Fear

Left to my own decision, I’d have stayed home again today.

But the sound of my father’s voice keeps ringing in my head, “Even if you have to crawl in to work…

It’s not just because I fear letting my father down if I lose this job due to poor attendance because of a disease.
I also fear letting my man down, because I’d become dependent upon him financially if I lose this job.

Given my own decision, I would have sold off a lot of my belongings and would have learned to live communally on a lower salary doing a job more suited to my happiness, or even a part-time job somewhere.

But I don’t feel I have a choice or a decision. And that’s sad.

I’ve chosen to want to please my father by being the first to go to college and escape poverty the way he did through corporate work. I’ve chosen to want to please my man through working for an entity which provides a way to pretend to live middle class.

I’ve made my bed, so to speak.

I’m not emotionally prepared to let these men down. And they’re not emotionally prepared to deal with being let down. That’s the fear – being disowned by them. Neither man likes it very much to have to support me financially. Both men give me the hairy eyeball whenever I ask for money or show dependency.

I looked into State Disability. I don’t qualify because I’m not out past eight consecutive days in a row. Not even my surgery qualified me. Although I was out for eleven days, the problem is that Disability doesn’t pay the first week off, anyway. It’s held as a “waiting period”, and then disability pay kicks in. So even though I miss work on a monthly basis, I still don’t qualify for disability. I would have to be unable to work all of the time due to my illness. And the fact is, I’m only ill once a month.

Now, to look fear square in the eye (OW, as I get a huge pinch on the left ovary causing me to cringe and gasp, while the uterine pain continues), I could say that although it’s rough today, I should still make an attempt to go in to work. Today is orientation day for me. I get to find out what sorts of benefits I get as a full-timer. Most importantly, I get to find out how many Paid Time Off (PTO) days I get, because I’ve already had to use …

…okay this is not cool. The pain is so bad now that I’m crying. I’d stood up to go prepare more food and there was a gush. Then the massive wave of pain. It passed after a few minutes. But I’m left with tears on my face.

*breathe*

I’ve already had to use one PTO day yesterday, and I’ll be using another on Monday for my post-op appointment and my pain-management appointment.
And then there’s the tickets to an event in Portland in May. And the trip home to see my parents in October. And every month, a few days off due to george (Hm I guess I should update that link for george).

*more breaths*

I need to wait for the pain to pass without Tylenol 3. I just took 600mg Ibuprofen, and now I wonder how that will react with the Yasmin, since the Yasmin booklet says also taking Ibu regularly can spike potassium levels (oh look, there’s Fear again).

I think the pain has passed along with the squid. … nope… still more.

But off I go to work. I don’t feel confident about this trek.

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