I Will Not Suffer In Silence

In an update to yesterday’s post:

The company that harrassed me and discriminated against me and refused to make reasonable accomodations for me, and who fired me for missing 1-3 days of work per month on account of a chronic, incurable, congenital stage III illness (Endometriosis) told me yesterday that they’d get my 1099 tax form out to me sometime in February. If I recall, the woman had told me mid-February, but don’t quote me on that. In any case, today they called me back.

They said that this year, they were told that since January 31 falls on a weekend, they have until February 2 to postmark 1099 and W2 tax forms in the mail.

I told them they’re full of shit and that if the 31st falls on a weekend, they need to get the tax forms out BEFORE then. I threatened to call my lawyer. I shit you not, I was told to update my lawyer on the current news that they have until Feb 2. However, they told me that since I’m so insistent, they’ll get my 1099 in the mail today.

I then went to H&R Block on the way home from work today and asked, “Since January 31st falls on a weekend, when technically do tax forms have to be in the mail to employees?” I was told regardless of weekend, all forms must be in the hands of employees NO LATER THAN JANUARY 31…BY LAW.

The company is in the wrong and I once again am right. They will always be in the wrong, because of what they did to me, and the fact that the federal and state authorities agreed with me, and the fact that the company settled rather than go to court. So there’s no amount of their bullshit they can dish at me that I will just take without a raging fight. I rest confidently and guilt-free in the FACT that this company is wrong, I am right, and I will be victorious.

I just wish this goddamned company would finally learn its lesson so I don’t have to get flashbacks and the whole PTSD going on every time I have to interact with them.
I can only hope that with receiving and filing the 1099 form, ALL of it is officially behind me, and I can get on with my life.

I am SO MAD!!!

I’ve been wondering where the hell my 1099 tax form is from the company that fired me in October, 2007 for having Endometriosis. I took them to the labor board and the company settled. Now I have to file a 1099 but HELLO they’ve not gotten it to me, yet.

(Note to my friends: if you know what company I’m talking about, DO NOT NAME THEM BECAUSE THIS WILL SCREW ME LEGALLY)

I tried to get ahold of them last week but couldn’t get a live person or even connect because somehow the place was operating on phone tree labyrinth.

Today I tried again and got through to the secretary (perhaps she was out last week and that’s why the phone tree labyrinth of do0m?). She patched me through to H.R., who had to check with Finance. Got a call back a bit later and was told I’ll get my 1099 sometime in February. I said, “What?!? Isn’t that a bit late?” and I was told sorry, that’s how they do it there.

So I consulted with my current employer and my husband, who all said tax forms have to be sent to employees no later than January 31st by law.

And the interwebs concur: “The returns must be filed with the IRS by the end of February immediately following the year for which the income items or other proceeds are paid. Copies of the returns must be sent to payees, however, by the end of January.”

So I called back and asked for the Finance department. I was patched through to voicemail. I left a message telling them they have until January 31st by law to send me my 1099 and to contact me ASAP. Tomorrow I’ll be calling the labor board again to see if this is still their jurisdiction or not.

And so after that, all I can say is, the PTSD returned. My back is locked up, I’m having flashbacks to how I was treated for seven months before my illegal firing, and goddammit I thought I had all their bullshit behind me!

Gah.

The month of November for me so far, pain-wise:

As you can see, I’ve not had a break. I’ve missed nearly 4 days of work this month and have not been at top performance at all.

The pain worsened yesterday after having 2 days nearly pain free. I’d been taking it really easy at work and after work. The pain returned on Saturday after being intimate with my husband, and grew worse until I saw my Chi Nei Tsang practitioner at 4pm. She wasn’t able to rid the pain, but was able to transfer it from the front and side to the back, where the pain collected and felt like electric bolts of pain in the bottom of my spine, and then dispersed a little.

Let’s compare this month to previous months:

June: I missed 4 days of work from the pain. I was working through an agency at the time.
July: I missed 2 days of work from the pain. I was working for a private family 3 days a week, so missing 2 out of 3 was a big deal.
August: I missed 1 day of work from the pain.
September: I missed 2 days of work (my 2nd day working for a new private family and I fell ill, but I warned them ahead of time this would happen).
October: I missed 3 ½ days from the pain.
November: I missed nearly 4 days from the pain so far, and have been in near constant pain since my last period.

