I Will Not Suffer In Silence

The weekend after I was feeling better, my husband and I were intimate twice. This resulted in pain for me both during and after, lasting for a day and a half. There was some debris and moderate intermittent cramping.

I wanted to note it here. I forgot what my diet was like that weekend. I know that on the mental front, I was quite manic and it seemed out of the blue. Mercury retrograde was ending, and there was a New Moon. I want to say I was having Irish Tea (caffinated) once daily at lunchtime. I forget if I was eating a lot of chocolate or sweets.

And then of course I have lately been of the mindset that food and drink don’t even need to be recorded because the pain will be there no matter what.

So there it is, recorded - dyspaneuria continues for me.

I got my period twice this month, hence a ‘Blue Moon Menstrual Month’. The last time this happened was in April, 2009.
I wonder how often this happens for me…gonna go back and look at the calendar for a minute…

…According to my calendar, I got my period twice in a month for the following months:

June 2006
November 2006
December 2007
June 2008
November 2008
April 2009
October 2009

So it looks like my ‘Blue Moon Month’ occurs twice each year (2007 being the odd year because I had been on hormone therapy after pelvic laparoscopic surgery that year).

For the record, it does not coincide with the Blue Moon for the actual Moon. Those instances were July 2004, June 2007 and December 2009 so far; occurrence averages about every 2.7 years.

Now, since I’m looking at planets, this gets me interested in Astrology, so I looked it up - Jupiter, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto are all still out of whack in the sky. That is to say, all four were Retrograde, and two have since stopped going Retrograde (which means they are now considered Direct).

Jupiter went Direct on October 12, and Pluto went Direct on September 11, but Uranus and Neptune are still completely Retrograde.

Jupiter and Pluto are still playing catch-up and won’t be in their place of Return until December 2009.

Neptune won’t be in its place of Return until February, 2010, and Uranus won’t be in its place of Return until March, 2010.

Why the heck would I consider astrology?, you may ask.

Well! This leads to a much larger discussion, but the short of it is that in the 24 years that I have wrestled with endometriosis, I have tried so many things to try and figure out the why and wherefore of this damned pain, and that includes such strange things as astrology and belief in deities.

The longer answer begins with two statements:

1. Likely due to my fundamentalist upbringing, I have conditioned my thought process from an early age to leap to punishment to explain why I am in such pain all the time.
2. Also likely due to my fundamentalist upbringing, I harbour a lot of guilt over having this illness.

With #1, I have a constant unconscious dialogue that begins with asking myself, “What did I do to deserve this?” I answer my question with, “You must have brought it upon yourself, somehow.” I proceed therefore to lay blame to everything from my recent diet, habits, thoughts, illnesses, exposures to contaminants, vitamin intake or lack thereof… you name it. And that’s just on my end.
I also go the pity-party route and blame the environment I grew up in, the birth control pills my mother was taking just before conceiving me (and which she’d been on for something like 12 years straight), the fact that my mother smoked like a chimney throughout and after her pregnancy with me (and still smokes a lot to this day), and my mother’s genes (her mother and sisters all had/have classic symptoms of endometriosis, as do my female cousins).

With #2, I miss a lot of things in life because of this illness. I’ve missed a lot of work, concerts, birthday parties, being there for friends in the hospital, babysitting gigs, charity events, activist events, doctor appointments and more. This leaves me feeling like I’ve flaked on people and let people down. I feel this way because so many people still do not understand much about what it means to live with endometriosis. The clearest example I can give you just happened yesterday:

I awoke on my first year wedding anniversary YESTERDAY and without warning, gushed forth like the bathtub scene in Stephen King’s “Carrie”.
I had barely any symptoms leading up to this menstrual cycle, which was two days early. I had no spotting, no low back pain for days, no intense fatigue, no feeling of having to repeatedly ‘check my undies’ that I get up to 48 hours prior to menses. I had three days of minor right side ovarian cramping. That’s not unusual - sometimes I get that for a week straight, and not even right before my period. The low back pain came in the wee hours before waking yesterday, and I thought it was the bed I’d slept in (we were out of town).

On my fricking wedding anniversary, I bled like a stuck pig and was not prepared in the least for it. I had no pads, no wheelchair, no security blanky and pillow, no rice heating pads.

My plan was to wake, use the bathroom, then snuggle with the husband. Instead, I woke, used the bathroom, and sat crying with my head in my hands, on my first year wedding anniversary.

I began immediately with the blaming dialogue. My husband tried to talk me down, but I’d catch myself returning to the topic over and over again, muttering aloud that this or that could have brought on the pain and bleeding. Everything from all the chocolate we’ve been eating to the half hour we spent in the jacuzzi the night before.

I spent all day high as a kite on Vicoprofen yesterday. We were in Mendocino, hours away from home, and I had refused to be taken home right away. I took the drugs and we visited as many little shops as we could. We ate brunch. We explored one of the cemeteries. We walked out on the bluffs and stood watching the ocean together. We indulged in a chocolate orgy yesterday - we had cake from Mariposa Bakery that we’d brought with us, and I’d gifted my husband with handmade chocolates from Gaslight Emporium in our own hometown, and we bought even more chocolate from a place called Frankie’s, as well as buying truffles from a street vendor.

