I Will Not Suffer In Silence

Last night on the way home from work, I decided I want to redo my website and journal. I want to create custom rss feeds for my homepage. Failing that last night, I turned to a new journal design, which I’ve also been thinking about lately.

I succeeded with the journal design, at least.

The changes you see before you reflect change in the person as well. I got tired of all the depressing blue and black. I felt I was keeping myself in a cold depressive funk by the very colours and imagery I’d chosen to reflect my personality through this journal.

The new design I’ve picked and tweaked feels warm. I hope my overall tone begins to change as well. I’m tired of being the depressed pessimist with never-ending health problems. I want all that to change in 2007.

October 31st was my New Year’s Eve, and I’d started thinking about what changes I want for myself in the coming year. It took me about two months to even get used to the harsh changes that I plan for myself, and now, tomorrow, on the New Year’s Eve that is more widely acknowledged, I can officially throw the stone out to sea with the things I don’t want anymore.

I’ve realised in the last two months that I’d become an alcoholic again. I’d become chronically depressed again. I acknowledged consciously once more that all I ever talk about are my health problems. I realised that my grudge against my mother’s side of the family was at fever pitch again for no good reason. And then, to drive it all home, between December 17th and December 29th, I sprained my ankle while piss-drunk, threw out my back days later, got a horrible sinus infection, and got my usual debilitating period while still trying to recover from all the other injuries.

My first reaction of course was self pity and depression, along with the fatalist overtones I learned so well from my mother and her family. But I kept thinking of that song, which I’ve had playing on and off in my head for a year now, and of my determination to finally GET IT on a conscious level.

I think I’m finally getting it.

Saturn is retrograde from December 5, 2006 until April 19, 2007.

According to Judy Collins of the Arizona Society of Astrologers, “A retrograde Saturn makes the individual seek a different kind of responsibility and purpose in life. The person may be challenged by either the father or other authority figures to take more responsibility for their actions. Through the past life experiences, they answer their critics with a slow persistence of reaching their goals in life. Where the planet is by house and where it rules shows the area where they will have to strive hard for success. A retrograde Saturn builds the character to accept small gains in the long process of success. Security issues need to be addressed in their present life and only when the ego does not interfere, does the individual feel a sense of peace. Saturn’s sign in the chart is where the person needs to address the demands and responsibilities of life.“.

Well hm. I don’t know how to do chart progressions. I’ve sat here for hours digging through my astrology books, before finally ordering a chart progression online from a site I’ve visited for years.

I do know where Saturn was at the time of my birth, though. Saturn was in the 2nd house of my natal chart. Not a good placement. Spells a life of financial trouble. I was set from day one to grow up in poverty and have financial woes. However, I firmly believe that I chose this path for myself, pre-incarnation.
It’s been a life-long struggle to overcome being so pissed off by my own karmic choice.

With that, I also know I won’t stop talking about my health issues as I continue to find a way to overcome them, but perhaps I can approach it without such a defeatist attitude.

In general, I want to start approaching what’s left of my life in a healthier manner for myself.
And by “what’s left of my life”, I mean exactly that. I have no idea when my life could end. I could live long or I could die before finishing this journal entry.

It feels good to think of letting go. I want to be able to believe that I can achieve letting go in 2007.

Susan Miller of Astrology Zone writes for this month’s Virgo forecast, “The past year has been a tough one for you, due to the eclipses, but you seem to have adjusted well. Pat yourself on the back for having shown so much strength and fortitude in the face of so many challenges, dear Virgo. I raise my glass of champagne to you.”

Thank you.

January 18, 2009 edit: Well the web design is back in black again…because Endometriosis is such a dark place emotionally. And because well, I liked the old style diary page look.

Gah. In the last two days there’s been so much stuff, I dunno where to start.

I guess I’ll start by jotting notes and expounding as time permits.

• george
• diet
• school shootings
• depression
• the co-worker
• job hunting

Last month, after I was out of work for two days in a row due to george, my boss decided that the next time george showed up, we’d ALL take a day off work. I counted the days and predicted that September 14th would be the day I’d need to go out of work sick again, and we kept the schedule clear and warned our patients that we’d be closed that day.

