The Yasmin has been fired

My surgeon called me back yesterday and sounded argumentive at first, because she thought I’d already quit taking the Yasmin in favour of the progestin-only pill called Micronor.
Whereas I had told her that I’d research the Micronor and decide if I wanted to take that, or stick with the Yasmin, or do nothing at all.
The surgeon got it in her head that it would be Micronor or nothing, and so thought for the past month I’ve been on nothing.

When I told her all that I’ve gone through on this latest mental breakdown, she changed her mind as to the culprit. Before this, she kept saying it was the synthetic estrogen component in the Yasmin that was making me so whacky. That’s precisely why she’d wanted me to try the progestin-only Micronor.

Well, after hearing about the loose cannon mouth and attitude and 5150 label, she told me it was the progestin in the pill that was making me this way. Now if ya’ll read several entries back in my journal, you’ll see that I was the one to pin this originally. But noooo. Once again, nobody ever listens to me. Even when I raised that question on an IRC channel, someone said, “are you sure it’s the estrogen?

But I digress.

Yesterday was spent being babysat by my boyfriend. In the evening, two more friends came over, and we went out to dinner. I was hungry but didn’t want anything to eat. My boyfriend fed me tidbits off his plate, and that’s all I had the stomach for. I really just wanted a bottle of vodka, but I drank water.
After dinner, we went and got dessert. I’d wanted a banana split and kept asking for that all afternoon. When I finally got it, I forced it down. I’m glad most everyone joined me, because otherwise, I’d have taken three bites and had been done with it. We all made a good stab but still didn’t finish it. I was happy to sit there with the guys in an ice cream palour, though.

The whole time we were out, I was super tired from all the anti-anxiety meds I was on. And my brain STILL wouldn’t shut up. I’d just stare off, brain still whirling, but not loud enough to make me wail and clutch my head like I’d been doing the night before.

Today I’m going to go in to work. I’ll see how long I can take it before I come home. If I need to come home, I am to call my man and he’ll come home, too.

I feel I somehow understand a comment one of my friends made months ago. She’s sick, too, but not with major depression or side effects from Yasmin. With her disease, she declared she’s only seeking help for the peace of her husband, but she doesn’t really want it. I didn’t understand that at the time.
I do, now.

I’m only trying to get better and get past being suicidal for my man, who still talks marriage with me even now. Even others – friends – family – don’t have the kind of sway my man has right now. I don’t mean to be cruel by that. I love my friends and family.

But given my own life, doing it for me alone, how I feel right now, I’d press the reset button.

I’m told the Yasmin takes like 48 hours to leech out of the body. We’ll be at the 24-hour mark around 11:30am today.

Last night I took 800mg Ibuprofen for george cramps. We’ll see how bad that gets, too. On a regular schedule, he wouldn’t have been due til the 12th.

Lastly, I wonder if anyone at work took care of the issue I requested when I called in sick, yesterday. I HIGHLY doubt they did. And I also wonder if I’ll be fired for absence or the one they love to use – performance issues. Even though, just last Friday, I was told the director of support loves me and doesn’t want me to go. That all changed on Monday when I didn’t get through my assigned mails in time and HR was still stewing over some comments a full week prior to that.
My boss is off work today, though. We’ll see.

Time for more Lorazepam.

A great gift to me would be to send me on a 100 day retreat to a Dzogchen camp.

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