I Will Not Suffer In Silence

Last night on the way home from work, I decided I want to redo my website and journal. I want to create custom rss feeds for my homepage. Failing that last night, I turned to a new journal design, which I’ve also been thinking about lately.

I succeeded with the journal design, at least.

The changes you see before you reflect change in the person as well. I got tired of all the depressing blue and black. I felt I was keeping myself in a cold depressive funk by the very colours and imagery I’d chosen to reflect my personality through this journal.

The new design I’ve picked and tweaked feels warm. I hope my overall tone begins to change as well. I’m tired of being the depressed pessimist with never-ending health problems. I want all that to change in 2007.

October 31st was my New Year’s Eve, and I’d started thinking about what changes I want for myself in the coming year. It took me about two months to even get used to the harsh changes that I plan for myself, and now, tomorrow, on the New Year’s Eve that is more widely acknowledged, I can officially throw the stone out to sea with the things I don’t want anymore.

I’ve realised in the last two months that I’d become an alcoholic again. I’d become chronically depressed again. I acknowledged consciously once more that all I ever talk about are my health problems. I realised that my grudge against my mother’s side of the family was at fever pitch again for no good reason. And then, to drive it all home, between December 17th and December 29th, I sprained my ankle while piss-drunk, threw out my back days later, got a horrible sinus infection, and got my usual debilitating period while still trying to recover from all the other injuries.

My first reaction of course was self pity and depression, along with the fatalist overtones I learned so well from my mother and her family. But I kept thinking of that song, which I’ve had playing on and off in my head for a year now, and of my determination to finally GET IT on a conscious level.

I think I’m finally getting it.

Saturn is retrograde from December 5, 2006 until April 19, 2007.

According to Judy Collins of the Arizona Society of Astrologers, “A retrograde Saturn makes the individual seek a different kind of responsibility and purpose in life. The person may be challenged by either the father or other authority figures to take more responsibility for their actions. Through the past life experiences, they answer their critics with a slow persistence of reaching their goals in life. Where the planet is by house and where it rules shows the area where they will have to strive hard for success. A retrograde Saturn builds the character to accept small gains in the long process of success. Security issues need to be addressed in their present life and only when the ego does not interfere, does the individual feel a sense of peace. Saturn’s sign in the chart is where the person needs to address the demands and responsibilities of life.“.

Well hm. I don’t know how to do chart progressions. I’ve sat here for hours digging through my astrology books, before finally ordering a chart progression online from a site I’ve visited for years.

I do know where Saturn was at the time of my birth, though. Saturn was in the 2nd house of my natal chart. Not a good placement. Spells a life of financial trouble. I was set from day one to grow up in poverty and have financial woes. However, I firmly believe that I chose this path for myself, pre-incarnation.
It’s been a life-long struggle to overcome being so pissed off by my own karmic choice.

With that, I also know I won’t stop talking about my health issues as I continue to find a way to overcome them, but perhaps I can approach it without such a defeatist attitude.

In general, I want to start approaching what’s left of my life in a healthier manner for myself.
And by “what’s left of my life”, I mean exactly that. I have no idea when my life could end. I could live long or I could die before finishing this journal entry.

It feels good to think of letting go. I want to be able to believe that I can achieve letting go in 2007.

Susan Miller of Astrology Zone writes for this month’s Virgo forecast, “The past year has been a tough one for you, due to the eclipses, but you seem to have adjusted well. Pat yourself on the back for having shown so much strength and fortitude in the face of so many challenges, dear Virgo. I raise my glass of champagne to you.”

Thank you.

January 18, 2009 edit: Well the web design is back in black again…because Endometriosis is such a dark place emotionally. And because well, I liked the old style diary page look.

I went to work with worsening infection yesterday. Just barely got through the day. At the end of the day, george arrived. At least he was merciful enough to A) be on time and B) attack me after I got home.

