I Will Not Suffer In Silence

The belly button glue plug fell out yesterday morning in the shower, leaving an open wound. I’ve been wearing a bandaid over it.

Went over my options for hormonal treatment with the doctor today at lunch. She suggested she could put me on a progesterone-only pill, but I think the progesterone is the problem. I’ll research it and get back to you with solid reasons why.
She told me I could have a hysterectomy, but I don’t want to go on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) because of all the scary side effects from that (hm, last time I updated that directory was 2004).
I took the Yasmin before bed last night instead of in the middle of the day. Today seemed calmer, so I’ll continue taking the pill at night and see how it goes.

This morning I took my boss aside and explained that I’m having bad reaction to my medication, just so she’s aware that it’s not who I really am.

It’s like an X-Files episode…“We’re not…who….we are!”.

I was fine til just before lunch, when I had thee most illiterate asshole old fart call in for support, and he couldn’t even SEE shit on the screen to find where I was directing him verbally. UGH. I kept growling on mute. Cow-orkers again asked me if I’m okay. I said NO.

Then as I was preparing to go to lunch, my podmate came over to me to vent in a not so hushed manner about how she’s about to freak out and quit on the spot, how much management sucks with all the shit they’re piling on us, how she doesn’t care if she’s away from her phone right now when she’s supposed to be taking the next call, and how she hates certain NAMED managers who don’t even DO work all day. I didn’t know what to say, except that I’ve had bad days, too. While she ranted on, the NAMED boss in question came into our cube to feign looking for OUR manager, then looked at my cow-orker talking to me, and went back to his cube next door. I mean, come ON, woman! Could you put yourself in anymore precarious a situation? And don’t be making me guilty by association!

GAH.

First the furry, now this girl.
I mean, I’m nutso. I admit it. But at least I know WHY and warn my manager as to the REASON. And I keep to myself other than that.

This girl – she’s myself three jobs ago, when I acted out on a regular basis and got myself fired from the same corporation TWICE.

I had more aggression towards customers (on mute, I love the mute button) throughout the day. I left work pissed off because I never did get ahold of my doctor, and yes, I did try to reach her.

I drove recklessly out of the parking lot and zoned out on the way home. Halfway home, I realised I’d forgotten to re-fax in my timecard to the agency, because they never did get my last timecard TWO WEEKS AGO.
This damned agency HARDLY EVER received my timecard. I’d fax it every week and nearly every week I’d have to re-fax it. Either they suck or the workplace’s fax machine sucks. Either way though… I’ll still blame the agency. Screw them. Whatever.

So I got pissed again. I have to remember to fax it tomorrow.

Then I got home, checked my mailbox, and discovered that the book scanning company STILL has not sent me my tax papers. I can’t file my tax return til I have their papers. I’ve already called once last week about this. So I entered the house, SLAMMED the door, THREW my shit down on the floor, and called the bastards. I left a nasty message threatening legal action. These are the assholes after all who wanted to fire me for having george pains and having to be off of work a couple of times per month. These are the same assholes who hired a friend of mine, who raised their scanning numbers OFF THE CHARTS to new crazy highs, and then FIRED HER for also having health issues and needing emergency surgery for a compressed disc (she’s suing, btw).

So naturally, I’m in NO mood to do housework now that I’m home. The dishes haven’t been done since Friday. The kitchen smells like a kennel from all the food and eggshells and stuff in the sink.

I don’t care.

I lit incense rather than deal with it.

Then I started drinking. My boyfriend offered to get a pizza, but then called and said he wouldn’t be home in time before the pizza joint closed. I told him we could fend for ourselves, no worries. But he had his heart set on pizza.

So I went and got a pizza.

I got back into my car with the pizza, started the car, and drove OVER the parking spot divider.

Some guy had just parked in front of me and to the left, and saw the whole thing.

Then I backed over the curb instead of continuing forward, for fear of scraping the gas tank, and I almost hit the van parked to my left.

That would have RULED!

The guy stayed in his car the entire time…
It was funny.

And this is what recklessness I’ve come to, being on the Yasmin for 3 weeks.

I feel like I’m 23 again.

Do I need to create a separate category for progesterone pill side effects?!?!?!

AAGAGAGAGAHHHHHH

Today I pushed my luck at work. I got unruly with customers. I got loud. I exclaimed out to my boss several times at how suck-ass our customer service is and how stupid the customers are. I couldn’t control myself.

It’s the hormones.

