I Will Not Suffer In Silence

By yesterday late afternoon, I was feeling better. The bleeding had also subsided. I tried getting some work done on the astrology business. I didn’t eat very well yesterday because I didn’t have much of an appetite.

When my man got home around 7:30pm, I hemmed and hawed for half an hour on what to have for dinner.

Finally I settled on waffles and eggs, as it would be something simple. I’d read that eggs are bad for the liver, so I’d vastly reduced my intake of eggs since January upon finding out that my liver enzymes are high. But last night I had two eggs for dinner with two gluten-free waffles, a slice of deli cut ham, and a slice of yogurt cheese. This was around 8:15pm.

I was in good spirits and working on my web business. My man decided around 10:00pm to go to the gym, and left for a bit.

As I was sitting at my computer working, I felt a sudden gush. George had returned. It was around 10:45pm.
I stood up and filled a pad and ran to the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet, I felt suddenly nauseous, and then I could feel the uterine pain ramping up.

I downed 1mg of Dilaudid and went back to the computer room, but it was too late - the pain ramped up that suddenly, and now I was doubtful the Dilaudid would kick in in time, no matter how much I took.

I got down on the floor and tried to do my breathing and acupressure exercises, but the pain was too intense too quickly, and I began to shake. I decided I should put myself in bed, but I was disoriented from the pain, and couldn’t find my heating pad. I opened the door to the bedroom and it was very cold in there. All my energy was expended at that point, so I laid down on the bedroom floor, on my back, and tried to continue the breathing. But it was no use. The pain was SO bad.

I began to cry. And then the crying turned to convulsive sobbing.

I crawled back into the computer room and got my cell phone and fumbled, trying to press the right combination of buttons to reach my man. The phone rang, and then…

I heard a buzzing noise on my man’s desk.

It was his phone.

He’d left it behind.

There was no way I could reach him at that moment. I don’t have the number to the gym and didn’t have the energy to look it up and call him.

So I crawled back to the bedroom and laid on my back on the floor and sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed.

My man came home within 15 minutes of that and rushed to my side when he heard my sobs. I was near hyperventilation at that point. He gave me the time I needed, which took about ten minutes, to get up off the floor and get shoes on. We went out the door and he drove me to the hospital.

The hospital in our town is usually empty.

Last night, there were at least seven people in the waiting room, and I don’t know how many more in back. I wanted to turn around already. I had a bad feeling about going in. I stood up out of the car and filled my pad.

But the last time this level of sudden pain happened, I was told I MUST go to E.R. IMMEDIATELY.
So we went in. I was sobbing at the check-in window and nobody was there for several minutes. When a lady did arrive, she took her time gathering data. Then they told me to go back into the waiting room. As soon as I stood up, I filled my pad again, and this time passed the clot that had caused me so much pain.

I sat down at the nearest chair - back in front of the check-in window. The pain subsided a bit, and I was EXTREMELY tired. I told my man we should probably go back home, that since the episode had passed, there was nothing E.R. could do for me now.

Then the lady behind the glass told us to move so she could talk to other patients. I slowly stood up, annoyed, and gushed into my pad a third time. This time, it overflowed. I decided that since I was still bleeding so badly, I should probably stay. My man led me over to an empty chair in the waiting room, and I slowly sat down. The pain was returning, I told him.

We waited for another 7 or so minutes, and then the check-in nurse told me to come back into the E.R.
I took one look at how far it was to cross the room, and told her I’d no strength to do it.
She fetched a wheelchair and wheeled me back into E.R., where I was given a room with a bathroom and a box of hospital-issue maxi pads that looked like they’d never been updated style-wise or comfort-wise since the 1940’s.

I was given a gown and told to take off my pants and told to report any clots to the doctor. The nurse said she’d get me a cup to do a urine sample.
I went into the bathroom and mustered all the strength I could to take off my shoes and pants. The clot still hadn’t officially come out until I went to the bathroom. What to do with the clot? The doctor needed to know and maybe see it, right? So I didn’t flush.
I put my used fabric pad away into my pocket, put the new unweildy not-wide-enough pad into my underwear, and shuffled back into the room and slowly climbed up onto the gurney.

There, we waited. And waited. And waited.

And waited. And waited.

