I Will Not Suffer In Silence

My husband had woken me up about two hours after my last journal entry, to say he was going to take off to game night, unless I needed him to stay with me. I pleaded with him to stay. He said he would, but that he just didn’t know what to do if I was going to spend the rest of the day sleeping.
I told him that made me feel guilty - that he should just go to game, then.

It was clear he didn’t want to leave me alone, but he didn’t want to not be with his friends. It took me about 20 minutes or so to rouse myself out of my pain and pain medication stupor, but I told him “why don’t I just go with you to game, then?”

He liked that idea.

We collected my heating pads, my meds, the laptop in case I wanted to blog or attempt any homework, and two books; one for school and one for pleasure.

We got to our friend’s house and to my dismay, it smelled like smoke. I have a smoke allergy/chemical sensitivity. I was grouchy at my friend C - “WHY DID YOU SMOKE IN YOUR HOUSE.”
C replied, “Yeah but that was hours ago.”

I resigned to my fate - I was stuck here. My husband was already setting up the kitchen table for game night.

I was told where I could make myself comfortable, and I was told that a friend J, who lives in that house, was downstairs with a burst ovarian cyst. I didn’t want to disturb her unless I heard her crying out in pain, so I stayed upstairs in my own little world of pain.

I tried to heat up my heating pads, only to be reminded that they do not have a microwave in that house. I was directed to a big heating pad and was allowed to use that.

The offending smoker friend also helped set me up on his wireless network, but the moment I was set up, I was suddenly exhausted again and so I put the laptop away. I couldn’t even keep my eyes open long enough to hold conversation with anyone, watch TV, or read a book.

A third friend, also named J, who lives in that house, was also not feeling well. He sat in the living room on his laptop the entire night. He’s had spinal cord injury and had surgery after surgery to cauterise nerves. He thinks nerves are growing back or something, and is in a lot of pain again. I gave him one of my Tylenol 3 because he did not have any Norco on him.

At one point, around 8pm, the stabbing right side ovarian pain returned. I ended up on the floor, moaning in pain, rocking to and fro, with the heating pad. I was on all fours, then on my back, and then I settled into an arm chair w/ ottoman for the rest of the night. Their crazy cat October decided to be nice for once, and curled up on my tummy and purred all night. I was told she only likes women, and likes women best when they are in pain - that is the ONLY time that cat is nice.
Crazy cat.

So, the pain I had on Sunday lasted through until after 10pm, despite the fact that the bleeding had subsided again. My abs and ribs still felt bruised all that day.

I got home, showered, changed into my bedclothes, and went to bed.

Woke up Monday morning pain-free and got ready for my first day back to work. I was still spotting a little. I decided to try riding my bike to work, but as I went out the door to go to work, the pain set back in, and so I abandoned the bicycling idea and drove the measly one mile to work, instead. Glad I did. I needed my energy at work to move stuff around and help set up for the new school year.
I required a total of 800mg Advil to get through the day.

Got home and was very tired, but went on to my psychology appointment. I’m seeing a shrink again ever since I had a major depressive episode at the end of July. I’m still trying to figure out if it was JUST all the stress I have been under from school and finances, or if the Cannabidiol I tried for pain management set off an even worse episode of pre-existing stress and depression.
I evened out by August 18, but that was three weeks of pure hell from one menstrual cycle right up into this next menstrual cycle, which started on August 19. I am still on anti-anxiety meds (ativan).

I spent the rest of Monday evening hanging out with my husband, making and eating dinner, and watching TV. No homework got done on Monday.

Today is a new day - I start the clock so to speak - I have 21 days til next bedridden. Today I will go to work (not sure if driving or biking yet - it’s supposed to be in the 90s today so I guess biking would be better on the ozone), and when I get home, I will force myself to do some more homework.

In about 8 days, I will have Mittelschmerz - so the middle of next week - the first week the children are back to school. Hopefully it will go easy on me while I navigate my first week in the classroom.

One last thing - about last week sometime, I developed a cough again. So this is the second virus / cough since July 18 that I have caught. And now I’m going to enter a new school year with preschoolers. I expect to be sick continually in one form or another until December. I am pounding Vitamin C and Zinc and all the rest of my supplements, and will be back in the gym by no later than Thursday this week, once the heat wave cools down. Today is Day 2 of the first heat wave of the Northern California Summer.

And the cough came back last night, full on with lung gunk. Still coughing a lung this morning. Ugh.

Still super tired but now I’m guessing it’s because I’m still sick, not because I’m catching up on sleep.

This is not the first, second or third time I have had a relapse in an upper respiratory tract infection after spending days bedridden. The reason is that I’m hopped up on a lot of codeine when I’m experiencing excruciating pelvic pain, and the codeine also acts as a cough suppressant. Once I come off all the codeine, the upper respiratory tract infection resumes as it was before.

