I Will Not Suffer In Silence

Back on January 21, I saw Dr. Streitfeld, who referred me to Dr. David Adamson, who is a reproductive endocrinologist.
I’ve been leaving messages for his office and for a regular endocrinologist named Dr. Grace Eng, who I tried to see in 2009 but for some reason never got to.

Anyway, today I finally got a live person on the phone at Dr. Adamson’s office, and within seconds my heart was broken, my hopes dashed.

“I’m so sorry, but Dr. Adamson is no longer seeing patients with endometriosis - he only sees patients with endometriosis who are trying to have children.”

I was shocked. I thought some sort of cruel joke was being played on me. I could hardly believe what I’d heard was real. I thought, he’s no longer giving endometriosis patients the time of day UNLESS they want babies?!?!?! What the hell kind of slap in the face is that?!

I kept my voice even and as sweet as the secretary’s voice. I asked if there are any other doctors that Dr. Adamson is referring endo patients to.
I was told he refers patients to Dr. Andrew Cook.
Well thankfully, Dr. Cook is on my short list, so I called his office, next.

I was all set to schedule a new patient visit, when the secretary gave me the lowdown:

They don’t DO insurance - they want prompt payment from my bank account or credit card. But they are happy to submit a claim to Aetna insurance company on my behalf for the rest of the money to maybe be returned to me. From their website, “We believe in health maintenance rather than just control of disease. This type of care is not accommodated in the billing contracts of insurance companies that require a rushed schedule. For this reason, Vital Health does not contract with insurance companies. Vital Health Institute specializes in excellence!”
The first visit is a $200 consultation fee, and if my insurance deductible has not been met, then it will be an additional $395 for the office visit. That’s a total of $595 out of pocket for a single office visit. Then there’s the idea of surgery with this guy, also out of pocket. My first laparoscopy was $19,000 and was covered in large part by Blue Shield, our old insurance plan. My out of pocket cost on that was $1,500.

I told the secretary I’d have to talk it over with my husband and give her a call back.

When I got home, I also remembered that Dr. Streitfeld had said he thinks I could have adenomyosis, which could be detected on a MRI or a PET scan. If I want to skirt around seeing Dr. Cook in the short term, perhaps my current GYN can just send me for a MRI or a PET scan…so I logged into Aetna’s website and looked up the pricing. I did not see PET scans being offered, but MRI is. For in-network, a MRI will cost $1,772. Of that, I am unsure how much my co-pay will be. I had a echocardiogram in 2009, which cost over $4,000. There were two or three insurance adjustments made, and I ended up paying around $470, which is still a lot of money, and took me a year to pay off, because I only make $11/hr and my husband doesn’t like shelling out his own money, even after he assures me he will (but that’s a whole other can of worms).

I sulked.

Here I am, trying to do the best thing for my health; I am trying out alternative therapies, which are costly and out of pocket. I am trying to find a new gynecological surgeon so I can get surgery number two after the first one three years ago never gave me any pain relief, and now I find out that the type of surgery I am interested in (excision vs. cauterisation) is also going to be an out of pocket experience.

On top of that, I have been at my recent job for 10 months with only partial training for the job. This keeps me at assistant status, which keeps my pay low. I need to shell out $1,700 for classes THIS SUMMER, which will bump me up to head teacher, which will increase my salary.

The dilemma is this: stay on the job and take the courses, but continue to miss work each month due to the pain, OR start seeing Dr. Cook, save every penny I can, and get surgery number two, which will require me to take weeks off work to recover from the surgery. When I get back to work, I’ll be playing financial catchup for a year or more.

I even mentioned my financial frustration to my husband in chat when I got home from work.

Me: i’m beginning to feel the reality - i can EITHER start on a new path with a new surgeon and get that second surgery in hopes of long term pain relief, OR i can go to montessori teacher training.
Husband: at least for now?
Me: right
Me: this year
Me: those are my choices
Husband: well, there is the lottery…:/

This exchange left me feeling not only frustrated, but mad.