I kept telling my man I wanted to go home, that the pain was over and the clot had passed, and that I was REALLY tired and wanted to go home. I was also very thirsty but couldn’t find further strength to voice it.

Finally, my man went to the nurse station and told them they’d forgotten to give me a cup for urine sample. They gave him a cup, which he gave to me. I went back into the bathroom and had to navigate the pad that kept wanting to fall out of my pants - no way to secure it in and it didn’t have adhesive bottom or even a button fastener like modern-day pads SHOULD.

I got the urine sample, tried to set the cup down…

and spilled the contents.

I picked up the cup before it all spilled out, and slowly tried to mop the floor as best I could. Ugh. I should have called for help. WTF.

I put the sample cup back into its bag and set it on the countertop.

And we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Just as I was about to leave, a doctor and her assistant came in hurriedly and apologetically and told me they needed to do a pelvic exam and get me started on medication. I told them the pain and bleeding had already passed, they were too late, I wanted to go home.

The doctor insisted on a pelvic exam. I didn’t have enough strength to protest further. My man was ushered out of the room and she told me to take down my underwear and spread eagle. I ordered her to shut the door to the room - I wouldn’t have her do this exam with just a curtain drawn and the open door facing all the rest of the patients in ER, WTF.
She mostly closed the door and proceeded with the exam. I was very tender and whined and moaned. Then she said she’d need to use the speculum. I did my breathing exercises but started to panic - I told her I was already in enough pain and didn’t want that. She tried to insert the speculum but it wouldn’t go without stinging pain. I cried out. She stopped and tried again. I cried out again “IT HURTS!”
She and the nurse assistant told me to hold the nurse assistant’s hand and to breathe. She tried a third time to get the speculum in and again I had stinging searing pain with the forced object.

AND THEN

OH MY EFFING GOD

THE DOCTOR TRIED STIMULATING MY CLITORIS to loosen me up to get the speculum in. I cried out louder and put my legs together and began sobbing, and she stopped.

She told me the bleeding had mostly stopped anyway, so she’d not continue with the exam. I told her the bleeding would come back NOW that she’d forced shit into me.

I sat up and

GUSH

and the pain started to come back. And I was crying and shaking and pale again.

My man came back into the room and I hugged him around his waist and said, “They hurt me.”
He came down to eye level with me and the look on his face of utter rage and helplessness - that’s when I realised just how wrong it all was, and that were I in better strength and mindset, I’d have kicked those bitches’ asses for what just happened.

So I tried to chin up, gather strength out of nowhere, and get the hell out of there. I told my man I’d had enough and we were going home. It was after 1am at this point.

As I was getting dressed, the doctor’s assistant came back in with several vials for drawing blood, and an IV for administering fluids. I told her NO. She said she’d check with the doctor.
The doctor came back after a few minutes and told me passive-aggressively that she just needed to check my hemoglobin and see if I was anemic and dehydrated so she could see if a transfusion and fluids were necessary.

I told her LOOK AT ME. OF COURSE I’M DEHYDRATED AND ANEMIC. I JUST LOST ALL THAT BLOOD TONIGHT AND YOU WERE TOO LATE.

I lectured her at this point. I wasn’t yelling. I sounded more whiney than anything, but I tried to be stern, and I told her how badly she and the hospital had failed me. I told her exactly what happens when I’m passing a clot, and that the purpose of coming to the hospital is to get injected medication ASAP to HALT THE PAIN, but all they did was dick me around and throw me into a room and let me sit and pass the clot alone in all that pain, when I could have done that on my own at home without the cost of the hospital bill and doctor’s bill.
I told her the pelvic exam HURT and that she should NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.

She started saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I swear, I’m sorry…”

But to me, sorry isn’t good enough. WTF did she go to medical school for? Did she LEARN anything? She’s incompetent.

They’re all incompetent.

Nobody can help me.

I signed off on the “release against doctor’s orders” forms and I slowly staggered out of the E.R. with my man at my side. He took me to the drugstore so we could get me some Pedialite for the dehydration - the hospital NEVER ONCE gave me ANY WATER during the THREE HOURS we were there.

I came home and started gushing again - another clot passed. This time, the pain was moderate instead of severe. I took 1mg Dilaudid and went to bed.