Despite the fatigue and cough, I am going to spend the day cleaning house and I may attempt a bike ride.

Homework is on hold today and possibly tomorrow. I can’t live in a dusty, mildewy house when I’m sick because I’ll get sicker. The house had no care that I can detect over the week that I was living in a motel for school. It didn’t get cared for at all during the commute days or intermittent motel stays, either. My husband insists he did a lot of housework, but I can only see dishes and laundry and catbox were done. That is not enough. We have severe dust and mold allergies. The bathroom is a nightmare again and hasn’t been cleaned since I last did it a month ago.

The dust and cat hair tumbleweeds threatens to eat us alive.

BAH!

MEN!!!

Today the pain and bleeding have subsided. I have only had minor pain with the occasional stabbing in both ovaries and the uterus. I’m still constipated. I have not had any pain meds yet today.

I’m still sick with a cough and chest congestion. I have not taken any cough syrup for it yet today, because it has codeine in it, which is constipating. I’m just coughing the junk up. Maybe tonight I’ll take more cough syrup.

Today I had an appointment with the pain management shrink, so I checked our financial status to see where I should pull money for the co-pay and parking fees. This is when I got a huge shock; apparently the school decided to deposit two checks at the same time after having held onto them for a couple of weeks. Apparently I had budgeted the money, assumed the checks were cashed, and continued spending money from the account without looking. This is something I always do. I have created lists and lists. I have printed my account balances out. I have tried spreadsheets and checkbook registers….and STILL I do not keep a tight enough mental handle on my money. STILL it flies out the door unchecked.
This time around, I even went so far as to print out the bank statements nearly every week and set it on my husband’s desk so he could provide the ‘checks and balances’ - the oversight - in case I had failed.

Well, he didn’t look at the balances too closely, or didn’t care. Worse, he didn’t keep the printouts with my side margin maths. He thinks he just glanced at the stuff and threw it away. There goes the oversight!

So we are in the hole - the joint account is completely drained, with bouncing checks and overdraft fees. My personal bank account has less than $300 in it (I need at least $300 in order to not be fined each month for falling below balance).

And there’s my credit cards - both are maxed out; one is at $2K and the other is at $6K. Most of that damage happened in May, 2009 for the honeymoon, and the cards were finished off in May, 2010 when we went to Michigan. Payments on those cards are due in the next week.

So now I owe my own husband over $1,000, and I still owe my employer at least $100 for a hotel stay during summer school, and I still owe the training school $325 for the last class I took.

Then there’s the medical bills - I owe hundreds of dollars in co-pays for the MRI, the ultrasound and the Emergency Room visit I had because of a co-worker wearing Chanel perfume to work - who knew I’d go nearly anaphylactic?

The school costs and the credit cards are due ASAP. The medical bills can wait.

I have ongoing appointments with all kinds of medical professionals - acupuncture, the head of pain management, the pain management shrink, and massage. I can no longer afford any of this unless my husband hands me the cash on the spot.

I’m going to make yet another list for him tonight, because he said he will crunch numbers and see what he can offer me.
He’s already paying all of the rent, most of the groceries, and all of the bills. *sigh*

I am not scheduled to return to work til the end of August. I have so much homework that I NEED that time off, anyway.

The financial mess I’ve gotten us into has wrecked me emotionally. I thought I’d planned well enough to avoid this, and yet here we are. I cried at the pain management shrink today, but not about the finances. I cried about my illness necessitating all of these appointments. I skirted around the financial issue and focused on the quality of life issue. I said I just want to go back to ‘blissful ignorance’ and just stop trying to MANAGE this illness, when it just seems that there’s no managing it.
The truth is that I NEED to learn how to manage my stress and my pain, so I NEED these pain management clinics. I just think however that I can get what I NEED for FREE through the dispensaries, thanks to my Prop. 215 certification. So I’ll make out the list of services I need and see if I can get everything I need from the dispensaries, and sadly I will have to fire UCSF because it’s a huge financial drain.

In other news:
Today I am starting the kidney and liver detox diet. It lasts one month. I am not going to do the gallstone flush at the end of the month, because I do not believe it works. I do however still believe in the detox itself. Here are the details:

DETOX WEEK 1

Night before first day - Make kidney tea.
1 Tbs. Tea mix into 1 cup cold water in non-metal pot (enamel or glass)
Heat to boiling point (do not boil) and then turn down to simmer for 20 minutes. Leave out overnight. Can be made a few days at a time, extra to be refrigerated.
Warm (do not boil) before drinking.

Breakfast: (or at any time of day) Kidney Tea: Strain tea. Warm and drink one cup.

