I Will Not Suffer In Silence

Mood: ball of anxiety

Ok this is the manic part of manic depression.

This is the time right after george where I want to run through hallways and cube farms and driveways and streets waving my hands over my head screaming AAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! because there’s so much shit swimming around in my head and so much external stimuli that I have NO effing idea what to do with it all.

I went to work this morning and all day long I felt like I was about to POP. My leg bounced all day. My muscles steeled in my legs all day. My fingers twitched all day. 9000 things ran through my head all at once all day. Trying to talk to someone at all today resulted in words stumbling over words.

Even now, 3482973240579831 things are going through my head, like:

My friend wrote back to me and sent me more pictures which remindes me, I still have to develop the film from arizona cuz I don’t have a digital camera but it’s so expensive to develop film and I get paid this Friday so hopefully I’ll have enough money by then but CRAP I still need to get groceries and pay bills AND pay the rent, which leaves me with next to NOTHING and then I STILL have to find a way to sock away $200 towards the trip to Detroit to see my sister get married in June and speaking of marriages, my friends out in New Hampshire are getting married THIS AUGUST and I thought it was NEXT year so now I have to save money for that too cuz DAMMIT I wanna GO! and speaking of going places, I went to Tahoe this weekend with a friend visiting from Detroit on work-related business and we all drove up to Tahoe together to see our friend Zerby.

*Takes in deep breath*

Oh and another thing – the verdict for george – that’s what I need to discuss.

The verdict is: abstaining from alcohol does NOT do ANYTHING to keep the pain away.

The pain hit me Sunday afternoon as we were driving around Lake Tahoe after our hike down to Vikingsholm. I steeled myself in the back seat of my friend’s car; right arm clutching the handle by the door and left hand supporting me so I could hover centimetres above the seat so the shooting pains to my anus wouldn’t hurt so much.

I popped 6 advil and waited for it to kick in. I tried to continue conversation. By the time we got back to Zerby’s house, the pain began to fade as the drugs took hold. Too bad they weren’t dissociatives or hallucinogens. I plopped a sleeping bag on the kitchen floor and was ordered to rest as my friends made dinner.

The pain went away until sometime later that night; I don’t recall when – probably around 10pm or so when it returned but not as strong.

I got home and went directly to bed.

Monday I went to work and the pain hit me again, along with faintness and dizziness (same thing?). AND I was downright homicidal from the time I woke up that morning. I even told my coworker loudly to just CHILL OUT, twice. He deserved it, but still, I caused a scene. He must be a speed freak, I swear. He twitches on a minutely basis and is always in everybody’s business and just won’t calm the fuck down. Like how I’ve been, but I have a hormonal excuse. This lame-ass tardmonkey has NO excuse.

ANYWAY

so the pain happened while I was at work and it SUCKED. I took 4 advil and got even more dizzy. I have fully and completely run out of my prescription anaprox, as well as my vicodin. I have a few Tylenol 3’s left but I can’t take those at work. I’d be drooling.
So advil it was. And Advil takes a long time to kick in.

So then I bled like a fiend and the cramps made me wanna crawl under a desk and die and finally I passed the stupid goddamned clot that created the cramps cuz it was trying to come out….and the cramps subsided.

By the time work ended, I wasn’t speaking anymore. I was so beyond depressed, it was pitiful. I barely spoke to my bf on the drive home.
He understood. He knows how this pain kills me, how it wipes me out, how utterly exhausting it is.
I got home and went right to bed…at 7:30pm.
I got up at 9:30pm and was back in bed by 11pm for the rest of the night.

Tuesday morning bright and early, the cramps returned with a vengence. I took a hot shower to try and liquify things a bit more but it didn’t help – I needed a bath and didn’t have time before work to do that.
So I emerged from the shower and tried to pretend the cramps weren’t there. I tried to get dressed for work. It didn’t help. The cramps were there and they hurt like a bitch.
I broke down and started crying – I couldn’t control anything any longer, including my emotions. I just cracked. I just started sobbing and my bf had NO idea what to do except just stand there and hug me.
Which is of course the best he could do, but he always wishes he could do more. Poor guy. I dunno who’s traumatized more by my pain sometimes. At least I’ve known it for 17 years. He’s only seen it for about 4.

