Wow the hormonal imbalance is really working itself today. I have no time to write with my usual grace. It’s already past my bedtime.

Today I felt angsty. I got home from work, hopped on my bike and rode half a mile to the post office, went to bank - can’t cash checks cuz husband let the joint acct lapse w/ no cash in it. I let him have it.
Went to grocery anyway and spent the $20 i had on me. rode home, told hubby i need more groceries.
Drove instead of rode bike to work cuz I’m still crippled from going dancing Monday night.
I did 1.5 hours of after hours daycare at work while some parents had a meeting. i watched five kids. one escaped immediately down the hall and was returned by his mother. i felt like a total failure. apologised profusely. while watching the kids, i had stabby right side ovarian pain again. lasted only a couple minutes.

got home, felt ragey. changed litter box, emptied trash, readied recyclables, emptied and reloaded dishwasher, made a batch of 7 vegetable soup, made a batch of thai coconut soup, baked some chicken breasts.

ate some thai soup, popped a tylenol 3 and 600mg ibuprofen because the joint pain warranted it.

The premenstrual rage and XXTREME NESTING (i.e. cleaning frenzy) isn’t always this bad, but it’s not unusual for me, either.
There’s been food cravings, too. I’ve gone through two bags of gluten free chocolate chip cookies in the past 7 days.

Going to shower and go to bed, now.

So here we are, two days before my next period - a.k.a. my next bedridden vacuum of lost time, lost fun, lost sunny warm days. It’s supposed to be in the 70s for the next several days!

But let’s go back a few days to get caught up again. I last wrote on Sunday. I was able to be intimate with my husband that morning! Amazing, after the really bad pain I was in the day before. I hung out with my husband Sunday afternoon, since he skipped band practice. It was lovely, warm and sunny outside.

Monday night, my husband and I went out dancing! We’d been looking forward to this, as it was the 17-year anniversary of our favourite goth club. It was packed and the music was good. I danced until every bone in my body ached, which didn’t take very long, and then I danced some more. What a workout!
It was about an hour into our night out when the right side ovarian stabby pain returned. I thought the night would be over, but I pushed through it. The pain was intermittent, though. Just a bit of tightening and stabbing for a few minutes every now and then. We got home sometime after 3am. I showered and went to bed, and I was up for work by 7am, because I’m insane. I only do this once a year, trust me.

Yesterday at work was painful in the sense of sleep deprivation, but I had no pelvic pain at all. Of course, I’m in all kinds of joint pain, especially my knees. I am officially diagnosed with osteoarthritis and chondromalacia patella (as a child, I was not allowed to perform certain gym activities, including any where I had to sit on my knees or bend the knees back for too long a time). The joint pain and knee pain is nothing compared to an ovarian cyst, and an ovarian cyst is similar but still not as bad as endometriosis.

There have been discussions on LiveJournal (see the comments to this post). I want to keep the discussion going, because we endo patients really do have a skewed sense of pain compared to the ‘normal’ population.

When I got home from work just before 4pm, I went to bed and didn’t get up until 9pm. I watched the latest episode of LOST with my husband at our neighbor’s house (cuz we don’t have cable, satellite or regular TV hookup by choice), and came back home and crawled right back into bed. I read for a bit before falling asleep again.

Woke up this morning in a lot of joint pain, with the added pelvic pain again. I had taken a Tylenol 3 before bed, and this morning I’m already on 600mg ibuprofen and rocking back and forth to get limber for the day. I’m doing large hip circles to loosen up the pelvic region. The pelvic pain is not ovarian - it is uterine - because I’m due to menstruate in the next 48 hours.

We’ll see how it all turns out…

Yesterday was the worst pain day, yet. I took a total of 2 Tylenol 3 plus 1,400mg Ibuprofen to get through the day yesterday. The pain was stabby and sharp at times, continuous and gnawing all of the time. I would estimate the pain was at a 7 on the pain scale all day yesterday. I had moments where it spiked to 8 on the scale. I had low grade nausea for much of the day.