Supplements before meal: 2 clove capsules

Supplements with meal:
1 ginger
1 Uva Ursi

Lunch: Supplements before meal: 2 clove capsules

Supplements with meal: 1 ginger

Dinner: Supplements before meal: 2 clove capsules
7 wormwood capsules

Seven Vegetable Soup OR Parsley Tea 1 cup boiling water, steep a few tbs. chopped parsley for 3 minutes, strain & drink (or at any time of day)

Supplements with meal: 1 ginger
2 Uva Ursi

Before Bed: 3 tsp. Black walnut tincture in 1 cup of water

Make tea for following day if needed

Do not consume caffeine in any form (coffee, sodas, teas, chocolate) as it is counterproductive.

I forgot to make the tea so I’ll do that this afternoon. I forgot to take the 7 Vegetable Soup out of the freezer, so I just did that now and it should be ready for me by tomorrow night.

Today is heavy and painful. After 7am, I woke with severe low back pain that left me hunched over further than I normally am when I get out of bed or a chair in pain. I could have scraped my fingertips on the ground, it seemed I was bent over so far.

I ate some cereal and almond milk, and consumed a whole Tylenol 3 pill first thing this morning. I went back to bed with a heating pad on my lower back, and alternated between the cat/dog and the cat/cow yoga poses on the floor and on the bed. I whimpered a lot.

Then I went back to the kitchen and reheated my corn and rice heating pads. I sat down in the kitchen chair while waiting, and my pain dissipated. So I’ve been in this same chair ever since, reheating the pads as necessary. That’s about 4 hours now I’ve been in this chair, but the pain is manageable. The moment I get up and walk to the bathroom, the pain starts again. So here’s where I’ll stay, like I should have done yesterday.

I’d also like to point out that my pain was managed well by the Tylenol 3 for the past four hours, and I have been coherent and rational, albeit moderately sleepy.

It just sucks that a synthetic pain relief pill which eats my kidneys and liver works better for pain management than a plant growing in nature, which will not kill my kidneys and liver but will put me in a vegetative state for 8 or more hours.

I’ve tried Sativa. I’ve tried Kush. I’ve tried Indica. Now I’ve tried CBD. All make me incredibly high, even on low dose, with minimal pain relief.
Actually, the Indica, Sativa and Kush INCREASED my pain.

Bleh.

I am currently on round two of medication for the day: 400mg Ibuprofen and half a Tylenol 3.

Gonna try to get some homework done.

6:48pm edit:
Around 4pm I took my third round of medication - a full Tylenol 3. So it was about 8am, 12pm, 4pm.
At 6:48pm it became suddenly hard to breathe. Maybe didn’t drink enough water today. Chugging water now and going to lay down. I am happy to have gotten about six hours of homework done!

8:07pm edit:
I do not understand why, for two days in a row, I’ve become full on high as a kite on medication taken hours earlier. Today it was nearly three hours after I had taken my last dose of Tylenol 3, and suddenly I was high as a kite and it was hard to breathe. I had the codeine suffocation like I’d taken too much of it. When I went to lay down, I began getting piercing pain in the abdominal wall, just to the left of my belly button.
And then the coughing fit started. I spent 20-25 minutes coughing violently while in bed. I coughed til my throat bled. Every breath in itched. This could have been a dust allergy interacting with the upper respiratory tract infection, I dunno. The news says there’s a Pertussis outbreak. I am supposedly vaccinated against it, but my immune system is non-existent so who knows.

My coughing fit did not calm down until I applied eucalyptus chest rub to my chest and inhaled it off of a cotton ball. I am so glad I spent the cash on that stuff at the hippie store.

Two last things: #1 the weather has been mild and sunny for the past two days and I have not seen any of it due to the pain and medication haze.
#2 I forgot to mention that I had called my GYN about the greyish clot I found two days ago, and I heard back from the doctor’s office yesterday, just as I was fighting the last bits of coherency as the cannabidiol took me down.
The person I spoke with said it’s entirely possible that my endometrioma ruptured and that could be what I am seeing what with all the grey and dark brown blood and debris. I expressed worry over what my innards must be covered in, if this is diseased material that ruptured inside of me. She told me there’s no way of knowing what, if any damage has been done. She wrote off my worry. Stupid human.

This is where it gets interesting - I Wait For It and find out just how bad the pain gets as new growths and adhesions start to take root…if in fact the endometrioma did rupture.

Go me.

Yesterday was Day 1. George was a day late. I suspect he was a day late because I went swimming on Saturday and also drank two Sangrias. The swimming was fun, I treaded water and moved my arms back and forth a lot to get in an upper body workout. We were at our friend’s apartment that day.

Sunday morning, I began spotting, and it was dark brown with clots already present.