As last night progressed, I missed two doses of Robitussin. I figured I’d be getting monster george cramps and that I’d need Tylenol 3. But as 10pm approached, my cough worsened and my throat grew more sore and scratchy by the minute. Finally, at 1am, I could stand it no longer. I woke up and took the Robitussin, whimpering from the sore throat.

Wouldn’t you know it, that’s when george decided to give me some lovely cramps!
So all night I was in and out of bed to either hack up lung butter or reheat the rice pad for my cramps.

This morning, my added fun was that I got the trots. I called in sick to work.

Bonus – I scored a doctor appointment this afternoon. Hopefully I can get me some cough syrup w/ codeine in it.

I can’t stop thinking of all the damage my body has taken since December 23rd. I need to ponder some more about what this means for me in the new year. The answer is obvious but I have not brought it forth consciously. Opinions?

1:45pm Edit: I just accidentally shattered a jar in the bathroom while changing clothes. I keep tallying up all the shit that’s happening to me or that I’m causing. I feel like I’m spiraling out of control. I just want it all to stop.

It was early afternoon at work when the scratchy sore throat turned nasty.
I sneezed and presto! Bloody yellow phlegm wad!
The coughing started shortly afterwards. I’d already had a bad sinus headache all damned day, but straight to bloody phlegm wads? My man didn’t ever get any of that! NOT FAIR!

So that, combined with pre-george pains made me one cranky bitch for sure. I got through my day without speaking much to anyone at work (but was my usual charming self on the phones), and got the hell out of there. I made it home in just under an hour, thanks to the fact that so many people are still on vacation.

I apologized to my boyfriend in advance, saying I’m as much at fault as he is for getting me sick cuz I let him get all cozy with me, BUT! I got sick and have no extra money to allocate towards doctor visits or even over the counter (OTC) medication.

To recap:

In the past ten days, I have:

• sprained my ankle
• thrown out my back
• obtained a sinus infection

And in the next 24 – 48 hours, I will also get george. And I’m still recovering from the first two issues on the list.

I am welcome to be as mopey as I please.

Well. It appears we’re having a swarm of earthquakes on the Hayward Fault. Four in one week so far, all ranging between 2.6 and 3.7 on the Richter Scale.
The Experts say that it’s nothing to worry about – swarms like this happen all the time. They say it is releasing stress on the fault line – that it’s not a harbinger of The Big One.

I of course don’t believe the Experts. I think that the fault is slipping. I don’t see stress relief by small quakes. I see slipping fault leading to huge quakes Real Soon Now.

Across the ocean today off the coast of Southwestern Taiwan, an earthquake between magnitude 6.7 and 7.2 struck in the ocean. What’s all going on in the Ring Of Fire?

I’m known for being negative, pessimistic and a bit of a doomsayer. I was, after all, raised that way.

When I avoid my boyfriend for a week to avoid the nasty cold he’s caught, for example, I mean it with good reason. However, with the Christmas holiday, I caved in and got cozy with my man. Today, just three short days later, I am paying for it. I have his cold. It ramped up really fast and led him to miss two and a half days of work.
For me it’s worse because george is slated to invade by tomorrow. I’ll miss work for that anyway, but with a hacking cold on top of george? That’s going to make me one cranky bitter bitch.

The cold, having george, and worrying about The Big One should do well to occupy me on this, the last week of 2006.

I don’t WANT it. It’s what I have to work with.

Saturday, we picked up our Seattlite friend from the train station and took him out to sushi, Christmas lights and Tiki. I am fortunate to have had two sugar daddies that night, cuz I didn’t pay a dime. ;)

After we had dinner, we drove over to a neighborhood on the island that’s famous for nearly every house going over the top with Christmas lights. It’s dubbed Christmas Tree Lane. We walked up one side of the street and down the other side, gawking at some of the hideous houses. The worst crazy house had an American flag all done up in Christmas lights, with drummer boys on each side of it. We took some pix, maybe when I’m not so lazy, I’ll post some.

