Still having breakthrough bleeding.

Enjoyed the sights on the way home because of the storm clouds.

Got home and sobbed for half an hour straight while pacing the house and clutching my head.

I hate the synthetic hormones.

I hate my job.

I’m waiting for the on-call nurse to call me back. She’ll probably tell me to get off the Yasmin. But then I bleed and get horrible cramps.

Either way, I might have to miss more work. I can either miss due to being mental sobbing basket case or I can miss due to dying menstrual pain.

And we just got lectured on Saturday on our mandatory overtime day at work that we can only take 3 days off total per month from now on.
And I’ve already taken 3 this month as of tomorrow when I have to leave early to get another MRI (car accident related – to get my neck looked at this time).

As of this Friday I will have worked 100 hours since March 16th.

Crying resumes.

Crying stopped by 8pm when I took a shower.

The on-call nurse never called back.

I considered at one point during my pacing and sobbing that I should just take myself to the Emergency Room and commit myself.

But fear took hold.

I have to be at work – I’m afraid to miss any more days.

I’m afraid to be locked up for longer than I need.

I’m afraid of how much it will cost to be locked up.

I didn’t try calling the on-call nurse or the manager because I was afraid they’d tell me to stop taking the Yasmin, and if I stop taking it, I will bleed and have pain again.

Oh and don’t say ‘how do you know?’
I’m tired of having to prove myself to people. I’m so goddamned tired of being the one who knows myself best, yet having to prove to the medical establishment and anyone else who talks to me that YES, I DO know myself well enough to make a statement about what MY BODY will or will not DO.

I TOLD everyone I get psycho and messed up on synthetic hormones. I was asked to prove myself with “oh they’ve changed the dosage in the past seventeen years, just try it out” and “oh but you never tried THIS one before, just try it” and “you’ll never know unless you JUST TRY IT”. I’ve proved myself.

Now the only quandry is do I continue to prove myself or have I proven myself enough? When is it enough for me and the world? Am I now on a mission to prove to MYSELF – that is to say, have I lost the ability to TRUST myself over this??? Is that why I go on?
So the quandry is do I stay mental and miss more work or do I go off the Yasmin and get bleedy painful doom again and miss more work?

I make my case again for disability insurance. Only, I’m never sick enough for the federal government (social security disability insurance – SSDI). They say my disability means I can’t work AT ALL for a year or more. THEN they’ll give me money. And it will never be enough to live on.

I make my case therefore for reset button.

2 Responses to “breaking”

  1. Kahleida

    FYI, in terms of being in a mental ward you can go in on a voluntary basis and still have it covered by insurance, it may be harder, but I’ve done it before and had insurance cover basically everything. I’ve had to pay very little for my hospital visits, surprisingly little actually.
    And if you do get put on a hold and they want to keep you longer than you want, you have the right to see a judge. I have done this once before, and had the judge side with me.
    I dunno where you really are, but I can say from my own experience that getting into the right mental hospital really helps. It is such a relaxing thing to be in an environment where everything is taken care of for you, and where you can express your ‘crazyness’ without anyone judging you. I just want you to know that if it somehow comes down to that, it’s nothing to be scared about, (just don’t go to a place like sf general). Also if you are able to get a psychiatrist at some point, it helps immensly if they work with a hospital and have admitting privilages and can visit you there.