Blue moon menstrual month of doom

I got my period twice this month, hence a ‘Blue Moon Menstrual Month’. The last time this happened was in April, 2009.
I wonder how often this happens for me…gonna go back and look at the calendar for a minute…

…According to my calendar, I got my period twice in a month for the following months:

June 2006
November 2006
December 2007
June 2008
November 2008
April 2009
October 2009

So it looks like my ‘Blue Moon Month’ occurs twice each year (2007 being the odd year because I had been on hormone therapy after pelvic laparoscopic surgery that year).

For the record, it does not coincide with the Blue Moon for the actual Moon. Those instances were July 2004, June 2007 and December 2009 so far; occurrence averages about every 2.7 years.

Now, since I’m looking at planets, this gets me interested in Astrology, so I looked it up – Jupiter, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto are all still out of whack in the sky. That is to say, all four were Retrograde, and two have since stopped going Retrograde (which means they are now considered Direct).

Jupiter went Direct on October 12, and Pluto went Direct on September 11, but Uranus and Neptune are still completely Retrograde.

Jupiter and Pluto are still playing catch-up and won’t be in their place of Return until December 2009.

Neptune won’t be in its place of Return until February, 2010, and Uranus won’t be in its place of Return until March, 2010.

Why the heck would I consider astrology?, you may ask.

Well! This leads to a much larger discussion, but the short of it is that in the 24 years that I have wrestled with endometriosis, I have tried so many things to try and figure out the why and wherefore of this damned pain, and that includes such strange things as astrology and belief in deities.

The longer answer begins with two statements:

  1. Likely due to my fundamentalist upbringing, I have conditioned my thought process from an early age to leap to punishment to explain why I am in such pain all the time.
  2. Also likely due to my fundamentalist upbringing, I harbour a lot of guilt over having this illness.

With #1, I have a constant unconscious dialogue that begins with asking myself, “What did I do to deserve this?” I answer my question with, “You must have brought it upon yourself, somehow.” I proceed therefore to lay blame to everything from my recent diet, habits, thoughts, illnesses, exposures to contaminants, vitamin intake or lack thereof… you name it. And that’s just on my end.
I also go the pity-party route and blame the environment I grew up in, the birth control pills my mother was taking just before conceiving me (and which she’d been on for something like 12 years straight), the fact that my mother smoked like a chimney throughout and after her pregnancy with me (and still smokes a lot to this day), and my mother’s genes (her mother and sisters all had/have classic symptoms of endometriosis, as do my female cousins).

With #2, I miss a lot of things in life because of this illness. I’ve missed a lot of work, concerts, birthday parties, being there for friends in the hospital, babysitting gigs, charity events, activist events, doctor appointments and more. This leaves me feeling like I’ve flaked on people and let people down. I feel this way because so many people still do not understand much about what it means to live with endometriosis. The clearest example I can give you just happened yesterday:

I awoke on my first year wedding anniversary YESTERDAY and without warning, gushed forth like the bathtub scene in Stephen King’s “Carrie”.
I had barely any symptoms leading up to this menstrual cycle, which was two days early. I had no spotting, no low back pain for days, no intense fatigue, no feeling of having to repeatedly ‘check my undies’ that I get up to 48 hours prior to menses. I had three days of minor right side ovarian cramping. That’s not unusual – sometimes I get that for a week straight, and not even right before my period. The low back pain came in the wee hours before waking yesterday, and I thought it was the bed I’d slept in (we were out of town).

On my fricking wedding anniversary, I bled like a stuck pig and was not prepared in the least for it. I had no pads, no wheelchair, no security blanky and pillow, no rice heating pads.

My plan was to wake, use the bathroom, then snuggle with the husband. Instead, I woke, used the bathroom, and sat crying with my head in my hands, on my first year wedding anniversary.

I began immediately with the blaming dialogue. My husband tried to talk me down, but I’d catch myself returning to the topic over and over again, muttering aloud that this or that could have brought on the pain and bleeding. Everything from all the chocolate we’ve been eating to the half hour we spent in the jacuzzi the night before.

