I bicycled! And other updatey stuff

Despite having cramps this morning, I did not want to chance taking my car to work, and I had forgotten again to see if there was a quick bus to my workplace…so I bicycled to work. This is the first time in 134 days that I have bicycled! It felt so good. Granted, I live only a mile from my job, but still, any exercise is good exercise. The weather has finally turned from constant winter rain to unseasonably warm and sunny; yesterday it got up to 83°F and today it got up to at least 86°F, so there was no excuse not to bike to work.

Speaking of exercise, I’ve been weight lifting again. Don’t get excited – they’re only 3lb weights. But as I said, any exercise is good exercise. I typically do the weights before bedtime, but I’m trying to get better at lifting when I wake up in the morning, too.

This month has been stressful for three reasons:

  • I’ve been sick all month
  • My father-in-law’s been in the hospital and just underwent a Transmetatarsal Amputation on Monday of this week
  • A classmate who wanted to work with me on the thesis project for graduation has not done anything useful, and I have to fire her.
  • Mercury turned Retrograde yesterday.

 

I detailed my getting sick in this post. I felt like I was getting worse, not better, on that day, but instead of starting in on a new pack of antibiotics, I decided to give it a few more days, since my doctor said the z-pack was supposed to have benefit for 5 days after the last pill. I just didn’t want to have to get a yeast infection. I have enough going on down there as it is with the endo.
I’m still coughing up junk, but not as much. I’m still needing what’s left of my inhaler once a day, usually in the morning. My ears are still clogged and the left ear is still painful, but not all day long anymore. So I guess I’m getting better…

Around about March 25, my arse started bleeding again. Same as it ever was, always a week before my period. It lasts a few days and happens during bowel movements, and then stops.

This week my symptoms were near-debilitating low back pain on Tuesday, and intermittent uterine cramping throughout the day on Wednesday and Thursday. Then last night I went to bed with the heating pad, woke with worsening cramps at 3:30am, took a half Tylenol 3, and went back to bed with the heating pad. This morning when I got up for work, I had moderate low back pain and the pelvic pain was about a 4 on the pain scale.
I kept forgetting to take ibuprofen all damned day, but after biking to work, I felt like I was more limber throughout the day. So that’s excellent.

Regarding my stress level…my father-in-law spent February in the hospital and then in physical therapy rehab after having his left toe amputated. Five years ago, he had his right toe amputated. He has mismanaged his diabetes for 20+ years, and is now shocked that he’s losing digits. When, two weeks after being discharged from rehab he was back in the hospital with another gangrene toe on the left foot, all hell broke loose (again) with his wife.
She told him he can’t come home until he can properly care for himself. Then she went on a previously planned vacation with her son and wasn’t back in time for her husband’s surgery. The surgery was a much agonised-over foot amputation.

His wife got back the day he had surgery, showed up at the hospital once he was out of the recovery room, and then fled in a hissy fit a couple of hours later. I’m the one to thank for that, because I got tired of her talking about him as though he wasn’t in the room with us, bitching about how he doesn’t take care of himself and it’s all his fault he’s back here again (not entirely true – he has a calcified artery in his leg, so no amount of dietary management or exercise was going to stop the toes from dying. She even told me earlier in the day that she was throwing out all of the “liquor”, even though he only has wine in the house. I tried to explain that his occasional glass of wine isn’t what set all this off but she wouldn’t have it.

Sure, yeah, it’s still his fault over time due to gross mismanagement of his illness, but he didn’t do it in the past two weeks as she keeps claiming). Anyway, I told her she and he need to work this out, it’s not for me and my husband to figure out for them. And apparently that’s talking down to her and I was told, “You can’t talk to me like that!” and she fled. Left her husband there, eyes welling with tears. Refused to answer her phone for roughly 15 hours. Wasn’t at the house when we drove by after hanging out in the hospital awhile longer.

I found out later that she’d had a previous marriage and that the guy was an alcoholic who literally drank himself to death. So it seems she’s having a giant triggering flashback that she can’t escape, and she’s projecting her previous marriage partner onto her current partner. Wow, serious mental issues, there. I’m told she refuses to do therapy. The way she freaked out when I said they need to work on their stuff kinda indicates her refusal towards therapy. I dunno. I don’t actually want to talk to her again for awhile.

The other stress I’ve had revolves around continuing homework and internship responsibilities, and the classmate who wanted to work with me on the thesis but who has barely done anything at all towards it. I’m going to see what she produces for the seminar next weekend and then fire her if she doesn’t have enough to show for. Ugh. Hate it. But she can’t take the credit for all my work. I won’t let her.

In the food and drink department, preceding this menstrual cycle, I have imbibed on wine, port and nigori to the point of drunkenness, but not anywhere near the point of making an ass out of myself. I have gorged on chocolate and cheetos – staging a rebellion I guess – I have no excuse. I know these things hurt me and I did it, anyway. I wanted comfort food to deal with everything.