Still, not wanting to have my warm sunny weekend taken away from me, I ventured out of the house to go to the post office and to the bank. Within the first 200 feet, I was grunting from the pain. Every single step was painful, but I pushed on to my car and drove to the errands I had to do. On a day like this, I should be riding the half mile to the post office and the bank, but I was in such pain that I had to drive it. When I came home, I was near tears from the pain, and that’s when I began the serious medicating for the day.

My husband drove us wherever we needed to go for the rest of the day. I did NOT want to stay indoors and lose another sunny day - I lose too many per year from chronic pelvic pain.

We went to a local dispensary to see what free services I could get under my Prop 215 card, since the cannabis is not working to lessen the pain. They have Reiki, acupuncture, hypnotherapy, and other stuff, but most of the classes are booked up, so I had to get on the waiting lists.

I think it was while we were on our way to the dispensary I suddenly realised that all this pain is likely due to an ovarian cyst, because the pain has been so focused on the right lower quadrant of my pelvic region, and has been stabby, and I had been nauseated all day.

Then we went on to our favourite coffee stop (Peerless - as opposed to Julie’s our favourite coffee and tea house - where we would actually be able to sit and stay awhile), then we went to the AT&T store to finally activate the iPhone my husband gave me so long ago. From there we went to Ikea to look for a bed frame but that was a bust. While we were at Ikea, I saw so many people in wheelchairs, and I REALLY wanted mine at that moment. Other pedestrians in the store were impatient by how slow I was walking, and would brush past me quickly. This made me want to cry, or worse, shout at them that I’m in a lot of pain and to leave me the hell alone.

I have a wheelchair but I refused to bring it with me yesterday because I’m still too proud to use it unless I’m in crying pain. Of course, when I’m in crying pain, I don’t actually leave the house, heh…so I have GOT to learn to not be embarrassed to use the wheelchair when I need it. And yesterday I really needed it.

After Ikea, we went to Endgame, then came back home, ate some dinner, and then went to a friend’s house for impromptu game night. I sat in the most comfy chair I could (a computer chair), but still was in a lot of pain, and had to get up and move around a lot.

With an ovarian cyst, the large hip circles don’t really work - in fact, I think they cause more pain.

When I got home, I had shooting pains on the left side, but higher up - like above the ovary or further. I used the bathroom and when I wiped, I found a dime-sized amount of bright yellow mucus.
This morning when I woke, I had clear, thick, abundant vaginal discharge, and I am no longer in any pelvic pain.

For me, I think this means I really did have an ovarian cyst, and it ruptured late last night.

Here’s hoping the pain is done and I get a few pain-free days before Friday, when my period is due!

Woke up this morning with moderate low back pain that makes me wince and grunt when trying to move around, and full body joint pain. These are more symptoms that the endo is flaring again and about to take me down.

I’m still super tired emotionally and physically. I still feel weak and now have pelvic pain to go with the joint and back pain. The pelvic pain is about a 3 to a 4 on the pain scale. It is low, dull, achey. The joint pain is about a 5 to 5.5 on the scale. It is nagging and at times piercing.

I took a pregnancy pee test just because, and of course it came out negative.

I have a full week before my period arrives, but with how my body is feeling at this moment, it feels like my period is upon me in the next 36 hours.

I started menses at the age of 14 with a mindset of “this is just how it is for everyone”. Later, when I found out that it’s NOT this way for everyone, I became angry every month - “it’s not fair”. Then, later on in life, by the time I hit my 30s, I began to go back towards the “this is just how it is” mindset, but knowing that it’s just how it is with me.
Now, since January 2010, my brain has gone in a different direction. It’s actually turned into fear and near panic, in a child-like state, whereby this inner child has been crying out “Mama, I don’t wanna go to that bad place again!!! Why can’t anybody help me mama?”
My body and mind have gotten tired of fighting this fight for the past 24-25 years, and it’s crying out - it’s throwing a tantrum - like a bullied child does before school in the morning - “I don’t wanna go! You can’t make me go! Don’t take me there!”