Before you even think to ask me about credit cards, yes, I have two, and they are already maxed out since our honeymoon in May, 2009, and my having to live off of them since that time because my husband doesn’t like to spend his money to support me. Even though he says he’s fine with it, the money is not there whenever I need it. I had an acupuncture appointment last week, and forgot about it til the last minute. I asked my husband for financial assistance ($50) the night before the appointment, and he got real upset with me. He grudgingly wrote out the check.
On Friday, I asked my husband if it would be possible for him to withdraw up to $100 in cash on Saturday so we could look at what the dispensaries had to offer me in the way of alternative medication. He said yes, and seemed to not have a problem with this. He patted himself on the shoulder that day for supporting Prop 215 “by putting my money where my mouth is”. We got inside the dispensary and I priced out a few items. I wanted to try the butter, the mocha mix and a tincture. The cost would come to just under $60.

My husband told me I could EITHER get the butter OR the tincture. His face went grey with how expensive each was (about $22 and $36 respectively).

So for a man “putting his money where his mouth is”, he withdrew $100 for me to get what I wanted to treat my pain, and then only permitted me to use $28 of it.

This is a man who makes $65,000 MORE than me each year, and he’s suggesting I try the lottery to cover basic needs of raising my income via schooling, and surgery to alleviate or minimise chronic pain.

We have a joint bank account. It has been empty since the honeymoon.

We’ve had several talks - or rather the same talk over and over. Nothing is changing.

He pays all of the rent on our apartment, and he often helps pay for my expensive groceries (see my list of allergies and whatnot). He has taken over the long distance phone bill and the land line bill.

I pay for my cell phone, my auto insurance, some groceries, my two credit card balances, the DSL connection, our renter’s insurance and earthquake insurance. That alone takes up most of my paycheck every two weeks.

My husband is on his way to band practice right now, and I will be asleep when he gets home, so I emailed him, requesting that we have yet another financial talk. If I could only get official confirmation that he will not support me financially, instead of this wishy washy bullshit, then I can formulate a plan to care for myself.

If I am on my own financially, I think it’s best that I just go back to pretending that this is what all women go through every month, and stop trying to treat something which ultimately probably can’t be treated, anyway. I won’t die from my condition. No matter what I’ve tried in the last 23 years, nothing has worked anyway, so why bother to continue trying to fight it. I don’t have anyone but myself to help me financially and emotionally, anyway. Same as it ever was.

George finally showed up last night, but the pain wasn’t so bad.

However, I woke in pain just before 3:30am and had to pace the house for a bit, it hurt so bad. I took a whole Tylenol 3 (as opposed to half, which I often try first) and drank as much water as I could. I microwaved the rice heating pad and went back to bed, where I spent the next half hour whimpering and readjusting my position in bed, until the drugs kicked in and sent me back to sleep.

I was of course groggy when I woke for work at 6:30am. The pain set in again before 7am but I tried to ignore it. I ate my breakfast and prepared something quick for the potluck at school today. I had all evening after work yesterday to get something for the potluck, but I didn’t do it because I was too grumpy and sore to go back out again, and couldn’t decide what to do for the potluck. That’s a major symptom of george - indecisiveness. Whether it’s PMS or endometriosis-related, I don’t know, and don’t care. But I do know that I lack completely the ability to make even the smallest decisions just before and during my period.
So anyway, this morning I ignored the pain and prepared something for the potluck, and set off to work. The pain slammed me on the way in to work. I drove - I did not bicycle to work yesterday or today because of the premenstrual pain I’ve been in.

I brought to work with me two pieces of paper - one from my surgeon and one from my current gynecologist, both saying that I have an incurable stage III illness which leaves me bedridden each month. I requested to speak with the director as soon as I got to work, and told her that until now, I’ve not had to miss work on account of my condition, but as of now, my body is not holding up well, and so it’s time that she knew about it.

The director was pissed. She said, “THIS is why we have the health screen.”

Now, the health screen issue… I started this job only two months ago, in April. I got the health screen and it said I had to have a physical. So I called to get a physical. There were no physical appointments until JUNE. So I took the earliest possible and let the director know.
The director got all in my shit about it and told me that IT’S JUST A HEALTH SCREEN, YOU DON’T NEED A PHYSICAL. She further lectured me about how doctors offices will force you to get a physical because they don’t make any money on just signing a piece of paper certifying me as healthy.
I went back to the doctor’s office and told them I don’t need a physical, just sign the paper to say I can work. They fought it for weeks. Back and forth I went with the doctor and the director, while keeping my appointment for the phsyical.
Then I went out of country on my honeymoon, so I was gone for most of May.
I returned to work and started the fight up again. The doctor’s office finally relented and said they’d sign the health screen only if I include my job description. So I took the paper BACK to the director AGAIN and told her they have to know what job I’m performing to certify me as healthy enough to do it.
So I just got the friggin paperwork yesterday from the director and as she was looking over it she read aloud the part where it says I MUST have a physical if it’s been over a year since my last one. She stopped herself short and her eyes popped out of her head, because she realised what she’s been saying to me the entire time. I just stood there and waited for her to pick up her jaw, then when she said, “OH. OKAY…”, I told her I’m pretty sure I still have my appointment, and will check with the doctor’s office.