Regarding the astrology thing with Mercury going retrograde – I’ve been feeling the effects of that for the past two weeks. Ugh. It becomes harder for me to control my mouth. It becomes impossible for me not to drink or spend money or in general do unwise things to my body and mind. Most people find astrology to be hogwash. That’s fine, we’re all entitled to our quirks. If you don’t like my quirk, I don’t need to hear about it. Plus, I’m PMSing. Telling me how illogical astrology is will just get you thrown into a pit of rabid weasels.
I’m probably PMSing so badly because of all the junk I’ve been putting into my body. But it’s too late, now. I just have to go through this month and hope all the damage I did isn’t long-lasting in my body tissue.

The PMS is pretty harsh. I’m extremely moody and my body temp is all over the place, but mostly I’m freezing. I just spent a day in hot weather, came home, stripped down to my underwear, and within an hour I was freezing and now I’m still freezing, even though the house is 70°F inside (it’s down to 73°F outside). I’m literally wrapped in a velour blanket. Oh and the cramps are back again, now that I’m cold. Awesome. Good thing I just ordered some leafy green saag from the local Indian restaurant. Oh yeah, spending money again. *sigh*
George will be here officially in a minute – the mucosa changed colour this afternoon.

Lastly, I don’t think I’ve experienced mittelschmerz this month. I know I said the same thing in January and went back on it, and then in February it was difficult to tell for sure because it could have either been dyspareunia or mittelschmerz, or both. This month, I was just too stressed out to remember to record whether I was having mid-cycle pain.

Second laparoscopy pre-op stuff

I was really freaking out over the surgery this time around because it was happening on a waxing moon in Taurus during a Mercury retrograde in Capricorn. I blamed all the communication errors prior to surgery on the Mercury retrograde.

Hell, the night before my surgery, after I’d continually not heard any fine details back from my surgeon, and I had made the decision to ingest magnesium citrate for the bowel prep, the surgeon’s assistant called me and said I didn’t have to do a bowel prep at all!
I told her it was a good thing I’d already ingested half the bottle! She told me I could just stop at that, and whatever happened, happened. She went on to apologise and said she couldn’t understand why the GoLytely bowel prep type products were all prescription. Weak excuse. She then went on to say I could tell my surgeon it was all the assistant’s fault. She apologised again. Then the surgeon’s assistant said there’s controversy over whether to do a bowel prep for any surgery other than a colonoscopy; that if the bowel were nicked during surgery, she’d rather it be solid matter rather than liquid, which would spill into the abdominal cavity and cause sepsis.

I thought two things after this conversation: 1) She was NOT helping with my fretful emotional state, and 2) she’d better not be at odds with my surgeon during my surgery!

The 5oz of magnesium citrate gave me about 4 episodes of diarrhea. I just had urgency – it wasn’t violent or explosive and I did not have major cramps like the surgeon’s assistant had warned. So, FYI – you might be interested in doing 5oz at a time of the stuff. Let the first round happen, then take the remaining 5oz, or not, depending on how cleaned out you feel, if you need to do a bowel prep.

I went to bed probably just shy of midnight the night before my surgery, and woke around 3am with annoying uterine and right side ovarian cramping. At the time, I was exactly a week before my next period, so the cramping is, for me, “normal”.
The pain was estimated to be about a 4 on the pain scale.

When I woke and was getting ready to go out the door early the next morning, the pain had elevated to about a 5.5 on the pain scale. The ride to the hospital was a bit painful, and I was really in need of 800mg Ibuprofen, but I could not have any. I had not been allowed to have any ibuprofen for the week leading up to the surgery (but I forgot and had some that prior Sunday after having walked around all day at a Christmas fair).

Visit to underworld imminent

I was able to enjoy one more night out on the town before calling it quits and admitting to my body shutting down for the next cycle of pain.

Friday April 9, I think I stayed home, cuz all day at work I had been really tired and had low back pain. I had gone to bed at 9pm the night before, and had to be at work much earlier than usual (6:50am vs. 11am earlier that week), so I’m sure some of the fatigue was just because I had to get up so early.

Saturday, my husband and I took a jaunt over to the other side of the Bay and I got an impromptu hair cut to get back the bangs I’ve been missing:

14483

 
Later that evening, we had dinner and discussed what to do that night. My husband wanted to see Rocky Horror Picture Show, but another friend who planned to go with us fell ill. That’s when another friend called and said she and her husband were throwing a hotel party for their one year wedding anniversary. We met up with them for a couple hours in their super awesome Death Star-like suite, then like the rock stars we are, we jetted off to Club Gossip, an 80’s club night, where another friend was having Part One of her birthday weekend celebration.
No pix to share from that night, sorry!

