relationship because I was that out of control.

On Monday July 7th, I did laundry but mostly slacked off all day, recovering from the horrible horrible hangover. I sent out a plea to my friends to help keep me in check where bars are concerned. Only one friend said she’d step up to this really responsible role for me. I’m very grateful for her. The problem is, she’s rarely at the clubs or bars that I normally go to. But I know I can count on her if she is out with me and my man is not there to provide the parental role.

I worked Tuesday through Thursday this week and was wiped out by the end of Wednesday, heh. I only put in 24-27 hours of work per week now, but it’s labor-intensive and wipes me out. Eventually I’ll get in shape from this work and it won’t leave me so exhausted.

Last night, the band my man is in had their last concert. Their lead singer/owner of the band killed his band name and associated music, and now they’re all working on new material. I’m glad they’ve stayed together but it’s not been without moderate stress on everyone. It’s bold and scary to start off on a whole new project after ten years and an established fan base. There were four bands on the bill last night. I tried ringing up a couple of people to go with me to the bar, so I wouldn’t be on my own and self-destructive again. I did not try hard enough. I should have been on top of this, ensuring a ride with someone days ago. I failed again.
I went to the club alone. I met several people there I know, sure, but for some reason, I was nervous and full of social anxiety all over again. WHY. I don’t know. I don’t know.
I started drinking.
The bartenders there are very generous with their pours.
And yet I had two or three drinks. I got hammered. Again. After having a talk with myself all day about only getting cranberry juice. I rehearsed it in my head - get a drink to make it look like you’re drinking alcohol, so you can join in the party so to speak. But all the while I was rehearsing this, in the back of my head another voice was already at the bar and explaining to someone that she had her cranberry juice and now she’s getting a tall glass of vodka - to go with the cranberry she’d already drank.

That voice - that is my arch nemesis. The one who is literally trying to kill me. The one who seems unstoppable. The one I feel powerless against.

gods help me. At the end of the night, there was no one to drive me home. I drove home drunk. So drunk I had to squint with one eye closed to properly see the road. I have no idea where I parked my car last night.

I do recall taking vitamin B and C before bed, so that’s good because I didn’t wake up with the type of hangover I had only four days ago. Although I am not nauseous, nor do I have a pounding hangover headache, my stomach feels pitted and my kidneys are screaming. Add to that the fact that after heavy drinking, my ovaries and uterus get cranky because the hormones are all whacked out of place from the alcohol poisoning. So now I dread my next period - I’m positive it will be a really bad one thanks to my self-destructive behaviour.

I feel like the next binge really will kill me.
And yet, I know there will be another binge. I’m afraid. So very afraid. I don’t know how to stop myself. I’ve been saying this for years and years and I’ve put myself raw and exposed to people to help me but none of it has worked.

… looking up treatment options on my insurance…

Prior auth required. Hm. Time to make an appointment with my doctor.

I didn’t have pain on Friday morning, though I was still bleeding. So I had really bad pain and bleeding for three days - on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday - this time around. That for me is about right. A five-day cycle overall, with three really bad days.

I did go in to work at the new assignment on Friday. This place is a government-run facility, I’m told. There was order, stability, curriculum, and professional staff. I asked if they’d need me again soon. By lunchtime, they asked me if I really did want to come back, because they saw how well the kids responded to me, and said they liked my work.
Even though I have social phobia with other adults, and even though I felt extremely awkward, I really liked that center so much better than the first one I was assigned to.

By the end of the workday on Friday, I’d had a child plop down in my lap during story time, and another child drew me a card with flowers on it, and yet another child grabbed hold of the back of my shirt and decided to be my shadow during recess. Mad giggling ensued when I turned around and asked who was behind me - she moved with me every time I twisted and turned - obscuring her identity. I figured the only way to get her to let go of my shirt was to climb the monkey bars and go down the slide. It worked - and I “ran” to get away from her again, but she’d catch me every time and we’d have to repeat the scenario. ;) After the second time around, I had upwards of six or seven children playing this game, running after me, giggling like crazy. :)

George went away by Friday evening, and just in time for a cold to settle in. I woke up in the middle of the night with phlegm and a very sore throat. Ugh. I began taking 1,000mg vitamin C and popping the Cold-Eze cough drops again (this cold tried to settle in a week or two ago and I thought I’d fought it off).
I’ve had this sore throat on and off since Friday, and today it turned into a cough. Great. Good thing I have leftover codeine cough syrup from a year or so ago when I was sick. Hopefully I can fend the cold off again.