The fact that I’ve been in a tearful emotional state since last night, continuing through this morning, is of course another premenstrual symptom. And once again I’d like to yell in anger to the endometriosis, “I STILL HAVE ONE MORE WEEK LEFT! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”

I woke Tuesday morning with no cramps! I checked to be sure my period had actually started. Well, there was bright blood, and it was within a few days of the start date, so it had to be my period, right? I got ready for work, marveling at my body. I have to admit, I had a little smile on my face. I was truly enjoying this no-pain thing.

At work Tuesday morning, I only got the slightest of cramps. As soon as I began to think, “oh no, I feel a tinge of pain, the cramps could get worse any second…” I immediately quashed that thought and replaced it with, “Oh wow, that’s SUCH a tiny pain, I am so happy I can function!” And I’d smile again. I started thinking, “This must be what it’s like to have a ‘normal’ period!”

All day Tuesday, nothing - just teeny tiny rumbles of pain every now and again. The most pain I felt was while having to rub a child’s back for naptime at work - I have to sit on the floor, and the child is on a thin nap mat on the floor. I used a pillow chair but it was still uncomfortable. So the pelvic pain did make itself known while sitting low on the floor.

You have to realise though that it wasn’t just the lack of pelvic pain through most of Tuesday - I also was not feeling the usual joint pain or the extreme fatigue that I always get with each endometriosis cycle or ‘flare’. This definitely was not starting off as one of my ‘normal’ periods. Since I have been in debilitating pain from endometriosis for about the last 24 years now, I know full well what the behaviour of my illness is. So I began to wonder if the blood wasn’t from menstruation/endometriosis at all - I wondered if it was instead from the yeast infection and having taken a Monistat treatment two nights prior, which I’d had really bad side effects to. The swelling in my labia had gone down quite a bit by Tuesday, but what if the blood meant there was internal damage from the Monistat? Every time I used the bathroom on Tuesday, I’d notice that the bleeding wasn’t getting any darker, nor was it becoming more of a flow. It was still bright red/pink, and there were long, stringy clots - also not the usual for me. Blood clots during menses for me are usually really dark red, squat and thick.

Tuesday night, when my husband got home, we went out into the pouring rain to get some groceries, so that we’d be well stocked in case I did become bedridden. While out grocery shopping, my blood sugar took a dive. I’d spent Monday and Tuesday eating and either still being hungry, or becoming hungry again within an hour of eating. That is ‘normal’ premenstrual behaviour for me, as is becoming hypoglycemic.
Eating dinner when we got home brought my blood sugar levels and thusly my mood back up again.

When I woke on Wednesday morning, I had minor cramps. Since I count the day the blood shows up as Day 1 of each menstrual cycle, I was now on Day 3, and I still was not experiencing debilitating pain. Again, I wondered if the bleeding wasn’t from the infection and/or the treatment. I wondered if I’d know if my period really did show up, and would it show up Wednesday, as originally thought?

Around 11:30am on Wednesday, the bleeding and pain began to ramp up a bit. I checked myself in the bathroom and saw that the blood had begun to darken. My legs felt funny - they were weak, especially at the top of the thighs. For me, this usually means really bad cramps are coming soon. I hadn’t had the leg pain or weakness until now, so I took this to mean that my menstrual cycle had officially hit the green light.
By 1pm when I took my lunch break, I required 600mg of Ibuprofen gel-caps, and it didn’t really help all that much. I notified the teacher I was working with that day that I was in pain and might not make it through the day. I asked if she knew what endometriosis was, and she said yes, and showed sympathy for me. She told me to sit down and take it easy. The class (I was working with the 1st and 2nd graders that day) was watching a marine life documentary, so thankfully all I had to do was sit there, or stand there as the actual case may be (sitting was too painful) for the next hour, until class was dismissed. After the first half-hour documentary, the children began to get restless, so I had them all stand up, shake their bodies, stretch way up high, and then sit back down to watch the second and last documentary on ocean life.
The stretching up high thing…I should not have done that. It spiked my cramps to a 7 on the pain scale for a few minutes. Ouch. I stretched slow, like one does in the morning when getting out of bed, yawning. But george didn’t like that.
At 3pm, I organised the children who were to be picked up by their parents and herded them out the door. After parents picked up their children, I headed to the playground to see if I’d be needed for after school daycare. Thankfully, I was not needed, and I went home.