I spent all day high as a kite on Vicoprofen yesterday. We were in Mendocino, hours away from home, and I had refused to be taken home right away. I took the drugs and we visited as many little shops as we could. We ate brunch. We explored one of the cemeteries. We walked out on the bluffs and stood watching the ocean together. We indulged in a chocolate orgy yesterday – we had cake from Mariposa Bakery that we’d brought with us, and I’d gifted my husband with handmade chocolates from Gaslight Emporium in our own hometown, and we bought even more chocolate from a place called Frankie’s, as well as buying truffles from a street vendor.

We left Mendocino when we said we would, and got in some of the last sunset pictures we could on the way out of town. We had decided at the outset of the trip to take Highway 1 home, to enjoy the scenery and the ocean view.

However, my pain ramped up considerably on the way home, and I took a whole Vicoprofen pill in the span of one hour to combat the pain. This was my first time taking that much Vicoprofen at once, cuz I’ve been consuming only half a pill at a time.

What resulted from being on a whole pill of Vicoprofen (7.5mg Vicodin and 200mg Ibuprofen) was very similar to the experience I had when I had taken a whole pill of oxycodone; “I thought I was drowning/suffocating to death. I literally didn’t think I’d make it through the night. That was 5mg though.”

In addition to that, we were on some very twisty/turny ocean-side roads. I had the spins real bad from the medication.

Ibuprofen is a bit of a diuretic, so I continually had to have my husband pull over so I could pee or so I could stand in one place and get some fresh air so as not to vomit. I kept a paper bag in the front seat with me just in case I had to throw up.

The drive, which is supposed to take about 3 hours, took TWICE that because of all the stops I needed, because of how slow I needed us to drive because of the dizziness and nausea, and because of road work (in some areas, there had been mudslides and the road was down to one lane!). What a harrowing experience it was to get home last night.

I cried, I moaned, I begged for my death, I hallucinated.

It didn’t help that due to the season being Autumn, there was a lot of wildlife on or near the roads after dark. I’ve never seen so many deer in my life. There were possums, raccoons, hares, and, I shit you not, there was also a large brown cow sitting on the cliffside next to the road at one point. Just sitting there calmly, chewing as we drove past. I flipped my shit and my husband had to reassure me it was not another hallucination.

I was convinced a deer would land through our windshield before the night was over.

I think the worst trip I ever had prior to this is probably the first time I ever ate a pot brownie. Back then I felt like I was continually going backwards on The Gemini roller coaster. What a horrible night that was.
So last night, on the full pill of Vicoprofen, I felt like I was on a continuous roller coaster from hell – picture a giant wooden roller coaster like The Gemini with steep hills that won’t let you off for six solid hours. That’s what it felt like. Every muscle in my body was tensed to the max, which made the pain worse. I tried and tried to relax. I tried to start with just my eyebrows and I could not do it. That’s when the crying started, really.

We got home around 1:30am, according to my husband. I washed my face, put on my pajamas, and put a few things away that we’d brought in from the car, and prepared for bed. Despite all that I’d gone through, I was lucid enough at that point to be sensitive to my husband’s needs. He was all jacked up from the stress of the ride, too. He was the one having to steer us through all those roads and having to endure my crying and whining (to the point where he just blasted the radio for a long time to drown me out, but I didn’t care that he did that cuz seriously, I was a mess and it was making him a mess).
I warmed up all available heating pads in the house, gave my husband a massage as he sat in front of me on the bed, and then ordered him to take half a Vicoprofen and lay face down on the bed.
Then I put the heating pads all over his back and just let him lay there while I settled into bed.

My husband said that when he woke this morning, he had no trace of back pain, thanks to the care I’d given him. :)

As for me, you know I stayed home from work today. I’ll be staying home from work tomorrow, too. I’ve already called in sick. There’s no way I’m playing the “wait and see” route this time. I need the extra day and I have no false hopes that I “might” not bleed as heavily or be in as much pain tomorrow as I was in today and yesterday.

After 24 years, I’m tired of this constant every month battle of wits, this false notion of “thinking positively and the pain MIGHT go away” bullshit.

The reality of the situation is that I have an incurable illness which is an immune deficiency, which means it ravishes my entire body, and I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS ILLNESS BUT TO LET IT RUN ITS COURSE when the pain flares.

I want to get this through my head as well as through everyone else’s heads – go look at my list again of what I’ve tried over the years.