I woke up this morning with the most searing headache and jaw ache ever. I think I grinded my teeth all night from the stress, even though I’d gone to bed listening to the relaxation tapes my friend loaned me. The headache was so bad that I began crying first thing in the morning as my man was getting ready for work. He called work and told them he may not come in today. I made an appointment with the local GYN I’ve been seeing (I’ve long since stopped seeing the GYN who did my surgery because after hormonal suppression failed to work, and I had my first episode of collapsing from the pain since surgery, she pretty much gave up on me).

The GYN I wanted to see today wasn’t available, so they assigned me to another and was told to come in at 10am.
Then they called back a few minutes later and told me that GYN had just got called into surgery. So they rebooked me for tomorrow at 3pm.

I took 1mg Dilaudid and my man warmed up my rice heating pad and got me a glass of Pedialite. I put the heating pad over my head and listened to the relaxation tape, and tried to make the pain go away.

When I woke up at 11am, I still had a headache, but it wasn’t as bad.

I’ve spent the last hour and a half typing up this entry, with frequent breaks because of the headache. I’ve had a bowl of cereal and have been sipping more pedialite. My eyes have officially had it from the light and well they’re still all puffy from all the crying last night.

I’m going back to bed. George just started bleeding again, but it seems mild at the moment. I’ve had no further cramps since about 2am.

When I’m strong again, I’m writing a letter to the hospital and refusing to pay any bills they send to me.

Now I wonder if yesterday’s ragey moment was not due to PMS, but instead due to autoimmune (allergic) reaction.

Every month when I PMS, I get food cravings. Some foods are on my “WILL KILL YOU” list, but I violate that rule once a month for some foods. One of those is “Natural” Cheetos.

Every month, I feel a little queasy whenever I imbibe on the Cheetos. But I looooooove them. I waaaaaaaaaant them. I must has them!

Well, in the midst of working at my biz, and the PMS food cravings, and in full on denial, I didn’t take time to notice the effect that the Cheetos are having on me.

Well, since last night’s episode, I’ve been re-reading all the labels of the food I have in the house before consuming it. So it was with Cheetos today. It doesn’t have MSG like regular Cheetos does, but it does have lactic acid. So that’s three things in one day that I consumed yesterday that has lactic acid: the Cheetos, the deli ham, and the alfredo sauce.

The Cheetos also have something called Torula Yeast.

Yeast.

My body gives a GI reaction with yeast.

I started noming on the Cheetos and played around on the Internet.

TMI WARNING

Within 20 minutes, I had to go to the bathroom - I had immediacy. I had urge. NOW.
Full GI reaction, complete with flushed face and nausea during excretion.

Goddammit.

Why didn’t I notice this before?

Oh yeah. Denial for my precious Cheetos.

*sigh*

Since I’ve been snacking on Cheetos for the past week, it’s highly likely that this is what’s contributed to my forehead and temples breaking out in zits, to my thumb breaking out so bad that it’s bleeding, and to my irritable near-explody episode yesterday.
As I type, my face is now itchy and my thumb is itching again, too.

And I’m feeling irritable again. I can feel raginess welling up.

Ride it out, …ride it out…. lesson finally learned… it’s okay… we move on…

Here are some links to peruse:

Many “natural” foods contain questionable taste additives like yeast extract - by Mike Adams

Hidden Sources of Gluten - from an autism site

Where is MSG Hidden? - truthinlabeling.org

Hidden Sources of MSG - truthinlabeling.org

Last night I had a reaction to food again.

We had made “cup ‘o pizza” again, but this time we used alfredo sauce instead of red spaghetti sauce, and we added shrimp.

Soon after eating, I had diarrhea and felt itchy, especially on my scalp. And my left thumb broke out. I only had one GI episode, but overnight, the thumb worsened. Now it’s so scaley that it’s splitting - the skin is breaking open and bleeding. This is dermatitis - it is a common reaction when there’s a food or chemical allergen present. I normally break out on my left thumb, my right pinky, my scalp, and high up on my facial cheeks - I get perfect round scaley red patches on each cheek if there’s enough of the allergen present in my system.
Right now, I’m just having thumb and scalp issues. The scalp just gets itchy, thank gods. I couldn’t deal with flakey cracking open scalp. Ugh.