Wednesday afternoon/evening at home, I took it easy on the couch. Around 7pm, I ate another 600mg Ibuprofen gel-caps, and slept on the couch, and for a little while I even went to the bedroom to nap. My fatigue had grown infinitely between noon and 7pm Wednesday - pain takes a lot out of a person and makes one very tired. Ibuprofen also makes one a bit tired, and I had consumed 1,200mg of it within a six hour period.

And that’s where I’ll leave it for now, cuz the next part of my story requires some background info, and this post is already too long. I’m working on making shorter journal entries from now on…

Today for some reason I’ve wanted to cry all day. I’m super emotional about everything. It’s as though my heart is broken. At one point, just before my lunch break at work, I was talking with my co-teacher/head teacher and she kept correcting my language, telling me to stop using adjectives. She said the director of the school always tells her to watch how she phrases things so as not to create a legal issue. This teacher would like me to follow the director’s advice, also.

All I had said was that I needed to know which recepticle to use as the wash bowl, so I could wash the easel. This teacher has in the past told me not to use the cleaning bucket, because according to her, it contains trace amount of bird feces, because we wash the lunch tables with it, and the birds are always landing on the tables and leaving their feces there.
She told me earlier this week not to use the dirty water bowl that the children use to empty water from their work jobs into, because that could create cross contamination if there is bird feces or some other type of contamination on the easel. She says it could be transferred from the easel to the bowl. She refuses to acknowledge that I wash the bowl thoroughly with hot soapy water before and after using the bowl for cleaning.
So I wanted to know WHAT to use to do the washing, said since she did not like my choice of vessels thus far.

She went on a long explanation about proper use of language and avoidance of adjectives, saying she does not lIKE or DISLIKE anything, and that it’s a matter of keeping the children safe and respecting the parents’ POTENTIAL wishes, and they MIGHT wish that their children were in an environment where they were not at risk of contaminated materials.

I about burst into tears. I just wanted her to tell me WHICH FRACKING BOWL TO USE, since she always has a problem (oh wait another adjective - she’ll say she has no problems at all) with what I’m choosing to wash the classroom stuff with.
The discussion ended without her telling me what vessel to use, so I chose the dirty water bowl again and hoped she’d not correct me and tell me to put the bowl down again like she did the other day. As I washed the easel, I noted aloud how tired I was. My co-worker told me that she read or heard of an interesting study whereby if people declare they are for example tired, that they will BECOME tired. I tried to not sound angry but told her firmly that it’s not a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing - it’s a FACT that I am tired, and it is part of my health condition, which renders me bedridden every month, and by the way I may not be at work on Monday because of it, FYI.

She didn’t talk to me anymore after that. She is in that camp of people who think that even after 23 years of living with a chronic incurable painful condition such as endometriosis, that I somehow manifested this illness upon myself by pessimistic thinking.

I want you to know that that camp of people will be the first to get the pain transference device strapped to their heads once it’s invented. Ever see the movie Strange Days? The transference device I’m thinking of is like the ‘SQUID’ recordings used in that movie: “experiences recorded directly from the cerebral cortex which when played back through a MiniDisc-like device allow a user to experience all recorded sensory inputs as if actually doing it themselves” -wikipedia.

Anyway, the conversations with this teacher is what nearly broke me for the rest of the day. I literally had tears in my eyes for the rest of my shift, even on my lunch break. I got out of work, came home and had some hot chocolate (Trader Joe’s Sipping Chocolate, mixed with goat milk), and wanted badly to have a complete emotional breakdown. However, I had to be at my acupuncture appointment within an hour, so i could not have my breakdown.

I want to let you know that it is not the teacher who CAUSED my emotional state. I was already fragile to begin with. She is not willfully malicious or mean in any way towards me, ever. My emotional state has nothing to do with her personally. I’m just exceedingly fragile today.