On Sunday, I slept in, and while stretching in bed to wake up, I “blew an ovary”. I swear, that’s what it felt like. I cried out, went fetal and clutched myself, whimpering for a couple minutes. I had right side ovarian and uterine pain for the next two hours. I took it easy on the couch for at least that long. Ugh.
By late Sunday afternoon, I felt well enough to start laundry, but of course, the pelvic pain returned. I pushed through it. I did do three loads of laundry, dangit. My husband and I also went grocery shopping, I cleaned out the fridge, and got some vacuuming done, all despite the pain, which was at a 4 on the scale.

Speaking of pain scales, I’ve been using the Mankoski pain scale, developed by Andrea Mankoski, who also suffers from pelvic pain and did a beautiful service to women by providing a more rational scale than the one normally used by doctors and emergency rooms.

However, I think it may be time for me to turn to another revised pain scale, developed by Allie Brosh, who, when I wrote to her, admitted that she too suffers from endometriosis.

I LOVE her pain scale!

Today I have been at a 4.5 on the Mankoski pain scale, or a 3.5 on the Brosh scale. Here is what 3.5 on Allie Brosh’s scale looks like:

alliebroshpainface3

alliebroshpainface4

 
I needed 600mg of Ibuprofen gel-caps to get through work today, and every time I sit down or lean over, I end up stuck in that position and the pain sets in immediately. I have to move really slowly to try to straighten my back out.
All day today I have felt like I am out of breath. This is “normal” for me when I’m about to be stricken with another endometriosis flare. I call it a flare because I do not suffer symptoms full time – just around the time of my menstrual cycle.

I have also been suffering from anxiety today, despite the fact that groceries are purchased and bills are paid. Oh and yesterday, I thought I might tear my husband’s head off over things that probably don’t normally make me upset. I say probably because right now I have no idea. Who am I again?
Maybe it’s the impending New Moon. Maybe it’s the impending Mercury Retrograde. Maybe it’s the cold, rainy Pacific winter that won’t leave, yet. It rained all day today.
Or maybe it’s just that my hormones are completely whacked because of endometriosis. I need to start drinking the specially prescribed Chinese herbal tea again, now that I’m heading into the next cycle.

Well shit. It’s 8pm. Gotta get some XXTREME NESTING type cleaning done, as well as some cooking, before I attempt to crawl in to work tomorrow.

One week post menses – pain

The weekend after I was feeling better, my husband and I were intimate twice. This resulted in pain for me both during and after, lasting for a day and a half. There was some debris and moderate intermittent cramping.

I wanted to note it here. I forgot what my diet was like that weekend. I know that on the mental front, I was quite manic and it seemed out of the blue. Mercury retrograde was ending, and there was a New Moon. I want to say I was having Irish Tea (caffinated) once daily at lunchtime. I forget if I was eating a lot of chocolate or sweets.

And then of course I have lately been of the mindset that food and drink don’t even need to be recorded because the pain will be there no matter what.

So there it is, recorded – dyspaneuria continues for me.

Blue moon menstrual month of doom

I got my period twice this month, hence a ‘Blue Moon Menstrual Month’. The last time this happened was in April, 2009.
I wonder how often this happens for me…gonna go back and look at the calendar for a minute…

…According to my calendar, I got my period twice in a month for the following months:

June 2006
November 2006
December 2007
June 2008
November 2008
April 2009
October 2009

So it looks like my ‘Blue Moon Month’ occurs twice each year (2007 being the odd year because I had been on hormone therapy after pelvic laparoscopic surgery that year).

For the record, it does not coincide with the Blue Moon for the actual Moon. Those instances were July 2004, June 2007 and December 2009 so far; occurrence averages about every 2.7 years.

Now, since I’m looking at planets, this gets me interested in Astrology, so I looked it up – Jupiter, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto are all still out of whack in the sky. That is to say, all four were Retrograde, and two have since stopped going Retrograde (which means they are now considered Direct).

Jupiter went Direct on October 12, and Pluto went Direct on September 11, but Uranus and Neptune are still completely Retrograde.

Jupiter and Pluto are still playing catch-up and won’t be in their place of Return until December 2009.

Neptune won’t be in its place of Return until February, 2010, and Uranus won’t be in its place of Return until March, 2010.

Why the heck would I consider astrology?, you may ask.

Well! This leads to a much larger discussion, but the short of it is that in the 24 years that I have wrestled with endometriosis, I have tried so many things to try and figure out the why and wherefore of this damned pain, and that includes such strange things as astrology and belief in deities.

The longer answer begins with two statements:

  1. Likely due to my fundamentalist upbringing, I have conditioned my thought process from an early age to leap to punishment to explain why I am in such pain all the time.
  2. Also likely due to my fundamentalist upbringing, I harbour a lot of guilt over having this illness.