This woman is always loud, brash, accusatory, demanding, condescending and lecturing in nature. Always. It bugs the shit outta me.

So today when I went in with my gynecologist notes, I knew there’d be trouble.
When she told me “THIS is why we have the health screen”, it meant point blank, “Had you gotten the paperwork filled out BEFORE we hired you, we could have found out that you have endometriosis and not hired you.”

But there’s no way to do the paperwork BEFORE hiring me, because they needed me to start ASAP and hired me on the spot. I didn’t even have a proper orientation because they needed me on the floor that badly, and I agreed to it.

Implying as she did that she would not have hired me had she known about my condition is against the law, which means I have to contact the labor board again to cover my ass.

I always knew since the first time it happened that I’d have to go back to the labor board again.

After our little chat this morning, I typed up a letter to the director, which referenced the doctor’s notes I gave her, and which also made mention to the FACT that for the two months that I have been working there, I have not missed one day of work due to endometriosis so far. I then mapped out the next four months and the dates that I could possibly miss work due to endometriosis pain. I dated and signed the document, made two copies, and slipped one into her mailbox. She thanked me at the end of the day for having done that.

AT THE END OF THE DAY. Because I stayed at work for the whole day. She even commented as I was leaving, “you’re still here! You did it!” But the fact is, there were no children at school today - it’s teacher week only this week. I took a Tylenol 3 and twice today took 600mg Ibuprofen to get through the work day. I fought to stay awake and fought through the pain all damned day. Every half hour was “I should leave. I really shouldn’t be here.” But I pushed on.
Had children been present, I would have gone home, because I could not have supervised in the state I was in.

Tomorrow I may stay home from work. I won’t know til tomorrow right before I’m supposed to leave for work if I’m going to be able to make it in or not.
And thus begins the “I wonder if I’m fired yet” monthly anxiety and PTSD that has plagued me at two other jobs in the past two years.

I am so tired and weak. I went to bed after 2am and got up at 8:30am. That’s not bad - I usually sleep about 6.5 - 7 hours per night through the week anyway. I’ve been feeling very sore all day - my hips, thighs, knees and ankles hurt. But I did not walk intensely or exercise a lot yesterday. Maybe I’m so sore *because* I’ve not been running around all day since Friday at work?

More likely it is george. He always makes me feel like I’ve been run over by a mack truck. Then again, I’ve not been eating so well, lately. That will do it, too. I’m still waiting for george to show up. My personal computer calendar says he’s due today. The laptop calendar says he was due yesterday. Who knows anymore. My cycle has been off since February.

I have done nothing physically active all day today. Sunday is usually my day to get all the housework and laundry done before the work week begins again. Today there was so much going on and I totally cleared my schedule.

• There was afternoon tea in the backyard, courtesy the neighbor upstairs.
• There was a sheet rock party at a friend’s house - a work party to help him get his new house in order so he and his wife and infant can move in.
• Another neighbor in the back of the house needed help getting her digital converter box all set up because as of last Thursday, broadcast television as we’ve always known it in the U.S. ceased to be. I called the FCC and we got a guy to come out and wire everything up for my neighbor, because I didn’t know how. I have not had regular TV or cable TV for probably six years now, by choice. We just have DVD and VHS hookup when we want it. We did not purchase the digital converter for our home.
• A neighbor two doors down wanted me to babysit her toddler.
• A neighbor almost three blocks down wanted me to babysit her toddler.

I cleared all of it off the schedule because of george. I even asked my husband to go to the grocery for me because I couldn’t even manage that.