Because god hates me, I get my period twice this month. I’m due again the day after Thanksgiving. But george could arrive sooner and cause me to miss more work.

The family I work for has expressed frustration with having to miss so much work on account of me. This does not help my anxiety/PTSD issues, nor does it help with the pain. This also brings up again the thought of “wow, what if I’m just not employable at all anymore due to the endometriosis.”

It’s still easier for me to refer to my illness as ‘george’ when I am discussing the illness, hence the subject line. It’s simpler to say ‘george is late’ than to say ‘i started bleeding later than expected’. It’s more polite in a way - people don’t want to go right into a conversation hearing about blood. But hearing about a person being late to something, that’s tolerable. ;)

Tuesday, August 12: Warned the lady I sit for that I was feeling severely fatigued and achey and I didn’t know if I’d have to go home early or miss work that week. Started pre-medicating with Ibuprofen 600 as of Monday or Tuesday. One per day.

Wednesday, August 13: The lady and her husband were late to work because of me - well because of a misunderstanding. I told them I’d call IF I couldn’t make it in to work. I didn’t call, so I went to work. Still very fatigued and feeling crampy but less so than the previous day, so I went. Turns out they were just covering their asses and wanted to be sure I’d show up, so they waited on me. They didn’t appear upset with me.

Thursday, August 14: Got my energy back - took the baby on two walks that day. I started spotting around 10pm and was sure george would arrive full on by morning.

Friday, August 15: George is officially due but doesn’t arrive. But all day I was tired and had mild to moderate cramps again. I was still taking Ibuprofen but took 2 over the course of the day on Friday. I had very light spotting on and off.

Saturday, August 16: Woke up at 6am with severe low back pain. Decided to ride it out instead of getting up and eating some food just so I could ingest Ibuprofen (taking Ibu on an empty stomach causes me severe stomach pain - causes most humans stomach pain). Got up because of the pain every hour after that until 9am, when I got up for good, ate some breakfast, and took an Ibu600. More spotting and light cramping on and off. Pain ramped up a bit Saturday night, especially in the low and mid-back region. By about 9pm I took a Tylenol 3 rather than deal with the pain.

Sunday, August 17: Up again from back pain and this time uterine pain too, every hour from about 7am to 10am. Full on bleeding and cramps started by 10:30am.

So my question is, did george arrive one day early, on Thursday, or did he arrive two days late, on Sunday?

In either case, I’m happy to report that I still have a full week clearance around the wedding. If I continue to be good to my body, george will not be early in September or October, either.

I know a lot of women must fret a bit over the whole getting their period on their wedding day thing. But the general populous of women don’t outright panic over getting their period on their wedding day, because most women can just take birth control pills or the morning after pill to stave off the menstrual cycle, or they can just not even care if they get their period because it’s such a non-issue for them.

But for women with endometriosis, I’d wager a lot of us look at our looming wedding day in abject fear that it could be ruined, all because of the pain and heavy bleeding we go through.

It is because of my illness, and also because of my father and my brother, that I spend about half of the time not looking forward to my wedding day, and just want it to be over with.

The other half of the time, I promise, I really am having a blast with my man planning for our wedding. We’ve gone on several wine tasting excursions because we want to serve locally produced wine. We’re about to burst with anticipation because next weekend is a big sale on last year’s surplus Halloween stock at a local boutique, and the weekend after that are the Scottish Highland Games, where my man hopes to get the rest of his wedding ensemble put together.
We have worked together on creating our own wedding invites and reply cards. My chosen sister gave us a sinister idea for favours that we ran with like children squealing in the park. We tasted cake until we were bored with the ordeal, because nothing was appealing enough to us as the expensive cake we wanted. So we finally gave in to that. Funny thing is, the expensive cake wasn’t expensive for being a wedding cake (the dreaded ‘wedding tax’ just because it’s for a wedding) - it’s not a wedding cake at all!
It’s just that the design and shape of the cakes this particular baker does is so much work that she has to charge accordingly.
We can’t wait to show people what we chose for our wedding cake!!!!