When this all started happening last night, I researched the ingredients in the alfredo sauce I’d purchased. I found that it has modified corn starch, lactic acid, and xanthan gum. The pre-packaged deli ham we bought also has lactic acid in it. I’ve never had a reaction to the alfredo sauce before… unless the ingredients have changed.

I researched all those ingredients, and the only one that I consider a suspect at this time is the xanthan gum. However, I’m going to have to do another experiment with all three ingredients - seek them out in food labels and buy them on purpose and consume them one at a time to see if there’s a reaction.

January 6, 2008 Edit: I still haven’t run this experiment, yet.

I was eating Amy’s brand corn tortilla cheese enchiladas, topped with Trader Joe’s jalapeño tortilla chips, when I had a full GI reaction. Started with tightening in the stomach, then full on stomach pain, then nausea, then the rest.

I looked at the box to be sure I got corn instead of flour tortilla enchiladas. It IS corn. Or so it says on the box. Maybe it was a mixup. I have no idea - I ate it all before getting sick. :(

My eyes are glassy and I’m even MORE tired now than I was before. My pulse is normal - they say when the body has an allergic reaction, the pulse can elevate. Hm.
I’m gonna go take a nap.

10pm Edit: It wasn’t the food. This has been going on for five hours now. I decided to look up “withdrawl symptoms” to the hydromorphone (Dilaudid), since I took so much of it, yesterday (well, for me, it was a lot).

Get this! (bold indicates those symptoms I am exhibiting)

The opioid abstinence or withdrawal syndrome is characterized by some or all of the following: restlessness, lacrimation, rhinorrhea, yawning, perspiration, chills, myalgia, mydriasis. Other symptoms also may develop, including: irritability, anxiety, backache, joint pain, weakness, abdominal cramps, insomnia, nausea, anorexia, vomiting, diarrhea, or increased blood pressure, respiratory rate, or heart rate. - rxlist.com

Even as I looked up the symptoms, my right upper arm began twitching, too (it’s noted as a side effect while ON hydromorphone, but for me it could be part of the withdrawl).

Go me.

Another drug I need to fire.

Oh, and george was mostly dead all day today, but returned by 9pm. No pain, yet, just bleeding. But if the pain resumes, and I have this nausea and stomach pain, THEN what do I do?
I seriously might go to ER for injection at that point, cuz I’m seriously done with abusing my stomach right now.

When I was ON the hydromorphone, I had the following side effects that I failed to note until now:

• depressed respiration
• stomach and intestinal gurgling
• low-level nausea
• headache (first withdrawl symptom I had as of late last night)

This blows. I don’t know what else to say.

My allergist/immunologist called me back today and we discussed What Next, since my blood tests came back normal for most allergies, and the thyroid panel was normal again. I told my doc I’d been reading up on hypothyroidism, and that I feel I hit every symptom in the book, and yet my thyroid is normal, so could it be I have a pituitary issue?

He thought for a moment and said it’s possible, and told me this goes outside of what he can help me with. He told me to seek out an endocrinologist. Finally, the green light. So that’s my next move. I had to see the immunologist before the endocrinologist to get this go-ahead. Sucks that I knew in advance that this is the avenue I needed to pursue - I feel I’ve wasted precious time and money, but the insurance company doesn’t like it when patients skip ahead. They need a clear trail to follow.

I’m closer to tying all my health issues together: endometriosis, pancreatitis, gallstones, pituitary or thyroid trouble, allergies… and hell I was born with jaundice, so I know my kidneys have never been robust, either. It’s all tied. I’m closer to finding out what to do to bring balance and healing, or at least better quality of life through improved proper diet, exercise and mindset.

Today while working I ate a handful of chocolate covered espresso beans. Not wanting to eat more, I savored the last one, and kept the bean in my mouth for awhile.

Well, within 90 minutes, I had a racing pulse; 91bpm. I was about to have a panic attack. Yawning or taking controlled breaths did not help, it only made it worse. So my man took me out on errands he had to run, and then we went for an hour walk. My pulse got down to 80. When we got in the door again, my heart rate kicked back up. It’s now at 87bpm.

GAH.

NICE GOING, DUMBASS.

Remember your rule? Caffeine will KILL you?

argh.

