I Will Not Suffer In Silence

Because I had to put together a bunch of paperwork for the Labor Board yesterday (my phone interview is in a week!), which entailed printing out chat logs and emails with management to prove my case to the Labor Board that discrimination had taken place, naturally last night I had a dream/nightmare about the company that fired me.

I was at my desk, trying to get some work done so I could just leave for the day. The director of support looked at me uneasily but I don’t think he said anything. As I was finishing up for the day, I realised suddenly that I’d been fired days ago…but yet I kept coming back to work because they needed me and they knew it, and that’s why people were looking at me uneasily – I just wouldn’t go away¹.
As soon as I had this realisation, I abruptly stopped working and began to clear off my desk. I realised then that I had a lot of my personal stuff at the job², and that I’d need to stay very late after work boxing everything up. Good thing it was already after hours and everyone had gone home. I began to go through the darkened office, looking for boxes and newspaper to wrap my more fragile stuff in. As I was near the front door to the building, someone walking on the sidewalk outside³ glanced in at me furiously going through boxes and newspaper, while everything around me looked to be in a toppled mess. I remember thinking, “Oh crap, she probably thinks I broke in and is now off to call the police.” I hurried to a back room to look for more boxes.
Suddenly, the place turned into my father’s old house in Livonia – the one he grew up in full time, and then my brother and I grew up in, on weekends visiting dad. The place was a mess – boxes and garbage and stuff everywhere.4 As I was packing up my stuff, I began to notice … what the hell? CAT POOP! Giant dog-sized logs and curls of cat poop… everywhere? And my cats scampering about! I’d have to clean that up, too, before I could leave!!! Ugh!
I went to the wetbar and sat down and began packing some of my stuff up. That’s when my friend nateM showed up and sat down on the arm of the small loveseat in the wetbar, to my left. He began talking with me, and then my dad and his girlfriend5 came home. I apologised for the mess, and my dad announced that it was their anniversary, so I had to leave immediately so they could ‘celebrate’. I began scooping up my boxes and paper to exit the house, and then I woke up.

Good times, eh? I always hate having the work-related dreams after I’ve been let go, but alas, it’s what happens every time. I was doing fine with only having had the one dream, til I had to go and dig up all the paperwork for the Labor Board.

¹ This part of the dream happened because I had emailed a coworker asking if they’d be a witness for me to the Labor Board, because they too suffer from a health condition for which they are being harrassed. They wrote back in terrified manner: “I don’t think that I’d be any help regarding being a witness to anything. Remember, we had different schedules, days off and I wasn’t around when anyone from HR or management spoke to you about the absentee situation. To be frank, and I hope you understand, although no one at [the company] has ever given me reason to fear retaliation, I have had jobs where such situations have ended up in a bad way for me. 2 mortgages, a car payment and a heap of bills makes me try my best to fly right under the radar. I’d be happy to be a reference if a new employer calls, but there’s no union at [the company] to fall back on if someone thinks that I’m slinging mud.”
I have a heap of bills, credit card debt, a car insurance payment, and rent, and the company fired me. If I don’t pay my dad back the money I owe, I can make one month of bills before unemployment money sets in. And what if the money is delayed or denied? What if I can’t get another job right away? THAT is the fear. That is what keeps people in the jobs that abuse them, because they are afraid of being kicked out of their homes and cars. I don’t know if this person’s spouse works for a living and can help out financially like my man can help me. I understand The Fear because I’ve had The Fear – why else would I have stayed in so many shitty jobs for so long? But this is ridiculous. It has GOT to stop. People HAVE to get control of their lives and STOP letting money rule them and drive them into an early grave.
² This is actually not true. I stopped leaving personal artifacts at work right away after my first dotcom job let me go in 1998. I’ve never fully settled into a job since then, because I didn’t trust them to keep me, and I was right. I’ve had 14 jobs in 10 years, with eleven of those jobs being in the dotcom field.
³ There is no public sidewalk right in front of the main entrance – only an employee parking lot.
4 A total exaggeration of events yesterday – I was helping a friend clean house yesterday and it was nowhere near what my dad’s house in the dream looked like.
5 My dad is already remarried, has been for several years, and his anniversary isn’t til March, so I don’t know what that was about. ;)

On October 9th, I missed work again due to george, so I went to the doctor that day to get the doctor’s note to excuse me from work, per HR’s request. At that appointment, the new doctor that I appointed to be my full time doctor told me that next time she saw me, she wanted to do a full physical and really take stock of hte medical conditions going on. She asked if I ever had depression, based upon what she saw in my file (I’d been on Lorazepam for anxiety). I told her yes and she felt for some reason to really delve into my depression issues. I told her I don’t really HAVE a problem with the depression right now. No matter, it’s important, she says!