That’s the risk you take when working with children. Their germs are evil little mutating bastards. I have this saying - “children will kill ya!”

Friday night, my man took me out to dinner at our favourite Thai restaurant, and afterwards, we walked around town a bit.

On Saturday, I attended a friend’s birthday party *and* another friend’s wedding.
Today, we gathered at the bride and groom’s house for brunch, and watched them do the official signing of all the documents. I got to hear funny stories about the groom - I always like to hear families tell such stories. I’m a huge genealogy fan, so hearing anyone’s history, no matter how embarrassing or not, holds a lot of interest for me. I am fond of seeing families together, chatting, hanging out - doing what our family used to do before gramma and grampa moved back to Kentucky and the family fell apart without their parents as a solid rock and anchor nearby.

Bah, but I digress.

It was when we were on our way home from our friends’ house that my cough set in. And now I’m back home again, and I’m depressed all over again. I have our own wedding to continue planning. I feel alone in this planning.

Bleh. I’m so glad I don’t work tomorrow. I’m so glad I insisted on a 32-hour work week. I need tomorrow as a mental health day, and actually, I wonder how much sicker I’ll get with this cold. It’s definitely not helping with my depression. I’ve been depressed since the beginning of June - at least, that’s what my diary says.

I don’t know what else to say. Journaling got a lot off my chest, but I’ve not solved anything and I don’t feel any better emotionally like I usually do through journaling. I don’t know what else I can say or rant about in an attempt to make myself feel better.

Hmmm.

Maybe drinking a lot of alcohol socially over the past two weeks hasn’t helped my depression, either. :p

I know what would make me feel better. Winning the friggin’ lottery would make me feel better. I don’t want to work anymore. I don’t want to worry about rent and bills anymore. I don’t want to stress over wedding finances anymore.

One last thing, just so I have it preserved here - my thumb is doing much better. Ever since yesterday morning, or was it Friday night?… I’ve been constantly applying Curel lotion to my thumb. It’s healing up nicely, and much faster than applying that stupid steroidal ointment I was given from my doctor. I wonder if I’m also allergic to that. Wouldn’t surprise me. My ma is allergic to cortisone, and only found out when she had it injected for back pain. She can’t even have it topically - it makes her rash out and also look like some kind of leper.

Righto, that’s all I got.

Last week sometime, my man and I visited several hotels for pricing of rooms for guests.

Friday I:

• Visited a friend I’ve not seen in a long time!
• Bought candles and holders for table centerpieces
• Bought ribbon to add to hair falls (still need to learn how to make ‘em)

Saturday my man and I:

• Met with a caterer and went over menu options (tasting to be scheduled)
• Met with a baker and tasted cake
• Visited two wineries for tasting/pricing of cases
• Visited hotels for pricing of rooms
• Had two members of our wedding party over for game night

Last night, I had two glasses of white wine and a half a glass of port. Of course this means I got drunk. I didn’t get falling down slobbering drunk, but still. I woke up dehydrated and sugar crashing this morning. :(

Note to self: YOU GOTTA STOP THIS.

This morning my man and I:

• Went over all the hotels we’ve looked at to rank them best to worst
• Picked out the hotels that still need pricing on and put it on my to-do list for Monday
• Went over menu options from the caterer we met with on Saturday so we can schedule a tasting

I just sat down to organise some of the hotels we do have pricing on our wedding website, and BAM, I started having a panic attack.

First reaction? Reach for the bottle.

BUT I STOPPED MYSELF.

I know this will make it worse.

Instead, I popped a vitamin C, a vitamin B-100, and a milk thistle supplement, and started chugging water.
I then opened up my sing-a-long playlist on iTunes and began singing songs.
The reason for the sing-a-long is that it forces air in and out of the lungs so I’m not holding my breath and continuing to panic.

But I was so far into the panic mode that now as I sing, I’m so emotionally charged, I am choking back tears. I think the best thing for me is to just allow the meltdown.

I’ll post an update if this happens.

Note to self: you’re also PMSing, as george is due in T-minus 3 days. Along those lines - I started getting slight pelvic pain yesterday.

I just got the results from my liver bloodwork from last Thursday - I HAS NORMAL HEALTHY LIVER!