Ok, now I’m down to 73bpm.

…and back up to 77bpm within five minutes.

I know it’s likely the caffeine that made my heart race, but I’m still gonna go spend time on endocrineweb.com now, and tomorrow I will call the allergy and immunology doctor back again and ask more questions. I hit every symptom in the book except for the hair loss.

To make my already sucktastic day worse, the meal I so looked forward to tonight ended up causing me much discomfort after I had consumed it.

The meal was Cup ‘o Pizza, based upon the meal by the same name featured in the comedy The Jerk. It’s awesome! For those of us who love love love pizza but can’t have it because of gluten intolerance, this is The Way!

Or so I thought.

Within an hour of eating, my chest and stomach felt like it was expanding so rapidly that I might explode. The internal gas was too slow to come out. It gurgled and raged inside of me, and at times I didn’t know if I’d burst, throw up, or just die on the spot. Laying on my left side only made it worse, when the left side (the side of your body the stomach leans towards) is supposed to be *good* for digestion.

And then the explosive diarrhea.

I emerged from the bathroom and demanded to know what my man had put into the pizza ingredients, because we’d just tried this out for the first time a week ago and I was fine afterwards.

He said he’d added nothing. And then I flashed back to a recent excursion to the grocery, whereby I was pissed off to find that Polish sausage contained yeasts and/or corn syrup. WTF.
So with that flashback in mind, I thought, “Oh no, the pepperoni.”

I shuffled to the fridge, found the pepperoni, and read the ingredients.

IT HAS STARTER CULTURE IN IT, which is a yeast.

THAT’S why my stomach and GI tract have been expanding and grumbling and freaking out.

The reason why my body freaked this time and not last is because my man added double the amount of pepperoni we did last time.

Niiiiice. And I never knew this about sausages before. In fact, I can’t find anything on the web that says sausages and pepperonis are made or have to be made with yeasts. And we got the pre-sliced pepperoni at Trader Joe’s, which I mistakenly assumed would mean the meat would be I dunno… better quality. So of course, I didn’t check the label.

*sigh*

So now I’ve learned yet another lesson.

Want Cup ‘o Pizza? See the local butcher first, ask about how the pepperoni is made, and take it from there. Omit permanently if necessary from recipe.

Ugh.

Haven’t heard back from the doctor’s office on the blood tests for liver, thyroid and other stuff yet.

Went to the immunologist and he needs time to research all that I told him re: endometriosis/pancreatitis/allergies all being linked under the endocrine/immune system trouble I have. He, like me, wants to link everything under one umbrella but says it’s likely not so clear-cut in my case.
He’s going to order blood tests and unfortunately for me this means I have to subject myself to the foods that cause my immune reaction - namely the wheat/gluten/yeast/corn syrup/milk/eggs stuff I’ve been avoiding.
Then the big one I’ve REALLY been avoiding - he wants me to get that colonoscopy I ran away from in 2006 when the other allergist in his office told me to get that done. I chose to just abstain from the offending foods, instead.

But now, since my health is not improving, it’s time to get the dreaded colonoscopy. The reintroduction of the allergens and the prep for the test are the worst parts of the test - not the scope itself. They drug you silly for that. But I’m afraid of ALL the aspects.
*sigh*

On the employment front, this week I had two companies asking for status from me on whether I’d join them or not. The first company is a child care agency. They want me to spend $125 on fingerprinting myself and sending the data to the department of social services. They say they DON’T do that FOR me cuz they’re an AGENCY.
After much venting to my man about all this, he says I should still go for this job, and he’ll help with the financial aspect in getting started.
The second job is an office job. Need I say more? I talked at length with my man and decided finally after two months of hemming and hawing that I do not want to take that job. So I called the guy up. He sounded disappointed, if not outright mad. Too much weirdness personality-wise goes on between him and the rest of the office. It’s severely insecure, I dunno what else to call it. I don’t feel comfortable offering more detail than that. I’m better off without that job.

Wednesday is my man’s birthday - no idea what we’ll do, yet.

