I Will Not Suffer In Silence

I was fine around the school kids - I had acclimated to their germs.

It’s the adults coughing and breathing their sickie germs near me that killed me last weekend, and this is NOT the first time.

I’m full on with the gunk and the sea lion cough - the cough started within a day of exposure and keeps getting worse.

Excuse me if I leave a party or event with sick adults next time. Better yet, they should stay home! There were five sickie adults at a dinner party! Ugh.

So once again, I get to go through bedridden menstrual pain hell - with a bad cold.

And people wonder why sometimes I want to torch humanity.

The pain hit while I was watching and photographing other people’s presentations. I am the class photographer, so I felt I could not rest. I did stretches when I could. I did wide hip circles when I could. I ingested 600mg Advil gel-caps.

During the first presentation right after lunch, I was standing and photographing when I got dizzy. I regrouped. Then a few minutes later, my knees buckled. I steadied myself and lowered myself to the ground. My classmate, who also has endometriosis, was sitting on the floor nearby and rushed over to me, asking if I was alright. I told her I’d almost fallen and she said, “I know, I was ready to spot you.”
That’s when I finally acknowledged to myself, “yes, I really am in bad shape, and now other people can tell.” My face went red with embarrassment, even though no one was looking at me because I was in the back of the group watching the presentation. My classmate took my camera and told me she’d continue photographing for me.

The presentation finished, and that’s when one of the people in my presentation group came up to me and said she was leaving. She suffers from chronic migraines, and she also got her period this week, which has been the worst pain she’s been in, in a long time. She was on day three of killer cramps. I looked up at her all wrapped up in blankies and heating pads, with her sunglasses on because indoor lighting was too bright for her. I said, “I’m right behind you, I might go, too.”

Next thing I know, our team is being called to present the next lesson. I thought I had at least one more presentation before our group, so I called out to a member of my group, saying I was not ready, I need more time. Team member 1 went home already. Team member 2 came to me and asked if I was in pain, I told her yes. She told me that she and Team member 3 would go on without me and Team member 1, and that it is okay, they understand, and they will be fine up there together. I pleaded with her to ask for more time. She told me really, it’s OKAY, and gave me a genuine look that said, “just stay there, rest, it’s okay.”

I burst into tears.

The guilt! The failure! All that preparation! Would I get an incomplete? We abandoned our team mates!

Now other classmates were looking at me. Ugh. I slowly got up, knees still buckling, and staggered into the kitchen to cry alone.
And cry alone I did. I sobbed silently and sniffled a lot. I needed my medication but it was in the other room. I was not comfortable sitting or standing, and I did not want to lay down on the floor. I settled into a cafeteria chair.
I felt trapped. My legs were not working right. Everyone was watching the presentation. My endo buddy was photographing for me. I was alone. I was embarrassed for losing my cool and crying like this. I cried and cried.

When at last I felt I could compose myself, I slowly rose from the chair, and walked slowly out of the kitchen, through the presentation room, where another presentation was going on, and made my way to the public restroom.

After all that pain and suffering, I had nothing to show for it. No bleeding has started, yet.

This has happened to me often enough, but it never fails to make me that much more pissed off at my body. If I’m going to have that much pain, why can’t I already be on my period? Why do I have to have all that pain before my period, then go through the period on such continued pain?

It’s not fair!!!

I emerged from the restroom and went to the classroom, where I was finally able to take a half of a tylenol 3. I sat at my desk and cried some more. Eventually I slowly walked back out and watched the last presentation, then slowly helped my teammates clean up our presentation area, and rejoined the class for the closing presentations/goodbyes. One presentation entailed lighted candles to represent the constellations, while some smoopy song played which talked about how bright we are. I cried AGAIN.

OMG CAN THE PREMENSTRUAL HORMONES PLEASE STOP ALREADY!

I think my problem is that I have been stuck with these women for six weeks. Their pheremones have invaded and disrupted my hormonal system. Even worse, this week I had the migraine/cramp lady sitting on one side of me, and a heavily pregnant woman sitting on the other side of me!