Eventually we will all have to come to a place of acceptance – that there is no overcoming or beating this illness – only living with it…if we are up for the job.

Some days I wonder how much longer I’ll be up for the job.

ATTENTION!!!

Steph and Badger are now MARRIED!


-photo courtesy Diane Meeks

More photos as soon as we get them all in one place…

:D

Oct. 28 Edit: Clicky here for lots of pix!

George strikes back

Well at least I got a lot accomplished today before the next attack.
I made it about eight or nine hours pain free.

This morning I got up at 9am, my friend took me to the Oakland Flower Mart so I could get some curly willow branches for a project, then my man’s friend came in on the train for the weekend, and joined us on another errand we had to run.
We stopped off at Julie’s Tea for some refreshment and then picked up my car, which has been in the shop since Thursday (old age issues).

While on my way walking to drop off my new sunglasses for repair (the coating is coming off already, WTF), I stopped to text my replacement hairdresser (Emmie) about getting my dye job fixed today.

No sooner than I sent the message, I felt a *trickle*.

I turned my ass right around and headed for home, because I knew the pain would be next. Within a few minutes I was staggering through the front door.

Goddammit.

Now I wait for drugs to kick in and Emmie to arrive.

Mittelschmerz

For the past week and a half, I’ve been experiencing mittelschmerz and low uterine pain. Today is particularly bad, with the pain sharp enough at times to make me gasp. George is due in 7 days, and I’ve already started premedicating as of today.

My diet has been shitty for the past month, due to rushing and stress. Not only that, but I read that apples and flax seeds/oil have natural estrogens in them, so I stopped eating those things until I could do further research. It seems in that time, the mid-cycle pelvic pain returned, and I caught a cold that I’ve been trying to fight off since about last Thursday. My man also got a cold and by Friday was taken down hard by it. He’s off work Monday and today because he’s coughing so much and his coworkers don’t want him to get them sick. Bleh.
I’ve been taking vitamin C and zinc every day, along with my other vitamins, to fight this off. Today I reintroduced flax and apples into my diet in the hopes that they will assist in fighting off the cold that’s going around (a friend of ours was also sick last week, same symptoms).

I will also be picking up evening primrose oil tonight on the way home, as I’ve never yet applied that remedy.

If I’m a week early, this means I cut it REAL close to the wedding with my next cycle. And I can’t bear to have that happen.

George is late but not…

It’s still easier for me to refer to my illness as ‘george’ when I am discussing the illness, hence the subject line. It’s simpler to say ‘george is late’ than to say ‘i started bleeding later than expected’. It’s more polite in a way – people don’t want to go right into a conversation hearing about blood. But hearing about a person being late to something, that’s tolerable. ;)

Tuesday, August 12: Warned the lady I sit for that I was feeling severely fatigued and achey and I didn’t know if I’d have to go home early or miss work that week. Started pre-medicating with Ibuprofen 600 as of Monday or Tuesday. One per day.

Wednesday, August 13: The lady and her husband were late to work because of me – well because of a misunderstanding. I told them I’d call IF I couldn’t make it in to work. I didn’t call, so I went to work. Still very fatigued and feeling crampy but less so than the previous day, so I went. Turns out they were just covering their asses and wanted to be sure I’d show up, so they waited on me. They didn’t appear upset with me.

Thursday, August 14: Got my energy back – took the baby on two walks that day. I started spotting around 10pm and was sure george would arrive full on by morning.

Friday, August 15: George is officially due but doesn’t arrive. But all day I was tired and had mild to moderate cramps again. I was still taking Ibuprofen but took 2 over the course of the day on Friday. I had very light spotting on and off.

Saturday, August 16: Woke up at 6am with severe low back pain. Decided to ride it out instead of getting up and eating some food just so I could ingest Ibuprofen (taking Ibu on an empty stomach causes me severe stomach pain – causes most humans stomach pain). Got up because of the pain every hour after that until 9am, when I got up for good, ate some breakfast, and took an Ibu600. More spotting and light cramping on and off. Pain ramped up a bit Saturday night, especially in the low and mid-back region. By about 9pm I took a Tylenol 3 rather than deal with the pain.

Sunday, August 17: Up again from back pain and this time uterine pain too, every hour from about 7am to 10am. Full on bleeding and cramps started by 10:30am.