Back to the reality I am in at the moment - bedridden from the Endometriosis pain and hopped up on Tylenol 3…
Because the pain and bleeding did not start on time last Friday, this has messed with my weekend and at the same time denied me the upcoming work week.
Had the bleeding and pain started on Friday like it was supposed to have, then I’d have been bedridden Friday, Saturday, maybe Sunday, and feeling better by Monday, then returning to work as scheduled on Tuesday.

But no.

Now, with the pain starting today, I am bedridden Sunday, Monday, likely Tuesday, and feeling better by Wednesday but not sure if I can return to work Wednesday or Thursday.

When I only work Tuesday - Thursday right now, this means I lose pay this week. This in turn gets me pissed off at the company that fired me all over again, because although a settlement was reached, they still have not PAID it out. I am still waiting for these goddamned people. They still hold the upper hand and have the last word as it were. They are still harassing me in this regard. They are still abusing and taunting me.

And I want them to combust for it.

I hope they get caught up in a hostile takeover and then parted out.

I’d be worried about my employment were I not mostly self employed.

The daycare agency I work for seems to only call me in to work when I’m already on my way to the nanny job or when I’m sick from the Endometriosis a few days each month.

The agency just called me and asked how I’m doing. I said, “actually, I’m not well today.”

The woman on the phone exclaimed “I knew it! Every time I need you you are not available!”

Were this my only job, I’d be in that headspace - I’d have The Fear of being fired again because of my illness.

Prior to getting work on my own as a nanny, this agency was only calling me once per month when a substitute teacher was needed, ever since the daycare from hell discharged me for whistle blowing. Maybe it was intentional that the agency no longer had work for me. Maybe substitute work really is hard to come by in all the Bay Area daycares. I dunno. In any case, if you’re going to call me to work only once per month, chances are you might run into the Downtime - you might reach me when I’m bedridden from the Endometriosis.

Let me state for the record that I have near 100% accuracy in predicting when I will be bedridden each month, because the illness is tied to my menstrual cycle, which has a history of appearing on time every 26 days. So again, if the agency only calls me in once a month, they might run into the Downtime. If they do this often enough, they have me refusing work more than three months a year, and they then consider me high risk - unreliable - not worthy of retaining as an employee.

And that would place me back in the same emotional position I was in with the dotcom that fired me for missing 1-3 days of work each month. I’d be afraid constantly of ‘will this be the month they fire me?’

But the agency is no longer my only job. So emotionally, I finally have the upper hand.

I have also covered my ass by sending the agency documentation of my illness and a schedule of when I am ill through September. After the woman at the agency had her hissy fit, I asked her if she lost the schedule and if she needs me to resend it. She told me no, she has it in her email and even printed it out, but then lost it and decided to call me up when a sub was needed today, as it was the quicker thing to do rather than dig through her email again. *rolls eyes*

Also in that email I had sent the agency, as of mid-September, I have asked the agency to deactivate me as a substitute teacher, as I will have full time nanny work. The agency is only there as a very loose safety net (not that they have been reliable for me as stated above, but any work is good work should I need it and not be too ill to work should something happen to the nanny position).

So again, I have the upper hand.

But when I hear, “I knew it! Every time I need you you are not available!”, it does tend to dredge up some of the PTSD I suffered from the dotcom, which harrassed me on a weekly basis for eight months before going through with their threats of firing me for ‘violating’ their attendance policy.

While I am happy that I was able to complete my work week before getting sick, I am sad that I now lose my weekend to the illness.

Have extra fun this weekend for me! I will be back strong again in about five days to come out and play.

I just woke up nauseated and cramping badly, and feeling hungry.

Sometimes the Tylenol 3 makes me nauseous. Most often, it gives me false hunger pains. And sometimes the pain leaks through despite being medicated.

Then again, the last time I took any meds was almost 3 hours ago, so I assume that it’s also time for another dose.

