I’ve been depressed since March 14th. I took most of the day off work on the 15th, and the entire day off on the 16th. The anxiety that resulted from being off work intensified my depression, because I was afraid I’d be fired when I returned on Monday.

On top of that, I spent the weekend from Friday through Sunday with anxiety panic moments over the thought of returning to work on Monday – not because I thought I’d be fired, but because I just didn’t want to go back.

I returned back to work on Monday to no firing – no reprimands – no nothing. However, my depression worsened:
Now that I’m full time, I’m expected to participate in the weekly company meetings, which fall on Mondays. This means that once a week, I have to give up my lunch hour – it’s mandatory. Oh sure, they pay me for it, but I’m lucky if I have ten minutes to scarf my lunch down (half the time it takes that long just to assemble and reheat my specially prepared gluten-free lunch). On the Mondays when I have to work through lunch on the phones so other groups can attend the meeting, I only have time for two very hasty bites between phone calls, resulting in a cold lunch and foul mental state.

Then there’s the mandatory charity outings that the company invokes upon its employees. This month’s endeavour entails spending a day out in the sunshine pulling weeds and other laborious work for a nature preserve. Paid, of course.
The Yasmin pill makes me very sensitive to sunlight. My eyes hurt and I can burn easily. The company simply says, “wear sunblock”.
I’m not the only one grumbling about this. It was brought up in the company meeting that people across teams and departments are grumbling loudly against participating in charity stuff as part of the job description. Despite it being part of the job description, we must sign a waiver that should we become injured on such an outing, our company is NOT to blame.
I’m not scheduled to go for another couple of weeks, but I’m trying to find a way out.

Back to my depression – Monday night I came straight home from work and drank myself drunk. I woke up Tuesday morning with a slight hangover. Tuesday I took a total of 3 Lorazepam for anxiety – two at work and one on the way home.
I got home from work Tuesday evening and did some dishes and went to bed before 9pm. I was awakened at 1am by my boyfriend, who was just crawling into bed, wanting to know if I’d set my alarm.

This set off another panic attack, only this time, I didn’t have any medication. I wasn’t supposed to have gone to bed so early – I was supposed to pick up my prescription. And I’d also forgotten to take my Yasmin pill. I whined near tears at my boyfriend for allowing me to have slept. It’s not his fault but I was panicked.
I did my breathing exercises and soon fell back to sleep.

Woke up this morning with a left shoulder so sore, it feels like it’s about to go out again.

…and now it’s time to go to work.

3 Responses to “Depression”

  1. Kahleida

    Is it even legal for them to deny you lunch? According to:
    they must give you a 1/2 hour lunch.

  2. zept

    Thanks, I found it. “An employer may not employ an employee for a work period of more than five hours per day without providing the employee with a meal period of not less than 30 minutes.”
    And I will use this to my advantage.

  3. Heather

    I can’t believe they can force you to do charity work on the weekend if you have a five day workweek. And like Kaleida said, you are supposed to be given thirty minutes for lunch a day.

    I will try to call you in a few days. I really miss you!