Don’t TELL me that didn’t have anything to do with my pain and emotional state! Women’s bodies are creepy.

After class, a lot of classmates were concerned about me or morbidly curious, and i had to answer the same question probably 10 times. I’d even visually disturbed a male classmate, who said he would pray for my pain to ease up. I got teary eyed AGAIN and thanked him.

SOMEONE OR SOMETHING PLEASE KILL ME. Make it quick.

My endo buddy lugged all my coursework and backpack and shoulder bag down the flight of stairs after school, went and fetched my car, and loaded everything into the car for me.

I stopped off for take-away dinner on the way back to the motel, and now here i am, typing out my saga to you, with puffy, stinging eyes. I’m ready for a bath and bed, and it’s only 8pm.

This is the second bad pain day this week - Tuesday was also bad. Today was much worse than Tuesday. The shooting pains made me yelp out, and when the pain finally got so bad, it was an 8 on the pain scale.

Oh and the cold I’m fighting is also settling into my lungs. I’ll keep you posted on that, too.

Please, honestly, something - just quickly put me out of my misery. I’m so done with this. It’s not fair. I’m mad. I’m upset. I’m tired of this. It’s just not fair.

Just a quick update to say I’ve not had time to check comments for this blog - I’ll get to it this weekend, I promise. :)

I am in my last week of the summer intensive teacher training, but the homework will still follow me for another couple of weeks.

George is due this weekend, so downtime is definitely coming, and I’m not going to be able to focus on my homework too much as a result. In fact, I fear that george will be early, because I’ve been trapped in a room full of women all summer. Last week, my new friend from school, who also has endometriosis, had her painful cycle and I drove her home a couple of times. This week, another classmate who is sitting next to me has gotten her period, and it is unusually painful for her. She’s been sitting in class doubled over her heating pad, trying to get through the lessons. She says she’d normally take time off for her body when the pain is this bad, but she did not want to have to make up the classwork.

I fear the pheremones or hormones or whatnot might be acting on me, along with the horrid diet I have kept, and the high stress I have had - all from being in summer school and living in motels on and off. This week, I have spent the entire week so far in a motel because it got to be too stressful to commute the hour and a half back and forth to school each day. I had no time to get homework done.
In any case, I have been experiencing pelvic pain since Monday morning. I have been on lots of ibuprofen all week. The worst pain day was Tuesday, when I began checking for blood, because I was sure george would arrive any second. I’d say the pain reached 5.5 on the pain scale. It was intermittent shooting death all day, too.

The pelvic pain was on top of the leg, thigh, calf and foot pain I was already experiencing, as I had walked over 8 miles on Sunday for the AIDS Walk. The walk itself is 6 miles, but we walked much further all told, getting to and from our table on the meadow, and all the running around I had to do after the walk to prepare for school the next day.
So it’s been a pretty painful week with these two factors combined. I *still* hurt from the walk.

On top of all of this, I have caught a cold, because several friends are sick and decided to show up to two social events I was at last weekend. I really wish people wouldn’t be so selfish. Yes, I know our friend is turning 40. Yes, I know you signed up for the AIDS Walk. But you are sick. STAY THE HELL HOME. I’m miffed at these people. I don’t know which one of the five it was who got me sick by breathing on me, or if it was all combined, but I’m miffed.

I’m excited to have been able to go on a date with my husband last night - he drove down to see me and intimate fun was had, and no pain afterwards, thank the gods. I’m excited that I might make it through my last day of class today, but fearful that george may show up during my practicum orientation meeting tomorrow.

We’ll see how it goes.

Hoo boy. I need to do a sum-up. I’ve been noting all the details of my health in another diary that I keep. It hasn’t had anything to do with endometriosis, so I’ve not been spewing it, here. However, I’m in full on pity-party mode, so I’ll share some details here. The best way to get across how I’m feeling will be in visual format (click image to make bigger):

I’ve not had a day where I’ve felt alive and well since January 22 - a full month ago.