I also had more nightmares. I was in a daycare trying to put children down for nap. The children were children I’d cared for 15 years ago back in Michigan. Nobody would listen and I found myself shouting at them. At one point I’d had it and left my co-teacher alone with all the kids in the room, and went for a walk.
I got about three blocks from the daycare and decided I should turn back around. But suddenly, no matter which route I took, I ended up further and further away. I hopped on a bus or light rail train, thinking I could get back to the daycare quicker, but when I was let off the train, I found that I was now up by 16 Mile road (in Michigan). Panicked, I walked faster and faster, trying to find out what had happened, trying to get to a place I remembered, so I could get back to work on time. It was all very anxiety-inducing.

The dream shifted from that to an actual real life memory of being down in the basement at the house my first sex partner was staying at. He was mad at me for terminating a pregnancy I did not want, and ending the relationship with him because he’d lied to me about purposefully knocking me up. He held a shotgun to my head. I ran upstairs away from him in sheer screaming terror, and tried to dial 911 on the phone at the top of the stairs. He grabbed me from behind, grabbed the phone from me, bashed the phone receiver into the wall, turned me around, grabbed my neck, slammed my head into the wall a few times and choked me. Then he stepped back and calmly announced he was going back downstairs to get the shotgun and take care of both of us. I ran from the house, got into my car and drove home in hysterics.

That is a real life memory.

I threw open my eyes and blinked rapidly and breathed deeply to force the memory to fade away again.

I get this unexpected flashback every now and then. All I can do is breathe and push it away.

The flashback caused even more anxiety and I think is what brought the cramps. The books I have on Endometriosis state that since the uterus is hormone-rich, whenever something happens to set off a hormonal surge in the body, the uterus is also involved. And for someone with Endometriosis, this is bad news, because when the hormones set off their signals, it also activates the hormone-rich adhesions on organs outside of the uterus. Those organs in turn set off their pain receptors, because they think something is attacking them. And voìla, that’s how I get to be in so much pain and gushing bleeding.

So of course at this moment, all I can think of is THANKS A LOT, DIPWAD. I STILL KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. I STILL KEEP TABS ON YOUR SKANKY ASS. I STILL DON’T FORGIVE YOU, YOU EFFING BASTARD. ONE DAY I’LL JUST STOP BY AND GET ALL KILL BILL ON YOU.

…and I breathe…

because anger sets off a hormonal wave again…

You see how it goes…

Good times.

I spent all day yesterday, from about 10am onwards in bed, because that’s when the pain started. I had cramps throughout the day but I remember my last onset of cramps was about 9:30 - 10pm last night.
And then this morning again at 9:45am. I keep wondering about this 12-hour cycle my body tends to go in with its cramping.

So much research still to do. Must make the time for it.

I *still* haven’t posted the research from fatty cells I was looking up last week. I had no idea that fat cells *produce* estrogen. Why did I not know this? The books I have on Endometriosis tell me this. I just retained the info til now. I need to finish typing up that entry and share it.

Came home to a curious letter from the unemployment department today. I thought the gubment cut this out of the latest war funding bill at the last second, but apparently not. Dubya relented and signed the unemployment benefits extension on June 30, 2008. This extends unemployment benefits for 13 months.

Californians, see it here.

Other states - just look up your local unemployment office online, or phone them, or wait for your letter w/ contact info. ;)

This is excellent news for me and maybe some of you. Although I am working again, I am not full time, so I should be granted some money. Unless the labor board settlement happens, then perhaps the state will tell me to feck right straight off. But I’ll fight for it for April to my settlement award date though, because I didn’t go back to work officially for someone until May 16, 2008, and only then it was part time and not guaranteed (The agency’s had nothing for me for a month now since I asked to be reassigned).

Getting this letter in the mail was not without its troubles. I went online to fill out my application to be considered for the additional benefits, and in so doing I had to look up all former employers dating back 18 months - in essence, I had to fill out a new unemployment claim all over again. This of course caused flashbacks of all the nasty companies I worked for in the past 18 months. Not only was there the company that fired me for having Endometriosis, which I can now say with authority gave me PTSD, there was also the two jobs I held that summer; one of which was going to fire me for having Endometriosis, but I quit rather than be humiliated, and the other company in which I endured daily racial harrassment from someone who’s had a very rough time with racism in her own life, and wants to take it out on every white person she meets, and is not shy in admitting as much while abusing people.