Oooookay. So I made my appointment for October 23rd…

Today I was almost denied the doctor visit because the front desk people told me that my man’s medical insurance carrier said I already had a physical in December, 2006. In reality it was a new patient appointment which, per my new doctor, “ran out of time because you had a lot to cover, and so it was billed as a physical”.
I told the front desk that no blood workups or anything was done – just the history. oh well! It’s done!
I told them to see me today anyway so they put it down as ‘other’ exam. That’s not the worst part.

The new doctor I hired gave a cursory glance to all the copies of my medical history that I’d made her – stuff relating to the car accident, the neck and back issues resulting from said car accident, the depression, the endometriosis and the gluten allergy, as well as pancreatitis. She said she wouldn’t keep most of it, and said that most of it is NOT RELAVENT!!!
She made suggestions that I try other hormones for the endo, despite me telling her NO, I will NOT go down that road again.
I told her that the pancreatitis and gluten allergy stuff needs to be in my file because it’s stuff that shows I have a weak immune system, and is likely also working hand in hand with the endometriosis, which is also said to be an autoimmune disease. My doctor said that trying to understand my body is futile because it’s all speculation and theory as to if endo is an autoimmune issue and can be tied/aggravated by the gluten allergy, which is also an autoimmune issue… she told me to stay with pain management doctor instead of going to her about neck/shoulder pain.

So she’s fired! By the time I got out of my appointment, the office was closed. I’ll be calling the doctor’s office tomorrow to request copies of my medical records back.

I feel that the problem is that doctors hate seeing my mountain of paperwork – it’s like I’m a threat to them. They like to treat one symptom at a time, not the whole person – not the whole history – it takes up too much of their time.

Oh, and they overcharged me too, today. They insisted each visit is $30. I told them no, it’s $15. They insisted I had a balance of $30. I paid it, plus today’s visit, which I told them I would ONLY pay $15 for, and told them I’ll look into it. SURE ENOUGH, IT’S FECKING $15. Bastards.

The main thing I have to remember is, I don’t NEED to see this doctor regularly anymore now that I’m not under the thumb of the company requiring it. I need only specialists, and the specialists I’m seeing (GYN, acupuncture and pain management) do not require this doctor’s approval – I can just go to them.

Regardless, today just sucked. SHE’S the one who requested my history, then said most of it wasn’t relavent. I wasted my time, my printer paper and printer ink on that bitch.

My next appointment with the acupuncturist is tomorrow. We’ll see how that goes.

Back on July 6, 2006, I had eaten buckwheat pancakes and had a hypoglycemic attack, which is also what happens when I eat foods containing wheat. I suspected I was allergic to gluten, not just wheat as an isolated grain.

Since that time, I’ve been terrified of buckwheat, despite numerous sources citing it as gluten free.
I’ve also read over the past year that buckwheat is easily contaminated by glutenous flours and grains. That’s likely what happened to me last year when I used a buckwheat pancake mix – there must have been some glutenous flour contamination going on.

My health counselor gave me a cupfull of buckwheat a few months ago, and told me to soak the grain for hours, then rinse it, before cooking it. It was not in powdered form.

Well I tried that last night – I soaked it overnight, and today I made a breakfast porridge out of it, with a banana and cinnamon. It was tolerable, taste-wise. As I ate it, my stomach grumbled and gurgled a bit, but I did not have a sugar attack, nor did I feel nauseated, nor did I have intestinal panic.

So, lesson learned – I will eat buckwheat, but I will do so with extreme caution.

I returned from acupuncture around 11:30am. From that point through this moment, I feel slightly nauseated and headachey cuz I didn’t eat enough before the appointment. I am eating baked salmon, mashed potatoes and sautéed mushrooms, and drinking rice milk to remedy the situation.

I learned – my appointments from here on out will be in the afternoon.