Regarding my diet, I’ve not eaten well for over a month. I spent 18 days in the UK and my fingers were cracked open and bleeding from all the gluten and yeast that kept creeping into my diet. Some of it was accidental, some of it was on purpose. I drank whisky because it’s friggin Scotland for chrissakes. You cannot deny me that experience! I had bandaids on no less than four fingers and my fingers were constantly in pain. I put lotion on several times a day to no avail because well, it’s a dermatitis allergic reaction after all.
I also found out that “glucose syrup” is corn syrup and wheat, because the UK has to explain what it is on all their labeling. I had been eating fudge because the UK apparently is known for its fudge. And it seems all the damned fudge has the glucose syrup in it. I didn’t check the label until I was back home in the states. Stupid me!

I know this month’s cycle is going to be crazy, if not downright brutal, because of the way I’ve eaten and all the alcohol I’ve consumed socially over the past month.

So yeah, I’m starting to record what I eat again, and I’m going to have to do more diet elimination again soon to find out why I’m still getting allergic reactions now that I’m back home eating my ‘usual’ diet again.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that despite all the allergy tests I’ve had, despite all the research related to diet and endometriosis, despite my own findings for my body with regards to food sensitivities - none of it has been proven as a direct link to endometriosis pain. I get so sick of the anxiety I suffer over eating something and then wondering if I’ll have immediate pain while menstruating or if my next cycle will be affected by something I ate days or weeks ago that somehow may still be wreaking havoc on my system. None of it has been scientifically proven for my body. It’s all speculation. I need some solid scientific findings for MY body.

And y’know, with how off kilter my diet was, I actually LOST weight on our honeymoon, because of all the hiking we did. And since I’ve been back to work, I bicycle to and from work every day. While at work, I run around with children all day, literally. And I kneel and bend and stand. I’m constantly going. With all that exercise, plus all the constant walking and hiking and climbing we did in the UK for 18 days, you’d think building up muscles and toning myself would have a beneficial effect on my system.
But no.

Hell, I’d be happy to just know whether or not the endo is growing back again, and where, WITHOUT having to have surgery again. Because if someone can say yes, it’s grown back, then I don’t have to feel like I’m going insane or imagining things.

In the meantime, I can’t focus. I started this journal entry around 3pm and it’s taken all day just to get this far.

I rarely take Tylenol 3 to quiet an anxiety brain but tonight I did. I’ve taken Tylenol 3 about three times in the past week before bed because of severe joint and low back pain as related to endometriosis symptoms. Tonight it’s just doing double duty.

Well I wanted to get out to the club for the undead wedding themed party last Friday, but instead, the snotmonster cold I’d been fighting for a week finally caught up with me and killed me dead.

I took it easy for most of the weekend, while trying to get as many chores done as possible. Ugh, no more time, time running out. AIEEEE.

I’m tired of hemorrhaging money. Please, make it stop. Had a minor meltdown at B over this last night.

The cough and snotfest seems to have stopped as of today. I’ve coughed only twice. I spent the weekend drinking tea and water and eating assloads of vitamin C, vitamin B, cal/mag and zinc vitamins.

Although I ran errands on Saturday and Sunday, I feel like it was wasted time, all for naught, nothing accomplished. So frustrating.

The other monster I’ve been trying to keep at bay is the Endometriosis. I’ve exhibited symptoms for two damned weeks now. I blame myself for having a shitty diet because I’ve been under stress of starting a new job and continued “hurry up and wait…GO! AAAIIIIEEEE” on all the chores that need to be done before the end of this month.
When I woke up this morning, the pain was there. I checked myself every ten minutes but no girl do0m. I waited til the last possible minute to get dressed and go out the door cuz I wanted to be sure I didn’t have to call in sick. My body gave me the shaky ’sure, you’re alright’ nod, and off I went to work, zo0m.

It’s been a mellow day here with the baby. I’ve not taken her on a stroller ride outside. My body is shutting down. No energy. So tired. Knees have had it. Pelvic region aching.
I’m still on Motrin twice a day since last week.

Every year a group of friends and I raise money for the San Francisco AIDS Foundation, and we walk 6 miles (10km) for the SF AIDS Walk.

It is fortunate timing for this nanny job, as I have to take the baby on a walk 1-2 times per day. I’ve only forgotten two days so far but I’ve kept a pretty good schedule in general of how far I’ve walked each day. July 2nd was the only day I split up the mileage over two walks. The rest of the time, I’ve only walked the baby in the morning, because it’s been too hot to walk her in the afternoon. Today may be different, as it’s slightly chilly outside. All I have to do is give her some extra bundling.

