I Will Not Suffer In Silence

In case I’m not stressing out enough, I had my interview today, and then HR sent out an email to everyone announcing that due to low numbers in January, all of our desktops are going to be monitored. Management will pop right in remote style and see everything we’re lookin at on our screens to make sure none of us is slackin off.

Well I usually keep an IRC window open to keep me sane. Now, forget it. I knew from day one that all our calls are recorded – they were open about that, too. But now also screen-capturing slacker behaviour on the monitors?

Wow just as I was giving nice comments about the place and how it’s not as bad as some companies I’ve worked for. Now it’s WORSE than the WORST one I worked for.
Next, just you watch, I’ll be hired and they’ll tell me I have to report to work by 7am and that I’ll have to do mandatory overtime at the beginning of my shift. Then I’ll KNOW I’ve truly re-arrived at the WORST job I had.

So I stressed over work. And I worked an hour and a half overtime because I was way behind on emails again because the phones were so busy and I had four meetings today (three being interviewers). I got home and didn’t get enough cleaning done. Now I should have been in bed 45 mins ago.

Have I mentioned I’m weepy? Like, over ANYTHING. Everything I look at or hear is beautiful or sad or tragic. Like it’s all the last time I’ll be around after Thursday. I’m told that’s normal. I know that’s fear.

Good night.

Today I:

• Found out george returned AGAIN (this time only moderate spotting, but it was enough to make me quite anxious)
• Sugar crashed hard, despite eating eggs for breakfast and a protein bar.
• Had a bad headache and major fatigue for the rest of the day as a result of the sugar crash.
• Went and had a physical and consulted with my surgeon about surgery on Thursday.
• Went over to the hospital and consulted with the anesthesiology department. Got my blood drawn.
• Was treated to sushi dinner.
• Will now be going to bed.

Laparoscopic surgery in T minus 3 days.

So much for me being the designated driver last night! George came back and killed me dead by early afternoon, and I realised I had not brought my Tylenol3 with me.

My friend had some Darvocet that he gave me. I took that with a muscle relaxer but it still took a couple hours to fully kick in. Meanwhile, I sat or laid around all frowny, dealing with the pain in the midst of the weekend-long gathering.

Once the meds kicked in, I was stoned for the rest of the day. The cramps finally went away after nearly 4 hours. I realised what I’d done wrong. I’d conjured the bleeding/clots and therefore cramps because I had eaten some chocolate-covered espresso beans. Chocolate and caffeine stimulates the body’s endocrine system. This affects hormones. The uterus is regulated by hormones. So the uterus reacted and went WTF?
And presto – I birthed baby squid for hours in major pain.

I …

Am a dumbass.

So when it came time for people to want to go to the casinos in South Lake Tahoe, I was unable to be their designated driver, as I was still stoned on pain meds. :(

People were able to go anyway, and a few of us stayed behind and lazed about. When everyone came back, the drinking began anew, with Lemondrops!

I am cut off from drinking due to surgery coming up in five days, but I was able to taste the Lemondrops. It was soooo good! I definitely would have gotten trashed with the group on those.
In fact, everyone made a good stab at partying like the olden days, but alas, the party petered out by 1am.
I went to bed by 2am and slept like a log (Friday night, I slept like shit, but it was the first night in town and I always sleep like shit).

Welp, it’s 9:45am – I’d better get my arse in gear – people are calling and will be showing up soon for brunch!

I went in to work on Wednesday due to stubbornness and panic over needing money. I came home after an hour and a half, crying in pain. I rescheduled the interview before leaving and thankfully, they were understanding.

I went back to work on Thursday but only worked 6.5 hours before george forced me to go home in pain again.

And of course I went back on Friday. Friday was the worst day with sugar crashes and the heaviest bleeding of the cycle, and of course cramps and near passing out. But I held in there and worked the entire day. I had to. I need the money. I’ll be going out for surgery and won’t be paid for an entire week plus three days. There’s no one to pay my way but me, and I’ve calculated that I’ll owe up to $1200 once my share of the medical bills comes in for the surgery.

On Friday, my boss and the director of tech support called me in for private meeting – they like me so much that they gave me ADVICE on the interview process. Holy shit. You bet I paid attention.

The interview is now set for Tuesday. I have Monday off for pre-op appointments with my doctor and the anesthesiologist.
So I’ll interview Tuesday morning and work that whole day, and work Wednesday. Then I’m off for surgery on Thursday. The things I’m stressing over the most are the anesthetic, because I have a heart murmur, and getting sick before surgery, because I’m traveling and I also found out that my boyfriend’s sinus infection has returned (HE never got on antibiotics after giving me his infection last time, grrrr).

Regarding the traveling, despite my horrible day and the fact that I thought I’d die at several points from the pain or passing out, I still managed to go on auto-pilot due to trip anxiety, and when I got home I arranged for pizza delivery for me and my friend while we loaded up his rental car (I can eat pizza – I just scrape off the cheese and toppings and discard the glutenous pizza dough. ;)).