Also, from the appointments itself, my shoulders feel puffed again – let’s see if I can explain… you jab a needle into a piece of flesh. You electrify it. It will puff a bit. That’s what the doctor does with the acupuncture needles – he hooks a unit to each needle and sends a small electrical current to the needle to stimulate the muscle. Like what I used to have done in physical therapy back in 2001 when I was having repetitive strain in my forearms and wrists.
They used electrodes, this guy uses acupuncture needles. *shrug* same idea.

So I’m stiff from that. The same thing happened on Wednesday. And on Thursday, I felt MUCH better. That’s what I am hoping for, for tomorrow – to feel much better.

Oh, and I asked Dr. Yan today about a face ring or whatever those are called, so I can lay on my stomach on the table without having to turn my head. He said he does have one. I just didn’t see it last time. We decided that for awhile, we’ll do the acupuncture with me sitting in a chair, and then take it from there.

I called my Ma when I got home, and asked her about the cortisone injections she got many years ago. My pain management doctor had recommended cortisone injections as treatment for my bulging disks in my neck, and I’ve been afraid to do it.
Ma has always told me that she’s as deathly allergic to cortisone as she is to penicillin. Since I’m badly allergic to penicillin also, I am afraid I’ll have similar reaction to the cortisone as my Ma did. So I got the story:

She had psoriasis of the scalp, and she kept itching it and it got worse and painful. So she went to a specialist who gave her a “gun type” cortisone injection to the neck. As a result of the cortisone injection, she said she felt drunk and couldn’t talk – her speech was slurred. She said that she lost feeling in her face and mouth, and that if she sat down, she couldn’t get back up again because her legs would go numb. So she couldn’t walk at times, either. She said this lasted two weeks and scared the shit out of her. She saw her primary care doctor, who told her to NEVER get a cortisone injection again, that she didn’t need that just for psoriasis of the scalp. He told her she was allergic to cortisone. This led my mother to believe she almost died from it.
One year, my Ma had a bad case of psoriasis on the arm. She went to the doctor who gave her a cream. The psoriasis worsened, badly. I remember this as a teenager and how mutilated her arm looked. She examined the ingredients in the cream – cortisone. So even topical cortisone is bad for Ma.
Every doctor she’s seen since then has scoffed at her when she says she is allergic to cortisone. They tell her ‘There’s natural cortisone in your body! How can you be allergic to it?’ Typical for doctors to scoff at their patients. I get that about the penicillin whenever doctors try to prescribe cillin-derived alternatives to penicillin if I’m in need of antibiotics. I always have to forcefully tell them NO, I cannot have ANY cillin-derived medicines, either. I projectile-vomit. TRUST me. They scoff. I scoff back and get what I need that is NOT cillin-derived.

Anyway, I digress.

As stated earlier, because of the fact that Ma is allergic to penicillin, and so am I, therefore I am afraid that because she is sensitive to cortisone, that so am I.
So Ma asked me if I have ever used corisone creams. I thought about it and remembered that last year, my allergist gave me a corisone ointment for the atopic dermatitis on my fingers. The dermatitis was caused by eating gluten and yeasty foods. The ointment helped me.
Based on that, Ma says I shouldn’t have a problem with cortisone injections.

My friend Jason G, had cortisone injections to his neck for ruptured disk. He said the first one helped – for two months he was pain free. But the second injection didn’t do jack shit.

My friend Nate says that “High-dose cortisone is the second most common cause of osteoporosis.”

So based on talking to my Ma, my friend Jason and my friend Nate, I did some research.

“The stories regarding the dangers of cortisone come from years ago when it was first introduced and it was used in larger doses (the consequences were not yet recognized).” – John A. Van Houten, M.D.

“…problems came with large doses over time, including a weakening of the immune system.” – Dr. Ephraim P. Engleman.

“…this drug can be mistaken for a miracle cure for their pain. It is true that cortisone injections are effective at reducing pain, but cortisone does not assist in the healing process. In fact, it’s actually been shown to slow it down.” – Laurie Brown LaRusso, MS.

“He also cautions that the cortisone did not fix the problem, it merely eased the pain.” – Laurie Brown LaRusso, MS, quoting Robert Leach, MD, editor of the American Journal of Sports Medicine.

“Cortisone in high doses is the second most common cause of osteoporosis.” – Carol & Richard Eustice, reviewed by Kate Grossman, M.D.