At Noon Sunday, I attended a free Alexander Technique pain management class through my local dispensary. I intend to go every Sunday. The instructor helps train us to make better choices with the way we move our bodies relative to our pain issues. Yesterday there were three of us in the class.

After that class, which lasts an hour, my husband took me and our friend G to the movie theatre to see Inception. The movie was a nice little mindtwister, I liked it. After the movie, I used the toilet, and discovered a greyish mass in the dark brown and maroon blood clots when I wiped myself.
GREY! Like I’d see on my surgery photos of what colour the endometriosis is INSIDE of me! I was not okay with this!

Twelve minutes ago, I ingested a zero sized veggie cap filled with medical grade cannabidiol. The dispensary had them in 00 capsules, but I thought that since I’m already so sensitive to everything on the planet, I should try a 0, instead. So here we are, Waiting For It.

…

Twenty-three minutes have passed and I am now feeling a bit mentally cloudy, and I am burping up the taste of cannabis. I’ve always hated the taste and smell of this stuff.
The pain is still with me and has been hovering at about a 7 on the pain scale, with sharp twinges on the left ovary shooting me up to 8.5 on the pain scale every so often.

…

Thirty minutes in, and I’m feeling a bit nauseous. My stomach is gurgling a lot and I’m still burping up the icky taste.
I am drinking Hobee’s Cinnamon Orange tea, which contains black tea, orange peel, cloves, rose hips, and oddly, no cinnamon.

…

Forty-six minutes in, and I’m getting sharp uterine pains which radiate to my lower back. I don’t feel blitzed on the stuff like I would had I smoked it, but I am still waiting for pain relief. I am bleeding heavily today, and have already bled through a thick fabric pad to my underwear.

I am still sick and coughing up thick green mucous in the morning. My husband entered the bedroom after his morning shower and I began gagging on the scent of his shampoo again. He got all offended as he always does when I told him his shampoo is killing me. I told him it’s worse for me right now because not only am I on my period, I also have an upper respiratory tract infection going on, so my sense of smell is heightened, and along with that my chemical sensitivities. He promised tomorrow morning to use the unscented shampoo I bought weeks ago. I think he’s enjoyed not having my chemically sensitive self around while I’ve been at school. I spent all of last week in a motel, and I’ve been staying in a motel on and off for six weeks, so he’s not had to worry about chemicals and fragrances. I shocked him back to reality this morning.
We think we traced the source of the illness - the friend I suspected (M) says she suspects our other friend (P). The timing makes sense - we were both hanging out with P on Thursday, July 15th. M and her husband had given me and P a ride. That night, P had a cough. Then on Friday, M & P hung out again. M said P looked really bad by then. By Saturday, M was sick, and P had lost her voice, but still came out to another event - a friend’s birthday - which I also attended.
P showed up again for the AIDS Walk on Sunday, July 18th; we gave her a ride and hung out all day with her. M also showed up for the AIDS Walk. While P was not coughing so much, M was full on sick by now, coughing a lot.
By 7pm that night, I developed a cough. Four days later, I sounded like a barking sea lion in the evenings and mornings, and that’s where it is even today, another four days after that. My ears have been plugging up and my eyes have wanted to stick shut, they’ve been so gooey. My friend M says I have perhaps another week before I start to feel better, and her husband also caught the illness and has a full blown ear infection, now. UGH.
Despite all this, my husband keeps insisting on kissing on me, because he’s missed me so much. I warned him, and he doesn’t care. Boys.

…

We are at the hour mark now since I ingested the cannabis. As long as I don’t move around, the pain is about at a 4.5 at the moment. I am sitting with one leg crossed under the other on a hard wooden chair. I am uncomfortable and the foot tucked under my leg is falling asleep. So I will have to move. Let’s see if I can relocate to the bedroom and what that does to the pain level.

…

Okay, that was about 20 minutes of moving supplies and myself to the new location, from the kitchen table to the bed. I had to make the bed, set up the wooden bed desk, unplug and move the laptop to the beddesk, plug it back in, and move my homework 3-ring binders and supplies to the bed so that I can attempt some homework today.
At first, while doing all this, I noticed that there was a spike in pain, but I was happily dissociated from it. I could tell there was tightening in the pelvic region, down through my hips. I could feel a burning sensation, but it didn’t hurt. However, after nearly 20 minutes of movement, the pain screamed through the medication, and now here I am, sitting on the bed with a heating pad on my pelvis and a heating pad on my lower back, doing my breathing exercises.
All the movement required to transport things to the bedroom also kicked up the effects of the medication, and now I am even more fuzzy-headed than I was before. I think I may need to sleep, soon. Not moving is in my best interest.

My review of the edible cannabis so far is that although it takes an hour to kick in, I think it might be a viable alternative to the Tylenol 3, if I remember that I still should stay home from work and force bed rest. I accept the fact that there is nothing on the market that will both alleviate my pain and keep me alert and sober.