Keep in mind I only work Tuesdays through Thursdays.

7/2/08 walked approx. 2.5 miles
Can’t recall how far on 7/3/08
Can’t recall how far on 7/8/08
7/9/08 1.6 miles
7/10/08 2.1 miles
7/15/08 2 miles
6pm edit: I walked another 2 miles today with the baby, so 4 miles total. :)

I’m pretty confident that by this Sunday, I’ll be able to do the walk without too much staggering afterwards. ;)

The baby is down for a nap right now, so I’m off to study up on Endometriosis-related stuff. George is due on Monday, July 21st, only six days away. I’m sad that I’ll miss a week of work because of this. I’ve already informed the family as to my condition so that they can get another sitter for that week. Because they only need me three days per week, I need every last cent I earn. The agency has NOT come through for me with further work, yet they acted all mad when I said I couldn’t make it to the company picnic coming up this weekend. Sorry, no.

Oh, almost forgot to mention - I’ve fallen out of practice with Qigong, and my practitioner hasn’t been doing any free sessions because she’s not had enough people to commit. She called me today to tell me that she’s starting up Qigong instruction again, this time on weekends soon in a local-ish library.
Excellent. I can’t wait. I need discipline and to get back into the habit again. This past month, I have treated my body like crap. Worse than crap. I’ve been downright abusive and harmful. Time to stop that. I’ll be doing the liver and kidney cleanse my Qigong practitioner gave me, hopefully starting next weekend. My man handles all the groceries now, and he said next Saturday is the next available time we’ll have any real time together (that’s usually the case - Saturdays are Our Day).

Must. Fix. Body.

I didn’t have pain on Friday morning, though I was still bleeding. So I had really bad pain and bleeding for three days - on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday - this time around. That for me is about right. A five-day cycle overall, with three really bad days.

I did go in to work at the new assignment on Friday. This place is a government-run facility, I’m told. There was order, stability, curriculum, and professional staff. I asked if they’d need me again soon. By lunchtime, they asked me if I really did want to come back, because they saw how well the kids responded to me, and said they liked my work.
Even though I have social phobia with other adults, and even though I felt extremely awkward, I really liked that center so much better than the first one I was assigned to.

By the end of the workday on Friday, I’d had a child plop down in my lap during story time, and another child drew me a card with flowers on it, and yet another child grabbed hold of the back of my shirt and decided to be my shadow during recess. Mad giggling ensued when I turned around and asked who was behind me - she moved with me every time I twisted and turned - obscuring her identity. I figured the only way to get her to let go of my shirt was to climb the monkey bars and go down the slide. It worked - and I “ran” to get away from her again, but she’d catch me every time and we’d have to repeat the scenario. ;) After the second time around, I had upwards of six or seven children playing this game, running after me, giggling like crazy. :)

George went away by Friday evening, and just in time for a cold to settle in. I woke up in the middle of the night with phlegm and a very sore throat. Ugh. I began taking 1,000mg vitamin C and popping the Cold-Eze cough drops again (this cold tried to settle in a week or two ago and I thought I’d fought it off).
I’ve had this sore throat on and off since Friday, and today it turned into a cough. Great. Good thing I have leftover codeine cough syrup from a year or so ago when I was sick. Hopefully I can fend the cold off again.

That’s the risk you take when working with children. Their germs are evil little mutating bastards. I have this saying - “children will kill ya!”

Friday night, my man took me out to dinner at our favourite Thai restaurant, and afterwards, we walked around town a bit.

On Saturday, I attended a friend’s birthday party *and* another friend’s wedding.
Today, we gathered at the bride and groom’s house for brunch, and watched them do the official signing of all the documents. I got to hear funny stories about the groom - I always like to hear families tell such stories. I’m a huge genealogy fan, so hearing anyone’s history, no matter how embarrassing or not, holds a lot of interest for me. I am fond of seeing families together, chatting, hanging out - doing what our family used to do before gramma and grampa moved back to Kentucky and the family fell apart without their parents as a solid rock and anchor nearby.

Bah, but I digress.

It was when we were on our way home from our friends’ house that my cough set in. And now I’m back home again, and I’m depressed all over again. I have our own wedding to continue planning. I feel alone in this planning.

