I’ve gone away

yesterday afternoon i became suicidal. very. suicidal. had several plans to choose from. also looked up one-way airfare to several countries.
i know within an hour of taking the yasmin of its effects on me. the hyperactivity and anxiety set right in.
two weeks after the incident by which a new temp was fired and i’d gotten empathic on her behalf and cried ‘bullshit’ and HR heard me… two weeks later i get in trouble for it. why so long? my boss had a talking to me yesterday.
so now i wait to also get in trouble for my ‘forced labor’ comments on tuesday. that could also take two weeks to get me in trouble for that, and who knows, maybe they’ll fire me.
i was so good when i was a temp. i kept myself in check.
i have an attitude and don’t respond well AT ALL to authority figures. i’ve always know that. but taking the yasmin helped all that rotten negativity spring out like a broken fire hydrant.

i also had a customer tell me “don’t EVER talk to me that way” when i suggested that she not have signed up for the software if she’d claimed repeatedly to me that she had no idea what the sales guy was selling her. she tried making it his fault. it’s not HER fault she didn’t understand! HE shouldn’t have sold it to her, then! what a crock of shit! so i told her that perhaps, not understanding things, she might have asked for details or not signed up at all. i’m sure she’ll report me and i’ll get in trouble for those comments, too.

it’s out of control, you see. my attitude mouth won’t shut up. it’s a loose cannon.

then i had to work an hour of overtime just to catch up on emails yesterday. my boss moved my email catchup time to the mornings. so when i finished most of my assigned emails, she piled another ten on me. this screwed me for the rest of the day because i have mail replies coming in, and escalation replies coming in, and i’m sending out mails to customers all day while talking to them on the phone – sending followup instructions and so forth. so she screwed me with more mail. then at one minute til quitting time i get an angry caller on the line that takes up 18 minutes of my precious email followup time.
so i stayed an hour.

there is, despite any yasmin medication, a direct correlation to my severe depression and the amount of overtime i work at the end of a business day. i’d had mental breakdowns well before surgery or yasmin medication because of the overtime stress.

but yesterday afternoon…

it’s the worst i’ve been since 2000 when i had the plan to off myself.
i informed my boyfriend that i was leaving and that i needed help packing my shit. you can imagine the terror and grief on his part. i was not in my right mind. i’m still not in my right mind. i cried and sobbed and grrrrr’d and rocked to and fro. i came very close to going to the emergency room but kept backing off of that. finally, at 10:30pm, i took 2mg of ativan and passed out.

we took today off work. i’ll be seeing a doctor today. despite what any doctor says, i’m getting off the yasmin. i know it won’t be a quick fix. the yasmin has to leech out of my body, now. i’m not out of the woods for awhile.

bottom line remains same as last night’s declaration: i’m tired of being trapped in this meatsack and i’d like to be released. it’s too stressful to be encased in this mess of a body with this broken brain. i want out.

One Response to “I’ve gone away”

  1. Duckei

    NO!
    i will call you momentarily