Well!
Dear Dr. Panjabi, my pain management specialist,
I have decided that I will NOT be taking cortisone injections any time soon!
-zept

Today I went to see an acupuncture specialist for the first time ever – for the back pain and Endometriosis. Both my pain management doctor and my Endometriosis surgeon have been encouraging me to see an acupuncturist.

When I got there, I described my neck and shoulder pain to Dr. Yan, and told him how the Endometriosis pain also serves to lock up my lower back once a month. I told him it’s not uncommon for my entire back to go out when I’m having the Endo pain. I told him about my car accident. I told him that my back had just gone out last week and was still not 100%.

He then had me lay on my right side. I told him it hurt to lay on the right side because my shoulders are still messed up. I tried tucking my right arm behind my back instead of in front as I lay on my side, to ease the pain, and BLAMMO, the right shoulder went out – radiating pain down to my right elbow.

The needles were removed and Dr. Yan sat me in a chair, instead. My left shoulder, the original source of pain and suffering last week, was feeling much better. My cervical spine was feeling better. But I couldn’t shake the stabby pain going down my right arm to my elbow.

I started to feel that my body was going a bit sideways, even though I was sitting upright, so the doctor called the session done for today. I knew going into this that I could pass out or that I could become sleepy, so I wasn’t alarmed. I’d walked to the appointment so there was no danger of me on the road after the appointment. It’s only a half a mile from my home.

The thing is, as I walked home, my shoulders and upper back began to feel puffed, like the muscles were swelling. Blah. I got home and was in a lot of pain, with the pain radiating down my arm still.

So I took a muscle relaxer. I even used a heating pad on my shoulders about an hour after I got home. I even laid down for awhile. I’m still in pain.

I’m sad that I threw my back again AT the acupuncturist’s office. I see him again on Friday, and I’ll only sit in the chair next time instead of laying on the table. Too bad he doesn’t have a thing like massage therapists have on their tables – a place for the head to lay through an open ring, so the back and neck are all flat – then I could lay on my stomach. Ah well.

Today is the one-year anniversary of when I started with the company that just fired me for having a health condition. In a way I’m disappointed that I didn’t make it to the one year mark, but then I realise that for them, my one year would not have been recognised until February 19, 2008, when they hired me from the temping agency.

As is usual for me after quitting or being let go from a job, I had a dream about the old job:

I had arrived at work with a clear belief that I had only been fired for one day, and that I could return on Monday. However, when I got to work and was standing in line with my coworkers, waiting to be let into the building, reality dawned – I had misunderstood – I was fired not only for Friday but for evermore from that company. I felt embarrassed, so I did what I always do in such a situation – I acted like I was completely in my right anyway (Virgos don’t like to admit they are wrong). I continued to wait in line. When it came time for me to go in, I realised I didn’t have my security key. I turned to Ben, who was standing behind me, and asked if we could go in at the same time because I’d forgotten my key. He looked hesitant but said ‘sure’ and we went in together.
Once inside, I climbed up the stairs to the loft area and went right to my desk, which was situated in the open loft space, overlooking the first floor below. As I approached my desk, I saw my black purse sitting on my chair. At this point I’d probably be considered a security threat if I sat down at the desk and pretended nothing had happened to me, so I kneeled down beside the chair and began filling up my purse with the personal artifacts I’d left behind when I was fired on Friday. I noticed two black cassette tapes on the desk – I’d loaned them out to coworkers who had given them back once they found out I was fired. I glanced at the cassette tape labels and was embarrassed at what I’d loaned out – it was old stuff, from my high school days, so it was Top40 style music.
My old boss approached, and told me she would cut me my last paycheck on the spot. I was thankful and excited – didn’t she know the company had already cut me my last check? HAH! Like I was going to admit this! I took the check happily and finished cleaning out my desk, which was more like a primary school desk with the enclosed metal shelf underneath it.
That’s all I remember.