The red dashes through calendar dates means I missed work that day.
Anything in purple text denotes multiple chemical sensitivity reaction or danger of reaction. The oil spill remains a ‘danger of reaction’ since I have not had anything immediate happen. I went to the doctor’s office on Wednesday, February 17, because when I’d tried to go back to work that morning, it felt like my lung was collapsing. The chilly morning air and the thick fog made my lungs ache badly and it became hard for me to breathe. I looked pasty white. I barely fixed my hair to go to work, I was so sick. I turned right around and came back home because my lungs hurt so bad and I was having trouble breathing. I was able to get into the doctor’s office at noon that day, and saw a different doctor. She listened to my heart and lungs. She said I have ‘junk’ in my lungs, and that I was wheezing. She gave me my first ever albuterol treatment (nebulizer delivery).
Although it cleared my lungs and made for velvety smooth breathing for the next six and a half hours, the ingredients in the albuterol treatment also made me very light headed, gave me tremors, and removed my ability to concentrate. I darted my eyes and head around and had anxiety all day long. I told the doctor I can’t work in that state, and that the treatment is no better than the illness itself. I opted to stay home another day.

When I got back home, I found Alameda County Industries vehicles all over the intersection near my home. They were shoveling a sand like material onto a spill of some sort, which was all up and down two streets and filled the intersection. I saw a garbage or recycle truck with its hazard lights on. I went over to the working men and asked if it was hydraulic fluid that had spilled. They said it was. They assured me that the sand they were putting down was harmless, and was like ‘kitty litter’.

Please google hydraulic fluid toxicity to learn more, and also check out a news story about a woman who died after a similar accident.

I have also uploaded photos here. My lips were stinging when I got back into the house last night after taking pictures. I should have worn a mask of course. Of course.

I shed all my clothes in the kitchen and put them in a garbage bag. I took a shower immediately. Thankfully I did not have any immediate chemical sensitivity reaction to the spill. Only time will tell if I will become sick from the spill.

On top of all the viruses and multiple chemical sensitivity crap, now my period is two days early after I’d declared to my husband that I was sure it would be late, since I was not feeling any premenstrual pain. Nothing - no warning cramps, no having to check myself because it ‘feels’ like I could be bleeding. No ovarian stabby. Just HELLO! an hour after I got home from the doctor’s office.

The thing is, I *did* have some premenstrual cramping last Thursday - after my acupuncture appointment. I’d seen the acupuncturist for the sinus infection, but while there, she did some lower back work on me, cuz she knew my period was coming. That night, I felt low, dull pain in the lower back and at the back of the uterus. It was barely registered on the pain scale though - just faint rustlings.
On Friday, I had some slightly more annoying rustlings, but still, I did not need medication. Then on Saturday and Sunday I had no pre-menstrual cramping at all, most likely because my body was busy dealing with a yeast infection, which I get every single time I take antibiotics.
Please don’t tell me to try eating yoghurt or probiotics when on antibiotics, I already do that. Please don’t tell me to keep hydrated when on antibiotics, I certainly do that. I still get yeast infections, every time.

I decided to get a one-day Monistat™ treatment. I did that Sunday night right before bed.

I woke in the early hours Monday morning to use the bathroom. I wiped and … something wasn’t right.
My inner labia were hanging way down past my outer labia, and they were thick; puffed out, and stiff as boards. My heart jumped. WTF is going on!?!?
I wiped again, and the labia let me know they weren’t happy. It stung - it burned. I could feel my pulse in my labia.

I phoned up my family doctor and my gynecologist and left messages. I decided to not outright openly panic, so I got ready for work. It hurt to wear slacks, or tights, or even underwear for that matter. It hurt to sit down of course.

I went to work anyway. The doctors offices called back - the gynecologist wholly misunderstood my voicemail and told me I should try Monistat or Diflucan for my yeast infection. The family doctor got me an appointment after work.