My friend arrived from Michigan early in the week, and we drove up to Lake Tahoe together in his rental car around 8pm yesterday. We didn’t get in til 11:30pm, and there was a small party to greet us. :)

So far we have 2 people who have flown in from Michigan, two people who have flown in from Seattle, and me and 2 other friends from the Bay Area (California) who drove up (in separate cars).

Tonight is the Big Party™. I’m sorta sad that I have to be the sober person this time, on account of surgery next week. But I’m excited to see the people who could make it for this, our last Cabal Ball with one of our Cabal’s founding fathers – Zerby. I gifted him with a book – Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, by Max Born. The pack I run with in this Cabal is full of certifiable geniuses. They’re the ones who taught me Linux, and how to code HTML by hand. Zerby immediately ran off to the bathroom in glee with the book, hehe!
It may be TMI but Zerby’s the man who taught me the fine art of relaxing on the pot with any book. Now I keep a STACK of books in the bathroom. :D

I even brought up my Mac Mini so I could participate in the usual LAN party aspect. We’re going to have a CD exchange of Stuff and Things™ from our computers.

Enjoy the weekend! I certainly will. This is the best thing right before surgery for me. I’m trying not to think about the fact that I won’t be able to come to Tahoe anymore specifically to see my friend, his wife and kids. They’re moving to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada next month – relocating for work.

Woke up this morning and george still wasn’t here, so I had a panic attack.
Called in sick to work.

Called my doctor again. She called back by 10am and told me it’s no problem that george is late. I had thought I needed to be completely off my cycle by the time surgery happened. She said not so. She said unless I’m having major surgery, they can work around it. She told me not to worry about it, and the surgery date is still on.
I pushed further and asked if it’s too late to request the tubal ligation. She told me not at all – she’ll throw it in and it only takes a couple more minutes of her time, tops.

I nearly cried and thanked her profusely.

I’ve waited so many years to have this granted to me. All these years I’ve had shitty or no health insurance. With HMO insurance, doctors don’t take risks. They consider a woman wanting a laparoscopy to be too expensive or a risk. They are afraid of lawsuits so they deny women hysterectomies and tubal ligations.

But that’s all different, now. I have a PPO insurance through my boyfriend’s workplace. I’m covered as his domestic partner. And they will LET me have my surgery.

Health care in this country is like an abusive parent or spouse, I swear. I’ve been beat up all these years, and now at long last, I am under the wing of what feels like a renegade underground woman doctor (because I’m convinced that the medical industry is still run by men). So I cower and I cringe and I’m not sure if I should trust, but she’s LETTING me have surgery and so far, the Industry is going along with it.

So when george decided to be late this month, I FREAKED out. DON’T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME! I’VE WORKED SO HARD FOR THIS!

And I had a meltdown.

Goddamned men.

And now, I’m having cramps and another hellish hypoglycemic attack, even though I just ate eggs with cheese and mushrooms and chives.

George was supposed to be here today.

He seemed to have showed up ever so briefly on Saturday. I spent the morning with vertigo and a hellish hypoglycemic attack. I took a 600mg Ibuprofen that day for cramps and back pain, and yet I still made it out to a friend’s tea party. During the day, george disappeared.

Yesterday and today I’ve had low back pain and cramping. Today I had another hypoglycemic attack just before lunch, despite having eaten a protein bar an hour earlier.

And so when, after all this, he didn’t show up on time today, I began to panic, because I don’t want to have to move my surgery back again. The first time, it was the doctor’s fault. This time, it’s both of our faults, because when she named the reschedule date, I should have told her to tack on an extra five days in the event of george lateness. And he’s been on time just fine until now, the little bastard.

Technically I’m not supposed to take any pain meds for two weeks before surgery. This puts me at about a week. I called the doctor from work and left a message. She called my home five times but never gave me a detailed message like I’d given her receptionist. The damned receptionist probably didn’t give the doctor my detailed message.
That office leaves NO way to leave a message after hours, and there’s no email address on their website. They’re open banker’s hours so to speak, and I’m at work during that time. I don’t have a cell phone so I guess that’s MY fault. Screw the technology whores, I can’t afford a goddamned cell phone.

Gah.

My lower back is so tense that it feels like the muscles are trying to separate my pelvis and lower spine. I’ve taken a muscle relaxer and I’m waiting for it to kick in.

I have the heater fan on but I’m wearing TWO sweaters, my jeans, socks and shoes and I’m shivering and my hands are still like ice.

Oh, and I almost forgot….this is the week the job I’m temping for decided they’d like to interview me on Thursday for a permanent position. So now there’s even more stress: stress of the interview itself and stress that I’ll have to miss it because george is late. When george is late, it pushes up the pain calendar so to speak. I was supposed to have painful death Monday through Wednesday. Now it’ll be more like Tuesday through Thursday, or Wednesday through Friday.

The only break I see in all of this anxiety is that on Friday, I’m supposed to go to Tahoe for the weekend to participate in an ex-pat party for my friend who’s moving to Canada.
I will sleep in my dome tent full of fluffy padded goodness in his house! It’s going to be a fun party. This group ranges from early twenties to late thirties and none of us act a day over seventeen when we’re together.