Offbeat issues in the dream:

• The guy standing behind me in the dream is, in real life, my friend Ben, not a coworker. I have never worked with him. However, there were two Ben’s at that company, so perhaps my brain was superimposing my friend’s face over one of the Bens I worked with?
• In real life, my desk was not in the open loft area, it was in the corner in a cubicle shared with two other coworkers, next to the office of the director of support.
• The black purse in question is something I used to own in college. I think I gave it away a few years ago. The thing is, in real life, most of my belongings were boxed up and handed to me on Friday on the way out. The only thing they forgot was my cheapo insulated lunch bag, which I don’t care about. That my old purse and more belongings appeared in the dream bodes well I think to the case I’m pleading to the labor board.
• The embarrassment with the cassette tapes with the Top40 music was a throwback to earlier yesterday, when I had my iPod on ‘random play’, and a neighbor came over to discuss Halloween costumes. The iPod had been doing great with some Industrial music, and then suddenly a Stevie Nicks song came on and I got all embarrassed. No reason I should have, I confess my love for Stevie Nicks. ;) But there it was. I got embarrassed. The music style just did not fit with what had been playing. Bad DJ iPod! ;)
• When my boss approached, it was the first boss I had at the company, not the new boss I’d had for a week before being fired. Also, to be clear, neither the new boss nor the old boss fired me – it was HR who fired me because of the recorded absences, and the only way HR found out immediately that I’d been absent is that with the new policy, I had to turn in a doctor’s note upon my return. My new boss was clearly upset and pissed off to be losing me, and she and I agreed that my old boss would be equally upset.

There seems to be a lot of embarrassment showing through in my dream. I am embarrassed to have been fired, yet at the same time, I was fired for the reason I wanted to be fired for. I was harassed about my health condition for months by those assholes, to great emotional expense. And the abject depression, coming home crying – all of that started within my first month on the job because of how badly they treat people in general – monitoring your screen as you work – there’s no trust, no love there.
It’s similar in all call center environments. I will never go back to call centers again. EVER. I promised this last year and became afraid when good work wasn’t showing up. Well this time I’m going to make good on my promise. Just like my man did. He worked in a call center with me back in 2002 and vowed never to go back to that hellish work again. And he made good on his promise, and he’s doing well. He can do it – I can do it.

One thing I did like about the dream – I was cut a second check. This is a good omen for me. I hope things work out the way I want for Round II.

I got fired today.

I dragged my ass into work even though I was STILL having pain and bleeding profusely. I stepped out of my car at work and filled a pad and turned pale on the spot.
I staggered up the stairs to my desk after cleaning up in the bathroom and handing over the latest doctor’s note to HR.

I worked until 11am and was about to go on my scheduled lunch hour, when my new boss came up to me in a hurry, out of breath, and said that she needed to talk to me. I knew right then and there what it was about. She hesitated, and added, “It’s with HR” and looked really upset. I smirked. I said, “I know, I can tell. It’s okay.”

We walked next door and I felt like I was being led to jail. I looked everyone I passed in the eye, which is not characteristic of me. My hands literally felt bound by what was happening; I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone, I had to report straight to HR. I couldn’t even say goodbye to the cow-orkers I like. Although my cubemate knew what was transpiring – he’s the guy with the chronic headaches – and BOY did he look pissed off. All I could do when I got up was give a pained look and mouth the words, “sorry, bye”.

I got into the meeting room where the HR lady was sitting. I was informed that I was being let go. My new boss sat next to me. I was told I’d exceeded my incidents. I asked for clarification. I wasn’t given clarification. So I said it in plain English: “I have been ABSENT from work too many times, that is what you mean by “incident”?”
The HR lady told me “yes”.

I had not even used up all my Paid Time Off days. But their policy, which was revamped in July, states that one must give 48 hours notice for any time off, and one cannot be absent more than three times in a 90-day period, unless one has a doctor’s note. In the case of a doctor’s note, one can be absent more than one day, and it shall count as an INCIDENT of absence, rather than 2 or more absences.
HOWEVER, if one incurs three INCIDENTS within 90 days, one can STILL be fired.

And so it was with me. I had reached my fourth INCIDENT of absence in 90 days. I explained to HR in front of my new boss that I have provided HR with a doctor’s note for every INCIDENT of absence, and that I’ve even provided a note from my surgeon, detailing that I have an INCURABLE STAGE III illness. The HR lady said she must do her job and follow procedure and yadda yadda, and that she can’t change policy just for me.

So here I was, being fired, despite my old manager telling me “I don’t think they’d fire you for this, they know it’s a health condition”, and my new manager telling me on Monday, “I’d think they’d be very careful to avoid firing you for having a health problem”.

Whoops!