So my question is, did george arrive one day early, on Thursday, or did he arrive two days late, on Sunday?

In either case, I’m happy to report that I still have a full week clearance around the wedding. If I continue to be good to my body, george will not be early in September or October, either.

I know a lot of women must fret a bit over the whole getting their period on their wedding day thing. But the general populous of women don’t outright panic over getting their period on their wedding day, because most women can just take birth control pills or the morning after pill to stave off the menstrual cycle, or they can just not even care if they get their period because it’s such a non-issue for them.

But for women with endometriosis, I’d wager a lot of us look at our looming wedding day in abject fear that it could be ruined, all because of the pain and heavy bleeding we go through.

It is because of my illness, and also because of my father and my brother, that I spend about half of the time not looking forward to my wedding day, and just want it to be over with.

The other half of the time, I promise, I really am having a blast with my man planning for our wedding. We’ve gone on several wine tasting excursions because we want to serve locally produced wine. We’re about to burst with anticipation because next weekend is a big sale on last year’s surplus Halloween stock at a local boutique, and the weekend after that are the Scottish Highland Games, where my man hopes to get the rest of his wedding ensemble put together.
We have worked together on creating our own wedding invites and reply cards. My chosen sister gave us a sinister idea for favours that we ran with like children squealing in the park. We tasted cake until we were bored with the ordeal, because nothing was appealing enough to us as the expensive cake we wanted. So we finally gave in to that. Funny thing is, the expensive cake wasn’t expensive for being a wedding cake (the dreaded ‘wedding tax’ just because it’s for a wedding) – it’s not a wedding cake at all!
It’s just that the design and shape of the cakes this particular baker does is so much work that she has to charge accordingly.
We can’t wait to show people what we chose for our wedding cake!!!!

Back to the reality I am in at the moment – bedridden from the Endometriosis pain and hopped up on Tylenol 3…
Because the pain and bleeding did not start on time last Friday, this has messed with my weekend and at the same time denied me the upcoming work week.
Had the bleeding and pain started on Friday like it was supposed to have, then I’d have been bedridden Friday, Saturday, maybe Sunday, and feeling better by Monday, then returning to work as scheduled on Tuesday.

But no.

Now, with the pain starting today, I am bedridden Sunday, Monday, likely Tuesday, and feeling better by Wednesday but not sure if I can return to work Wednesday or Thursday.

When I only work Tuesday – Thursday right now, this means I lose pay this week. This in turn gets me pissed off at the company that fired me all over again, because although a settlement was reached, they still have not PAID it out. I am still waiting for these goddamned people. They still hold the upper hand and have the last word as it were. They are still harassing me in this regard. They are still abusing and taunting me.

And I want them to combust for it.

I hope they get caught up in a hostile takeover and then parted out.

It is begun

Well the bleeding just started.

I am going to refrain from saying “thank you george for allowing me to make it through the work week before attacking me” and instead say:

I thank myself for treating my body right this week in preparing for menses to begin on time.

This is a first for me in terms of the way I view my body and its functions.

I’ve always viewed my menses as something external and terrible happening to me, not something that is a natural part of me because I was born female. Before menses, it was my pubic hair and my breasts that freaked me out and were bad things happening TO me. I have viewed the very things that make me female with such abhorrence since I hit puberty at age ten.

I remember liking pink and red as a child. I had several red and pink friendship pins. I remember picking out my favourite white dress with red hearts to wear for my fifth birthday party, and my favourite peach coloured dress to wear for sixth grade school photos. My favourite pen in middle school was a thin pink Jordache pen. And yet I was also a total tomboy from age five or six. I had more female friends than male friends but I’ve always identified more with males. I loved climbing trees and climbing on top of the garage at the first house I ever lived in. I loved throwing a racquetball my dad gave me onto the roof of that house and running to catch it in the baseball mitt the teenaged boy next door neighbor gave to me. I loved playing stick hockey with my brother and his friends in the creeks that froze over in the woods in the wintertime.
I loved playing with matchbox cars in the dirt and mud. I loved playing in the muddy rainwater that flooded our street each summer.