This is *exactly* what I’ve been telling you. I told you that the first and only time I tried birth control pills in 1991, I became a psycho hosebeast, and that was on the lowest dose available back then. But noooooo. People keep telling me that the doseages have changed since then, and I’ll be FINE.

WELL HELL NO I’M NOT FINE. I’M ABOUT TO THROW MY FECKING CHAIR THROUGH THE GODDAMNED COMPUTER MONITOR!

I was fine this morning til I got on the road to commute to work. Then a surge washed over me. A huge, hormonal surge of do0m. It manifested as anxiety. I had to control my breathing to avoid a panic attack.
Once at work, I thought I was fine. Then the surge re-occurred. And re-occurred. Throughout the day. I was a psycho bitch all fecking day. I knew it as it was happening but could not control myself. I started bashing my water bottle down on my desk when the idiot customers wouldn’t follow directions or couldn’t understand how to even fecking LOOK to the right of their application to see the obvious goddamned tabs to click.

*slow, deep breaths*

Okay.
I’ve just called the on-call nurse for my gynecologist/surgeon. She told me to call the doc tomorrow on lunch hour (I don’t have a cell and whined ‘what do i do?’) and demand to speak to the surgeon right then and there and let the staff know I don’t have a cell, that I’m at work, and that I don’t get home til well after their office closes for the day.

This on-call nurse rocked the house. She was very explicit in how I should weild myself when calling, tomorrow. I could hear her kids screaming in the background but she continued to talk to me. I felt much better. I can do this. Doc will talk to me tomorrow and we’ll figure out a new course for the meds. I’ll even talk to my boss if need be, to let her know what’s going on.

*slow, deep breaths* … sip of Mai Tai….

I JUST WANT THE RAGE TO STOP.

For my memory and for others with Endometriosis who may find this journal:

Today is Day 32 post-laparoscopic surgery, in which Stage III Endometriosis was found.

At Day 32, the following is true for me:

• Sex resumed at Day 24 but bright red bleeding occurred afterwards and lasted a half a day. Sex again on Day 31 resulted in the same. It’s not enugh to fill a pad.
• The glue plugs are STILL in the incisions (well, one of the three fell out the other day), and the belly button is the most tender and keeps getting inflamed due to clothing and skin rubbing on it throughout the day (skin if I slouch while sitting). Wearing a bandage, carefully placed, seems to help.
• The left ovary (the problematic ovary for me) still gives jarring pinches of pain on occasion (roughly every other day throughout the day), enough to make me gasp.

At Day 14 on Yasmin birth control pills (bcp) for Ovarian Suppression – that is to say – using bcp as a way to try to prevent the Endo from growing back, the following is true for me:

• Breakthough Bleeding is present on a daily basis – it’s very light.
• Breasts are VERY sore for up to three days after even light sexual play.
• Highly energetic – my legs are constantly bouncing and I come home from a desk job nearly every night to work out (for me this means dancing til I sweat buckets).
• My face seems blotchier than usual – a noted side effect in the Yasmin instruction packet.
• I get bursts of aggression bordering on rage that can be difficult to control if I’m not careful. This is reason #1 why I stopped taking bcp the first time, back in 1991. I’ll see how Yasmin continues to treat me and try something else if I have to.
• I am happy to report that libido is NOT negatively affected by the Yasmin.
• Acne was a problem in the first week of taking Yasmin but was easily remedied by swabbing my face and back with Witch Hazel twice a day.

Also re-noted for posterity – the first period after my surgery did NOT show any signs of relief – it was as bad (felt a bit worse actually) than my periods before surgery, and I was home sick from work as a result.

Now that I’ve been on Yasmin for 2 weeks, I anxiously await the next menstrual cycle to see if it tries to show up. I’ve been instructed to take Yasmin uninterrupted for a year because my periods are so bad.

Yesterday morning in the shower, another glue plug fell out. This was on the right side, and it left more of a hole than the one on the left side. I don’t think all of the glue came out of the incision on the left side, now that I look at it. so I’ve been keeping the right side incision bandaged. The only glue plug left now that’s been giving me grief is the belly button. Because I have a bit of a belly, the button gets irritated by damn near anything I wear, waistband or not. I’ve bandaged it from time to time but it seems to make it worse. *sigh*

The Yasmin has me very antsy. I have all sorts of energy. I’ve been coming home every night and turning the house into Club Steph. I dance and dance until I drip-sweat.

I’ve lost two pounds. YAY! Down to 153lbs (69kg).

Oh, and I just spent $150 that I shouldn’t have, but the outfit is friggin gorgeous and I *must* look fantastic for an upcoming gothic festival in May.