Bleh. I’m so glad I don’t work tomorrow. I’m so glad I insisted on a 32-hour work week. I need tomorrow as a mental health day, and actually, I wonder how much sicker I’ll get with this cold. It’s definitely not helping with my depression. I’ve been depressed since the beginning of June - at least, that’s what my diary says.

I don’t know what else to say. Journaling got a lot off my chest, but I’ve not solved anything and I don’t feel any better emotionally like I usually do through journaling. I don’t know what else I can say or rant about in an attempt to make myself feel better.

Hmmm.

Maybe drinking a lot of alcohol socially over the past two weeks hasn’t helped my depression, either. :p

I know what would make me feel better. Winning the friggin’ lottery would make me feel better. I don’t want to work anymore. I don’t want to worry about rent and bills anymore. I don’t want to stress over wedding finances anymore.

One last thing, just so I have it preserved here - my thumb is doing much better. Ever since yesterday morning, or was it Friday night?… I’ve been constantly applying Curel lotion to my thumb. It’s healing up nicely, and much faster than applying that stupid steroidal ointment I was given from my doctor. I wonder if I’m also allergic to that. Wouldn’t surprise me. My ma is allergic to cortisone, and only found out when she had it injected for back pain. She can’t even have it topically - it makes her rash out and also look like some kind of leper.

Righto, that’s all I got.

While at work yesterday, one of my cow-orkers decided to pick me to vent her lovelife woes to, and asked if we could hang out at lunch. I dig this cow-orker, so I said yes. The entire lunch hour was spent trying to tell me the backstory leading up to the clincher. The entire hour!
Because she didn’t finish her story, it had to be continued, but I didn’t think she’d try to continue it through the rest of MY workday. This is where the line was crossed.

I have major anxiety issues around TIME and I told her this at lunch as soon as she crossed the half-hour mark. Every second of my time is regulated at work. I have exactly 15 minutes for break twice a day and exactly 60 minutes for lunch. I have to be back in my seat at the appropriate time and ready to take calls or I stress out because management says they log into our machines when we are NOT on time, to see what we are doing. I don’t care if she doesn’t care about her time at work. That’s not my problem. But don’t make your bad habits MY problem, y’know? I had to tell her several times to go back to her desk or that I’d reply to her chat messages as soon as I could.

She’s my age but I felt like I was counselling a high schooler.

The argument could be made that I ALLOWED my time to be owned by this girl, and that is correct. I was trying to be a good listener. She sought me out. But after awhile it crossed the line is all, and I don’t always know how to stop it while in the midst of it. It’s only after the injury that I can look back and see where things should have been reigned in.

*sigh*

So I came home last night and was still depressed in general. I was worn out from my cow-orker but depressed because of PMS. Two different things intersecting. I took a muscle relaxer because my upper back and neck were stiff yet again, and the joints aching. I plopped down in front of the TV to finish watching Berkeley Square.

When I was finished watching TV, I began sobbing. I was mad at the TV series. I was mad at the fact that I’ve just accepted full time employment with the job that’s so far away. I was depressed because I spent a lot of money in the past week and I should be saving it because I owe on two personal loans. I was mad that there was no one to go clubbing with - and no club night last night anyway. I cried because I missed my boyfriend. I cried because Friday was my grandmother’s birthday (She’s been dead for 21 years though). I cried because I was alone while a party went on next door. I cried because I’m afraid of being in pain again this month from george, who I thought was due yesterday but is really due today. Related to that, I cried because I’m afraid I’ll miss more work this month from george pain, even though I’ve just had surgery - people at work think I’m all better now. They don’t understand.

I woke up this morning after having two nightmares. The first involved being witness to three people being murdered by a psychopath and being made into sausage. The second involved me getting away from a male - I hurt him and caused him to bleed heavily when I thought I was being attacked. He came after me. Someone shot him or otherwise splattered him, and I looked back and saw a lung gush with massive amounts of blood out of the guy’s mouth. I looked in horror as I realised I’d be blamed for the guy’s death and people would never know I was the one who was attacked.

I suspect too that the muscle relaxers I’ve been taking before bed this week have had a CNS Depressant effect on me, further irritating my already fragile emotions which are a result in my opinion of continued post-op blues and PMS.