I was a full on basket case by this time and so after composing myself the best I could, I called in sick to work and sent my bf on without me. His morning commute was going to royally suck now without me, so I felt that much worse for it.

Within a half hour of my bf leaving, I passed the clot that had tried so hard to come through, and which caused all that effing pain. It was like 4-6cm thick.

Now I ask you… if I can’t even pass a 4-6cm clot without screaming to the death for demerol, then WHY IN THE HELL would ANYBODY want to pass a BABY through that hole?

My GODS, PEOPLE!!! COME ON!!!

I stayed up for another hour and a half and strangely I don’t think I took any meds at all. I just wasn’t in my right mind by that point.
But by around 9:30am I prepared a heating pad and put myself to bed.

The heating pad worked wonders and I fell back to sleep.

I slept til 2pm.

I got up and puttered around, and the cramps came back around 5pm but not as strong as the morning cramps.

Every couple of hours I had to go lay back down again, otherwise, I was on the computer for the rest of the day just farting around.

By Tuesday night, the cramps had subsided and a friend of a friend…yet another Michigander visiting on business, dropped by with an assload of Tylenol 1’s and gelcap advils for me. Heh! I’ve never even met this person in real life but my other friend sent him with drugs for me. How sweet!

Turns out the cramps are done now, and so I don’t need the drugs til next time around.
But that’s good – I have drugs for next time around.

I went to work today cuz I missed yesterday, and instead of cramps, this time I had hypoglycemia.

ALL DAY.

I was light-headed, dizzy, slightly nauseous, and my eyes kept crossing and unfocusing on me ALL EFFING DAY. No matter how well I ate. I had an egg sandwich for breakfast and a tuna sandwich for lunch. I had a banana. NOTHING HELPED.

I always get hypoglycemic attacks just before george, but this, all day, at the tail end of george…this really PISSES ME OFF.

More hormonal bullshit to research.

Which brings me to my closing thoughts.

Since removal of alcohol from my diet didn’t do a damned thing last month, I started drinking again tonight. You wouldn’t know that I’m blitzed on HALF A GLASS OF TWO BUCK CHUCK, because although still cross-eyed and unfocused, I’m STILL somehow able to spell-check. Not very quickly mind you but I’m still spell-checking…which means this journal entry took almost 2 hours to write. heh.

I ate a healthy salmon dinner w/ green beans and not-so-healthy instant mashed potatoes before I really started drinking this HALF GLASS of wine, so that will offset any further hypoglycemic attacks…hopefully.

Time to start guzzling water.

Oh WAIT

CLOSING THOUGHTS.

uhhh yeah. OK so removing booze from my diet didn’t work so I’m going to re-introduce beer and wine into my diet and LIMIT the following starting NOW:

hydrogenated oils

corn syrup

And I’m going to continue to omit hard liquor completely for another month.

I’d like to say I’m going to OMIT hydrogenated oils and corn syrup, but it’s just not humanly possible in an American diet.

Hell, we fed our friend Zerby with vegetarian food twice in two nights and he got so sick that he accused my friend of trying to assassinate him. ;)

It’s just not humanly possible to fully omit hydrogenated oils and corn syrup from the American Diet without warning.

So I gotta take it slow. Taper off the toxins, as it were.
I’ve been fed them my whole life. My mom is hypoglycemic, so she craves sugar, so she’s fed it to me all my life, which bred hypoglycemia into me, which manifested into its full potential after I had pancreatitis at age 21.

So uhhh yeah. I’m drunk on half a glass of wine after only being sober for 1 month. Holy shit.

HOLY SHIT did I spew a lot of crap. I can’t even remember what I’ve spewed. Good thing I saved it all.

oh hey! i’m not anxious anymore!

good night.