So that’s that!
I was two workdays shy of having worked in that place for one year. I was afraid I’d walk out because I couldn’t take the sometimes weekly harrassment from HR. I’m so glad I didn’t have to walk. Those assholes have been stating for MONTHS that they want to fire me for missing work every month, and every month I say “even though I have a documented medical condition?” And they always nod grimly.

Now because of their deed, I have filed for unemployment, and I have an appointment with the labor board.

For my next career path, I will NOT be working in the dotcom field. I tried this last year and panicked and went back to dotcom after I had two REALLY bad experiences (The Internet Archive tried to fire me for having this same health condition but I quit rather than be humiliated, and then I worked for an optometrist in Oakland and got harrassed daily by a chick who detests white people and openly stated this on a regular basis). It’s so odd to me – prior to the Archive, in all my years of employment, I’d NEVER been discriminated against for any reason. Then BAM BAM BAM! The Archive, the optometrist and the dotcom job, all hatin’ on me.
Why you do this to me?

I will now try to look for work again, outside of the dotcom field. S’cuse me first while I take a short break from working at all. Hm, I can still make my trip to Michigan, can’t I? I had scheduled it last year to start .. well… today actually.
I’d have to put it on plastic, though. Hmmm. Probably not a wise idea.

Got up and got ready for work today. Felt like shit. Bleeding like a stuck pig. Moderate cramps on the verge of severe, but I got ready, anyway. I felt nauseated and sugar crashy, even though I’d eaten andouille sausage and two gluten-free waffles for breakfast, and had gluten-free rice milk to drink.

Dragged myself out of the house, set off for work, turned on the traffic report, and that was that. My decision had been made for me.

Body in road closes I-880 near Hayward
By Robert Salonga
STAFF WRITER
Article Launched: 10/11/2007 07:16:57 AM PDT

The California Highway Patrol has closed southbound Interstate 880 beginning near A Street in Hayward after the discovery of a body on the freeway that was initially thought to be a dead animal, authorities said.

The incident was called in to the CHP around 5:55 a.m. It took responding officers several passes to find the body, which was found lying in the second-to-left lane. Reports also indicate that clothing was found in an adjacent lane about 100 yards south.

No explanation was immediately available for how the body may have gotten on to the roadway. No vehicle accidents were reported near where the discovery was made.

An Alameda County coroner has been called to the scene, but it apparently stuck in traffic. The CHP is advising drivers to avoid the area altogether as traffic is being diverted to city streets. Officers also said no estimate was available on how long the closure will last, so motorists who haven’t started their commute should plan alternate routes.

I hadn’t even gotten off the island when I heard the news, so I turned right back around and went home. Good thing, too, because the cramps got worse, anyway. My shoulder is not any better today – it feels so pulled tight that I’m afraid something will snap. When I got home, I took more muscle relaxers and ibuprofen, and called in sick to work again. This is now day three, but get this, had I actually tried to go into work in my miserable state, I’d have been late to work due to the highway being shut down, because I’d be stuck in the backup trying to go further east, up the hill to highway 580, and back down again heading South and West, snaking towards the Dumbarton bridge.

And what happens when Steph is late? Steph gets a “tardy.” And Steph is on her very last tardy because of uncontrollable traffic conditions such as this. What was I supposed to have done? Got up and listened to the news at 5am, expecting the traffic to be that bad, when my shift doesn’t start til 8am?

The workplace will answer ‘yes’.

Well screw that. In any case, I was justified. I’ve been drugged and bedridden all day. I just got up again, and it’s approaching 5pm. And I’m STILL not done taking pain meds. I still have quite the messed up shoulder.

Tomorrow, george will not be killing me. I can live with the damned shoulder out of whack. I’ll go in to work and see, once again, if this time I’m fired for having a health condition. Dontcha just envy me? Dontcha wish YOU had this hanging over yer head every time you had to take a day off work?

This is the second time in six days that I’ve cried and the third time in eleven. I just do not cry this often, normally.
Today’s crying fit started when my clumsy cat, to get my attention, tried to jump into my lap. He of course didn’t quite make the two-foot jump, and had to grab onto my legs to quickly scamper into my lap. In so doing, he clawed the hell out of my legs, puncturing my right leg near my knee. This all happened in a flash. I grabbed him – too late – to try and stop the impending damage. Failing to stop him in time meant he DUG IN because not only was he trying to regain balance, now he was fighting against me grabbing him. I made a loud GRRRRRRRRR! with pain and threw him onto the floor, whereupon he fled the room.