From the Christmas lights, we went on to the Tiki bar, where we got suitably smashed. Although I’m such an accomplished alcoholic, I think I was the more sober of the three of us, and I weigh much less. We each had at least three drinks. We came back to the house and stayed up chatting with our friend til after 2am.

Sunday, we all slept in nice and late, and then enjoyed a lengthy breakfast. Afterwards, we got ready to go on to our family destinations. We took our friend to the train station so he could go do Christmas Eve dinner with his family, and then we went on to my boyfriend’s father’s house to have dinner.

Today we had to get up relatively early to prepare food for a potluck gathering of friends, and of course to unwrap presents.
My man got me a SNOG CD, a bath tray, lots of bath soaps and salts, a genealogy book (a manual for researchers and writers!), “The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook”, AND a Dr. Strangelove special edition DVD!
I got him the entire collection of the 1960’s TV series The Prisoner, as well as a sketch book by Alan Lee for Lord of The Rings, and the V for Vendetta graphic novel.

I also managed to get a couple loads of laundry done before we were off to our friend’s house. The early afternoon with friends lasted well into the evening, and we didn’t get home til about 10pm. It was a nice time spent in a low-key gathering – there were ten of us plus an infant, and we’ve all known each other for years. Over half the group is our regular Pissup Night group, so there was no social awkwardness for me. Woohoo!

The only downsides to this weekend were the fact that my back began locking up again today. I thought I was starting to recover, but before we even left to our friend’s house, my back began tightening. It grew worse over the course of the afternoon. I took two Soma while at my friend’s house, and I just took a 600mg Ibuprofen now. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

Speaking of sleep, it’s time to get my pajamas on and head to bed. I’m excited that I have leftover food from the potluck to take to work tomorrow – it’s one less thing to worry about having to prepare for the workday.

I hope you all have had a nice weekend and have enjoyed time off for whatever purpose. I was happy to have the free day, and even happier that our group of friends at one point had a round table rant about some of us having grown up in Fundamentalist households. It’s good to be understood. Many of us tonight it seems are non-Christian or downright athiest. All seem to still enjoy the idea of gathering on a free day off work, in spite of the meaning of the day at hand for others. I had a nice time. :)

George left last night.

Today I got my energy back – I feel human again. This must look so contrived to people on the outside looking in. One day I’m fine, next day I’m bedridden. Next day after that, I’m drinking wine and having a great time. Day after that, I’m ashen again from pain and a day later, perfect again.

I don’t expect people to believe me when they can’t SEE the pain. An open wound or broken bone is one thing – it’s a visual and evokes empathy. George however, likes to make one look like a slacker or faker.

Anyway…yesterday was weigh day but it’s skewed cuz of george.

October 16 (starting weight): 154lbs (70kg)
October 23: 153lbs (69kg)
October 30: 152lbs (69kg)
November 6: No weigh-in due to george
November 13: Forgot to weigh in
November 20: 153lbs (69kg)
November 27: 152lbs (69kg)
December 4: 156lbs (71kg)

The only thing that depresses me now is the fact that I’m working so much and I’m STILL unable to pay much debt down. I owe my father and my boyfriend a lot of money. I’m going to start doing minimum balance on the credit cards to scrape up some money to pay dad and boy back.

And no, there’s still not enough money to even afford a cell phone, even though I’m a tech worker.
My man got a Mac Mini really cheap from work. All I have to do is show them the money and it’s mine. I want it NOW – the G3 I’m working on now is pathetically slow…well not as slow as the Windoze machine that preceeded it a couple of years ago I guess. But it’s still bad. I’m even out of disk space.

Anyway…money issues. Story of my life.

On December 2nd, after the pain meds kicked in, my boyfriend drove us up into the Oakland hills for a scenic drive. The wind was biting and rough, averaging 35 MPH (56 KPH) gusts. I wore a winter coat and my gloves. But it didn’t stop us from taking some awesome pictures.