I had to take a break from filling out the unemployment application, because I started getting chest pains.

Now that the form is submitted, I’m left with a stomach ache.

I am never, EVER going to work for a corporation or company again if I can help it. It’s only private individuals for me until I can become fully self-employed and not have to worry about working under anyone ever again.

The labor board called while I was out walking the baby I’ve been caring for. They said they were in a meeting right then with the company who fired me. They said they had a counter offer ready for me and wanted me to let them know if I would accept it right there on the spot: $17K, which is $7K more than their last offer. They told me this will cover five months lost wages plus $4K for my pain and suffering.

I told them no, I’m outside at the moment, I’ll have to call them back. The company pressured the labor board to ask me to make a decision. I told the labor board NO, I will NOT make a decision until I’ve had a chance to further review this once I get home, and I’m not currently at home. I asked for til the end of the day. They said that’s not possible. I said give me at least an hour. They said fine but weren’t happy with me. I told them they had no right dictating how fast I must move on this after what they’ve done to me. The labor board representative told me that my decision to call them back within an hour was fine by him, and that I can say no right now if I want. I thanked him and said I’d call back.

I called my father and my man, and talked it over with them. My father advised me to settle. My man reminded me that I was told the hearing between the labor board and the company was supposed to be tomorrow, so why are they calling me today? Good point.

I called the labor board back and got ahold of my representative. He informed me that the date he’d given me a couple months back for the hearing - well that was contingent upon whether it was a WEEKDAY or not, and therefore if it fell on a weekend, they’d do it on the weekday before the weekend. I wanted to hit him at this point. I asked him why he’d given me a definitive date then! I told him I didn’t realise the OFFICIAL hearing was in process when I got the call, else I’d not have been so rude. I apologised to the rep. He said it’s okay. He told me not to worry about it. He explained that if I say no to the $17k, I must give another figure for them to counter.
Well, seeing as the last figure I heard from the labor board was $66K, and my initial thoughts of getting one year’s salary was equal to $36K, I asked for advice from the rep. He said that if I give them a figure higher than their figure but lower than my figure, they can negotiate. He said this can go on until November, when my statute of limitations is reached for this case.

I decided to take it down by half of the labor board’s figure and told my rep $33K. He told me that was a good move, because now the company will see that I’m trying to resolve this, too. Yeah yeah fine fine.

He called back within three hours and told me the company countered again to $22K.

I told him NO. I should have said $30K but I came down to $25K. It’s what they’re counting on - wearing me down. Blah.

I’ve not heard from him for the rest of the day. I’m sure they’ll take the $25 and cut me a check. If they don’t, I’ll be enraged - I am NOT going down any lower than that, and I’ll raise it back up if I have to and start all over again.

Their settlement absolves them of any wrongdoing. This is why I’m so pissed off.

I spoke recently with my friend’s step-mother, who is a labor lawyer. She told me that the company is located in a city and county that she considers to be a ‘bad venue’, because they always get away with so much abuse towards their employees. This company is in the heart of silicon valley of course.

So it should not be surprising then that they are trying to pay as little as possible or of being allowed to just settle, or lawyers being afraid to tackle them. This is why I’m never going to work for a corporation again if I can help it, and I’m making good on my promise to never work in dotcom again, EVER.

In a perfect world, this company would pay me a year at full pay, then pay me a second year of the same to compensate me for what they’ve put me through.

As an example of what they’ve put me through - just the little bit of dealing with them that I had to endure today has left me near tears and having diarrhea. I’ve had two episodes already. I’m super tired and depressed. I just want to go home and cry, but I’m at work.

While all this was going on by phone, I was walking the baby, who started to fuss. After the call, she cried and cried because she was in her stroller for too long (note to self: baby’s threshhold is an hour walk, no more)(I was selfish and wanted to see how far I could walk today before the big AIDS Walk, and thought baby wouldn’t mind). I fed the baby in a local park on the way back to her house, but she was too upset by that time. She sucked down her entire bottle and demanded more, which I did not have. She screamed her head off for thirteen minutes before falling asleep.