By the time I got out of work, the swelling in my labia had gone down considerably, but it still hurt and pulsed with discomfort, so I went to the doctor. He did an external exam - not a pelvic - to examine the labia. There’s nothing he can do - just have to wait for the swelling to go down. I told him I discontinued use of the antibiotics. He said that was fine.

I got home from the doctor, and before dinnertime, discovered that my period had arrived without warning.

So now that george is here, I will go to bed and see what tomorrow brings - will I be able to go to work, or will the pain leave me bedridden?

Stay tuned…

Wow, déjà vu.

Just like last month, I went from being bedridden with endometriosis to being sick with a virus.

Once again, I’m kicked when I’m down, thanks to my immune system being deficient, thanks to endometriosis and allergies and lord knows what else I have going on immunologically.

Friday night I was at a taqueria eating dinner with my husband when suddenly I didn’t feel well.
That night, I had 3 episodes of diarrhea. I was uncertain whether it was a food reaction or food poisoning.

On Saturday, I had 17 episodes of diarrhea. I was more certain that it had to be food poisoning, since I’ve never had an allergic reaction this bad before. I barely ate a thing that day, and it was a struggle to even take water.
My entire trunk region was sore. I felt like I’d been doing too many situps - the stomach muscles were strained.
My husband took me to the store, and I am not kidding - I bought baby wipes and diaper rash cream for myself.

On Sunday, I began eating Cream of Rice with mashed banana. However, Sunday evening, we were at a friend’s house and he’d made some wonderful food, as did his other guests. I partook of a thin slice of steak, some kielbasa and onions, and some cole slaw. I drank a Vernors soda, even though it has corn syrup in it, because where I grew up, Vernors is what you drank to soothe an upset tummy.
Within an hour and a half, I had moderate to severe stabbing stomach cramps. I had to steel myself from the pain. When we got home at 9pm Sunday night, the diarrhea began - 8 episodes of it.

Today is the second day in a row that I did not have diarrhea upon waking. Today is the second day in a row that my stomach and intestines tried to stabilise - until I fed myself something other than Cream of Rice with mashed banana. This afternoon it resulted in moderate nausea and stomach and intestinal gurgles. I’m worn out. I’m tired as hell. And I worked a full day today on top of it.

I didn’t want to go in to work today, but I was still partially in denial about actually being SICK sick…even though on my way to work, I called to cancel my appointment with a physical trainer. To be fair, I took my temperature at work and it was 99.8°F at 11am. I hinted that I should go home, but the director told me I was fine. The secretary told me I was fine.
What they meant was, “Lunch rush is coming up in the next half hour, and we’re short staffed. You have to stay, we need you.”

I did stay on, but that’s when I called my doctor and scored an appointment after work. The doctor told me that it’s not JUST a food reaction I’ve been having, and it DEFINITELY WASN’T food poisoning.
The doctor is certain that I have an enterovirus. She said it’s going around - she’s seen patients with my exact symptoms for over a week, now.

I know that what’s going on with me IS also a food reaction on top of the enterovirus, because my left thumb is covered in flaky dermatitis, and my thumb is cracked and will probably start bleeding tomorrow.

According to MedScape, I was harbouring the enterovirus for up to a week before the diarrhea hit me on Friday. It says, “The average incubation period is 3-10 days, during which the virus migrates to regional lymphoid tissue and replicates. Minor viremia results, which is associated with the onset of symptoms and viral spread to the reticuloendothelial system (spleen, liver, bone marrow).”

Another MedScape article says, “The enterovirus enters the human host through the GI or respiratory tract. The cell surfaces of the GI tract serve as viral receptors, and initial replication begins in the local lymphatic GI tissue. The virus seeds into the bloodstream, causing a minor viremia on the third day of infection. The virus then invades organ systems, causing a second viremic episode on days 3-7. This second viremic episode is consistent with the biphasic prodromal illness. The infection can progress to CNS involvement during the major viremic phase or at a later time. Antibody production in response to enteroviral infections occurs within the first 7-10 days.”