With #1, I have a constant unconscious dialogue that begins with asking myself, “What did I do to deserve this?” I answer my question with, “You must have brought it upon yourself, somehow.” I proceed therefore to lay blame to everything from my recent diet, habits, thoughts, illnesses, exposures to contaminants, vitamin intake or lack thereof… you name it. And that’s just on my end.
I also go the pity-party route and blame the environment I grew up in, the birth control pills my mother was taking just before conceiving me (and which she’d been on for something like 12 years straight), the fact that my mother smoked like a chimney throughout and after her pregnancy with me (and still smokes a lot to this day), and my mother’s genes (her mother and sisters all had/have classic symptoms of endometriosis, as do my female cousins).

With #2, I miss a lot of things in life because of this illness. I’ve missed a lot of work, concerts, birthday parties, being there for friends in the hospital, babysitting gigs, charity events, activist events, doctor appointments and more. This leaves me feeling like I’ve flaked on people and let people down. I feel this way because so many people still do not understand much about what it means to live with endometriosis. The clearest example I can give you just happened yesterday:

I awoke on my first year wedding anniversary YESTERDAY and without warning, gushed forth like the bathtub scene in Stephen King’s “Carrie”.
I had barely any symptoms leading up to this menstrual cycle, which was two days early. I had no spotting, no low back pain for days, no intense fatigue, no feeling of having to repeatedly ‘check my undies’ that I get up to 48 hours prior to menses. I had three days of minor right side ovarian cramping. That’s not unusual – sometimes I get that for a week straight, and not even right before my period. The low back pain came in the wee hours before waking yesterday, and I thought it was the bed I’d slept in (we were out of town).

On my fricking wedding anniversary, I bled like a stuck pig and was not prepared in the least for it. I had no pads, no wheelchair, no security blanky and pillow, no rice heating pads.

My plan was to wake, use the bathroom, then snuggle with the husband. Instead, I woke, used the bathroom, and sat crying with my head in my hands, on my first year wedding anniversary.

I began immediately with the blaming dialogue. My husband tried to talk me down, but I’d catch myself returning to the topic over and over again, muttering aloud that this or that could have brought on the pain and bleeding. Everything from all the chocolate we’ve been eating to the half hour we spent in the jacuzzi the night before.

I spent all day high as a kite on Vicoprofen yesterday. We were in Mendocino, hours away from home, and I had refused to be taken home right away. I took the drugs and we visited as many little shops as we could. We ate brunch. We explored one of the cemeteries. We walked out on the bluffs and stood watching the ocean together. We indulged in a chocolate orgy yesterday – we had cake from Mariposa Bakery that we’d brought with us, and I’d gifted my husband with handmade chocolates from Gaslight Emporium in our own hometown, and we bought even more chocolate from a place called Frankie’s, as well as buying truffles from a street vendor.

We left Mendocino when we said we would, and got in some of the last sunset pictures we could on the way out of town. We had decided at the outset of the trip to take Highway 1 home, to enjoy the scenery and the ocean view.

However, my pain ramped up considerably on the way home, and I took a whole Vicoprofen pill in the span of one hour to combat the pain. This was my first time taking that much Vicoprofen at once, cuz I’ve been consuming only half a pill at a time.

What resulted from being on a whole pill of Vicoprofen (7.5mg Vicodin and 200mg Ibuprofen) was very similar to the experience I had when I had taken a whole pill of oxycodone; “I thought I was drowning/suffocating to death. I literally didn’t think I’d make it through the night. That was 5mg though.”

In addition to that, we were on some very twisty/turny ocean-side roads. I had the spins real bad from the medication.

Ibuprofen is a bit of a diuretic, so I continually had to have my husband pull over so I could pee or so I could stand in one place and get some fresh air so as not to vomit. I kept a paper bag in the front seat with me just in case I had to throw up.

The drive, which is supposed to take about 3 hours, took TWICE that because of all the stops I needed, because of how slow I needed us to drive because of the dizziness and nausea, and because of road work (in some areas, there had been mudslides and the road was down to one lane!). What a harrowing experience it was to get home last night.

I cried, I moaned, I begged for my death, I hallucinated.

It didn’t help that due to the season being Autumn, there was a lot of wildlife on or near the roads after dark. I’ve never seen so many deer in my life. There were possums, raccoons, hares, and, I shit you not, there was also a large brown cow sitting on the cliffside next to the road at one point. Just sitting there calmly, chewing as we drove past. I flipped my shit and my husband had to reassure me it was not another hallucination.

I was convinced a deer would land through our windshield before the night was over.