We left Mendocino when we said we would, and got in some of the last sunset pictures we could on the way out of town. We had decided at the outset of the trip to take Highway 1 home, to enjoy the scenery and the ocean view.

However, my pain ramped up considerably on the way home, and I took a whole Vicoprofen pill in the span of one hour to combat the pain. This was my first time taking that much Vicoprofen at once, cuz I’ve been consuming only half a pill at a time.

What resulted from being on a whole pill of Vicoprofen (7.5mg Vicodin and 200mg Ibuprofen) was very similar to the experience I had when I had taken a whole pill of oxycodone; “I thought I was drowning/suffocating to death. I literally didn’t think I’d make it through the night. That was 5mg though.”

In addition to that, we were on some very twisty/turny ocean-side roads. I had the spins real bad from the medication.

Ibuprofen is a bit of a diuretic, so I continually had to have my husband pull over so I could pee or so I could stand in one place and get some fresh air so as not to vomit. I kept a paper bag in the front seat with me just in case I had to throw up.

The drive, which is supposed to take about 3 hours, took TWICE that because of all the stops I needed, because of how slow I needed us to drive because of the dizziness and nausea, and because of road work (in some areas, there had been mudslides and the road was down to one lane!). What a harrowing experience it was to get home last night.

I cried, I moaned, I begged for my death, I hallucinated.

It didn’t help that due to the season being Autumn, there was a lot of wildlife on or near the roads after dark. I’ve never seen so many deer in my life. There were possums, raccoons, hares, and, I shit you not, there was also a large brown cow sitting on the cliffside next to the road at one point. Just sitting there calmly, chewing as we drove past. I flipped my shit and my husband had to reassure me it was not another hallucination.

I was convinced a deer would land through our windshield before the night was over.

I think the worst trip I ever had prior to this is probably the first time I ever ate a pot brownie. Back then I felt like I was continually going backwards on The Gemini roller coaster. What a horrible night that was.
So last night, on the full pill of Vicoprofen, I felt like I was on a continuous roller coaster from hell - picture a giant wooden roller coaster like The Gemini with steep hills that won’t let you off for six solid hours. That’s what it felt like. Every muscle in my body was tensed to the max, which made the pain worse. I tried and tried to relax. I tried to start with just my eyebrows and I could not do it. That’s when the crying started, really.

We got home around 1:30am, according to my husband. I washed my face, put on my pajamas, and put a few things away that we’d brought in from the car, and prepared for bed. Despite all that I’d gone through, I was lucid enough at that point to be sensitive to my husband’s needs. He was all jacked up from the stress of the ride, too. He was the one having to steer us through all those roads and having to endure my crying and whining (to the point where he just blasted the radio for a long time to drown me out, but I didn’t care that he did that cuz seriously, I was a mess and it was making him a mess).
I warmed up all available heating pads in the house, gave my husband a massage as he sat in front of me on the bed, and then ordered him to take half a Vicoprofen and lay face down on the bed.
Then I put the heating pads all over his back and just let him lay there while I settled into bed.

My husband said that when he woke this morning, he had no trace of back pain, thanks to the care I’d given him. :)

As for me, you know I stayed home from work today. I’ll be staying home from work tomorrow, too. I’ve already called in sick. There’s no way I’m playing the “wait and see” route this time. I need the extra day and I have no false hopes that I “might” not bleed as heavily or be in as much pain tomorrow as I was in today and yesterday.

After 24 years, I’m tired of this constant every month battle of wits, this false notion of “thinking positively and the pain MIGHT go away” bullshit.

The reality of the situation is that I have an incurable illness which is an immune deficiency, which means it ravishes my entire body, and I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS ILLNESS BUT TO LET IT RUN ITS COURSE when the pain flares.

I want to get this through my head as well as through everyone else’s heads - go look at my list again of what I’ve tried over the years.

Eventually we will all have to come to a place of acceptance - that there is no overcoming or beating this illness - only living with it…if we are up for the job.

Some days I wonder how much longer I’ll be up for the job.

Woke up this morning and the first thought that hit my head was:

*looks around bedroom*

*sigh*

“I think I’m ready to go back to work, now.”

All day today, I’ve felt like I’m on the vacation that’s gone on for far too long.

Despite the fact that up until Friday, I’ve not felt like I’ve been on vacation. As a matter of fact, I’ve been working very hard the past four months to get my astrology site to a state where it looks desireable for customers to want to buy a chart and bring their friends and family in.

But I brought this “vacation” mindset upon myself last week when I was cleaning the house and preparing myself for a long weekend with george.

George didn’t show up and I’ve gotten tired of waiting around for him to show up.

The problem with my thoughts this morning of being ready to go back to work is that I didn’t mean, back to work on the astrology business.

I meant, back to work in the traditional sense - working FOR someone FOR a steady paycheck.

However strong my urge was to look for work today, I realise that we’re still in a Mercury retrograde, and for me, that’s bad news when looking for, obtaining or having trouble on a job.

Mercury retrograde doesn’t stop until tomorrow, but Mercury doesn’t end up going forward in the sky until March 10th. Hell if I’m gonna get a traditional job willfully before that date.
Moving forward. That’s what I’d like to do in life.