Continuing for a moment in the realm of diet, I have NOT been adhering well to my restrictions. Today I had chocolate and rum. Last night and today I had some shrimp. Every day I have a couple of tablespoons of cow’s milk mixed into the yoghurt mixture I make.
Today I was more stressed out than usual these days, because of the two companies wanting to hire me. I don’t WANT to go back to the working world, but I *have* to. My man doesn’t want to support me full time financially anymore while I get the astrology business off the ground. He wants us to have money to get married this year. So I go back to work soon.
In my stress over all that, I ate chocolate and began drinking the rum.

I was listening to streaming online music when suddenly the music stopped and tried to rebuffer. It had done this a couple of times and found its way back to the stream. But then iTunes did something I’ve never experienced before - it LEFT the stream completely and instead of stopping, it began playing music from my general music library. I’ve never had this happen before. The song that came on was Gravity by A Perfect Circle.

Gravity - A Perfect Circle

Lost again
Broken and weary
Unable to find my way
Tail in hand
Dizzy and clearly unable to
Just let this go

I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live

I fell again
Like a baby unable to stand on my own
Tail in hand
Dizzy and clearly unable to just let this go
I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live, I choose to live, I choose to live

Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
Help me survive the bottom

Calm these hands before they
Snare another pill and
Drive another nail down another
needy hole please release me

I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live, I choose to live

I got up from my chair and declared NO, I CAN’T do this, and poured another drink. But after that, I forced myself to chug water and come back to full sobriety and just DEAL with all that was on my plate. I’m not good at dealing with stuff. I love to medicate to mute things that make me nervous or anxious or afraid. But I also believe in synchronicity. And the song stuck with me and had special meaning for me.

Tonight is the New Moon - the moon of new beginnings. So I danced. I had Club Steph with the darkened house and the blue string lights. I held ritual and created energy as it were, with incense aiding me into the dance. I danced until I sweat, until my knees ached (Moon in Capricorn - Capricorn rules the knees), and danced some more. The music was what I call ’swirly’, and not the kind I usually dance to. Usually I need Industrial music. But tonight I needed swirly. Stuff like Dead Can Dance, Tristesse De La Lune, Ivoux, Juno Reactor, and actually, ‘Colours’ by Sisters of Mercy.

Oh, and during my dancing, I got a flood of emotion in my chest and belly, and an image of my Aunt B. So I need to call her and check on her and my uncle tomorrow. He’s the uncle with Stage IV stomach cancer.

Today I hit another milestone in my astrology business. The last milestone was on the 4th when I figured out an industry secret. ;)
And today I also got permission from an independent bookstore to link to them from my business site! I spent at least eight, maybe nine hours at work today porting over changes that a web designer friend gave me. It’s not live yet - I still have nine more areas of the site to change. This would all be so much easier if I knew CSS or had money to pay a webmaster.
Soon. These things will come soon enough.
Today I am proud of my accomplishments in the realm of self employment.

And now I must sleep. I will try not to worry too much for my uncle.

Dear Steph,

You’ve abused your body for far too long. Tonight you had plum wine and you KNOW it has sulfites in it. Your face and chest rashed out. Then you had ice cream. Now you have new uterine and anal pain because it’s all kicking back up anew, just when you thought george went away for a few weeks.

In yet another attempt to get it through to you, it’s time I told you in terms that you may understand better…

chocolate will KILL YOU.

cow’s milk will KILL YOU.

I’ve written out a sign that says similar and put it next to your monitor. I can print more all over the house if it will help.

AS SOON AS YOU START AVOIDING THESE THINGS PERMANENTLY, YOUR HEALTH WILL BEGIN TO IMPROVE.
Your immune system will stop reacting so violently. The Endometriosis definitely hurts less without chocolate, milk, sugar and artificial sweeteners.

And now that it’s public, perhaps your friends can help you ADHERE to these words of caution.

Love,
Steph

P.S. good job on the Budwig Diet. Keep up the good work!

Did you know that Dynasty brand Chinese-style extra hot mustard has wheat in it?

Neither did I.

Well, THAT wasn’t fun.

Yes, even a teaspoon full of mustard on a hotdog, ladies and gentlemen… and it sends my GI tract into HOLY CHRIST WTF mode.

Good times.

I have learned my lesson - always - ESPECIALLY - look at the ingredients on condiments.

I’ve been gluten-free for a year and nine months. You think I’d have learned the ropes by now. Ah well.