During the acupuncture appointment, the doctor stuck me in the bottom of the right foot and it stung really badly. I yelped and it wouldn’t stop stinging, so she removed the needle. It continued to sting. She said that’s the point for something dealing with my blood. Wish I could remember.
I had needles in my feet, legs, pelvis and head. I laid there for 20 mins, then she came back and removed the needles. I turned over. She put needles in my lower and upper back. These needles - every single one of them - were so painful going in that I yelped and/or cried out, voice shaky and near tears. The one in the lower right side i think it was - that one stung for several seconds, but I rode it out and it abated.
Afterwards, we talked about the herbal supplements I’ve been taking. I am wondering if the ginseng, dong quai and licorice are causing my emotional issues. I’m wondering if the mania I experienced two weeks ago is also related to these ingredients. I have in the past gotten hypoglycemic and irritable on those noted herbs. The acupuncturist said she’d think on it and do further research. I agreed to continue taking the supplements until my next menstrual cycle at the end of February, just so we can note developing patterns.

When I got out of the acupuncture session, I felt a little less like bawling. The back pain I’ve had on and off all week, and especially painful today, returned right away. It always feels like I’ve pulled a muscle or several muscles in my back every month right before my period. I hate that.
Oh and my vaginal mucus began turning tonight. The last time it did that was on January 5 and two days later I got my period. George is due February 1 but I’m thinking he’ll be here Friday or Saturday.

And on that note, just after 9pm, I’m taking 600mg Advil gel caps and going to bed.

Last night I went to bed around 9:30pm. Tonight I’m doing the same. I’ve been thoroughly exhausted for the past two days. I’m bloating like crazy. My lower legs and ankles are swollen. I get worn out and breathe laboriously just by walking or having to get up.

I take my vitamins and I’ve upped my Chinese herbal supplements to 2 pills twice daily. I got anxiety so bad around 3:30pm today that I thought I’d have a panic attack at work. I had to do my breathing exercises and it almost didn’t help. I had to fight through it with anxiety, racing heart and feeling of being suffocated. I left work at 4pm. I wonder if it’s PMS and I’m just stressed out by the data collecting I have to do on the job - I’m just an assistant - my head teacher should be doing all of this. She should have the long day, not me. Ugh. Give me the damned title and pay already, people.
So perhaps it was just that. But part of me is now wondering if it’s the herbs. I’ll talk to my acupuncturist tomorrow. I’ve got to ask her questions about how to deal with bloating and fatigue, as well.

I’ve been feeling low dull pain with the bloating since Monday. On Saturday and Sunday is when the right side ovarian stabby started - at least that abated by Monday.

I took 400mg Advil gel caps before bed last night - doing the same thing tonight.

On a bright note, my husband’s gym is offering a special so I signed up today after work. Half of what he pays per month, plus a month free, plus a free session with a fitness trainer. I told the trainer what my physical restrictions are, about my illness and what my goals are - we are to meet after this upcoming round of doom is over.
We are also experiencing a break in the rain - I think it’s rained constantly for a week and a half, I forget. Today there was no rain. Tomorrow is supposed to be dry, too, and then the rain returns on Friday. Imagine my mixed feelings at this - it’s bad timing for my health, cuz I’m winded just getting up out of a chair right now, and my body feels like lead. I want to bicycle but if I bicycle the one mile to work in the morning, I’ll have used up too many spoons to get through the workday, which involves literally running after children on the playground, both to entertain them and to get to them before or right after injury happens. There’s also the lunchtime cleanup, which involves sweeping around and under 3 picnic tables. It may sound easy to some but operating a broomstick really hurts my back and sides and abdomen a few days before menses. Then I’d have to bicycle back home - if I made it back at all without collapsing, I’d surely collapse for the night as soon as I got home from work. So bicycling this week is out of the question - not enough spoons.

I’ve been doing slow stretches of my arms up as far as I can reach and holding it, then tilting to one side, then the other - very slowly. My back feels like I’ve pulled the muscles. This is ‘normal’ and happens every single month, right before menses, as my body tries to fold in on itself like a pillbug. I’ve also been doing the large hip circles I always do to try to manage the pain. Sometimes it’s really painful to begin working the hips, but after awhile things loosen up and I really do feel better. So it is part of my pain management process.