I could have caught it at my neighbor’s house when we went over there last Tuesday to watch the season premier of the last season of LOST.
I could have caught it from my new psychiatrist’s office on my first visit.
I could have caught it at work.
I could have caught it anywhere.

The bum deal out of all of this is that I went from being bedridden with endometriosis pain right into being laid out flat with massive diarrhea for three days. I lost two weekends of fun out of that deal. I didn’t get to see an old high school acquaintance who was in town for the weekend. Worst of all, I went out on Sunday to a party while still sick with the virus, because I was convinced it was food poisoning and/or food reaction I was still dealing with, and now I may have infected other people.

When I left out of the doctor’s office, it was raining, and I hadn’t brought my raincoat with me. I walked in the rain back to my car, parked a block and a half away. When I got home, I took a blow dryer to my hair, put some dishes in the new dishwasher my husband recently bought, scooped the cat litter, and got into my jammies and crawled into bed. I crawled out of bed to eat some yoghurt while my husband ate dinner - we sat on the couch and watched TV. Well actually I laid on the couch wrapped in blankets. Viruses make me feel like I’m freezing. The house is 71°F right now…

I’ll be staying home tomorrow - I made sure to get a doctor’s note the moment the doctor suggested I stay home. I called work the moment I left the doctor’s office to let everyone know I won’t be in.

Stupid immune system.

I guess if one can find a silver lining… I lost 6 pounds in 3 days. I’m down to 158lbs.

I’ve been on Iburpofen since January 5, pretty much around the clock. On Tuesday, I consumed about 1,200mg before going to bed just after 9pm.

Yesterday, I consumed 1,600mg between 8am and 10pm, averaging 400mg every 4-5 hours. The ibuprofen helped manage the pre-menstrual ovarian stabby really well, but I was super tired all day, and even napped during my lunch break.
I began spotting very lightly yesterday.

Today, over the course of the day, the spotting became light flow. The colour was medium brown and the flow sticky. I consumed 1,600mg between 8am - 4pm alone, and I am here to tell you that it did NOTHING for my friggin pain. I stopped taking the ibuprofen after 4pm, hoping to begin diving into the Tylenol 3 when I got home from work, but my acupuncturist called to remind me that we had an appointment today, which I was late for. Whoops!
Thankfully, she was still open to seeing me for a full session, and so I dragged my sorry ass out of the house again.
As has been the case for me in the past, the acupuncture helped while in session and immediately afterwards, but the pain resumed the moment after I emptied my bladder. See, the endometriosis is very near to, if not on my bladder by now, and it was the “small endometriotic implant on the bladder reflection” which my surgeon refused to excise because she was afraid of rupturing my bladder three years ago.

Anyway, the acupuncture failed to provide pain relief past the first 20 minutes of leaving the practitioner’s office, and this is the second practitioner I have been to. I will continue to see the acupuncturist for awhile, and I will continue to take the prescribed herbs. I think I only saw the last acupunturist less than 10 times.

I would also like to note for posterity that I have had some wicked PMS food cravings over the past week. I feel as though I have been eating my weight in chocolate again. I definitely went through three bags of store-bought gluten-free cookies in the past week. My dinner theme over the past two weeks has been, “if all I ever eat is gluten-free pizza and pad thai again, it will be heaven”.

Tonight I ate shrimp pasta alfredo for dinner (rice pasta), and within the hour, the pain ramped up. This could either be from the shrimp, or it could be that the pain was going to ramp up, anyway.

By 5:30pm this afternoon, the colour of menses was turning from brown to pink to reddish. Now it is a dark red. The flow is ramping up a bit, but the fluid is still a bit sticky. There is a lot of debris. I assume this is due to all the sugar and caffeine I have been ingesting since before the holidays. I know that a sugary diet is what also lends to ovarian cysts. So my goal for 2010 is going to have to be quitting my sugar addiction again.

As of 10pm, I am on Tylenol 3 for the pain, and still shifting uneasily in my chair. I am not in bed with the laptop, as it is in the shop. Sadness.