I think the worst trip I ever had prior to this is probably the first time I ever ate a pot brownie. Back then I felt like I was continually going backwards on The Gemini roller coaster. What a horrible night that was.
So last night, on the full pill of Vicoprofen, I felt like I was on a continuous roller coaster from hell – picture a giant wooden roller coaster like The Gemini with steep hills that won’t let you off for six solid hours. That’s what it felt like. Every muscle in my body was tensed to the max, which made the pain worse. I tried and tried to relax. I tried to start with just my eyebrows and I could not do it. That’s when the crying started, really.

We got home around 1:30am, according to my husband. I washed my face, put on my pajamas, and put a few things away that we’d brought in from the car, and prepared for bed. Despite all that I’d gone through, I was lucid enough at that point to be sensitive to my husband’s needs. He was all jacked up from the stress of the ride, too. He was the one having to steer us through all those roads and having to endure my crying and whining (to the point where he just blasted the radio for a long time to drown me out, but I didn’t care that he did that cuz seriously, I was a mess and it was making him a mess).
I warmed up all available heating pads in the house, gave my husband a massage as he sat in front of me on the bed, and then ordered him to take half a Vicoprofen and lay face down on the bed.
Then I put the heating pads all over his back and just let him lay there while I settled into bed.

My husband said that when he woke this morning, he had no trace of back pain, thanks to the care I’d given him. :)

As for me, you know I stayed home from work today. I’ll be staying home from work tomorrow, too. I’ve already called in sick. There’s no way I’m playing the “wait and see” route this time. I need the extra day and I have no false hopes that I “might” not bleed as heavily or be in as much pain tomorrow as I was in today and yesterday.

After 24 years, I’m tired of this constant every month battle of wits, this false notion of “thinking positively and the pain MIGHT go away” bullshit.

The reality of the situation is that I have an incurable illness which is an immune deficiency, which means it ravishes my entire body, and I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS ILLNESS BUT TO LET IT RUN ITS COURSE when the pain flares.

I want to get this through my head as well as through everyone else’s heads – go look at my list again of what I’ve tried over the years.

Eventually we will all have to come to a place of acceptance – that there is no overcoming or beating this illness – only living with it…if we are up for the job.

Some days I wonder how much longer I’ll be up for the job.

The depression continues

Woke up this morning and the first thought that hit my head was:

*looks around bedroom*

*sigh*

“I think I’m ready to go back to work, now.”

All day today, I’ve felt like I’m on the vacation that’s gone on for far too long.

Despite the fact that up until Friday, I’ve not felt like I’ve been on vacation. As a matter of fact, I’ve been working very hard the past four months to get my astrology site to a state where it looks desireable for customers to want to buy a chart and bring their friends and family in.

But I brought this “vacation” mindset upon myself last week when I was cleaning the house and preparing myself for a long weekend with george.

George didn’t show up and I’ve gotten tired of waiting around for him to show up.

The problem with my thoughts this morning of being ready to go back to work is that I didn’t mean, back to work on the astrology business.

I meant, back to work in the traditional sense – working FOR someone FOR a steady paycheck.

However strong my urge was to look for work today, I realise that we’re still in a Mercury retrograde, and for me, that’s bad news when looking for, obtaining or having trouble on a job.

Mercury retrograde doesn’t stop until tomorrow, but Mercury doesn’t end up going forward in the sky until March 10th. Hell if I’m gonna get a traditional job willfully before that date.
Moving forward. That’s what I’d like to do in life.

I just gotta stay patient and remember that george hasn’t hit yet, and I’m still depressed, and to just take it easy on myself. I’m still in downtime. It’s a bad one with a week of emotional hell leading up to george. But I can get through this.

P.S. I’m freezing.

Freezing my arse off, george is late

So, george was due on Thursday.

It is now Sunday night.

I’m freaking out.

My man assures me he feels confident that no accidents have happened the last couple of times we were intimate.

I counted the calendar… had I been on time last month, then this month george would not be due til tomorrow. But of course, I’m worrying. It’s what I do best.

And this freezing thing, I’m fed up with always being so frickin cold! I have on a hat, a sweatshirt over a tee shirt, a pair of sweatpants, a pair of socks and TWO slippers on each foot (one pair fits comfortably inside of my godzilla slippers)… and I’m shivering, nipple poking cold.
The house thermostat is set to 70°F while outside today it was 52°F with bright sunshine all day. But still I froze my ass off.

I took a nap today and woke up shivering DESPITE having FOUR blankets on me.

I’ve had blood tests for thyroid balance done over the years and the tests always come back normal.

I remember last winter was cold in this house, but this winter is fracking freezing. Every day since what, December? I’ve been shuddering cold. Not just chilly – actually goosebumps all over my body, wearing a bathrobe over my sweatshirts and sweatpants or other clothes during the day, dressing for the arctic just to go to bed, wearing a hat to bed, FECKING COLD.