Bad choice I made there, with the labor board thing happening today. If I’d known it would happen today, perhaps I’d not have taken baby for such a long walk, and I’d have had all my paperwork and calculator ready!!@!@%#$%^

So I got the baby home, fed her a little more milk, got her down to nap, and thankfully she’s been down for over two hours, now. I could have had it even rougher today than I did.

The being near tears, the diarrhea - if that’s not PTSD from a fecking job, I don’t know what is.

So in a perfect world, not only would they pay me a year’s salary times two, to cover emotional damage, but they’d also be forced to take employee sensitivity training, and they’d be forced to educate themselves on Endometriosis and other ‘invisible’ disabilities. And they’d have to give me an in-person apology in front of their entire company, while handing me a check with the dollar figure on the check large enough for everyone to read. Then they’d have to have individual team meetings afterward, in which their team leaders would explain how discrimination cuts into the company’s bottom line, all the way down to one’s salary, so DON’T DO IT.

In a perfect world, this abuse wouldn’t even happen.

My emotions have been high - I’ve started craving coffee and salty foods again. Looking at the calendar, this tells me I am in fact PMSing - george is due not this Saturday, but next. PMS normally begins up to two weeks out for me, because god hates me.

It’s after 3pm now and I’ve not started my workday. I’m in my pajamas. I started off the day badly. I forgot again if today was workout day with my friend or not, so I got up after 6 hours of fitful sleep, got ready and went to her house, only to find she never emerged to greet me. So today *isn’t* workout day.
Instead of going to work out, I came back home. I hadn’t wanted to work out today, anyway. I went dancing Saturday night and dancing always messes my knees for a few days. I was sore from that, and then on Sunday, I helped my friend sort through stuff in her house because she’s moving. It was labour-intensive, pulling stuff down from the attic, moving big boxes around, sorting bags and bags of recyclables that never got taken out, etc, etc.
So I was sore from that, too.

Oh and the george pains started again Saturday and Sunday. Mittleschmerz I think it’s called. I had to take 600mg Ibuprofen yesterday. The pains were shooting through my ass, and it was difficult to sit down. Then again, I’d had an espresso milkshake on Saturday - that’s two forbidden items on my list at the same time - caffeine and dairy. I bet that’s what set off the cramps.

I went back to bed after my man left for the gym this morning, and within half an hour, a car accident occurred right outside the house. The crash woke me up and I ran to the front window to see how bad it was. Old man in a truck vs. a woman in a compact. Both were ambulatory and exchanging info. But the sound was all it took to make me flash back to the car accident I was in back in 1994.

I tried to go back to sleep after pacing the house for several minutes. When I did get back to sleep, I had nightmares of magnitude 7 earthquakes and people being double-crossed; stabbed to death, poisoned, choked, and suchlike.

My phone woke me from my nightmares - it was my man calling to check in on me. This made me feel even worse - he knew I’d gone back to bed. This makes me feel even more like a slacker and a good-for-nothing to someone who already doesn’t trust me to deliver a business I said I would.

Of course, he’ll never say he doesn’t trust me. He’ll never say he doesn’t mind supporting me.

I feel like I’m just a sponge - the thing he’d feared in all women has come true. His extreme independence and materialism is compromised.

Sometimes I dream of being single again, because then I’d have nothing to lose and I could have my business, and do it right, and do it on my terms, in my own time frame.

But then where would I live when no money is coming in? Even if I were single, I’d still have to pay rent and buy groceries, and pay basic bills for heating and electricity somehow.

The short of it is that I need and want to be a dependent in order to get my business off the ground, and it’s not fair that no one is willing to play along with me on this. :p

Oh and don’t forget, I still have to plan a wedding.

I don’t want to get married right now. There’s too much going on without the hassle of a wedding - a wedding that to me is useless because we’ve been together for almost eight years. We’re already married in spirit. Why can’t he see that? Why does he need a $1,000 ring to show people that he’s married already?