I am not going in to work tomorrow - I informed the director at the end of my shift today.

I guess the one good thing about all this is that I am not also sick any longer - I’m over the cough and sinus congestion. Well, there is still the continued 99.2°F average temperature I’m still having all day every day. I’m seeing a doctor about that tomorrow.

Now, finally, I think I have updated everything I need to, and I’m off to bed.

Today is Day 2 of headache and 99.2F average temp… again.

Honestly I should say the temperature thing is a continuation of what has been going on since December 7, 2009, when I noticed I had a fever from the flu for the first time.

Since December, my temperature has returned to MY normal of 97.5F only once or twice. Since December, my temperature has gotten to 98.6F a handful of times. But the prevailing temperature has been in the 99F range.

This morning when I woke for work, my head hurt, my sinuses hurt, my eyes hurt, my joints ache and my upper back aches - but not in the flu sort of way. My head, sinuses and eyes are likely all tied with either a continuation of the last virus I had, or a new virus caught while back to work yesterday.
The joint pain is because I went dancing for two nights in a row this past weekend. The back pain is because george is due in 48 hours, and so my body is trying to fold in on itself from the top down as it usually does each month.

I have to leave for work in 10 minutes, and yet I feel like my head is going to explode and I feel like I could expel one of my sinus cavities right here on the keyboard. And just in time, the stabbing right side ovarian pain has awakened for its day at work on my body.

It’s 44°F outside, and we have one ambient heat lamp installed, which does absolutely nothing to warm the “outdoor classroom”. The teachers probably won’t want to send me any children when it’s below 55°F, which means I have to float around from classroom to classroom, assisting other teachers all morning. It’s awkward work.

But off I go.

On December 5, I developed a mild cough. Two days later, I had the flu. I found out later from a doctor that it was likely H1N1.

A week after getting the flu, I fell ill with endometriosis pain and was bedridden for a few days. I was on a lot of Tylenol 3, which was good not only for the cramps, but also for managing the fever (acetaminophen) and the cough from flu (codeine is great for supressing coughs).

The moment I came off the Tylenol 3, the cough and flu-symptoms returned. And then my husband fell ill with the flu. And then my symptoms turned into a sinus infection. This was the week of December 20. By the end of that same week, I was experiencing Mittelschmerz.

I have all the flu stuff detailed on another journal here and here.

My husband and I began to feel better by December 29, and on NYE we were able to go hang with friends.
On Friday and Saturday (Jan 1 and Jan 2), I went out dancing with my husband, because we were screwed out of our vacation and because it’s the last dancing I’ll likely get to do before falling ill with endometriosis pain again…it’s due by January 7…which is two days before my husband’s birthday.

So I missed work on account of flu, then on account of endo pain right before Christmas/Winter break, and now I’m going to return to work and immediately miss more work on account of endo pain.
Good times. The fear of not having job security continues.

Back on September 16th, a day before my birthday, I wrote a wishful thinking post. I had resolved “to live the next 11 days as well as I can, and enjoy life the best that I can, until the darkness falls once more”.

The very next day, on my birthday, while at work, I was suddenly seized with severe bladder pain, which lasted a few minutes. This happened around 11:45am, during the lunch rush, where I’m supposed to be monitoring children aged 3-5 eating their lunches, keeping them in their seats, resolving fights, reminding them to wipe the table and sweep up after themselves, and help them open up their food packs. During the lunch rush is when I am needed by no less than three children at a time, for over an hour, for one thing or another. All told there are around 50 children at lunchtime, and there’s about five or six adults. It’s about 1 adult per 8-10 kids. For some reason, once you mix the age groups, the 1:4 or 1:6 ratio for the 3-year-olds no longer applies. So it’s constantly overwhelming at lunctime, and here I was getting unexplained knifing pain in my bladder. It wasn’t uterine. It wasn’t ovarian. It wasn’t cervical. I don’t normally get bladder pain.