YAY!!!

Also, Saturday I had some plum wine (I made it to 87 days sober) but you know, after like a third of a glass, my whole body felt run down and I had a sort of achey feeling in my entire trunk of my body. So I gave the rest to Badger to drink.

My assessment is that booze == poison for me, so I’m gonna continue on with the sobriety thing awhile longer, see how far I can get. :D

I’ve been REALLY bad to myself this month, indulging for over two weeks straight on all kinds of junk food, chocolate, sugar, booze and caffeine.
I was still on again off again sick in the beginning of January, but I felt better as of January 5th. I had gone to the doctor on the 4th about this protracted flu or whatever it was, but the doctor refused to give me antiviral medication. But she did send me out for blood work for thyroid, liver and blood sugar. The nausea and diarrhea subsided by that evening. Then on that Monday, I went to the allergist for more referral advice as to what’s all going on with my immune system.

Starting the very next day, Tuesday January 8, I went downhill with my willpower and dietary management. I began eating chocolate and caffeine. I was craving it badly. The next day was my man’s birthday, and I indulged with him on sushi and tiki drinks. One eats soy sauce with sushi. Soy sauce has natural estrogens in it. Endometriosis feeds off of estrogen. I also got a little drunk that night. Drinking messes with the immune system and endocrine system. The endocrine system is what regulates the hormones. The next day, I was declined for the child care job, and I bought and consumed a caffinated mocha on the way home. The day after that, Friday January 11, I was bored at home with my man and we got drunk drunk. The next day, I went out to a nightclub and got drunk again.
During this whole time, despite what seems like an active and energetic streak, I was struggling to stay awake the entire time. I pushed my body hard, and wondered why I was so tired I could cry day in and day out, and why I was so dehydrated (urine was dark yellow to near brown in colour) despite drinking water, juice and tea all day. I didn’t want my fatigue to interfere with plans I’d made with friends. So I pushed myself.

Starting the week of January 13, I was good and didn’t drink. However, I was still going after caffeine - mostly in the form of tea, and also eating chocolates. I had a breakthrough on Monday the 14th - it was my first day back to my old self, energy-wise. I didn’t need the caffination to keep me going, but now I WANTED it. I kept wondering why the hell I was consuming all this chocolate and caffeine with no self control - after all, george isn’t due til January 22nd…but I was glad to have my energy back.

Then on January 15, the doctor’s assistant called and told me I have high liver enzymes, and told me to lay off alcohol and painkillers for the next three months, and then get retested. It took three days to get ahold of the doctor directly to discuss what all is going on with me. Finally got to talk to the doctor on Friday - after discussing how much I drink and when, and how much pain medication I take and when, she said that I should be fine to continue taking painkillers only when george is around (that’s what I do anyway, unless my back goes out before or after george has visited). She instructed me to lay off the booze immediately so we can have a sort of baseline, and then I’ll be retested in April. I’ve since restarted the Chinese herbal medication that was given to me for my liver a few months ago. I’d stopped taking all my herbal meds, as well as vitamins, when I was sick from December 27 onwards. I’ve restarted taking vitamins, too.

Friday is when I bicycled for 5 minutes on the trainer and walked for 5 miles with a friend, btw.
(oh and it was Thursday or Friday that I noticed that my urine was back to a healthier colour, too).

The very next day, I was out with my man, and we happened across a winery, so we went in. Not even thinking, I participated in a wine tasting. It was only four types of wine, and the wineries only give you about an ounce or less to taste, but still. As soon as I realised what I’d done, I felt horrible. I’m not supposed to have ANY alcohol anymore. It will KILL me, I told myself and my man. I’d told my man back on January 15 not to allow me to have any more alcohol and he’s just not GETTING it on my behalf. I don’t know how else to say it. HELLO IT WILL KILL ME - he’s just not taking this seriously and well neither am I obviously if I slipped up and went to a winery for a tasting. My man wanted to go to more wineries but I told him we didn’t have time - which was true - we needed to get back home because we’d planned a gathering at our place. He pushed however until I relented and we went to another winery but it was packed full of people. A sudden onset of social anxiety or fear of people or whathaveyou rushed over me, and I became manic. Good thing my man didn’t want to stay, either. The place was hairy with people. We got back to the car and I just wanted to cry, I was so filled with anxiety and panic. We got into a tiff because I was freaking out, so I had to tell my man what was going on. It’s been years since I’ve had a social anxiety panic attack in front of him, so of course he wasn’t very sympathetic to me because he’d forgotten how to handle the situation when I get like that.