But when puberty hit at age ten, all I remember thinking was that the boys I was friends with at school would hate me now. I knew how they talked shit about the other girls. I considered myself one of the boys, and now I’d be betraying them. I sobbed and begged my mother to make the puberty stop happening. She had no idea how to react. I sat on the stairs to her bedroom and just sobbed.
Within days it was confirmed. My best friend Jack disowned me and began making fun of me, just like he and the other boys did to any girl who grew boobs or filled out in any way. At age ten, the opposite sex has cooties. That’s just how it goes.

That was pretty emotionally scarring for me, and so I’ve never forgiven my body for what it did to me.

So this now is a huge step for me – that I would correct my thinking mid-stream tonight when I saw the blood. With this change in verbiage, I have finally acknowledged that there is no asshole attacking me as an innocent. This is not some outside force happening to me. I’ve realised that my body is sick and has been for a very long time, and if there’s any asshole abounding, it’s my own Self – ME – if I don’t do everything in my power to avoid getting sicker.

SO, I thank my own Self for not drinking alcohol this week, for not eating cheetos or anything with MSG, corn syrup, caffeine and partially hydrogenated crap.

Although I did splurge on sugar a bit this week (On Sunday or Monday I baked a gluten free, yeast free cake and frosted it with non-hydrogenated, corn syrup free frosting), and although I also splurged on breads this week (gluten free, yeast free pizza crust, mmmm SO good), I am happy to report that I did not cause harm to my body intentionally like I normally do when PMSing.

It took a lot of courage this week to stand tall in the face of my PMS demands. I wanted chocolate. I wanted caffeine. More than caffeine itself, I wanted coffee. I wanted ice cream and milk shakes. I wanted Cheetos and that horrifying Fritos brand Jalapeño cheese dip (which I call nuclear cheese dip because of the neon colour of the cheese). These are all on my personal No Fly List, because over time, I have observed that the above have directly caused the pain to get worse right after ingestion while menstruating.
I also wanted red meat. I wanted hotdogs. I wanted ham and cheese sandwiches.

I held my courage and said no to this every time I was in the grocery store or near a place where the above could be obtained. I was good. I was strict. I am proud of myself.

I did all this so that my menstrual flow would begin on time, because I do not want to allow for the possibility of menses arriving early anytime before my wedding. I only have one good week leeway. If I am early next month, my wedding day the following month could be doomed. I can’t let that happen. I refuse to be bedridden for my own wedding. I refuse to be in pain on my wedding day. I refuse to be on painkillers on my wedding day.

I must take care of myself. I am taking care of myself.

Catching up again

First, let me catch you up on george. He went away on Friday, the 25th. That night, I babysat for my friends so they could go see The Dark Knight. Then, when I got off work, my man and I went and caught the midnight showing of the same movie. ;)
It’s AWESOME and scary and nearly gave me a panic attack from all the suspense/thriller action blammo. Lordy. My heart and nerves just can’t take much excitement anymore, I guess.

On Saturday, we cleaned out the storage unit a bit so we can start sharing the space with a neighbor, which in turn reduces by half the amount of what we spend on the unit each month. Not a huge amount with the coming rent increase but still, every penny counts.
Saturday night, I got to witness a beautiful flashback to my man’s past by seeing a band he loved from the 90’s. The band 187 Calm played a one-off reunion show down in San Jose. My man got to connect with his old friends (the band he was in back then played some shows with 187 Calm) and it was fun to see them all together again. My man has talked so much about them over the years.
And can I just say, the bass player showed her bass a thing or two, and made out with it while giving it a what-for! I swear I was blushing some of the time, she was so awesome up there on stage. Holy shit. I mean, I don’t see grrrl bass players too often, so I dunno if they all do this. I’m guessing not though. Wow she is hot. I even told her after the show that I liked how she showed that bass a thing or two. She grinned ear to ear. A very smiley night overall.
My friend found video footage from the show, and clearly the person filming the event is friends with the bass player, cuz most of the time is spent watching her. :)

Sunday, I went over to a friend’s house and we looked at images from her wedding. I told her that I’d lost my bride’s dude (as opposed to bridesmaid), because he can’t afford to fly out. :(
So I asked her if she’d consider again the question I asked way back months ago, but told her I know she still has a lot going on family-wise and personally. I asked if she’d be a bridesmaid this time, instead of the wedding coordinator. To my happy surprise, she accepted! YAY! Oh crap I just remembered I forgot to update my other bridesmaid and I think my matron of honour with the good news. Will do that when I get home from work tonight…

After talking more wedding stuff and showing her pix of my dress, we got together with my man and spent a lovely afternoon hanging out at a bookstore and then a breakfast joint in Berkeley, and then we showed her a winery really close to our island home.