That’s the other thing. I’ve had SO MUCH SHIT about getting a ring cuz all the rings I like are over $1,000. Then the ring he picks and HAS TO HAVE is $1,000.

WTF.

WHO’S THE GIRL.

I just need to go cry, now.

5:17pm Edit: Well, I didn’t cry. I whimpered a bit. Then I sucked it up, and started doing the chores I’d assigned myself to do today.
I called a friend, who said she will go to Berkeley w/ me Thursday or Friday to distribute biz cards.
I will distribute around town this week.
I will refresh my listings on the search engines.

I plug ahead even as the cord is about to be cut.

I don’t know why I bother.

Well I guess it’s still happening, and will continue to happen each time I have to go through the job interview process….

This morning I dreamt that I was returning back to work in a corporate environment, and when I got to work and sat down at my desk, people were looking at me funny. I had the sense in my dream that I’d just come back from another round of Endometriosis pain, coupled with the flu.

The workplace was a large open floor filled with desks with no cubicle walls to separate people and teams from one another. Just one large open room filled with corporate drones. Many were in suits or business casual wear. As soon as I sat down at my desk and powered up the computer to start working, the Human Resources (HR) person came over to talk to me. My heart dropped when I saw her and immediately I was on edge. She told me she really needed to speak to me, now. I copped an attitude immediately and told her that I have a medically documented condition and she can’t fire me for it. She told me to get up and come with her.
I stood up and talked loudly, telling her within earshot of everyone around me that I do a great job there, and that the medical condition I have is thoroughly documented, that she has letters from my doctors, that I’ve done nothing wrong, and that I can sue if they fire me for being absent when I had called in and followed procedure.

I was escorted by HR and a couple managers “calmly and without incident” as they say, but I was upset. As we walked towards the HR office, I just didn’t want to hear the rejection. I just didn’t want to deal with rejections anymore. I’m a good person. I care about my work. I do a great job. Why can’t you bastards just allow me to take the 2-3 days off that I need every month because I really am bedridden from the pain of an incurable illness?
WHY?

So I ran. I ran away from them. Suddenly the corporate office turned into a warehouse and I was on the ground level, running towards a back entrance out of one of the big loading dock garage type doors. It was light outside but sort of hazy, like you get in the mornings in the winter.
They ran after me and kept calling for me to stop. At some point I did stop and just stood against a wall, waiting for them to catch up to me. By this time, there were more managers and clearly I’d caused a commotion. I had a circle of people huddled around me and I was backed against the wall.
The HR person read to me why I was being fired and yes, it was because of my monthly absenses related to my health condition, but they felt they were completely in the right for what they were doing. I felt like I was having my Miranda Rights read to me, I swear.
My belongings from my desk were handed to me and I walked out of the building, into the hazy morning light.

When I woke up, I had the daycare agency on my mind. I was really pissed off all over again at having been rejected. And I’m pissed off that the company that fired me back in October has caused these recurring nightmares every time I have to talk to another company about potential employment. If this isn’t a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I don’t know what is!

When I got out of bed and went over to the computer, I saw that I’m not the only one who’s still thinking about what the daycare agency did to me - I got a note from Mel on my journal entry about the agency rejection, and replied to her before taking my car into the shop (more on that in another post). Thanks again Mel for your caring thoughts!

Two days after the agency rejection, I got a letter from the Labor Board about the other job that fired me, letting me know my case has been assigned. I thought it was ALREADY assigned but no, it was just HANDED OFF until now. Now it’s assigned, and I was asked to send more evidence if I have it. I’ve just been in a depressed funk and barely able to do much - the depression worsening now that I think about it when the fecking daycare agency rejected me five days ago.

So right now I’ll go send off the additional evidence (emails and chat logs) to the dude my case is assigned to at the Labor Board, and I’ll mention what the daycare agency did as well.

And after that, I’ll need a shower and a clearing/grounding ritual to clear away the anger and bitterness. Today I’m meeting with a friend so we can discuss our “Unemployable and Unreasonable” goals to keep each other motivated towards our respective self-employment paths.