I just gotta stay patient and remember that george hasn’t hit yet, and I’m still depressed, and to just take it easy on myself. I’m still in downtime. It’s a bad one with a week of emotional hell leading up to george. But I can get through this.

P.S. I’m freezing.

So, george was due on Thursday.

It is now Sunday night.

I’m freaking out.

My man assures me he feels confident that no accidents have happened the last couple of times we were intimate.

I counted the calendar… had I been on time last month, then this month george would not be due til tomorrow. But of course, I’m worrying. It’s what I do best.

And this freezing thing, I’m fed up with always being so frickin cold! I have on a hat, a sweatshirt over a tee shirt, a pair of sweatpants, a pair of socks and TWO slippers on each foot (one pair fits comfortably inside of my godzilla slippers)… and I’m shivering, nipple poking cold.
The house thermostat is set to 70°F while outside today it was 52°F with bright sunshine all day. But still I froze my ass off.

I took a nap today and woke up shivering DESPITE having FOUR blankets on me.

I’ve had blood tests for thyroid balance done over the years and the tests always come back normal.

I remember last winter was cold in this house, but this winter is fracking freezing. Every day since what, December? I’ve been shuddering cold. Not just chilly - actually goosebumps all over my body, wearing a bathrobe over my sweatshirts and sweatpants or other clothes during the day, dressing for the arctic just to go to bed, wearing a hat to bed, FECKING COLD.

BAH.

In other news, I’m finally making awesome headway on the endometriosis resource center type wesbsite. I spent all day yesterday and today on it. I’m so excited! I have a few more things to do before I release my baby into the wild officially.

I’m still depressed and have not been able to work on the astrology site in earnest since February 11th. That’s about a week of downtime, now.
Great.

:(

Getting back to george for a second - I’ve had mild to moderate george pains for the last few days, even though he’s not here.

Yesterday, the pain came in waves. I’d want to cry - the pain was so dull and low in the uterus (near the bladder is where the endo still remains), and it’s just so, I dunno… it’s painful is all I can say. Then it went away for awhile.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I’ve also been VERY tired the last few days, and I’ve been sleeping in longer in the mornings as a result. This sucks because it is beautiful and sunny outside, and I should be exercising via bicycle or walking, but I’m SO run down.
Despite that, I rode for 20 minutes on the bicycle trainer today. That’s ten minutes down from Monday, February 11th, when I was able to ride for 30 minutes straight. Today however, the 20 minutes I did nearly had me in tears due to the fatigue, and then I had to go take an hour and a half nap!!

Friday night, while putting fresh linens on the bed around 1am, I got a hot flash. I’ve had these associated with my period for years. My Ma has laughed at me about this since I was in my twenties, and always tells me I have no idea what a hot flash is like because only women in menopause get those.

YEAH, LIKE I BELIEVE THAT.

So I was making the bed and the hot flash came on - I was out of breath and my face turned hot, and my hands got real hot, and then the rest of my body followed suit. I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror - my cheeks were bright pink - flushed from the hot flash. I checked my neck and chest - they were fine. I called my man into the bathroom to look at me and he acknowledged the flushed face. I put my hands on the back of his neck - he got wide-eyed! My hands are NEVER hot, they’re always ice cold! HELLO SEE RANT ABOVE ABOUT FREEZING.
So he totally believed me. I took my temperature - it was 98.3°F, which for me is high because I’m always so cold and always at a low body temp - usually something like 97.6°F or 97.9°F.

I stripped off my clothes and got into my PJs and left my socks off. My man looked at me like I was crazy, because at bedtime, like I said, I always bundle up as though I’m camping in the arctic.

The hot flash lasted about 15 minutes and then, just like that, I got the chills and was back to my ‘normal’ lizard-like self. I had to put on my slipper socks and get under the covers.

Yeah, I’ve been getting these hot flashes with or around the time of my period for over ten years, so it’s nothing new in conjunction with the fact that my period has been off last month and this month.

What a pain in the ass. And speaking of that, yes, I’ve been having the ass pains again lately, too.

I’m so glad I got the allergy blood test over with. Did I tell you about that? I’d been eating foods that were bad for me so I could take the dreaded blood test again. The nurse drew seven vials of blood for my allergist! Lordy. Anyway, I’m glad that it’s over - now I can re-calibrate my body back to healthier foods - yeast free, gluten free, sugar free, etc.

Can’t wait for the results of the bloodwork. All of this is to determine how severe my allergies have gotten and if the doctors can tie that to immune disorder and eventually also link the Endometriosis into that. Once I have a SINGLE diagnosis of something like Immune System Disorder or something, rather than buckshot ( dust, mold, food allergies, depression, Endometriosis, environmental irritant sensitivities, hypoglycemia, thyroid issues, etc etc), THEN I will finally start to feel like some progress is being made in treating my entire being, not just symptoms.

Holy crap, my fingers feel numb from the cold. Going to go bundle up further and crank the heat to 74°F.

Haven’t heard back from the doctor’s office on the blood tests for liver, thyroid and other stuff yet.