…

It’s been nearly an hour now since I moved location from kitchen to bedroom, and the sharp pains are still with me, dammit. I should not have poked the hornet’s nest. I am considering taking half a Tylenol 3 and some Ibuprofen at this point. The pain is at 7.5 on the pain scale, and burning.

…

Just over an hour since moving location, and two hours since I ingested the cannabidiol. I sat up instead of reclining back, and that helped the pain go down momentarily, but now it’s back again. The pain is still burning throughout the uterus and radiating to the lower back. Still 7.5 on the pain scale. The heating pads are not hot enough. I am going to rewarm them and also ingest 600mg ibuprofen and half a Tylenol 3.

This concludes today’s medicinal experiment.

Results: recommended alternative to Tylenol 3, as long as I do not move around. Experiment needs to be repeated when I have the emotional strength to try it again. Right now however, I have reached my emotional and physical breaking point with the pain, and I feel that I need the codeine, acetaminophen and ibuprofen cocktail.

4:52pm Update:
About four hours ago, I took a half a Tylenol 3 and 600mg of Ibuprofen, and I did that just over two hours after taking a dose of cannabidiol.

I slept for two hours.

Roughly 45 minutes ago, I took a second dose of the Tylenol 3 - only half a pill, because the pain started ramping up again.
Just over the half-hour mark, I was suddenly supremely stoned. Holy shit. I’m never this freaking high on one half of a Tylenol 3. I know this is the remnants of the cannabidiol, because of the way the high feels. I feel like I just keep ramping up and up, I feel like I’m being launched into outer space.

I uh… I’m gonna go lay down again.

I was fine around the school kids - I had acclimated to their germs.

It’s the adults coughing and breathing their sickie germs near me that killed me last weekend, and this is NOT the first time.

I’m full on with the gunk and the sea lion cough - the cough started within a day of exposure and keeps getting worse.

Excuse me if I leave a party or event with sick adults next time. Better yet, they should stay home! There were five sickie adults at a dinner party! Ugh.

So once again, I get to go through bedridden menstrual pain hell - with a bad cold.

And people wonder why sometimes I want to torch humanity.

The pain hit while I was watching and photographing other people’s presentations. I am the class photographer, so I felt I could not rest. I did stretches when I could. I did wide hip circles when I could. I ingested 600mg Advil gel-caps.

During the first presentation right after lunch, I was standing and photographing when I got dizzy. I regrouped. Then a few minutes later, my knees buckled. I steadied myself and lowered myself to the ground. My classmate, who also has endometriosis, was sitting on the floor nearby and rushed over to me, asking if I was alright. I told her I’d almost fallen and she said, “I know, I was ready to spot you.”
That’s when I finally acknowledged to myself, “yes, I really am in bad shape, and now other people can tell.” My face went red with embarrassment, even though no one was looking at me because I was in the back of the group watching the presentation. My classmate took my camera and told me she’d continue photographing for me.

The presentation finished, and that’s when one of the people in my presentation group came up to me and said she was leaving. She suffers from chronic migraines, and she also got her period this week, which has been the worst pain she’s been in, in a long time. She was on day three of killer cramps. I looked up at her all wrapped up in blankies and heating pads, with her sunglasses on because indoor lighting was too bright for her. I said, “I’m right behind you, I might go, too.”

Next thing I know, our team is being called to present the next lesson. I thought I had at least one more presentation before our group, so I called out to a member of my group, saying I was not ready, I need more time. Team member 1 went home already. Team member 2 came to me and asked if I was in pain, I told her yes. She told me that she and Team member 3 would go on without me and Team member 1, and that it is okay, they understand, and they will be fine up there together. I pleaded with her to ask for more time. She told me really, it’s OKAY, and gave me a genuine look that said, “just stay there, rest, it’s okay.”

I burst into tears.

The guilt! The failure! All that preparation! Would I get an incomplete? We abandoned our team mates!

Now other classmates were looking at me. Ugh. I slowly got up, knees still buckling, and staggered into the kitchen to cry alone.
And cry alone I did. I sobbed silently and sniffled a lot. I needed my medication but it was in the other room. I was not comfortable sitting or standing, and I did not want to lay down on the floor. I settled into a cafeteria chair.
I felt trapped. My legs were not working right. Everyone was watching the presentation. My endo buddy was photographing for me. I was alone. I was embarrassed for losing my cool and crying like this. I cried and cried.

When at last I felt I could compose myself, I slowly rose from the chair, and walked slowly out of the kitchen, through the presentation room, where another presentation was going on, and made my way to the public restroom.

After all that pain and suffering, I had nothing to show for it. No bleeding has started, yet.