NOW I REALLY needed a drink, but I can’t drink because my liver enzymes are high. I don’t have anti-anxiety medication, I don’t take anti-depressants, and I don’t smoke pot. So WTF do I do, now? I had to breathe and ride it out.

That night, we had a gathering for my man’s and two of our friends’ birthdays. I was a spaz case because I barely had any time to wind down after getting home and before friends arrived. Despite the fact that it’s our friends and it’s at our house and therefore a safe environment, I was still really twitchy with social anxiety. A friend realised this and took me and another friend for a walk. That helped immensely, but only lasted a short time after we got back to the party. After half an hour or so, I was spazzy again.
Then at some point, my man offered me some of his drink to try, cuz he was proud of his concoction. I tried it and liked it. I asked for another sip and it was at that point that two of our friends noticed the exchange and said, “WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL HER?!?” and he pulled the drink back. I thanked our friends and told them that’s exactly the kind of reaction I need, as I have no self control with alcohol. My man’s reaction? “WHAT! It’s only a TASTE!”
So we all chided him and he bowed his head in shame.
Will it stick with him? Or will he keep wanting to go wine tasting and handing me drinks?

So yeah, that was last night. And at the gathering, I ate chocolates and dips that contained sour cream (dairy), and I drank sugary carbonated drinks (no corn syrup but it did have straight up sugar, which is still bad - I should NOT have that - it makes the pain worse).

Early this afternoon, I was talking with my man and suddenly I had pulsing, knifing pain in my right pelvic area, that made me gasp and double over, clutching myself. The pulsing lasted for a few minutes, long enough to allow me to breathe every 10 seconds before knifing me again. He held me while this was happening. I winced and told my man I must be ovulating, since george is due in a couple of days. Then it was over, just like that, after a few minutes.

At 3pm, I went bowling with friends. Five minutes before we left the house, george showed up.

He’s two days early. I popped an Ibuprofen600 and off we went. I brought leftover party food and of course ate some of it - mostly the chocolates and kettle corn. Ugh. Still out of control.
For the rest of the day since the pain first started, every so often, I’ll get one or three sharp, knifing pains in the same spot. But I’ve had no uterine pain. None. Slight spotting and sharp ovarian pain (happening as I type, too).

I’m really upset with myself. I’m disappointed in myself. I have been way out of line with myself all this month, since January 8th, and now it’s going to hurt REAL BAD.

I’ve got to stop the whole “I just want to eat whatever I want like other people get to do” mentality. It’s feeling sorry for myself. If I want to continue living, and if I want to have any sort of quality of life, I have GOT to stop being so cruel to myself. I have GOT to start putting healthy, nutritious food and drink into my body - food that is specially prepared for MY body and health concerns.

I’ve paid a health counselor $150/month for six months in 2007 to help me be kinder to myself. It didn’t work. I was scared for myself after a friend’s sister-in-law died - I thought this was the wake up I needed - but it only lasted a short time before I was back on the booze full tilt, and back to the sugar, chocolate and caffeine that hurts me badly. What does it take, Steph? When will you learn? When you are dead?

I dread what the next few days will bring me, pain-wise, because of the abuse I have caused myself this month.

I want to change. I don’t want to fall into this again next month. I swear, I need a group home environment where everything is strictly controlled insofar as my food and drink goes, and I need it prepared and served to me on a regular schedule, with all my Chinese herbal medication and my vitamins. But there is no one to do this for me. I have to do this for me. That’s been the whole problem. WHEN will I do this for me consistently and without fail?

One last thing - despite the thyroid and diabetes blood tests coming out normal, I’ve been shivering cold, even in a 73°F (23°C) house all through this month and for part of last month. Frozen fingers, goosebumps all over the body, literally shivering. I’m shivering and have goosebumps right now. I’ve been wearing a hat to bed with FOUR blankets AND a heating pad on my feet, and STILL freezing. I wear my shoes in the house to keep my feet warm because socks and slippers don’t do it for me. Although last night I found that I could put on my sock-slippers, then slip my feet into my small fuzzy black slippers, and then slip my feet again into a third pair of slippers - the big godzilla slippers that my man got me for xmess. THAT does the trick to keep my feet warm.