Gah. It’s nearly 10pm now. I really need to be sleeping but I really needed to provide an update on the premenstrual madness.

Goodnight!

Today I am super tired, have mega pms cravings, and low dull uterine and ovarian cramping. Doom is due by Sunday at the latest.

Yesterday I allowed myself to feel slighted by some stranger on IRC. I felt like she gave me a bunch of shit about my pain issues, and basically wrote me off because I have not yet seen a reproductive endocrinologist, nor will I try further hormonal treatment for my pain issues.

The whole conversation on IRC started with medical marijuana questions - I wanted to know if Prop 215 had worked out well for anyone locally. I did get some good advice, but this one person stuck in my craw.
She asked what my pain issues are. I told her I suffer from stage III endometriosis. What happened next is what often happens - people ask me the same tired old questions - “have you tried this for the pain?” YES. “have you tried that remedy?” YES. “have you had surgery?” YES.

Honestly, people, do you really think I would live with this illness for 23 years and NOT try all the basic shit in the books, first, then surgery, then go from there?

Then she asked if I’d seen a reproductive endocrinologist. I told her no, I’ve not been to one, yet. This is where she got all huffy with me and basically wrote me off as some ignorant wretch.
I looked back through my records - I’d tried in January and again in April 2009 (last year) to see an endocrinologist. I forget why the appointments fell through.
The person on IRC seemed like she was telling me that I obviously didn’t try hard enough and therefore I must be happy to be in pain all the time.
I told this person that I’ve seen other specialists in the past 12 months, but she stopped talking to me.

I wanted to yell at her and say IF I HAD THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL TO MY BODY, I’D HAVE READ AND IMPLEMENTED IT.

Why did I feel so slighted by someone I don’t even know?

The answer is that I’m in defensive mode with the world at large over my illness - all the time.

People range from well-meaning to outright abusive towards me with regards to my illness. The people in question range from absolute strangers online and on the street to co-workers, friends and family. All. the. time.

I can tell the same people what I’ve tried and what I’ve not tried, what I’ve been through with what treatment - several times - and still get the same questions asked again and again. This is precisely why I started blogging about my pain, the what I’ve tried, the doctors, the vitamins, the diet in general. I’m always repeating my story to people, and therefore I’m always defending my rationale for trying or not trying this or that treatment. Everybody’s got an opinion. Everybody thinks they know best. Hell, it seems like everybody thinks I must be a total fracking idiot, living with endometriosis and not doing a damned thing about it.

Even presenting all this information on my website goes unnoticed it seems. People still ask me the same tired old questions. I copy and paste a url to them. They don’t care. People just want me to shut the hell up and be healed already. They want me to quit my whining. They want me to stop bringing them down.

This same type of write-off I get from people extends to my doctors and specialists. They all get tired of me after awhile and cast me off. That’s why I’ve seen 15 doctors in 9 years and am now on my 16th and counting. My current gynecologist lost her patience with me about a year ago because I wouldn’t get another cauterisation type laparoscopy by a different surgeon - I want an excision laparoscopy and I need to be sure of the doctor before I go and get the surgery. Also, I work very hard for miniscule money - I make $11/hr the expensive Bay Area of California, and I have a very expensive diet, no thanks to all of my damned food allergies. Also, I cannot take time off work just like that. I need 11 or more days off work to recover from surgery. It took 11 days and I was still in a heap of pain upon my return last time, and that was a desk job. I have a preschool job now. Also, there’s the co-pay. It cost me $1,500 out of pocket last time, but I was making $19/hour. I have different insurance now and it’s a different surgery that would be performed compared to last time. The co-pay could be much more. It doesn’t matter though - my gynecologist thinks I can easy peasy just take the time off work and get that “minor” surgery taken care of anytime! Oh and you know, I was not told about in advance, and did not ask for those hideous stretch marks I got from being inflated with carbon dioxide for the laparoscopy.

She actually used phrasing suggesting I liked being in pain because I would not schedule a second surgery.