In all, a fabulous weekend.

George was a day early this month

George is here as of yesterday, one day early. I started to have pain yesterday but it wasn’t until today that the pain was so bad that I had to take Tylenol 3.

Coupled with being very sore and tired from walking 6 miles (10km) yesterday for the annual SF AIDS Walk, I ended up sleeping a lot today.

So far, the bleeding is light, compared to my usual periods. I know that I won’t be able to go in to work tomorrow, so I’ll be calling the child’s family tonight to let them know. They told me last Thursday that the husband was okayed to work from home this week should I not be able to come in.

Because george is a day or three early here and there, I’m now exactly a week away from disaster in October, should george decide to be that early due to stress just before the wedding. This of course has me mildly panicked, which doesn’t help the situation.

Last Wednesday or Thursday, I had started a post about some research I’ve been doing on Endometriosis. I need to finish that post soon, and share it on my ‘living with endometriosis’ pages, and also share it on the endometriosis forum I’m on.

Very tired from a long weekend

Overall, I had a nice weekend!

Friday in particular was great, because I got a lot of good news that day.

I was told that the company that fired me will settle for the last dollar figure I threw at them, PLUS they will revamp their disability training, PLUS they will remove the ‘fired’ status from my record and call it a ‘voluntary quit’, PLUS they will give a good review for me if employers call for reference check.
HOLY CRAP THOSE THINGS ARE THE VERY LAST THINGS I EVER EXPECTED TO COME OUT OF THAT COMPANY. This excites me to no end to know that they will restructure how they treat disabled people.
I can’t help but wonder if fellow coworkers finally found the bravery to step forward and also complained about how they were being treated.

On Friday, I was able to get a wagon and a boombox on loaner from a friend to use on the AIDS Walk, which I participate in every year.
Also on Friday, I went and did what I threatened to do – go looking for a wheelchair. I posted on freecycle.org looking for a wheelchair – someone actually had one right here on the island! I went and picked it up – it fits in the trunk of my car! I nearly cried, I was so relieved at having found a wheelchair, that it was free, that it was local, and that it fits in my trunk. I had no idea the amount of stress that would be lifted from me in just knowing I have a wheelchair handy in case I’m too debilitated at any event now or in the future. It’s not admitting defeat to my illness – it’s being prepared. *big happy sigh* I just didn’t know what a weight that would lift. I’m so happy.

We spent all of Saturday running around town, preparing for the AIDS Walk and a friend’s birthday party. And then we stopped in at the local German restaurant to see a friend who was celebrating her graduation from massage school. It was a coincidental delight to also see my other friend’s friend playing there that night – his band is called the Frisky Frolics.

We got home with sore feet last night and wondered if we’d be up for the AIDS Walk, after having such a long exhaustive Saturday running all over town. Our feet already hurt from that alone.

But we did it – we got up bright and early this morning and packed up my car with the wagon and a portable ipod speaker system that we got (we decided that would work better than the old boombox, and we can use the ipod thingy for the wedding, too), and we drove off to San Francisco for the AIDS Walk.

We met up with our friends – there were only six of us this year but we still got recognition from some of the other walkers who see us there every year, and we got compliments on our team shirts as usual. :)

I have blisters on my pinky toes after completing the 10km walk, but otherwise my feet and other toes survived just fine, as did my calves. All that walking the baby around town for my job has really paid off!

I had mild cramps on and off today – mostly when I *wasn’t* walking, but taking a rest. George showed up when I got home and went to a friend’s birthday BBQ party. I have been premedicating with Motrin so when the cramps did finally hit this evening, it’s been mild overall.

Oh! One last thing! This weekend I went to two different places where alcohol was present, and I did NOT take a full drink. I had nothing to drink last night, and today I only had a couple sips of peoples’ homemade vodkas, just to see what each tasted like. Never even came near catching a buzz. Even in the highly charged social situation where I ran into two unexpected people who at one time hurt me (one much worse than the other), I was not driven to drink. I am very proud of myself for this.