Well, george showed up on Wednesday morning - the day before the planned Day Off. I immediately popped 600mg Ibuprofen and went in to work. I was mostly sluggish at work, and only had a little pain. I took 600mg more of Ibuprofen at lunch and made it through the day. When I got home from work, george let me have it all night and into the planned Day Off, so I did schedule well, after all.

The co-worker has been getting bitten by Karma, lately. She’s so mean to me and then so nice, and mean again. Then when shit happens to her, I’m always nice and understanding. Her youngest daughter’s father showed up at the kid’s school last week to pick her up, only it wasn’t his weekend to get custody of her so the school notified the co-worker, who panicked. I told her to leave immediately and wished her luck, and told her that by law, the school cannot allow the child to leave with the parent who does not have custody, until she gets there and releases the child. I told her I knew this from working in daycare for five years.

The co-worker HUGGED me for that, and left.

Also shitty in the co-worker’s life is that she got pregnant by her current boyfriend. They’d both talked about it, both decided “sure, let’s have a baby, we’ve been dating for two years, why not?”
But as soon as it became reality, the boyfriend said he’d decided he really didn’t want a baby, after all. So she scheduled an abortion.
Again, I was understanding and I told her about my two abortions over a ten year period. We bitched at length about guys not understanding that an abortion is not a trip to the nail salon.
I told her I’d call her to check up on her, and I did, even though I was medicated for my own southern region pain for just my normal monthly period.

I tried to go in to work today, but my boss told me no. She didn’t want to have to deal with me becoming sick with george at work. I had felt well enough this morning and told her I was pretty sure I could get through half the day. She still denied me and told me to stay home.

The woman who originally told me about this job is my masseuse, who used to work for Bosslady.
My masseuse called the office one day and asked to speak to co-worker. They talked for several minutes in the lab. I later found out that co-worker thanked my masseuse for sending me to that job.

THANKED HER.

My masseuse was so awestruck by that comment that she told Boss and Boss told me.

So all this time, I’ve been telling Boss that I know co-worker has a sweet side - I’ve SEEN it - it’s just that we have this huge personality conflict and racial issues that somehow we can’t get around *cough*because of her*cough*, and now we both get to hear about how this girl really feels about me after all the bullshit.

Well, it’s good to know, even if I also know that she’ll be back down my throat and humiliating me again Real Soon Now, because she hasn’t learned to rise out of her anger issues, yet.

Because of the constant emotional turmoil with co-worker, and also because george was nearing, I have been eating REALLY badly. I’ve been constantly eating junk food and drinking pop. I started eating chocolate again, too. This led to depression AND worst of all, the rash between my tits came back. I have yeast overgrowth again from all the sugar intake since June.

So after this weekend, I will once again cut sugar from the diet. And I’m sure to have quite an emotional meltdown with the withdrawls again.
I got through it once, I can get through it again.

My horoscope has been good to me this month, too.
Even the Yahoo! astrological forecast says good things about this month. These two forecasts have given me renewed energy in my job hunt, and last week I began sending out resumes again.
I got a call within a couple of days, and have already had one interview.

The jobs I am applying to are in the tech industry again.

After being outside of the tech industry working for a non-profit and then a mom-and-pop store, I can now see the error of my ways.

In corporate hell, I got spoiled and bratty and princessy. I started to expect to be treated like the company had everything to lose if they mistreated me.

I needed this little setback to see with renewed eyes just how easy I’ve had it these last eight years. Even though I was in job after job after job. Even though I was in one contract after another. I still had it SO good.

Reading Nickel and Dimed during this period away from corporations has also done wonders for opening my eyes (and reminding me what my mother went through and still goes through).

So yeah…I’m going back to the tech industry - to the corporations. And I’m going to save as much money as I can to make sure I don’t end up in the low place anymore, or worse yet, like my Ma, still working the midnight shift at age 62.
And I’m going to be much better behaved than I was at my last two contract jobs in the tech industry.

Hind sight and all that.

Growing is good.

The only thing I haven’t hit on in today’s post is the recent school shootings. I’ve no energy left to tackle that one right now, though.

Time to go lay down again with the heating pad. George better be gone by Sunday - that’s my birthday, dammit!