BAH.

In other news, I’m finally making awesome headway on the endometriosis resource center type wesbsite. I spent all day yesterday and today on it. I’m so excited! I have a few more things to do before I release my baby into the wild officially.

I’m still depressed and have not been able to work on the astrology site in earnest since February 11th. That’s about a week of downtime, now.
Great.

:(

Getting back to george for a second – I’ve had mild to moderate george pains for the last few days, even though he’s not here.

Yesterday, the pain came in waves. I’d want to cry – the pain was so dull and low in the uterus (near the bladder is where the endo still remains), and it’s just so, I dunno… it’s painful is all I can say. Then it went away for awhile.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I’ve also been VERY tired the last few days, and I’ve been sleeping in longer in the mornings as a result. This sucks because it is beautiful and sunny outside, and I should be exercising via bicycle or walking, but I’m SO run down.
Despite that, I rode for 20 minutes on the bicycle trainer today. That’s ten minutes down from Monday, February 11th, when I was able to ride for 30 minutes straight. Today however, the 20 minutes I did nearly had me in tears due to the fatigue, and then I had to go take an hour and a half nap!!

Friday night, while putting fresh linens on the bed around 1am, I got a hot flash. I’ve had these associated with my period for years. My Ma has laughed at me about this since I was in my twenties, and always tells me I have no idea what a hot flash is like because only women in menopause get those.

YEAH, LIKE I BELIEVE THAT.

So I was making the bed and the hot flash came on – I was out of breath and my face turned hot, and my hands got real hot, and then the rest of my body followed suit. I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror – my cheeks were bright pink – flushed from the hot flash. I checked my neck and chest – they were fine. I called my man into the bathroom to look at me and he acknowledged the flushed face. I put my hands on the back of his neck – he got wide-eyed! My hands are NEVER hot, they’re always ice cold! HELLO SEE RANT ABOVE ABOUT FREEZING.
So he totally believed me. I took my temperature – it was 98.3°F, which for me is high because I’m always so cold and always at a low body temp – usually something like 97.6°F or 97.9°F.

I stripped off my clothes and got into my PJs and left my socks off. My man looked at me like I was crazy, because at bedtime, like I said, I always bundle up as though I’m camping in the arctic.

The hot flash lasted about 15 minutes and then, just like that, I got the chills and was back to my ‘normal’ lizard-like self. I had to put on my slipper socks and get under the covers.

Yeah, I’ve been getting these hot flashes with or around the time of my period for over ten years, so it’s nothing new in conjunction with the fact that my period has been off last month and this month.

What a pain in the ass. And speaking of that, yes, I’ve been having the ass pains again lately, too.

I’m so glad I got the allergy blood test over with. Did I tell you about that? I’d been eating foods that were bad for me so I could take the dreaded blood test again. The nurse drew seven vials of blood for my allergist! Lordy. Anyway, I’m glad that it’s over – now I can re-calibrate my body back to healthier foods – yeast free, gluten free, sugar free, etc.

Can’t wait for the results of the bloodwork. All of this is to determine how severe my allergies have gotten and if the doctors can tie that to immune disorder and eventually also link the Endometriosis into that. Once I have a SINGLE diagnosis of something like Immune System Disorder or something, rather than buckshot ( dust, mold, food allergies, depression, Endometriosis, environmental irritant sensitivities, hypoglycemia, thyroid issues, etc etc), THEN I will finally start to feel like some progress is being made in treating my entire being, not just symptoms.

Holy crap, my fingers feel numb from the cold. Going to go bundle up further and crank the heat to 74°F.

TMI and work and spiritual stuff

Haven’t heard back from the doctor’s office on the blood tests for liver, thyroid and other stuff yet.

Went to the immunologist and he needs time to research all that I told him re: endometriosis/pancreatitis/allergies all being linked under the endocrine/immune system trouble I have. He, like me, wants to link everything under one umbrella but says it’s likely not so clear-cut in my case.
He’s going to order blood tests and unfortunately for me this means I have to subject myself to the foods that cause my immune reaction – namely the wheat/gluten/yeast/corn syrup/milk/eggs stuff I’ve been avoiding.
Then the big one I’ve REALLY been avoiding – he wants me to get that colonoscopy I ran away from in 2006 when the other allergist in his office told me to get that done. I chose to just abstain from the offending foods, instead.