Went to the immunologist and he needs time to research all that I told him re: endometriosis/pancreatitis/allergies all being linked under the endocrine/immune system trouble I have. He, like me, wants to link everything under one umbrella but says it’s likely not so clear-cut in my case.
He’s going to order blood tests and unfortunately for me this means I have to subject myself to the foods that cause my immune reaction - namely the wheat/gluten/yeast/corn syrup/milk/eggs stuff I’ve been avoiding.
Then the big one I’ve REALLY been avoiding - he wants me to get that colonoscopy I ran away from in 2006 when the other allergist in his office told me to get that done. I chose to just abstain from the offending foods, instead.

But now, since my health is not improving, it’s time to get the dreaded colonoscopy. The reintroduction of the allergens and the prep for the test are the worst parts of the test - not the scope itself. They drug you silly for that. But I’m afraid of ALL the aspects.
*sigh*

On the employment front, this week I had two companies asking for status from me on whether I’d join them or not. The first company is a child care agency. They want me to spend $125 on fingerprinting myself and sending the data to the department of social services. They say they DON’T do that FOR me cuz they’re an AGENCY.
After much venting to my man about all this, he says I should still go for this job, and he’ll help with the financial aspect in getting started.
The second job is an office job. Need I say more? I talked at length with my man and decided finally after two months of hemming and hawing that I do not want to take that job. So I called the guy up. He sounded disappointed, if not outright mad. Too much weirdness personality-wise goes on between him and the rest of the office. It’s severely insecure, I dunno what else to call it. I don’t feel comfortable offering more detail than that. I’m better off without that job.

Wednesday is my man’s birthday - no idea what we’ll do, yet.

Continuing for a moment in the realm of diet, I have NOT been adhering well to my restrictions. Today I had chocolate and rum. Last night and today I had some shrimp. Every day I have a couple of tablespoons of cow’s milk mixed into the yoghurt mixture I make.
Today I was more stressed out than usual these days, because of the two companies wanting to hire me. I don’t WANT to go back to the working world, but I *have* to. My man doesn’t want to support me full time financially anymore while I get the astrology business off the ground. He wants us to have money to get married this year. So I go back to work soon.
In my stress over all that, I ate chocolate and began drinking the rum.

I was listening to streaming online music when suddenly the music stopped and tried to rebuffer. It had done this a couple of times and found its way back to the stream. But then iTunes did something I’ve never experienced before - it LEFT the stream completely and instead of stopping, it began playing music from my general music library. I’ve never had this happen before. The song that came on was Gravity by A Perfect Circle.

Gravity - A Perfect Circle

Lost again
Broken and weary
Unable to find my way
Tail in hand
Dizzy and clearly unable to
Just let this go

I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live

I fell again
Like a baby unable to stand on my own
Tail in hand
Dizzy and clearly unable to just let this go
I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live, I choose to live, I choose to live

Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
Help me survive the bottom

Calm these hands before they
Snare another pill and
Drive another nail down another
needy hole please release me

I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live, I choose to live

I got up from my chair and declared NO, I CAN’T do this, and poured another drink. But after that, I forced myself to chug water and come back to full sobriety and just DEAL with all that was on my plate. I’m not good at dealing with stuff. I love to medicate to mute things that make me nervous or anxious or afraid. But I also believe in synchronicity. And the song stuck with me and had special meaning for me.

Tonight is the New Moon - the moon of new beginnings. So I danced. I had Club Steph with the darkened house and the blue string lights. I held ritual and created energy as it were, with incense aiding me into the dance. I danced until I sweat, until my knees ached (Moon in Capricorn - Capricorn rules the knees), and danced some more. The music was what I call ’swirly’, and not the kind I usually dance to. Usually I need Industrial music. But tonight I needed swirly. Stuff like Dead Can Dance, Tristesse De La Lune, Ivoux, Juno Reactor, and actually, ‘Colours’ by Sisters of Mercy.

Oh, and during my dancing, I got a flood of emotion in my chest and belly, and an image of my Aunt B. So I need to call her and check on her and my uncle tomorrow. He’s the uncle with Stage IV stomach cancer.

Today I hit another milestone in my astrology business. The last milestone was on the 4th when I figured out an industry secret. ;)
And today I also got permission from an independent bookstore to link to them from my business site! I spent at least eight, maybe nine hours at work today porting over changes that a web designer friend gave me. It’s not live yet - I still have nine more areas of the site to change. This would all be so much easier if I knew CSS or had money to pay a webmaster.
Soon. These things will come soon enough.
Today I am proud of my accomplishments in the realm of self employment.

And now I must sleep. I will try not to worry too much for my uncle.

This is the THIRD time this month that I’m sick. >:(

Last night I went to bed and immediately my stomach began to hurt. I thought, “oh great, I took pain meds on an empty stomach and now it’s killing me.” So I got up and ate a bite of a protein bar, and chugged some water and went back to bed. However, the stomach pain remained, and I even had low-grade nausea.

Woke up this morning to minor george pain in both front and back, but still barely bleeding. And the stomach ache was dulled but still there, as was the nausea.
Late in the morning, my man was on Internet chat and told me he’d be coming home early from work because he felt achey and was slightly nauseous.

GREAT.

That’s when it occurred to me that this was not george up to new tricks - I could actually be sick again.