Regarding post-op developments…
My belly button and the area just below the button are still painful to the touch and still bruised inside. I still have the three raised scabs. It’s still painful to lay on my stomach, and sometimes hurts when I roll over onto my side, or if I get up out of bed too quick. I keep forgetting to adhere to the rule against picking up heavy things, but I haven’t tried to pick up a computer monitor or anything stupid like that. ;)
So healing continues to go well.

I’m just impatient for george to show up and leave already, and I’m worrying about the birth control pill’s side effects.

Today I finally received a full time job offer from the company I’m temping at! I’m happy and sad for a few reasons. I’m happy because it means I kick ass, otherwise they wouldn’t have hired me. And today, my co-worker teased me about taking the most phone calls of anyone on the team AGAIN yesterday, on my first day back to work, even. I took 66 calls and he only got 60 calls. He said he’s made it his personal plan to beat my record. Go me!
Now if only I could beat the guy who takes the most calls out of ALL the teams…

So I’ve been feeling a bit confident.

I’m also happy because even though it’s still at-will employment, it feels like a step up from being a temporary employee through an agency. My dignity has been restored, shall we say.

Too, I’m happy because now I qualify for my own health insurance, overtime pay on holidays, as well as paid time off (PTO).

I’m sad because I didn’t get a raise out of it. I was so hoping to be paid over $20/hr again. I guess those days are gone for tech support people.

I’m also sad because it feels like I’m committing to this place, which is still giving me anxiety attacks due to having to radically shift my hours around the job, as well as drive so far to work and back each day. I just have to remind myself of the at-will policy and have the ‘no hard feelings’ attitude so I can resume my search for a job closer to home.

On the post-op front, my belly button remains the hardest area to heal because of the waistband on clothing, no matter how loose. I try to hike up or push down, but since I have a bit of a belly, the waist band ends back up around the navel area. The incisions are still scabbed over, as they have been since day one of post-op. They started to itch about four days ago - wish I would have recorded exactly when. The itching is of course good and means the healing is coming along fine.

My gums still hurt from the intubation incident, and now the pain has spread to my teeth on that side of my mouth (the right side). Now I worry I have a jaw infection. Ugh. I’ll see a dentist if the pain gets much worse.

The cankre sore on the inside of my lip went away by last night, and I would largely like to thank the soy sauce I consumed with sushi on Saturday! It stung like hell but the salt is what I needed. I had been using Benzocaine but failed to use the tried and true standby - a salt wash. Must stop relying on pharmaceuticals!!

As of today, my back has really started to hurt again. It’s locking up from sitting all day at work at a desk again. At least when I’m home, I can get up and move around throughout the day. At work, I’m chained to a headset for several hours at a stretch, and I’m squished up against the cubicle so I can’t really stand up much and work, or my ass hits the cube wall (there’s four desks in the cube and they all face each other, so our seats are all squished up against the walls of the cube).

Last news of the day - I hate to make it last news because it’s so cool, but I forgot to announce it on Sunday: both of my nephews, aged nine and twelve, made it to the state finals in wrestling for their age divisions, and the nine-year-old WON the state title for his division! I’m not a big sports fan but these are my nephews, so naturally I’m all proud. I gotta send them something this week to congratulate them.

Yesterday was my first real day out! My friend sherpa rode the train over, and we picked her up at the station. From there we went to breakfast and then went thrift store shopping to get me some drawstring pants and extra large skirts to get me through this week at work. Three different stores provided me with three skirts and a pair of pants. I probably should have looked for more drawstring pants, elsewhere. Everything was pretty scary, though. We’d have had to go into Oakland to continue thrifting, as I’m pretty sure we’d run out of local thrift shops. I was starting to fade already.

For a bit of a break, we went to Julie’s Tea for scones and tea as planned. I realised that I owed my man for breakfast, so I bought him coffee and scones, and I had some Jasmine tea with scones (did I tell you? I can eat scones! They don’t have enough gluten in them to make my body freak out! YAY!). We lounged in comfy chairs and talked away while enjoying those lovely nibbly things.

Rejuvinated, we were back on our way and splurged at the local used toy store, where I got three more figurines to adorn my computer with. Someday I’ll take a picture of my computer décor…

At this point, I felt bad for all the money I was starting to spend, and I cut myself off. Not only that, but I was starting to fade again. I’d had a big day, and there was still the evening ahead! So we made one last stop at the auto parts store for my car, and took sherpa back to the train station, and headed home for a nap.
I really did need the nap.