But now, since my health is not improving, it’s time to get the dreaded colonoscopy. The reintroduction of the allergens and the prep for the test are the worst parts of the test – not the scope itself. They drug you silly for that. But I’m afraid of ALL the aspects.
*sigh*

On the employment front, this week I had two companies asking for status from me on whether I’d join them or not. The first company is a child care agency. They want me to spend $125 on fingerprinting myself and sending the data to the department of social services. They say they DON’T do that FOR me cuz they’re an AGENCY.
After much venting to my man about all this, he says I should still go for this job, and he’ll help with the financial aspect in getting started.
The second job is an office job. Need I say more? I talked at length with my man and decided finally after two months of hemming and hawing that I do not want to take that job. So I called the guy up. He sounded disappointed, if not outright mad. Too much weirdness personality-wise goes on between him and the rest of the office. It’s severely insecure, I dunno what else to call it. I don’t feel comfortable offering more detail than that. I’m better off without that job.

Wednesday is my man’s birthday – no idea what we’ll do, yet.

Continuing for a moment in the realm of diet, I have NOT been adhering well to my restrictions. Today I had chocolate and rum. Last night and today I had some shrimp. Every day I have a couple of tablespoons of cow’s milk mixed into the yoghurt mixture I make.
Today I was more stressed out than usual these days, because of the two companies wanting to hire me. I don’t WANT to go back to the working world, but I *have* to. My man doesn’t want to support me full time financially anymore while I get the astrology business off the ground. He wants us to have money to get married this year. So I go back to work soon.
In my stress over all that, I ate chocolate and began drinking the rum.

I was listening to streaming online music when suddenly the music stopped and tried to rebuffer. It had done this a couple of times and found its way back to the stream. But then iTunes did something I’ve never experienced before – it LEFT the stream completely and instead of stopping, it began playing music from my general music library. I’ve never had this happen before. The song that came on was Gravity by A Perfect Circle.

Gravity – A Perfect Circle

Lost again
Broken and weary
Unable to find my way
Tail in hand
Dizzy and clearly unable to
Just let this go

I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live

I fell again
Like a baby unable to stand on my own
Tail in hand
Dizzy and clearly unable to just let this go
I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live, I choose to live, I choose to live

Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
Help me survive the bottom

Calm these hands before they
Snare another pill and
Drive another nail down another
needy hole please release me

I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live, I choose to live

I got up from my chair and declared NO, I CAN’T do this, and poured another drink. But after that, I forced myself to chug water and come back to full sobriety and just DEAL with all that was on my plate. I’m not good at dealing with stuff. I love to medicate to mute things that make me nervous or anxious or afraid. But I also believe in synchronicity. And the song stuck with me and had special meaning for me.

Tonight is the New Moon – the moon of new beginnings. So I danced. I had Club Steph with the darkened house and the blue string lights. I held ritual and created energy as it were, with incense aiding me into the dance. I danced until I sweat, until my knees ached (Moon in Capricorn – Capricorn rules the knees), and danced some more. The music was what I call ‘swirly’, and not the kind I usually dance to. Usually I need Industrial music. But tonight I needed swirly. Stuff like Dead Can Dance, Tristesse De La Lune, Ivoux, Juno Reactor, and actually, ‘Colours’ by Sisters of Mercy.

Oh, and during my dancing, I got a flood of emotion in my chest and belly, and an image of my Aunt B. So I need to call her and check on her and my uncle tomorrow. He’s the uncle with Stage IV stomach cancer.

Today I hit another milestone in my astrology business. The last milestone was on the 4th when I figured out an industry secret. ;)
And today I also got permission from an independent bookstore to link to them from my business site! I spent at least eight, maybe nine hours at work today porting over changes that a web designer friend gave me. It’s not live yet – I still have nine more areas of the site to change. This would all be so much easier if I knew CSS or had money to pay a webmaster.
Soon. These things will come soon enough.
Today I am proud of my accomplishments in the realm of self employment.

And now I must sleep. I will try not to worry too much for my uncle.

Sick AGAIN.

This is the THIRD time this month that I’m sick. >:(

Last night I went to bed and immediately my stomach began to hurt. I thought, “oh great, I took pain meds on an empty stomach and now it’s killing me.” So I got up and ate a bite of a protein bar, and chugged some water and went back to bed. However, the stomach pain remained, and I even had low-grade nausea.

Woke up this morning to minor george pain in both front and back, but still barely bleeding. And the stomach ache was dulled but still there, as was the nausea.
Late in the morning, my man was on Internet chat and told me he’d be coming home early from work because he felt achey and was slightly nauseous.

GREAT.

That’s when it occurred to me that this was not george up to new tricks – I could actually be sick again.

Pissed off, I sent an email to as many people as I have emails for, who I could remember were at the party on December 25th. There was a household of about 17 of us.

SEVEN of us are ill as of last night or this morning.

It can’t be food poisoning – none of us have diarrhea and we’d have gotten sick sooner than 72 hours after hanging out. Only one person has puked so far. The rest of us have the achey bodies, stomach ache, and are VERY tired/run down. A couple people have been coughing.

Blah.