This has happened to me often enough, but it never fails to make me that much more pissed off at my body. If I’m going to have that much pain, why can’t I already be on my period? Why do I have to have all that pain before my period, then go through the period on such continued pain?

It’s not fair!!!

I emerged from the restroom and went to the classroom, where I was finally able to take a half of a tylenol 3. I sat at my desk and cried some more. Eventually I slowly walked back out and watched the last presentation, then slowly helped my teammates clean up our presentation area, and rejoined the class for the closing presentations/goodbyes. One presentation entailed lighted candles to represent the constellations, while some smoopy song played which talked about how bright we are. I cried AGAIN.

OMG CAN THE PREMENSTRUAL HORMONES PLEASE STOP ALREADY!

I think my problem is that I have been stuck with these women for six weeks. Their pheremones have invaded and disrupted my hormonal system. Even worse, this week I had the migraine/cramp lady sitting on one side of me, and a heavily pregnant woman sitting on the other side of me!

Don’t TELL me that didn’t have anything to do with my pain and emotional state! Women’s bodies are creepy.

After class, a lot of classmates were concerned about me or morbidly curious, and i had to answer the same question probably 10 times. I’d even visually disturbed a male classmate, who said he would pray for my pain to ease up. I got teary eyed AGAIN and thanked him.

SOMEONE OR SOMETHING PLEASE KILL ME. Make it quick.

My endo buddy lugged all my coursework and backpack and shoulder bag down the flight of stairs after school, went and fetched my car, and loaded everything into the car for me.

I stopped off for take-away dinner on the way back to the motel, and now here i am, typing out my saga to you, with puffy, stinging eyes. I’m ready for a bath and bed, and it’s only 8pm.

This is the second bad pain day this week - Tuesday was also bad. Today was much worse than Tuesday. The shooting pains made me yelp out, and when the pain finally got so bad, it was an 8 on the pain scale.

Oh and the cold I’m fighting is also settling into my lungs. I’ll keep you posted on that, too.

Please, honestly, something - just quickly put me out of my misery. I’m so done with this. It’s not fair. I’m mad. I’m upset. I’m tired of this. It’s just not fair.

Just a quick update to say I’ve not had time to check comments for this blog - I’ll get to it this weekend, I promise. :)

I am in my last week of the summer intensive teacher training, but the homework will still follow me for another couple of weeks.

George is due this weekend, so downtime is definitely coming, and I’m not going to be able to focus on my homework too much as a result. In fact, I fear that george will be early, because I’ve been trapped in a room full of women all summer. Last week, my new friend from school, who also has endometriosis, had her painful cycle and I drove her home a couple of times. This week, another classmate who is sitting next to me has gotten her period, and it is unusually painful for her. She’s been sitting in class doubled over her heating pad, trying to get through the lessons. She says she’d normally take time off for her body when the pain is this bad, but she did not want to have to make up the classwork.

I fear the pheremones or hormones or whatnot might be acting on me, along with the horrid diet I have kept, and the high stress I have had - all from being in summer school and living in motels on and off. This week, I have spent the entire week so far in a motel because it got to be too stressful to commute the hour and a half back and forth to school each day. I had no time to get homework done.
In any case, I have been experiencing pelvic pain since Monday morning. I have been on lots of ibuprofen all week. The worst pain day was Tuesday, when I began checking for blood, because I was sure george would arrive any second. I’d say the pain reached 5.5 on the pain scale. It was intermittent shooting death all day, too.

The pelvic pain was on top of the leg, thigh, calf and foot pain I was already experiencing, as I had walked over 8 miles on Sunday for the AIDS Walk. The walk itself is 6 miles, but we walked much further all told, getting to and from our table on the meadow, and all the running around I had to do after the walk to prepare for school the next day.
So it’s been a pretty painful week with these two factors combined. I *still* hurt from the walk.

On top of all of this, I have caught a cold, because several friends are sick and decided to show up to two social events I was at last weekend. I really wish people wouldn’t be so selfish. Yes, I know our friend is turning 40. Yes, I know you signed up for the AIDS Walk. But you are sick. STAY THE HELL HOME. I’m miffed at these people. I don’t know which one of the five it was who got me sick by breathing on me, or if it was all combined, but I’m miffed.

I’m excited to have been able to go on a date with my husband last night - he drove down to see me and intimate fun was had, and no pain afterwards, thank the gods. I’m excited that I might make it through my last day of class today, but fearful that george may show up during my practicum orientation meeting tomorrow.

We’ll see how it goes.

Hoo boy. I need to do a sum-up. I’ve been noting all the details of my health in another diary that I keep. It hasn’t had anything to do with endometriosis, so I’ve not been spewing it, here. However, I’m in full on pity-party mode, so I’ll share some details here. The best way to get across how I’m feeling will be in visual format (click image to make bigger):

I’ve not had a day where I’ve felt alive and well since January 22 - a full month ago.