Pissed off, I sent an email to as many people as I have emails for, who I could remember were at the party on December 25th. There was a household of about 17 of us.

SEVEN of us are ill as of last night or this morning.

It can’t be food poisoning - none of us have diarrhea and we’d have gotten sick sooner than 72 hours after hanging out. Only one person has puked so far. The rest of us have the achey bodies, stomach ache, and are VERY tired/run down. A couple people have been coughing.

Blah.

First I had a bacterial (sinus) infection with george at the beginning of the month. Then it went away. Then it came back and I took antibiotics for it. Then george came back (on time, 27 days later) and a virus hit me.

DECEMBER IS FIRED FOR HEALTH HAZARD.

This makes me not want to go out at all from November to January ever again. :p

On the george front, the bleeding ramped up today. It’s moderate and manageable. I’ve been medicating every 4-6 hours, alternating with Ibuprofen 600mg and Tylenol 3, so the pain too has been manageable. This means that should I become re-employed, I still have to take time off work because of the heavy medicating. That’s okay with me though, but just sayin.

Oh, and I made $100 today for doing charts for a family. And I spoke with a business contact in town, who wants to coordinate advertising with me. And yesterday I emailed a local independent bookstore about linking to them from my biz site. I’m feeling positive about my astrology business. :)

And now… more sleep.

Yesterday I said, “I still plan my life, even though the Endometriosis has a good chance of rendering me bedridden. I didn’t put my life on hold for it when my friend was getting married. I didn’t put my life on hold for it when job hunting and scheduling an interview.”

Well, last night I couldn’t fall asleep. It was after midnight and I needed to be in bed because I had a job interview today. I tossed and turned all night. I got up when my alarm went off, and started my day.

A friend who’d read my journal told me to really talk to my doctor about fibroids, she wants me to get an ultrasound to make sure I don’t have that. So I considered that very good advice, and I called my GYN to make an appointment.
She’s not in today - what can they do for me, I’m asked. So I told my story about how I collapsed on Tuesday cuz the pain was so bad. The office basically panicked and they said I should have called 911 if I was alone, it’s REALLY important, there’s PROBABLY something ELSE going on. I was put on hold and when the lady came back to the phone she repeated herself and sounded very scolding at me, and said my surgeon will be disappointed that I jeopardised my life that way. She said I should have called for an ambulance.
Well, my rationale at the time was that the hospital is only 3 blocks away and it would cost me $50 or more which I don’t have right now and don’t want to burden my man with cuz he’s already paying rent and groceries. I can’t rationalise this now of course. I wasn’t thinking correctly at the time because of the pain. I just wanted to die, that’s all I knew. I wanted it over with. So I told the GYN office that at the time, I’d already ingested the two Darvocet - the only thing ER would have been able to do for me is inject something to act quicker on the pain. They reiterated that there could be something ELSE, something WORSE going on with me than just Stage III Endometriosis.

So after I got off the phone with the GYN office, the anxiety swelled to panic proportions. And shortly after that, the nurse assistant called me back and berated me some more!!!! She told me to go to urgent care NOW, as though I was still in massive pain. I tried explaining I’ve not been in pain since Tuesday. She said something else might be wrong and I should have gone, blah blah.

Nice how they handled that. Now I was a panicked mess, and I had a job interview in a few hours, and I was sitting there crying.

WHY?

What is WRONG - it’s just the doctor’s office and they don’t understand. And today is just a job interview. I go on them all the time.

And then I pinpointed it. I’d become AFRAID to leave the house in case the pain came back again today. And part of it was fear instilled from the doctor’s office berating me.

NICE of them.

(Note to my friend: don’t feel bad about referring me and then this happening. It’s nothing to do with you - you’ve been very kind to try to help me find out what else could be wrong).

After I calmed down a bit, I followed my man’s advice and called the job. They were very nice about rescheduling me for next week. So now I had the day free to just Wait For It - and see if the pain would return.

I’ve found it very hard to concentrate all day. I’ve not gotten any work done because I’ve been an anxiety case all day. I’ve been drinking chamomile tea and I took a niacin pill, and I started cleaning up the house a bit.
It’s already 3:30pm and I am not sure if there’s a business meeting tonight. It’s on my calendar but meetup.com says the appt was deleted. So I emailed the people running the show. And I Wait.

Today is all about waiting and anxiety.

…I just looked up my forecast for today in my own astrology software. Today is Mercury Square Mercury, which creates a lot of frenzy and nervous energy. There I have it.
My ruling planet is Mercury so there’s no getting out of it. Ride it, lady. Rescheduling the appointment was a good move on my part. Don’t want to appear scattered and nervous and about to crack on an interview.

…Ah good. I’ll be Venus sextile Moon for my rescheduled interview date. That’s much better. Relations with women (Venus) will require little resistance and effort (sextile) on my part because the day will flow smoothly and emotions will be balanced (Moon) [note: The interview is with a woman].

*big sigh of relief*

It’s all going to be okay.

Today, my job is to take the day as it comes, and not stress myself out, and just let myself finish bleeding and take whatever comes along with it, and not to fear, because if unbearable pain happens again, just call 911. It’s simple. No need to panic.

slow, deep breath in….

and out__________________.