I’m FREEZING.

The house is around 66F (18C) but my body thinks it’s 40F (4C).

George isn’t here yet but he’s been giving me cramps since yesterday. He’s due Monday but I just know he’ll show up early to wreck the weekend for me.

To prepare for surgery, I’ve been bicycling to strengthen my abs, but I’ve not bicycled nearly enough this month. I’ve bicycled a total of six times. So sad. I meant to pedal more but I wasn’t disciplined enough and the month has just flown by. Now george will be here, and then a week later, I have surgery. Ugh. I hope my body recovers quickly.

And once again, it’s bedtime by the time I want to journal, so I can’t give a long rambling entry. Probably all the better for you, but my mind has HAD IT with noise itching to get out.

meh.

Why I thought it would be a good idea to have a cup of coffee around 9pm is beyond me.

Hello it’s after 2am!!

This is the second time in a week that I’ve had a caffinated beverage. I should know by now that I’m sensitive to caffeine, especially now that I rarely have it anymore. I realised tonight after the fact that I’m officially a week pre-menstrual, and I ALWAYS crave caffeine during the PMS stage.

The after-effects of ingesting caffeine for me are:

• Insomnia
• Core body temp drops – it’s 70F (21C) in the house and I’m shivering cold, wearing a bathrobe, slippers and a hat.
• Muscle tightening – especially in my neck/shoulders/back. The last thing I need is for my back to go out again.
• Jaw clenching
• Breast tenderness
• Lack of concentration

Thankfully, I don’t have to work in the morning, as the company I’m temping for celebrates Martin Luther King Jr. Day (which reminds me, I should obtain audio of his famous speech and re-read his and his wife’s life stories).

I tried taking calcium vitamins but I only got mildly tired and the body is still tense as hell. I’ve now taken a muscle relaxer. This means I’ve had a stimulant and a relaxant in the same evening. Uppers and downers! The Elvis Diet! Woohoo!

I’d like to begin reading Quantum Psychology, which I picked up at the Library on Saturday. However, I’m not sure I’ll retain anything I read due to current lack of concentration.

*sigh* what a dumbass! Go me!

At a party tonight, I was asked, “do you have a sunburn?”, to which I replied something along the lines of, “no, I always get a flushed face when I’m drinking. I blame it on my Appalachian family – they’re a mix of Scotch-Irish and get red faces when drinking booze.”

Well curiosity got the best of me in this late hour and I googled it.

I found goaskalice. Hm! I never knew that. I’m not Asian, but that’s still fascinating.

Then I found a webmd.com article. Hey! Neat! I drank white wine predominantly tonight, and some gluten-free beer (yes gluten-free beer, it exists).

Fascinating! So white wine is a trigger for red face! Very interesting indeed.

I wonder if there’s a yeast connection? If so, I’ll have to eliminate several alcoholic beverages from my diet now, too. :(

Surgery has been scheduled, as I mentioned back on December 2nd.

A few weeks ago, I decided it would be a wise idea to strengthen my abdomen prior to surgery. I’ve been holding steady at 153lbs (69kg), so I’m not hellbent on losing weight, but if the bicycling brings more weight loss, I’ll of course be happy.

I brought my bicycle into the house and set it up in the kitchen on the trainer. I was able to pedal for 5 minutes before my legs gave out.
A couple weeks later, I tried again (after I’d sprained my ankle and given it time to heal a bit). This time, I was able to pedal for 10 minutes before my legs couldn’t take it anymore.

Tonight, I pedaled for 15 minutes! I could have gone longer but I was being a girl about getting sweaty.

It is my goal to really ramp up the pedaling and get in 15 mins at the least *every* night.

By the time surgery happens, I hope to be fit enough to have a swift recovery. And well, I just wanna be fit.

I’ll also be figuring out how to lift my tits again. Back in 2003 when I was all genderbent and thinking I had to become a boy, I was binding my breasts. That was a bad thing to do, cuz they lost muscle and flattened. Pancaked. Flap-jacked. Sagged.
It’s not perty.

I think lifting barbells is a start, and doing butterflies with the barbells, too.

But first, getting into daily pedaling routine.

As for the surgery itself, I’m getting more nervous as the day approaches. I’ve already got the time approved off work with no questions asked. That was VERY reassuring and calmed me significantly when I got the reply mail back from my boss saying “no problem!”

I’m trying not to think too much about it – no sense in stressing myself out a month ahead of time. It’s under the surface but I do other stuff like pedal and make my usual OCD lists of Stuff To Do each day and week.

This week began today, and I’m accomplishing 1 of 4 things on my list so far – I’m burning my CD collection into my Mac Mini.

Did I tell you I got a Mac Mini?

Yeah, around Christmastime – my man got one used for cheap through work. My G3 was literally dying on me and I’d run it out of disk space. So I plopped down $250 for the Mini. I lurve it!

Right. Now it’s on to try to tackle one more item on my To Do list before bed tonight. Bed always comes so soon through the week. :(
Thirty-nine minutes is all I have left before 10pm. Gotta be up at 5:30am.