The red dashes through calendar dates means I missed work that day.
Anything in purple text denotes multiple chemical sensitivity reaction or danger of reaction. The oil spill remains a ‘danger of reaction’ since I have not had anything immediate happen. I went to the doctor’s office on Wednesday, February 17, because when I’d tried to go back to work that morning, it felt like my lung was collapsing. The chilly morning air and the thick fog made my lungs ache badly and it became hard for me to breathe. I looked pasty white. I barely fixed my hair to go to work, I was so sick. I turned right around and came back home because my lungs hurt so bad and I was having trouble breathing. I was able to get into the doctor’s office at noon that day, and saw a different doctor. She listened to my heart and lungs. She said I have ‘junk’ in my lungs, and that I was wheezing. She gave me my first ever albuterol treatment (nebulizer delivery).
Although it cleared my lungs and made for velvety smooth breathing for the next six and a half hours, the ingredients in the albuterol treatment also made me very light headed, gave me tremors, and removed my ability to concentrate. I darted my eyes and head around and had anxiety all day long. I told the doctor I can’t work in that state, and that the treatment is no better than the illness itself. I opted to stay home another day.

When I got back home, I found Alameda County Industries vehicles all over the intersection near my home. They were shoveling a sand like material onto a spill of some sort, which was all up and down two streets and filled the intersection. I saw a garbage or recycle truck with its hazard lights on. I went over to the working men and asked if it was hydraulic fluid that had spilled. They said it was. They assured me that the sand they were putting down was harmless, and was like ‘kitty litter’.

Please google hydraulic fluid toxicity to learn more, and also check out a news story about a woman who died after a similar accident.

I have also uploaded photos here. My lips were stinging when I got back into the house last night after taking pictures. I should have worn a mask of course. Of course.

I shed all my clothes in the kitchen and put them in a garbage bag. I took a shower immediately. Thankfully I did not have any immediate chemical sensitivity reaction to the spill. Only time will tell if I will become sick from the spill.

On top of all the viruses and multiple chemical sensitivity crap, now my period is two days early after I’d declared to my husband that I was sure it would be late, since I was not feeling any premenstrual pain. Nothing - no warning cramps, no having to check myself because it ‘feels’ like I could be bleeding. No ovarian stabby. Just HELLO! an hour after I got home from the doctor’s office.

The thing is, I *did* have some premenstrual cramping last Thursday - after my acupuncture appointment. I’d seen the acupuncturist for the sinus infection, but while there, she did some lower back work on me, cuz she knew my period was coming. That night, I felt low, dull pain in the lower back and at the back of the uterus. It was barely registered on the pain scale though - just faint rustlings.
On Friday, I had some slightly more annoying rustlings, but still, I did not need medication. Then on Saturday and Sunday I had no pre-menstrual cramping at all, most likely because my body was busy dealing with a yeast infection, which I get every single time I take antibiotics.
Please don’t tell me to try eating yoghurt or probiotics when on antibiotics, I already do that. Please don’t tell me to keep hydrated when on antibiotics, I certainly do that. I still get yeast infections, every time.

I decided to get a one-day Monistat™ treatment. I did that Sunday night right before bed.

I woke in the early hours Monday morning to use the bathroom. I wiped and … something wasn’t right.
My inner labia were hanging way down past my outer labia, and they were thick; puffed out, and stiff as boards. My heart jumped. WTF is going on!?!?
I wiped again, and the labia let me know they weren’t happy. It stung - it burned. I could feel my pulse in my labia.

I phoned up my family doctor and my gynecologist and left messages. I decided to not outright openly panic, so I got ready for work. It hurt to wear slacks, or tights, or even underwear for that matter. It hurt to sit down of course.

I went to work anyway. The doctors offices called back - the gynecologist wholly misunderstood my voicemail and told me I should try Monistat or Diflucan for my yeast infection. The family doctor got me an appointment after work.

By the time I got out of work, the swelling in my labia had gone down considerably, but it still hurt and pulsed with discomfort, so I went to the doctor. He did an external exam - not a pelvic - to examine the labia. There’s nothing he can do - just have to wait for the swelling to go down. I told him I discontinued use of the antibiotics. He said that was fine.

I got home from the doctor, and before dinnertime, discovered that my period had arrived without warning.

So now that george is here, I will go to bed and see what tomorrow brings - will I be able to go to work, or will the pain leave me bedridden?

Stay tuned…

Wow, déjà vu.

Just like last month, I went from being bedridden with endometriosis to being sick with a virus.

Once again, I’m kicked when I’m down, thanks to my immune system being deficient, thanks to endometriosis and allergies and lord knows what else I have going on immunologically.