Now, about a week prior, I’d had a yeast infection, which I promptly took care of with Diflucan. I got it because I didn’t shower before intercourse. Women with endometriosis are prone to yeast infections at the drop of a pin, and you and your partner both need to be clean before intercourse to spare you the chance of infection. I lagged in my duties.
Anyway, I wondered if Diflucan can cause a bladder infection, but in checking the side effects lists, I don’t see evidence of that. Perhaps the yeast infection had turned into a bladder infection? I’m still wondering about that.

So the bladder pain I had on September 16 only lasted a few minutes, then was gone. A few minutes of course feels like an eternity while it’s happening, but it did pass.

I did pretty good for the next two days - Friday and Saturday - though I did have some pelvic pain twinges on Saturday September 19. So perhaps I was good for only ONE day if you wanna get technical.

On Sunday, September 20, I woke with severe low back and pelvic pain.

As I was getting dressed, my back went out - my upper left scapula was pinched the most, and it was hard to breathe. I could feel the pain under the back of my ribs. I had no range of motion. I spent most of that day with intermittent back, pelvic and shoulder pain. I took half pills of Tylenol 3 and whole pills of Ibuprofen all day long. The pain would seriously disappear for minutes or an hour and then return again. It was crazy.

On Monday I had continued flank pain, and a cankre sore popped out around 11:30am. I went to the doctor right after work and was told I had swollen lymph nodes, that I was fighting something, but that I wasn’t contagious. The low back pain continued through the evening, and I went to bed with a heating pad that night.

Tuesday was more of the dame - low back pain, but get this - I awoke with shin splints. WTF!!!
I also had developed a sore throat, sores forming under the back of my tongue, moderate fatigue, and sore shoulders again. That day I also had some pelvic pain, and my left thumb broke open again. I had a nagging headache by 8pm that night. I napped when I got home, and my body temp dropped during the nap - I got goosebumps, I was so cold, and the house was 73°F.

I seriously started feeling like I was going crazy. But now, after reading the side effects for Diflucan, it all makes sense. I just wish I’d been more intuitive the last times I’d taken Diflucan, to establish whether this is always true - whether I always have these side effects - or if it’s something new because my body continues to grow weaker because of this stupid immune system disease called endometriosis.

Wednesday - sigh a breath of relief - I felt better.

But we’re not done, yet!

On Thursday, September 24th, I felt quick knifing very low uterine/bladder pain 2-3 hours after consuming 1.5 cups of Sierra Mist pop, which I was craving. I never crave pop anymore, so this must be a serious bout of PMS coming on. Of course, pop contains corn syrup, which ALWAYS causes pelvic pain whenever I consume it.

I didn’t bike to work at all that entire week.

On Friday, September 25th, I experienced intermittent dull uterine pain all day. However, after work, I decided to bike to my therapy appointment and from there bike over to the company BBQ. I was tired but I did it, in a show of stubbornness.

That night, around 10 or 11pm, I became very dizzy as I was leaving my friend’s house. The pelvic pain had ramped up while I was hanging out with my friends, and so I’d taken 600mg Ibuprofen. I don’t think the dizziness was from that, since I take Ibuprofen so frequently.

On Saturday - yesterday - our town was experiencing another heat wave. Despite being 87°F outside, my husband and I shopped at some local Halloween stores. Yesterday I consumed a white chocolate raspberry blended mocha (with cow’s milk) because I was really fatigued and craving the caffeine (HELLO PMS!).
Last night my husband and I were intimate and right afterwards, I felt nauseated, and then the cramps started. I checked myself and there was brown blood. I thought for sure I’d started my period. I went to bed wearing a pad but the bleeding stopped, never touching the pad.

Today I’ve been seriously tired. I slept for about 10 hours and haven’t wanted to get up all day. The low level nausea has been with me all day. I’ve had the feeling that my period is starting but every time I check, it’s not there. I’ve had annoying low back and pelvic pain all day.