That night, my man had an appointment with some friends he’s doing some artwork for, and I stayed home and either cleaned or went to bed early.
On Sunday, I felt better. George was still hurting me, but subsided in time for my friend N, who was visiting on business from Michigan, to drop by. I showed him the town museum and we got some super creamed ice cream from the local shop.
He then drove me to another friend’s house, where we had a mini Michigander reunion. Everyone except one person that evening was from Michigan. We had an awesome dinner and drank lots of red wine and laughed until our sides split.

When I was brought back home again, I didn’t want the night to end but sadly it was already my bedtime.

This is where everything went downhill. I wouldn’t know it until I tried to sleep through the night, though.

ALL night, I had dreams that I needed to be up in ten minutes or else I’d be late to work. The anxiety dreams increased until I sat straight up in bed and squinted at the clock.

To my horror, my alarm never went off, and I’d slept in by half-an-hour. This meant I could not shower before work.
Then I got into the kitchen and realised we were out of eggs. And I hadn’t made any lunch and baking something now would make me late for work. I scrambled to throw a can of chili and cheese into a microwaveable bowl while also scarfing bites of cold cereal. The time moved faster than I could.
Then I remembered I had no bridge toll money, and no gas in my car. So now I had to cut my morning routine by ANOTHER half an hour.
So all I had to eat was a few bites of cereal, and out the door I went to go to the bank and to the gas station.
I made it to work on time, but I was REALLY grumpy and just not feeling well.

This not feeling well lasted through lunch, when I finally declared to some friends online, ““today is fired. the only thing that could make it worse is if george begins hurting me again.”

Guess what happened, next.

It was just after 3pm and I was on a customer support call. I got a hot flash. Then I felt slightly nauseated. Then, the pain. I shifted uneasily in my chair and felt my face getting hot. I rushed the person off the phone, pushing the rest of their petty web design ignorance to email support. I tore the headset off and told my boss I was taking a break. She looked up and asked if I wasn’t feeling well again and I said “NO” and staggered to my backpack just next to my chair. By this time, the other two coworkers in the cube were eyeballing me with curiosity. I dug out my prescription bottle, which of course HAD to fall to the floor. I whimpered as I bent down to get the bottle and staggered out of the cube to the bathroom.
There, I sat in a stall for several minutes, near tears, as I birthed squid.

I finally composed myself, washed up, took 600mg of Ibu even though I still needed the Tylenol 3 in that bottle, and sat back down at my desk. I messaged my boss that it would take 35-40 minutes for the meds to kick in and asked what she thought was best for me. She took me off phones and had me work on email support for the next 40 minutes. I spent most of that time staring in a stupor, trying to focus on the emailed-in issues and figuring out how to answer them intelligently.

Then the pain passed. The drugs kicked in. How fortunate, or perhaps that was just George’s last gasp and he was done with me? But I didn’t escape fully. The pain episode had wiped me out. I needed bedrest. And my shift was still an hour from done.

I drove home in a daze and was surprised to find my commute was only an hour. I got home and had no will to do laundry because I’d have to go out and get quarters. I had no will to make dinner because it also required effort. I know this means I’ll be making lunch tomorrow while also trying to find breakfast without eggs again, because I didn’t go grocery shopping for more eggs, either. Hell, I’ve already exhauseted my grocery money allowance, anyway. I don’t get paid til Friday.

So I plopped down on the bed after doing some quick work on the computer. Just as I was sinking into a nice nap, I heard my boyfriend unlock the front door. Yay! He’s home from work!

And then, he called out my name like my father might when he is angry with me.

I’d left the bath mat smooshed up against the door again to drive out the cold air. I about cried by this point – getting in trouble after everything else all day today. My depression deepened and I wanted to lash out but instead I just moved the mat out of the way, let my man in the door, then sauntered in my bathrobe back to bed and plopped face down.

My man really does love me, though. He cuddled with me and listened to me whine about my day, and blame my renewed depression on all the pain meds I’ve done in the last four days (which is likely truth y’know).