Repeat til calm.

Woke up today before my man left for work, and got the day started. I needed to go take care of my friend’s cats, then come home, take a shower, and get to the unemployment office for their mandatory debasing “let’s show you how to look for a job” meeting.

I went outside, got into my car, turned the key in the ignition, and …. nothing.

Panic set in. I waited a few seconds, then tried it again. Nothing. No click, no turning over of the engine, nothing.

My man had already left for work, too.

I called my auto insurance roadside assistance number and explained to them the situation. They radioed a tow truck to give me a jump and if necessary a tow to my mechanic.

Flashing back:
The week I was fired, I’d told my boyfriend that I had a gut feeling that my car was going to break down. I told him my feeling was that it would happen in the next two weeks, which would place the timing between October 10 - October 24. Thankfully no breakdown occurred, but the front left tire has a steady leak that I have to keep filling until I can get off my ass and take the car in to the tire shop. I’ve had other things on my mind so the tire has not taken priority. My man has told me I should get the car into the shop for a tuneup so it doesn’t break down and fulfill my prophecy, but I said “with what money? I have to wait til my first unemployment check unless you want to do it”.
At that point, he should have done it. We talked for months about him assuming financial responsibility when my job would inevitably fire me. He said repeatedly that he had no problems helping out. Well, he didn’t step up.

When I purchased astrology software a couple of weeks ago, I ran a forecast for myself for October/November. I was not shocked when the car thing came up again:

Transit SATURN conjoined natal Mercury
Nov 12 through Nov 30
Daily transportation may be threatened when your car or other vehicles require repairs or need to be replaced.

And again I told my man about this, and again he told me to take the car in, and again I told him unless he was going to pay for it, I couldn’t because I had no money from the state, yet. And he didn’t step up.

That brings us to this morning, when my car broke down, three days ahead of the forecast but I’d already seen it coming with my gut feeling, just wasn’t positive when. I called my man after calling the tow truck and left an angry message about how he needs to step up and take responsibility and don’t wait for me to ask, from now on, it’s HIS car, HIS groceries, HIS health problems, HIS cat maintenance - it’s all HIS and HE must be responsible.

He called me back and gave the equivalent of a kid in trouble with their Ma and told me he understood.

That being dealt with, I called my friend and asked if he could take me to my unemployment appointment if my car required actual work in the shop instead of just a battery. He said he would.
I called my friend who I’m catsitting for and told her I may not be able to get to her cats and why. She had me call her other friends and let them know. I did that as well.

The tow truck arrived after an hour and gave me a jump. I turned off the car after a minute, and tried to restart it.

Dead.

The guy gave me another jump and I called my mechanic. He could see the car today. I drove right over and without any waiting time, he installed a new battery on the spot. Yay! I watched how he did it so that I can do this myself next time.
I used to know how to work on cars, having grown up in The Auto Capital Of The World: Detroit.
But when I moved to California and got a fuel-injected car, I didn’t know how to work on the thing, so I just stopped working on it altogether and took it to the shop or to the dealership whenever I had a problem. So I’ve forgotten everything. I’d love to take classes on auto shop to relearn how to care for my own car.

But I digress.

Once I was back in business with the car, I called my friends back and told them everything was alright - called the standby catsitters back and told them I was on my way over to care for the kitties - they didn’t need to go.

And off I went.

And george swooped in, and lo, he did strike me down. I was halfway to my friend’s house when the pain hit so hard I thought I might die. I got disoriented and therefore lost to a place I know how to get to. At that moment, my man called to check on me. I told him my situation, basically to ask him to be my brains for a minute. He told me to go back home, and that he’d take me over to care for the cats later, that the cats would be okay.

The pain was full on, and now I could feel the squid and the bleeding. Ugh.
I got home, checked the mail, staggered into the house, and took a Darvocet.

I FINALLY got my first check from the unemployment office. <sarcasm>It only took about a month!</sarcasm>

I called the unemployment office and to my surprise, I got through on the first call. I pleaded with them to reschedule my appointment because I was very ill. They said NO, and gave me flashbacks of my former employer. They said if I missed the appointment, I’d be fired cut off - they’d stop payments to me for a week and schedule another phone interview so I could explain myself! Then they’d decide if I could get the week of pay back again! I told them I was fired from my job because of this illness and now they wanted to take my money away???!?!?!
They basically said sorry…yes.

I hung up and cried.

I called my friend back again and asked him again if he could take me to the unemployment office. He said he would, definitely, not a problem at all. I thanked him profusely.

He came and got me and took me to the 12:15pm appointment. I was a wreck by then - disheveled, heating pad on my lap, ashen face, bleary eyes from the medication, clutching my damned forms for the goddamned unemployment office.

I went in and discovered to my benefit that they’d changed policy. No more groups of people in counseling on how to look for a job; now it’s one-on-one, based upon the individual’s current unemployment situation. The lady saw how sick I was and went easy on me. I’d forgotten my Social Security card and so she let me by without it. I’ve already scanned the damned thing anyway and sent it in to the unemployment office, so they have it on record…
She went over the routine on how to use their resources to look for a job, etc etc, and told me that I should also look into state disability to use in conjunction with the unemployment benefits. She said that since I was ‘fired for illness’, I need to mark when I’m too sick for work on my forms. I told her I can still look for work even when sick, I have my laptop in bed. She said yes but I can’t accept a job if one calls on the same day, if I’m sick, and to cover my ass, if the unemployment office finds out, I’d best have the state disability lined up to cover me, otherwise the unemployment office could cut me off for not following the rules.

