I Will Not Suffer In Silence

You know how sometimes you just want a fast meal? And you go and buy something frozen or you go to a drive-through “restaurant”?

Last night, I just wanted something fast. I had bought two small frozen quiches earlier yesterday to have at work for a late breakfast, but never had the chance to eat them (and I’d brought other food for lunch).

So when I got home, I was dead tired, and I popped the quiches in the microwave.

I peeled off the yeast-ladden crust and dug out the egg/cheese portion, ate, and went to bed.

Well, apparently peeling off the pie crust is not good enough.
I still somehow ingested pie crust, and within a few hours, was awoken by intestinal pain that made me whimper, and an immediacy to get to the toilet.
I’m glad it was only one round of painful intestinal madness which also drove me to nausea.

I’d love to update you on other stuff, including the job, but I have no time. Gotta go to work, now.

One week weigh-in: 153lbs

I lost 1lb.

I’ve not been abstaining from sugar or booze very well. But, at least trying!

I forgot to mention my ‘starting weight’ for my latest round of diet modification. I’m starting off at 154lbs (approx 70kg).

Last spring, I cut out caffeine and ALL sugars all at once. This time, I’m being nicer to myself and just eliminating refined sugar to start, so I don’t have a mental breakdown within a week like I did back in April.

I’m still ecstatic that I’ve held steady at 154 since my springtime massive weight drop from 184lbs.

The reason I’m cutting sugar, if I’ve not stated it 83452482345 times already (cuz I tend to obsess like that), is to eliminate my chronic depressions once more. It’s okay to be upset or have anxiety over job and financial instability. It’s *not* okay to get suicidal over such things. That is chronic depression back in my life again. And I just gave the bitch the boot. Again.

I’m also taking vitamins: B, C, Calcium, Multi.

I’m also eating lots of yams and bok choy and fish again.

Oh and it helps that I’m officially re-employed, but still. For me, I know sugar is teh evil.

After hearing nothing further from the recruiter, I decided to just report to work at 9am today. I was expected and they had a machine set up for me, so that means I’m employed!

Woohoo!!

The day went well. I sat with four guys to listen to tech support calls. I read company policy and other first-day-of-work stuff. So far, I dig the people I work with. I understand the various personalities within a tech support environment. But this is a much more positive environment. Even though I also understand the personalities in the ghetto job at the optometrist, and even though I’d previously promised I’d not go back to tech and corporations, I have to say that the ghetto job was not mentally or physically safe for me. The corporate hell, that may not be mentally safe over time, but at least I can play pretend in it for awhile.

Given the choice, I’m sure we’d all rather not work at all. Given a choice, I’m back in corporate hell right now.

I still don’t have final word as to what my pay rate is, or if I’m hourly or salary. I don’t even have timecard information yet. I still haven’t heard from the recruiter since last Thursday.

So there are still issues to be worked out.

And yet this is infinitely better than the optometrist’s office (which never would have been SO bad, had it not been for the coworker).

Changing subject to diet, there were two other firsts today besides new job.
1) I officially stopped eating refined sugar and corn syrup, but I am now eating sugar substitutes and “organic cane juice” sweetener as I wean myself completely from sugar again (The cane juice is in the gluten-free breakfast cereal I eat).

2) On Saturday I had a small bite of my boyfriend’s hamburger and I didn’t get sick, so last night I went to the butcher and bought some venison. Tonight I cooked up a thumb-sized portion of the red meat and ate it. I haven’t gotten sick!
Last year I reintroduced chicken into my diet. This year, it’s red meat! Hooray for food options!

Changing the subject again to money issues: If I’m REALLY careful with my money, I *might* be able to get by until my first paycheck arrives, without having to use any of the loan money my dad is sending me. That would RULE.
…’cause I like proving to my dad that I can conquer tough situations. He’s the one who instilled the fighting Polish/Scottish warrior nature in me to get through my rough poverty-stricken childhood, to get through high school, to get into college, to get through college, and to survive anything since. Whenever I think I should declare myself finished, I just think of how much shit my own dad crawled up out of and made it in life, and how disappointed he’d be in me if I didn’t do the same.

Some people have a deity which instills courage, fear, respect and a sense of not wanting to fail such a mighty being.

I have my dad.

And well I have all his ancestors, too. Man what a rough lot. And they’re fighters, every last one of ’em.

Good news: I got my last paycheck in the mail.

Better news: I got a bonus.

Even better news: My dad is going to give me a loan.

Not so good news: all of this money will take care of the bills and groceries for this month only. Also, george is still here and causing me pain and bleedy doom.

Bad news: I haven’t heard back from the recruiter yet on final status of the job – whether I do in fact report to work on Monday, or if they’ve rescinded the offer.

So I am breathing a sigh of relief, but only out of one side of my mouth.

Haven’t eaten dinner yet. No appetite.

It doesn’t help that my intestines have been a wreck for the past hour – enough so that I had pain, the runs and nausea all at once. This is due to taking a vegetable laxative earlier in the day to ease the constipation that comes with taking so much Tylenol 3 to ease the george pain.

I am hungry. I just don’t want anything available in the house.

I did talk with my father and I sent him information on my bank statement and current month’s worth of bills due or coming due. He said he’ll see what he can do to help me out. For that I am grateful.

I did look for work again and I did send out two resumes tonight.

Excuse me while I have another intestinal explosion with nausea.