Now if I can just get through the wedding and dealing with family without needing to get drunk. Shit, THEY’LL be drunk, they’re promising it. They’ve said it’s not a wedding if people (themselves) aren’t trashed. Emotional cycles with certain people take longer to change than with others.

Still depressed

I didn’t have pain on Friday morning, though I was still bleeding. So I had really bad pain and bleeding for three days – on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday – this time around. That for me is about right. A five-day cycle overall, with three really bad days.

I did go in to work at the new assignment on Friday. This place is a government-run facility, I’m told. There was order, stability, curriculum, and professional staff. I asked if they’d need me again soon. By lunchtime, they asked me if I really did want to come back, because they saw how well the kids responded to me, and said they liked my work.
Even though I have social phobia with other adults, and even though I felt extremely awkward, I really liked that center so much better than the first one I was assigned to.

By the end of the workday on Friday, I’d had a child plop down in my lap during story time, and another child drew me a card with flowers on it, and yet another child grabbed hold of the back of my shirt and decided to be my shadow during recess. Mad giggling ensued when I turned around and asked who was behind me – she moved with me every time I twisted and turned – obscuring her identity. I figured the only way to get her to let go of my shirt was to climb the monkey bars and go down the slide. It worked – and I “ran” to get away from her again, but she’d catch me every time and we’d have to repeat the scenario. ;) After the second time around, I had upwards of six or seven children playing this game, running after me, giggling like crazy. :)

George went away by Friday evening, and just in time for a cold to settle in. I woke up in the middle of the night with phlegm and a very sore throat. Ugh. I began taking 1,000mg vitamin C and popping the Cold-Eze cough drops again (this cold tried to settle in a week or two ago and I thought I’d fought it off).
I’ve had this sore throat on and off since Friday, and today it turned into a cough. Great. Good thing I have leftover codeine cough syrup from a year or so ago when I was sick. Hopefully I can fend the cold off again.

That’s the risk you take when working with children. Their germs are evil little mutating bastards. I have this saying – “children will kill ya!”

Friday night, my man took me out to dinner at our favourite Thai restaurant, and afterwards, we walked around town a bit.

On Saturday, I attended a friend’s birthday party *and* another friend’s wedding.
Today, we gathered at the bride and groom’s house for brunch, and watched them do the official signing of all the documents. I got to hear funny stories about the groom – I always like to hear families tell such stories. I’m a huge genealogy fan, so hearing anyone’s history, no matter how embarrassing or not, holds a lot of interest for me. I am fond of seeing families together, chatting, hanging out – doing what our family used to do before gramma and grampa moved back to Kentucky and the family fell apart without their parents as a solid rock and anchor nearby.

Bah, but I digress.

It was when we were on our way home from our friends’ house that my cough set in. And now I’m back home again, and I’m depressed all over again. I have our own wedding to continue planning. I feel alone in this planning.

Bleh. I’m so glad I don’t work tomorrow. I’m so glad I insisted on a 32-hour work week. I need tomorrow as a mental health day, and actually, I wonder how much sicker I’ll get with this cold. It’s definitely not helping with my depression. I’ve been depressed since the beginning of June – at least, that’s what my diary says.

I don’t know what else to say. Journaling got a lot off my chest, but I’ve not solved anything and I don’t feel any better emotionally like I usually do through journaling. I don’t know what else I can say or rant about in an attempt to make myself feel better.

Hmmm.

Maybe drinking a lot of alcohol socially over the past two weeks hasn’t helped my depression, either. :p

I know what would make me feel better. Winning the friggin’ lottery would make me feel better. I don’t want to work anymore. I don’t want to worry about rent and bills anymore. I don’t want to stress over wedding finances anymore.

One last thing, just so I have it preserved here – my thumb is doing much better. Ever since yesterday morning, or was it Friday night?… I’ve been constantly applying Curel lotion to my thumb. It’s healing up nicely, and much faster than applying that stupid steroidal ointment I was given from my doctor. I wonder if I’m also allergic to that. Wouldn’t surprise me. My ma is allergic to cortisone, and only found out when she had it injected for back pain. She can’t even have it topically – it makes her rash out and also look like some kind of leper.

Righto, that’s all I got.