She actually gave me an ultimatum of January 2010 to find pain management and other specialists, because she will not be refilling my Tylenol 3 prescription anymore.

Goodbye, Dr. Lisa Bernard-Pearl. You worked so well for me in the beginning, but in the end you turned out to be just as mean as the rest of them, casting me aside, giving up on me. You gave up on me. You threw me away.

On January 6, 2010, I had an apointment to see a pain management doctor. I was on my way there when traffic got snarled. I phoned to say I would be a few minutes late, and the receptionist told me to just turn around and go home, because the doctor would not see late patients. I told her I left work on time, but there was unforseen construction holding up traffic. She asked me if I had the new patient paperwork. I asked her WHAT PAPERWORK.
Apparently paperwork is usually snail mailed to new patients, but a particular receptionist at that office emailed it to me. I told the person on the phone I never got it.
I came back home in tears and looked through my email. I found the email - it had been sent in an unprofessional manner - it looked like spam because it had no subject line, was from a stranger’s first name only, and contained an attachment. OF COURSE I never opened it. I called the office back to complain about the woman, and they did apologise. However, there was no seeing that doctor again - it was her last day in that office - she’s moving to an office 50 miles north of me. They told me another doctor in that office would call me but that never happened. In the meantime, I’ve been too angry to call that office back, and too apathetic to find another pain management specialist this month.

However, on January 21 I saw gynecologist Dr. Streitfeld, on January 23 I saw Dr. Ellis, and on January 29 I will see Dr. Fredian. Today I put in a request to see Dr. David Adamson (referred by Dr. Streitfeld), who is a reproductive endocrinologist, and I also put in a request to see Dr. Grace Eng - the same endocrinologist I tried to see last year around this time.

All of this costs money. Most of this takes time off work. Both are difficult for me, because I miss enough work as it is by being bedridden, no workplace I’ve ever been with wants me to also miss more work on top of that for doctor visits, let alone recurring surgeries.

You know, the record on repeat is enough to make me spit. Really. I was sick of it three years ago. I was tired of it five years ago.
Just go back through my entire journal. I’ve got diary entries dating to the 1980s. Have a good read. And don’t offer me any more insight, suggestions or advice about endometriosis and treatment options unless I ask for it.

Postscript ~
I felt damned near homicidal tonight. I spent all night writing this blog entry. I stepped away to do laundry and grocery shopping, and ported over some more really old diary entries. I took half a Tylenol 3 to medicate against the rage. Rage is the best way to describe how I felt all day today and still feel to a degree even now while drugged.

I’ve been on Iburpofen since January 5, pretty much around the clock. On Tuesday, I consumed about 1,200mg before going to bed just after 9pm.

Yesterday, I consumed 1,600mg between 8am and 10pm, averaging 400mg every 4-5 hours. The ibuprofen helped manage the pre-menstrual ovarian stabby really well, but I was super tired all day, and even napped during my lunch break.
I began spotting very lightly yesterday.

Today, over the course of the day, the spotting became light flow. The colour was medium brown and the flow sticky. I consumed 1,600mg between 8am - 4pm alone, and I am here to tell you that it did NOTHING for my friggin pain. I stopped taking the ibuprofen after 4pm, hoping to begin diving into the Tylenol 3 when I got home from work, but my acupuncturist called to remind me that we had an appointment today, which I was late for. Whoops!
Thankfully, she was still open to seeing me for a full session, and so I dragged my sorry ass out of the house again.
As has been the case for me in the past, the acupuncture helped while in session and immediately afterwards, but the pain resumed the moment after I emptied my bladder. See, the endometriosis is very near to, if not on my bladder by now, and it was the “small endometriotic implant on the bladder reflection” which my surgeon refused to excise because she was afraid of rupturing my bladder three years ago.

Anyway, the acupuncture failed to provide pain relief past the first 20 minutes of leaving the practitioner’s office, and this is the second practitioner I have been to. I will continue to see the acupuncturist for awhile, and I will continue to take the prescribed herbs. I think I only saw the last acupunturist less than 10 times.