First I had a bacterial (sinus) infection with george at the beginning of the month. Then it went away. Then it came back and I took antibiotics for it. Then george came back (on time, 27 days later) and a virus hit me.

DECEMBER IS FIRED FOR HEALTH HAZARD.

This makes me not want to go out at all from November to January ever again. :p

On the george front, the bleeding ramped up today. It’s moderate and manageable. I’ve been medicating every 4-6 hours, alternating with Ibuprofen 600mg and Tylenol 3, so the pain too has been manageable. This means that should I become re-employed, I still have to take time off work because of the heavy medicating. That’s okay with me though, but just sayin.

Oh, and I made $100 today for doing charts for a family. And I spoke with a business contact in town, who wants to coordinate advertising with me. And yesterday I emailed a local independent bookstore about linking to them from my biz site. I’m feeling positive about my astrology business. :)

And now… more sleep.

Ok I lied.

Yesterday I said, “I still plan my life, even though the Endometriosis has a good chance of rendering me bedridden. I didn’t put my life on hold for it when my friend was getting married. I didn’t put my life on hold for it when job hunting and scheduling an interview.”

Well, last night I couldn’t fall asleep. It was after midnight and I needed to be in bed because I had a job interview today. I tossed and turned all night. I got up when my alarm went off, and started my day.

A friend who’d read my journal told me to really talk to my doctor about fibroids, she wants me to get an ultrasound to make sure I don’t have that. So I considered that very good advice, and I called my GYN to make an appointment.
She’s not in today – what can they do for me, I’m asked. So I told my story about how I collapsed on Tuesday cuz the pain was so bad. The office basically panicked and they said I should have called 911 if I was alone, it’s REALLY important, there’s PROBABLY something ELSE going on. I was put on hold and when the lady came back to the phone she repeated herself and sounded very scolding at me, and said my surgeon will be disappointed that I jeopardised my life that way. She said I should have called for an ambulance.
Well, my rationale at the time was that the hospital is only 3 blocks away and it would cost me $50 or more which I don’t have right now and don’t want to burden my man with cuz he’s already paying rent and groceries. I can’t rationalise this now of course. I wasn’t thinking correctly at the time because of the pain. I just wanted to die, that’s all I knew. I wanted it over with. So I told the GYN office that at the time, I’d already ingested the two Darvocet – the only thing ER would have been able to do for me is inject something to act quicker on the pain. They reiterated that there could be something ELSE, something WORSE going on with me than just Stage III Endometriosis.

So after I got off the phone with the GYN office, the anxiety swelled to panic proportions. And shortly after that, the nurse assistant called me back and berated me some more!!!! She told me to go to urgent care NOW, as though I was still in massive pain. I tried explaining I’ve not been in pain since Tuesday. She said something else might be wrong and I should have gone, blah blah.

Nice how they handled that. Now I was a panicked mess, and I had a job interview in a few hours, and I was sitting there crying.

WHY?

What is WRONG – it’s just the doctor’s office and they don’t understand. And today is just a job interview. I go on them all the time.

And then I pinpointed it. I’d become AFRAID to leave the house in case the pain came back again today. And part of it was fear instilled from the doctor’s office berating me.

NICE of them.

(Note to my friend: don’t feel bad about referring me and then this happening. It’s nothing to do with you – you’ve been very kind to try to help me find out what else could be wrong).

After I calmed down a bit, I followed my man’s advice and called the job. They were very nice about rescheduling me for next week. So now I had the day free to just Wait For It – and see if the pain would return.

I’ve found it very hard to concentrate all day. I’ve not gotten any work done because I’ve been an anxiety case all day. I’ve been drinking chamomile tea and I took a niacin pill, and I started cleaning up the house a bit.
It’s already 3:30pm and I am not sure if there’s a business meeting tonight. It’s on my calendar but meetup.com says the appt was deleted. So I emailed the people running the show. And I Wait.

Today is all about waiting and anxiety.

…I just looked up my forecast for today in my own astrology software. Today is Mercury Square Mercury, which creates a lot of frenzy and nervous energy. There I have it.
My ruling planet is Mercury so there’s no getting out of it. Ride it, lady. Rescheduling the appointment was a good move on my part. Don’t want to appear scattered and nervous and about to crack on an interview.

…Ah good. I’ll be Venus sextile Moon for my rescheduled interview date. That’s much better. Relations with women (Venus) will require little resistance and effort (sextile) on my part because the day will flow smoothly and emotions will be balanced (Moon) [note: The interview is with a woman].

*big sigh of relief*

It’s all going to be okay.

Today, my job is to take the day as it comes, and not stress myself out, and just let myself finish bleeding and take whatever comes along with it, and not to fear, because if unbearable pain happens again, just call 911. It’s simple. No need to panic.

slow, deep breath in….

and out__________________.

Repeat til calm.