Ah Christ, people!!!!

So now I look into state disability and see if I’m eligible. I’d looked into this before and my understanding was that I needed to be out nine consecutive days before any benefits would be paid. So I think this lady is full of shit, or doesn’t understand my situation. I’ll have a look again but likely not go with it.

RIGHT. SO.

I got out of the appointment before 12:45pm and my friend dropped me off at home. I staggered into the house and the pain and bleeding ramped up again, so I took another darvocet.

This put me out for the rest of the day. As I was letting the medication take me under, I relaxed my body and begged it to let me out. I seriously just wanted to die.

While I was passed out, the ex-girlfriend of my suicidal friend called and woke me up. I thought it was him so I answered…but it was her. I ended up counselling her for what felt like an hour…and in that time my father and another friend also tried to call.

After I hung up with my friend’s ex, I called my other friend back and left a message, and I called my dad back. He’d wanted to know about the oil spill, but when he heard how horrible I sounded, he asked what was wrong. I told him it was my usual downtime, bedridden from my illness. He softened, sounded worried. He asked if there was anything that could be done. I told him unfortunately no - I’d tried surgery and they couldn’t get all the disease out because it was too close to my bladder and the surgeon didn’t want to puncture my bladder.
I know I’ve told my dad all this before. He just forgets. He’s getting older. I emailed him later and asked if he wanted me to send him any details about my disease so he can understand what’s going on.

I passed out again and my man came home from work by around 6:30pm. I forced myself out of bed and we went to take care of my friend’s cats.

Halfway there, I cried out OH NO STOP!

I’d forgotten the damned keys to her house.

At that point, I told my man I didn’t have the energy to finish the rest of the day. I’d had enough. I’m tired. I just want it all to stop. Please.

He caressed my back and shoulder as he drove. I put my head between my legs and just let my body go limp for awhile as he drove back to our house to get the keys.
Why can’t it just all stop?

My man got the keys and we started off again. We got to our friend’s house and I took care of the cats’ food and water and litter. I puttered about slowly. Then we gave the cats some lovin and brushin and they were all happy and content, and we could go.

Got back home safely. Here I am in bed. Sleeping again soon. Tomorrow is another day. George, that bastard, should be gone and my energy should be back. Tomorrow night there’s a club night going on, and several of my friends want to go.
I can do this. I need to get out. I will be well. I can do this.

George went away yesterday. I was still bleeding moderately up through Saturday, and he finally died down by a lot on Sunday and was nearly gone by yesterday.

Saturday was spent hanging with my friend who’d seen me through my surgery. She’d moved out of state several months ago and just moved back again, so we hung out for the first time since her return and had a lovely time.

Yay for that, but I’m depressed. The rest of this journal entry will be one big, long pity party.

Later Saturday evening, some friends begged me to come out and join them for a pseudo-bachelorette party - I noticed by Saturday that depression was starting to sink in, and with it the old agoraphobia and social anxiety again. But I ended up going out, anyway.
On Sunday, I went to a going-away barbecue near the beach of our island. It was cold and windy and sunny, so I shivered and sunburned. I was SUPER social-anxiety-girl that day, too for some reason. I know some of these people, and I joked that it was an impromptu East Bay gothnic - only selective - because it was for mutual friends moving out of state. But still, my face fried…again. Second time in a friggin month and it’s my own damned fault.

I’d started eating chocolate again over the weekend, too, and now my entire face and neck is broken out in zits along with the damned sunburn.

Sunday night we joined a friend for sushi dinner in his neck of the woods. Even though there were only three of us, my social anxiety was still peaking. I was glad to come back home at the end of the night, but upset that I’d not done any laundry over the weekend.

Yesterday I started working on my astrology site again while doing laundry, and became immediately overwhelmed again by all that still needs to be written. Tonight sealed my failure when I found a site called My Astrology Book, whereby this guy does pretty much what I’ve been trying to do for two years, only he’s much smarter and quicker than I am. I wish I’d never found this site. I found it while doing research on Sun gods. But now it’s too late. I found the site and I want to scrap all the work I’ve done. I’m fatalistic - it’s bred into me. I can’t stop the wallowing, now.

This spiraled me into “what am I going to do with my life come October?”

Then there’s the fact that I just got paid, yet with all the bills due (two credit cards now and rent, mostly), I have $150 to last me for the next 15 days, and this has to cover gas and groceries and laundry. Gas alone is $20 every three days.

Then there’s the fact that I’ve gained a lot of weight again. I’m up into the 160’s again. That’s 20lbs shy from where I started off in April 2006 and it’s because I’ve discovered gluten free carbs and ice cream again and have been pigging out accordingly.

This is all too much for me right now. I’m full on depressed. It’s time for bed in 13 minutes. My neck and shoulders have been locking up again regularly, so I’ve been popping muscle relaxers again, which also contributes to weight gain.