I awoke on time to be messaged by another friend who wanted to hang out. We invited our friends to dinner, but they didn’t want to travel that far, so we made arrangements to hang out afterwards.
I was whisked away to our favourite sushi joint, some 40 miles away (our favourite until we find something better, and admittedly, we’ve not scoured all the sushi to be had in Alameda, Oakland, or San Francisco, yet).
I fed until I was about to pop, and for me that’s usually about five nigiri plates worth. Last night, it was four. We’d also had saké to drink with dinner, and plum wine at the end of dinner. On the ride home, I slept!

We got home and within twenty minutes, our friends arrived. I was ready for bed at this point, having had such an energetic day for the first time in about two weeks. I settled into a chair and we chatted, and then broke out our newest favourite game - Redneck Life.
We had a great time! I had some more liquour to drink, and laughed quite a lot with my friends. I got buzzed but not drunk, and realised my stomach was really starting to hurt from all the bending forward to move game pieces and laughing. I started drinking water to move the alcohol through my system. By the end of the game, it was 2am, and my stomach and abdomen hurt pretty badly. It felt like I’d done too many situps. I wanted to take pain medication but I couldn’t because of the alcohol in my system.
Our guests bid us good night, and I whimpered as I put myself to bed.

This morning, I woke up and was still a bit sore, but we had yet another outing planned. We went to breakfast with two more friends, and then returned home. I badly wanted to lay about for the rest of the day, but I needed to do laundry for work, and take care of my car.

Someone else in the house also needs to do laundry, as her cat has been sick and her toilet overflowed this morning, so it will end up taking me most of the day to do laundry. Ah well. I dig my housemates, though. I’m not sure what the proper word for them is. I’d say ‘neighbors’ is probably appropriate, but we all live in the same huge victorian house. Even though each of us has our own private entrance with no common room, we’re still all living under one roof in this huge house. So I tend to use the term ‘housemates’ to refer to people in the other five units.

I also need to get gas and withdraw money to pay back my honey for breakfast this morning, and prepare the week’s allotment of bridge toll. Oi, work starts tomorrow again! I’m nervous. I hope I make it through the week okay, without having to come home early.
Tomorrow I’m also supposed to find out if I’ve been hired full time or not. I will be taking some anti-anxiety meds to get to sleep tonight!

The week after next is a four-day week due to Presidents’ Day. I’d have grimaced at the lack of pay for another day, but george is already due by that day, anyway, so I’ll likely need a day off, anyway.

As soon as I start bleeding, I’m supposed to start taking the birth control pill for “ovarian suppression”. There’s another bit of stress for me - I hope I don’t have complications that would warrant time off work.

Lastly, I want to complain that my throat is STILL sore, but my gums are healing up nicely. I am still spitting up a little phlegm, and therefore still fighting off illness. This is yet another thing that worries me with regards to the possibility of missing more work. I hope it doesn’t erupt into full blown illness. The flu is also going around, and several of my friends and one of my housemates has contracted it - they all say that it’s the worst flu they’ve had in years, and that it takes over a week to even begin feeling like they’re not on their death bed any longer. UGH. Stay away!

On Saturday, I found out my friend was going to have surgery for a herniated disc in a few days, and she was having trouble with her doctors and workplace. The meds she had weren’t helping with the pain. We arranged for her housemate to come over and pick up some extra pain meds my man has leftover from his throat surgery last year.

I was thoroughly guilt-wracked by being home from work yesterday, and very impatient to be healed already. I kept pondering whether I should just go into work by Wednesday. Hell I’m *still* pondering that. I’m nervous as hell as to whether they’ll decide to let me go like the book scanning job wanted to do, because of missing too many days, even though I told the former job from time of interview that I have Endo issues. By the way, that same former job is now pulling the same shit with my above-mentioned friend because SHE has missed a lot of work recently due to major medical issues. Unlike me however, she went to the Labor Board. I hope she wins her case…even moreso because SHE is the one who raised their numbers by 200% or more in the time she’s been there (which is not even a year, yet). And they have the audacity to treat her like this. Grrrr!!!

Anyway, I knew this week would be challenging to my antsy, impatient, guilty mindset regarding work. I can’t stand the idea of being behind financially again. I don’t know what I’ll do if I become unemployed again. I’m living in fear again. I know all this. This week is my week to overcome these fears, or at least subdue them. Right now I’m subduing. I took a Xanax.