Friday night I was at a taqueria eating dinner with my husband when suddenly I didn’t feel well.
That night, I had 3 episodes of diarrhea. I was uncertain whether it was a food reaction or food poisoning.

On Saturday, I had 17 episodes of diarrhea. I was more certain that it had to be food poisoning, since I’ve never had an allergic reaction this bad before. I barely ate a thing that day, and it was a struggle to even take water.
My entire trunk region was sore. I felt like I’d been doing too many situps - the stomach muscles were strained.
My husband took me to the store, and I am not kidding - I bought baby wipes and diaper rash cream for myself.

On Sunday, I began eating Cream of Rice with mashed banana. However, Sunday evening, we were at a friend’s house and he’d made some wonderful food, as did his other guests. I partook of a thin slice of steak, some kielbasa and onions, and some cole slaw. I drank a Vernors soda, even though it has corn syrup in it, because where I grew up, Vernors is what you drank to soothe an upset tummy.
Within an hour and a half, I had moderate to severe stabbing stomach cramps. I had to steel myself from the pain. When we got home at 9pm Sunday night, the diarrhea began - 8 episodes of it.

Today is the second day in a row that I did not have diarrhea upon waking. Today is the second day in a row that my stomach and intestines tried to stabilise - until I fed myself something other than Cream of Rice with mashed banana. This afternoon it resulted in moderate nausea and stomach and intestinal gurgles. I’m worn out. I’m tired as hell. And I worked a full day today on top of it.

I didn’t want to go in to work today, but I was still partially in denial about actually being SICK sick…even though on my way to work, I called to cancel my appointment with a physical trainer. To be fair, I took my temperature at work and it was 99.8°F at 11am. I hinted that I should go home, but the director told me I was fine. The secretary told me I was fine.
What they meant was, “Lunch rush is coming up in the next half hour, and we’re short staffed. You have to stay, we need you.”

I did stay on, but that’s when I called my doctor and scored an appointment after work. The doctor told me that it’s not JUST a food reaction I’ve been having, and it DEFINITELY WASN’T food poisoning.
The doctor is certain that I have an enterovirus. She said it’s going around - she’s seen patients with my exact symptoms for over a week, now.

I know that what’s going on with me IS also a food reaction on top of the enterovirus, because my left thumb is covered in flaky dermatitis, and my thumb is cracked and will probably start bleeding tomorrow.

According to MedScape, I was harbouring the enterovirus for up to a week before the diarrhea hit me on Friday. It says, “The average incubation period is 3-10 days, during which the virus migrates to regional lymphoid tissue and replicates. Minor viremia results, which is associated with the onset of symptoms and viral spread to the reticuloendothelial system (spleen, liver, bone marrow).”

Another MedScape article says, “The enterovirus enters the human host through the GI or respiratory tract. The cell surfaces of the GI tract serve as viral receptors, and initial replication begins in the local lymphatic GI tissue. The virus seeds into the bloodstream, causing a minor viremia on the third day of infection. The virus then invades organ systems, causing a second viremic episode on days 3-7. This second viremic episode is consistent with the biphasic prodromal illness. The infection can progress to CNS involvement during the major viremic phase or at a later time. Antibody production in response to enteroviral infections occurs within the first 7-10 days.”

I could have caught it at my neighbor’s house when we went over there last Tuesday to watch the season premier of the last season of LOST.
I could have caught it from my new psychiatrist’s office on my first visit.
I could have caught it at work.
I could have caught it anywhere.

The bum deal out of all of this is that I went from being bedridden with endometriosis pain right into being laid out flat with massive diarrhea for three days. I lost two weekends of fun out of that deal. I didn’t get to see an old high school acquaintance who was in town for the weekend. Worst of all, I went out on Sunday to a party while still sick with the virus, because I was convinced it was food poisoning and/or food reaction I was still dealing with, and now I may have infected other people.

When I left out of the doctor’s office, it was raining, and I hadn’t brought my raincoat with me. I walked in the rain back to my car, parked a block and a half away. When I got home, I took a blow dryer to my hair, put some dishes in the new dishwasher my husband recently bought, scooped the cat litter, and got into my jammies and crawled into bed. I crawled out of bed to eat some yoghurt while my husband ate dinner - we sat on the couch and watched TV. Well actually I laid on the couch wrapped in blankets. Viruses make me feel like I’m freezing. The house is 71°F right now…

I’ll be staying home tomorrow - I made sure to get a doctor’s note the moment the doctor suggested I stay home. I called work the moment I left the doctor’s office to let everyone know I won’t be in.

Stupid immune system.

I guess if one can find a silver lining… I lost 6 pounds in 3 days. I’m down to 158lbs.