Now…he’s offered to do some of my laundry with his pile that he had scheduled to do tonight, anyway. I do love that man of mine.

And now, it’s time to shower and get into bed.

Tomorrow better be nicer. Or else…

…or else I might do something irresponsible like take it out on the workplace and walk off the job.

Man I really do need a good job closer to home. After surgery though – it has to wait until then. *whimper*

First, an update.
I woke up on December 1st at 1am in searing pain. I took a Tylenol 3 and was finally able to go back to bed by 2am.

I got up again around 6:45am and left messages for the managers at work saying I wouldn’t be in. Then I got up an hour later with my man and saw him off to work.
The rest of the day was spent in a drug stupor. As a result of said stupor, I kept forgetting my next dose at the right time, and I’d have to fight 45 minutes to an hour of pain again every 4.5 hours on average.
I think I took a total of five Tylenol 3 pills between 1am and 11pm yesterday.

A hemorrhage woke me up this morning. I’ve gone through two thick pads in an hour and a half and I’ve been birthing squid the entire time.

Add to this the fact that I sugar crashed despite eating two bowls of gluten-free peanut-butter corn puff cereal with soy milk.
I have a pounding headache and my eyes hurt and I’m trying to make chicken because I’m sick of eggs but I’m still sugar crashing and I need to take my Tylenol 3 for the pain and OH F*** IT I just stuff a protein bar into my gob and wash it down with the Tylenol 3 and half pint of water.

Now, I wait.

Meanwhile, it’s 65°F (18°C) and sunny outside.

Life is so unfair.

I wish I had a wheelchair so my man could take me out for a stroll.

Oh…I nearly forgot the surgery thing.
I called the doctor yesterday to confirm the January surgery and she said “ohhhh. It may already be too late.”
Which means she forgot to schedule it. I heard her searching through a planning book. She then said she hadn’t expected January to become so busy. She promised to get me the next available surgery date ASAP, and quickly ran through the calendar to predict my next two cycles. We agreed on the estimated dates and she dashed off to see if February 1st would work.
She called back a short time later and confirmed it.

So the new surgery date is February 1st. Pre-op is January 29th.

I am ok with her having forgotten to schedule me in early January for two reasons:

1. It would be right after the holidays and the workplace will be busy.
2. Last weekend I had found out that the Moon will be in Scorpio on the first scheduled date of surgery (previously set for January 11). This concerned me because Scorpio rules the sex organs. Surgery within three days of the Moon passing through Scorpio means longer operating and healing time. Complications are sure to happen. YES, I truly believe in that stuff, leave me alone.

So, I can do this. I can wait. Just two more months. And it gives me more time to save money for the time off work. I was worried about that, too.

I ended up taking a Tylenol 3 around 5pm.

I remember trying to nap, then reading some more of Conduct Unbecoming, a book I haven’t touched in months.
I got fired up enough to update [a now defunct political site].
But all the research and math was for naught when, by 8pm, I was so stoned, I couldn’t focus anymore, so I just provided a quick link to a Salon.com article and went to bed.

I woke up around 12:45am in a lot of pain, and took another Tylenol 3. I should not have let so much time lapse between doses. I should have taken my second dose by 10pm.

So now here I sit with a heating pad, waiting for the drugs to kick in so I can go back to bed without disturbing my man with my whining and moaning in pain.

I’m definitely not going to work in the morning. I knew since noon yesterday that I’d not be going to work on Friday, but every month I go through the reverse psychology thing and set my alarm clock anyway. Never works. Once george arrives, I will always miss 1 – 3 days of work. I’m always thankful when george lands near the weekend like this, so my time off is minimised.

Of course, my weekend plans are now screwed, and once again, I will disappoint friends who had plans and outings in the works. I often wonder if I’m on the last straw with some friends and aquaintances who don’t understand my health condition. Not anyone who reads this journal of course, cuz you have the full TMI.

I will call my surgeon in the morning and leave a message asking for details and confirmation of the upcoming surgery in January.