…I return…

I’m finally eating, by the way. I’m having a salmon filet and some steamed bok choi. My wonderful boyfriend bought me these groceries the other day. I love him so much. One day, we hoped to be married…

But now that I’m in the sewer financially with no job…
People keep telling me I don’t know yet if I have no job but let’s just say I’m an accomplished pessimist and move on, mmkay?

I was typing up my latest version of resume to send out when white-hot pain seared through my anus. It’s george. He does that. I levitated off my chair, gritting teeth, eyes wide…

and my left foot charlie horsed.

And then I had to limp-run to the bathroom to change because all in one gush, the pad was full because I’d sat up.

Looks like today is another double-dose Tylenol 3 PLUS Ibuprofen day.

At least I’m mentally numb, now, thanks in part to the drugs.

The recruiter wrote me again: “I have a question about one of your reference checks. Can you give me a call to discuss it?”

So I called, and was told that I got a bad review from a boss I had in 2004.
I was asked to explain myself. So I did. I gave a brief honest assessment of what happened. I was told that I should be okay IF the rest of my references come through positively. They should come through fine, RIGHT? I assured the recruiter that they would.

Now the anxiety has increased tenfold.

I don’t know what I’ll do if I’m denied this job.
Well I know the logical next step is to keep looking for other work.

But in the meantime, I have bills past due and rent coming up and my boyrfiend doesn’t have much extra money to help me out right now.
That’s what I mean by I don’t know what I’ll do.

And the cramps have returned.

And I’m crying. I hate crying. It’s so messy and it leaves the eyes all puffy and swollen.

The heating pad didn’t work for too long. I took a nap and the pain woke me up. I took my first Tylenol 3 just after noon. The drugs kicked in much faster than I wanted them to, cuz I was in the middle of backing up my hard drive, heh.

Despite being high on pain medication, I was able to catch up on my sad excuse for a budget, to reflect the current sadder state of my bank account, which is $83.46 overdrawn with no savings and no overdraft protection.
But the pain rang through even the meds. That sucked. I grabbed the heating pad and took another nap.

The pain woke me up again, and by 2:50pm I am already on my second Tylenol 3.

I’m a zombie but I still feel pain. My mouth is agape, my eyes are droopy, my brain is only functional in type. If I were to physically speak, I’d be slurring.

oh, and the cravings! The hunger and cravings… along with the pain…it just won’t stop…
And there’s nothing I can do but ride it out.

George was supposed to be here on Monday. He’s been giving me cramps since at least Saturday but he was a no-show on Monday.

On Tuesday, he showed up for half an hour, I kid you not, then disappeared, leaving behind only mild cramps and low back pain.

I proceeded to have a minor freak out this morning as to george’s lateness. If he doesn’t show up TODAY, I ranted, then I’ll be SCREWED on the new job, trying to concentrate while in shitloads of pain, if I make it in on Monday at all.
Then there was the other panic. Why am I late? I’m not under THAT much stress, am I? I’m not at the old job anymore, so what’s the deal? Could I be pregnant? OMG I don’t need that level of stress right now.

And I know I’ve been sitting on my ass in front of the computer a lot lately, but to my credit, I did get up and run in place and do marches around the house, and do stretches for up to ten minutes straight TWICE yesterday and the day before.

I decided the best thing to do this morning instead of having a full on panic attack would be to move my car (it’s been parked in the same place since Saturday and I was worried I’d get it flagged as abandoned by a crazy neighbor or something), and walk a block to the mailbox to drop off a letter.

As I was on the way to the mailbox, the cramps grew stronger. I hoped that meant george was here.
On a side note, I discovered on my short walk that Vignette’s, a gift store, is closing. I am saddened by this. They always have THEE best decorated windows in town, and I love their kitschy gifts, their faery collection, and all the sparkly things in the store, even if I can rarely afford any of it.

I got back to the house and informed B of the sad news about the store. The cramps were on the increase, so I went into the bathroom to inspect. Mind you, I’ve been inspecting every hour it seems for the past two days. So I was genuinely surprised and relieved to find george this time.

The irony was not lost on me when I exclaimed “Yay!”

But I know now that I have five days including today for george to weild his gnarly brass knuckles and steel-toed boots about my pelvic region, and that he’ll be finished beating the shit outta me by the time I start the new job on Monday. And it makes me very happy to know that george will not be here during my first week on the new job.

B mentioned that because george is three days late, I might not be able to attend the birthday parties of three friends this weekend due to the pain. I hadn’t thought of that, but when B mentioned it, I wasn’t upset. Sorry to my friends, but the job pays my rent, and I had to choose it over ya’ll. Hopefully I can still make it out to the parties. There ain’t no tellin’ when it comes to george.

Currently, the cramps are still ramping up. Slowly, but ramping. I’m to the point of needing the heating pad, but not to the point of needing the Tylenol 3 yet.

Oh, I should also mention that I’ve had massive food cravings and constant hunger for nearly a week. And with that, I was hypoglycemic for the past ten days – all because of george.

I used to keep a spreadsheet of every little symptom. I even started keeping one for my depressions. But that all fell to the wayside sometime around June, with all the stress of moving upon me. Hell, the doctors don’t need any further proof. I’ve got four years of spreadsheets detailing the monthly doom. What’s a few missing months, when I’ve got it recorded here in diary format, anyway.

All right, I’m off.