It’s nearing 5pm and I’ve been on the couch the entire day. I had planned to attend a birthday party for a friend, a parking lot sale, and then see another friend play with his band tonight.

I’ve missed everything so far but the band, and I’m not sure I’m up for that, either.

So let’s recap - where did those 11 days go that I was so excited to live for?

Of those 11 days, I got to enjoy 2 days pain-free.

2 days.

Out of the past 27 days, I have enjoyed roughly 8 days pain-free.

I have not gone back to yoga class, and I’ve been in too much pain to do the yoga video that I own.

I have continually doing slow stretches and fighting through the pain. I often do the wide hip circles when not out in public (cuz doing those makes one look like a pole dancer, heh) in an attempt to ease the low back and pelvic pain.

To anyone who doesn’t suffer from chronic pain, I hope this gives you an educated visual, and I hope you understand it a bit better when I tell you just how tired and depressed I am.
Just because I have high hopes, doesn’t mean my body wishes to cooperate.

Oh and to those of you who still think wishful thinking and being positive will end my pain, you can go to hell.

On Saturday, my hubby did get me out of the house. We went to a nursery to scope out starter beds, raised beds, herbs, vegetables, soil and all the rest of it. I was bleary-eyed from the pain and Tylenol 3, but determined to take a walk through the calm nursery garden and just be outdoors for a bit.

After we were done there, my hubby needed to pick up his car, which had been getting detailed. He’d driven my car to get us to the nursery. I told him it’s only a couple blocks from the car detail place back to our house - just drive us from the nursery to his car, he can get his car, then I will drive my car the couple blocks back home.
We got to the car detailing place and he had to wait for his car - it wasn’t done yet after all. I just decided to wait, too. I slept in my car for about 15 minutes til he pulled up alongside me in his car. Then we drove back home.

Hubby wanted to go to a second nursery to encourage me to get out of the house and start on that flower bed cuz he knows how depressed I get immediately upon becoming bedridden each month. I told him that even that short trip to the nursery and the wait at the car detailing place was murder on me and my bladder as well. I told him with how heavy it is right now, I need to be near the bathroom. I went and knelt against the bed. Hubby came after me, gently coaxing me to try again. I was so tired from the meds. So depressed that my weekend fun was taken from me.
I drew a deep breath and hauled myself up off the floor and bed, and off we went to nursery #2.

The second place wasn’t as nice as the first, but still offered some tranquility for the state I was in, and had some very fragrant white roses. I showed my hubby how to get sniffed by a morning glory (the petals are so soft and wispy that when you sniff them, they adhere to your nostril, thus sniffing you back!) After browsing there for a short bit, my hubby took me to Baskin Robbins for a Clown Cone - something that was a favourite treat for me when I was a little kid.
I have to say, now that I’m all grown up, Baskin Robbins ice cream is rather unmentionable, especially since we have Tucker’s homemade super creamed ice cream parlour nearby.

After ice cream, we came back home, ate dinner, and hung out. I think I went to bed early. Can’t remember.

On Sunday I spent the entire day on the couch, only getting up to go to the bathroom or shower. I researched endo stuff all damned day. I was on a mission. A stoned Tylenol 3 induced mission. I also spent the day trying to locate a substitute teacher for me on Monday, because I knew the pain would be too much for me to handle. Around 10pm I finally got a reliable call back from someone who said they’d sub for me. I went to bed after 1am but woke up around 8am from the pain. I took Tylenol 3 all day again. That cold I’ve been trying not to catch from the kids at work is really really trying to get me - my throat has been sore all day today.
Today was the same as yesterday - all day on the couch, researching endo stuff.

My neighbor was very kind and brought me some ice cream today. It was 88°F outside and 76°F in the house today but I wasn’t really bothered by the heat until late afternoon. It was very sweet of her to bring me the ice cream. :)

Tomorrow I return to work and hope to get through the entire day pain-free.

If so, clock resets for another 23-25 days, minus any mid-cycle pain that may occur (usually 8 days after my cycle ends).