I would also like to note for posterity that I have had some wicked PMS food cravings over the past week. I feel as though I have been eating my weight in chocolate again. I definitely went through three bags of store-bought gluten-free cookies in the past week. My dinner theme over the past two weeks has been, “if all I ever eat is gluten-free pizza and pad thai again, it will be heaven”.

Tonight I ate shrimp pasta alfredo for dinner (rice pasta), and within the hour, the pain ramped up. This could either be from the shrimp, or it could be that the pain was going to ramp up, anyway.

By 5:30pm this afternoon, the colour of menses was turning from brown to pink to reddish. Now it is a dark red. The flow is ramping up a bit, but the fluid is still a bit sticky. There is a lot of debris. I assume this is due to all the sugar and caffeine I have been ingesting since before the holidays. I know that a sugary diet is what also lends to ovarian cysts. So my goal for 2010 is going to have to be quitting my sugar addiction again.

As of 10pm, I am on Tylenol 3 for the pain, and still shifting uneasily in my chair. I am not in bed with the laptop, as it is in the shop. Sadness.

I am not going in to work tomorrow - I informed the director at the end of my shift today.

I guess the one good thing about all this is that I am not also sick any longer - I’m over the cough and sinus congestion. Well, there is still the continued 99.2°F average temperature I’m still having all day every day. I’m seeing a doctor about that tomorrow.

Now, finally, I think I have updated everything I need to, and I’m off to bed.

The pain got to a 6 on the pain scale on Sunday December 6, and I took half a Tylenol 3 while working behind the scenes at the Dickens Fair with my friend. The pain encompased my entire pelvic region into my lower back, and down the front and sides of my hips and thighs, nearly to my knees. Every time I bent forward, I got a sharp pain in my upper legs.

Also on Sunday is when the ass bleedy began. This happens every month right before george.

The pain dissipated by Monday morning, and I found out later that the pain was overshadowed by my body coming down with the flu. By 3pm I had a 100°F fever and was coughing a lot, had a horrible headache, and my left shoulder/neck/back had gone out in the same way a pinched nerve takes me out. I developed diarrhea as well. Initially, before I realised I had the flu, I thought my shoulder was going out because of how stressed I’ve been over finances lately. The shoulder/neck pain started upon waking, and grew worse over the course of the day. By 3pm when the fever set in, I had to rethink the stress theory and go with the flu as reason for shoulder/neck pain. My lymph nodes in my neck are HUGELY swollen, and I’m sure that’s impinging on my buldging disks in C4-6, setting off the pinched nerve.

This morning, the flu continued ravaging my body, and the pre-george pelvic pain also returned. I’ve been wrestling with it all together, all day. As of Sunday I’ve been dipping into my supply of Tylenol 3, which is supposed to only be for the endometriosis, but holy cow, the neck/shoulder/back pain is freaking unbearable.

I went to the doctor this afternoon - she showed no sympathy - said my fever is due to not hydrating enough. Won’t give me Soma (a muscle relaxer) for bum shoulder/neck, says it’s part of having the flu. Bitch.

I did not work on Monday because it was in the 40s fahrenheit outside, so I was dismissed for the day by just after 9am. Good thing since I hopefully didn’t infect anyone. Today I did not go to work, and because I still have a fever (currently 101°F), I will not be going to work tomorrow, either.

I hate to have my period when I also have the flu, but honestly if my body makes my period late in order to deal with the flu, I could end up missing next week at work, too. I am NOT happy about this. I NEED the money BADLY. :(

I am confident that I got the flu from working at Dickens Fair. The first weekend of Fair (Thanksgiving weekend), several of my cohorts fell ill for days. This past weekend, more of us fell ill. This happens every time we all work faire, anywhere we work faire, whether it’s outdoors or indoors, whether Renaissance Faire or Dickens Fair. This means I am rethinking attending or working faire ever again. Filthy humans.

Back to the pelvic pain update - since I’ve been consuming a lot of coffee, I noticed that the cramps I’ve been having come in short, sharp piercing bursts, rather than the usual dull achey drone. So for me personally, caffeine should remain a no-no.

Next update probably when menses actually arrives.