I want out of this. I want a miracle rescue. I want to be taken care of. My man invited me to dinner and a movie tonight. I went over my budget and told him I couldn’t do it. He was sad, hugged me, told me he was sorry, and went off to join his friend for said dinner and movie. I was left jealous and mad, hiding all of this from him of course. I wanted him to say he’d cover me no problem. I want to be taken care of. But he won’t do it. And why should he? But that’s where I’m at right now - weak, vulnerable, giving up, broken morale, left to fend for myself regardless. And there ain’t no one gonna take care of me but me, and I don’t wanna do it. I’m abandoning myself, abdicating responsibility. Why? Aren’t we the makers of our own reality?
Why must I be so overwhelmed? Why can’t I just say ‘oh neat!’ about this astrology site I’ve found, and keep working on mine? Why the jealousy? Why the defeatist attitude? Why the insecurity?

I don’t know. It’s my mom’s fault? I learned it from her? How do I unlearn it when I can’t seem to get past this moment of abject heartbreaking sorrow over my financial and career choices?
I’m not in control of my diet, my finances, my career choices, so I hired a health counselor whom I’ve been paying $150 a month with no noticeable change or benefit yet to be seen. As a matter of fact, since seeing her, I’ve REBELLED quite a bit, especially on the dietary front. I can’t even PAY someone to fix my life.

I know it’s a full moon - this too shall pass, right?

I shall now take deep breaths and go to sleep, and remember that tomorrow is another day, and not only that, but another day closer to the weekend.

Hooray for journaling! I feel somewhat better, now.

Last night on the way home from work, I decided I want to redo my website and journal. I want to create custom rss feeds for my homepage. Failing that last night, I turned to a new journal design, which I’ve also been thinking about lately.

I succeeded with the journal design, at least.

The changes you see before you reflect change in the person as well. I got tired of all the depressing blue and black. I felt I was keeping myself in a cold depressive funk by the very colours and imagery I’d chosen to reflect my personality through this journal.

The new design I’ve picked and tweaked feels warm. I hope my overall tone begins to change as well. I’m tired of being the depressed pessimist with never-ending health problems. I want all that to change in 2007.

October 31st was my New Year’s Eve, and I’d started thinking about what changes I want for myself in the coming year. It took me about two months to even get used to the harsh changes that I plan for myself, and now, tomorrow, on the New Year’s Eve that is more widely acknowledged, I can officially throw the stone out to sea with the things I don’t want anymore.

I’ve realised in the last two months that I’d become an alcoholic again. I’d become chronically depressed again. I acknowledged consciously once more that all I ever talk about are my health problems. I realised that my grudge against my mother’s side of the family was at fever pitch again for no good reason. And then, to drive it all home, between December 17th and December 29th, I sprained my ankle while piss-drunk, threw out my back days later, got a horrible sinus infection, and got my usual debilitating period while still trying to recover from all the other injuries.

My first reaction of course was self pity and depression, along with the fatalist overtones I learned so well from my mother and her family. But I kept thinking of that song, which I’ve had playing on and off in my head for a year now, and of my determination to finally GET IT on a conscious level.

I think I’m finally getting it.

Saturn is retrograde from December 5, 2006 until April 19, 2007.

According to Judy Collins of the Arizona Society of Astrologers, “A retrograde Saturn makes the individual seek a different kind of responsibility and purpose in life. The person may be challenged by either the father or other authority figures to take more responsibility for their actions. Through the past life experiences, they answer their critics with a slow persistence of reaching their goals in life. Where the planet is by house and where it rules shows the area where they will have to strive hard for success. A retrograde Saturn builds the character to accept small gains in the long process of success. Security issues need to be addressed in their present life and only when the ego does not interfere, does the individual feel a sense of peace. Saturn’s sign in the chart is where the person needs to address the demands and responsibilities of life.“.

Well hm. I don’t know how to do chart progressions. I’ve sat here for hours digging through my astrology books, before finally ordering a chart progression online from a site I’ve visited for years.

I do know where Saturn was at the time of my birth, though. Saturn was in the 2nd house of my natal chart. Not a good placement. Spells a life of financial trouble. I was set from day one to grow up in poverty and have financial woes. However, I firmly believe that I chose this path for myself, pre-incarnation.
It’s been a life-long struggle to overcome being so pissed off by my own karmic choice.

With that, I also know I won’t stop talking about my health issues as I continue to find a way to overcome them, but perhaps I can approach it without such a defeatist attitude.

In general, I want to start approaching what’s left of my life in a healthier manner for myself.
And by “what’s left of my life”, I mean exactly that. I have no idea when my life could end. I could live long or I could die before finishing this journal entry.

It feels good to think of letting go. I want to be able to believe that I can achieve letting go in 2007.

Susan Miller of Astrology Zone writes for this month’s Virgo forecast, “The past year has been a tough one for you, due to the eclipses, but you seem to have adjusted well. Pat yourself on the back for having shown so much strength and fortitude in the face of so many challenges, dear Virgo. I raise my glass of champagne to you.”

Thank you.

January 18, 2009 edit: Well the web design is back in black again…because Endometriosis is such a dark place emotionally. And because well, I liked the old style diary page look.