Is this being severely cold also due to the liver damage? I can’t find anything on google to confirm this.

The doctor’s assisstant just called about the blood I had drawn back on the 4th for the thyroid, liver and other thing.*

The liver enzymes are elevated.

They want me to stop taking pain medication and stop drinking alcohol immediately, and abstain for three months, and get tested again. I told her I cannot stop taking the pain medication, that the Tylenol3 is the only thing that helps me with the pain every month. We discussed how much Tylenol3 I consume each month and she told me that should be fine. I told her I’ve also been taking Chinese herbal medication for my liver and for uterine pain, based upon instructions from my acupuncturist. She said that should be fine to keep taking, and that as of now, I must abstain from all alcohol.

I remember being given the same stern warning oh… fifteen years ago after my pancreas got all inflamed and landed me in the hospital for four days. Within a year…maybe within months, I went right back to drinking. I started getting blackout drunk at clubs and parties within two years and that continued until at least last year.

In short, I don’t listen very well.

Wow. Elevated liver enzymes. That explains why I’ve been chronically tired dating back to Christmas, and likely explains the lethargy and depression for the last two weeks as well.

Your help is greatly appreciated - if you see me or read about me drinking alcohol from this point on, please remind me sternly that it WILL kill me and to STFU and STOPPIT NOW.
Please. I cannot do this alone. I have social anxiety - that’s mostly why I drink. And I also drink when I’m too stressed out.

5:35pm Edit: This article has a lot of good info for me. To wit:
“Mild to moderate elevations of the liver enzymes are commonplace. They are often unexpectedly encountered on routine blood screening tests in otherwise healthy individuals. The AST and ALT levels in such cases are usually between twice the upper limits of normal and several hundred units/liter.”

“The most common cause of mild to moderate elevations of these liver enzymes is fatty liver. In the United States, the most frequent cause of fatty liver is alcohol abuse. Other causes of fatty liver include diabetes mellitus and obesity. Chronic hepatitis C is also becoming an important cause of mild to moderate liver enzyme elevations.”

“A host of medications can cause abnormal liver enzymes levels. Examples include:
…Pain relief medications such as aspirin, acetaminophen (Tylenol), ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin), neproxen (Narosyn), diclofenac (Voltaren), and phenybutazone (Butazolidine)”

“With drug-induced liver enzyme abnormalities, the enzymes usually normalize weeks to months after stopping the medications.”

“Less common causes of abnormal liver enzymes in the United States include chronic hepatitis B, hemachromatosis, Wilson’s disease, alpha-1-antitrypsin deficiency, celiac sprue, Crohn’s disease, ulcerative colitis, and autoimmune hepatitis. Though not as common as hepatitis C, hepatitis B can cause chronic liver disease with persistently abnormal liver enzymes.”

“Rarely, abnormal liver enzymes can be a sign of cancer in the liver. Cancer arising from liver cells is called hepatocellularcarcinoma or hepatoma. Cancers spreading to the liver from other organs (such as colon, pancreas, stomach, etc) are called metastatic malignancies.”

“If alcohol or medication is responsible for the abnormal liver enzyme levels, stopping alcohol or the medication (under a doctor’s supervision only) should bring the enzyme levels to normal or near normal levels in weeks to months. If obesity is suspected as the cause of fatty liver, weight reduction of 5% to 10% should also bring the liver enzyme levels to normal or near normal levels.”

“If abnormal liver enzymes persist despite abstinence from alcohol, weight reduction and stopping certain suspected drugs, blood tests can be performed to help diagnose treatable liver diseases.”

“Ultrasound and CAT scan of the abdomen are sometimes used to exclude tumors in the liver or other conditions such as gallstones or tumors obstructing the ducts that drain the liver.”

So it’s good that I’ll be going for further testing to rule out celiac. If I DO have celiac, it could be a factor in the elevated liver enzyme issue. Then again, I’ve done well with abstaining from glutenous foods, so why would I be having a liver reaction?
Anyway, the drinking does NOT help me AT ALL, and neither does the Tylenol 3. But what do I do for the Endometriosis pain? :(

And don’t forget about my lovely gall stone issue (hmmm was it really a liver issue now I wonder?) back in September.

*I STILL forgot to ask them what that third blood test was for.