That’s when the sudden tears happened. I hobbled to the bathroom and cleaned out the bleeding gash in my leg. It’s only about 3/4cm long. Dunno how deep. Had to apply a bandage because it wouldn’t stop bleeding.

SO. Let’s recap.

Today I:

• am bleeding like a stuck pig with moderate to severe cramps all day
• threw out my left shoulder merely reaching down to straighten my sock
• have been slashed bloody by my cat

I have been on so much medication today, I’ve slept through half of the day. And the george pain has been steadily poking through the pain since about 4pm today, even with 2 muscle relaxers, 2 Tylenol 3 and an Ibuprofen 600 still all in my system.

I am seriously going to take tomorrow off work if I need it. Screw rationing days anymore. F*** that shit. I only have 2 more Paid Time Off (PTO) days left before they can fire me but you know how I feel about that.

This is what I need:

• I need someone to prepare healthy, high protein meals which are gluten-free, sugar-free, yeast-free, dairy-free and ideally, meat-free. Full time.
• I need someone to clean my house, ESPECIALLY the kitchen/dishes, when I am bedridden.
• I need someone to take me to my doctor appointments once a month or as needed when I’m in too much pain to do so.
• I need someone to help me appraise the value of my belongings, and advise me on what all to sell off so that I have money in the bank to live off of for a time.
• I need massages three times a week for chronic shoulder/neck/back pain.
• I need a regular workout schedule that I am required to adhere to, which is carefully constructed around my shoulder/neck/back problem so I do not further aggravate it. Specifically, I need to have an appointment with someone, or a group, and must be there on time – not just “oh today seems like a good day to work out”.
• I need someone to take my cats because I can no longer care for them responsibly on my own.

My husband-to-be just cannot deliver on any of the above. He has tried in some cases, and has not expressed any desire in others.
For example, my man just told me either last night or this morning that he is boycotting dishes, he just can’t handle it. We do not have a dishwasher, and admittedly, most of the dishes are usually mine, and because of the special diet I have, I have to cook much of my own food. The dishes pile up fast, so we take turns doing them.

But last weekend we both used the kitchen to its fullest to prepare meat and baked goods for a BBQ in the backyard, so there are STILL dishes, pots and pans left over from that. We wash some, then have to cook a meal, so dishes are dirty again immediately. But he reached his limit. I told him I’d do my best to get some dishes done today, and he said ‘okay’, visibly relieved that I said I’d help out.

This in turn made me feel like I’m not doing my job at all in the house. It made me feel angry too, because I’m clearly very ill as of yesterday and now he wants me to do housework because he’s sick of it? WTF.

To me this cries bitterness in the making. How the hell can he sit there and say he’ll take care of me, that he’ll financially support me, and that I can quit my job, if he is already telling me he needs me to help out more, when I’m obviously standing there in front of him on pain medication for george?

So I did most of the dishes today. I just couldn’t finish them all – the pain was too bad in my back and pelvic regions, despite all the medication I was on. I told my man to please not be disappointed and he replied back with “dude! i wasn’t expecting you to do any, with george around!” To which I countered, and reminded him of his lovely little boycott, and of his visible relief when I sadly said I’d try to do some more dishes. He admitted his faux pas and felt sheepish, but still. I’m not holding my breath that this won’t happen again.

The REASON this WILL happen again is the same age-old reason: if I’m not visibly dying with bloody oozy death and dangling mangled limbs, it’s impossible to be believed that I’m actually in a lot of pain and suffering. Even by my significant other. And when you can’t see it to believe it, it’s easy to start feeling like the person before you is perhaps not pulling their own weight.

Then add my latest “has lasted longer than two weeks” depression to the pain issue, and it’s obvious to me that I need home care right now. But again, it’s not obvious to others.

Hence my bullet point list of needs above.

My man is off doing stuff with friends tonight, so I may not see him before I turn in for the night. But he will need to hear what I’ve written here. We need to have a serious discussion as to my mental and physical state, and the needs that I have. I feel myself slipping further and further towards institutionalised care. I may just have to let myself slip and fall publically for others to believe what is really going on inside of me. I don’t want to do that. I’ve fought for so many years. But cap’n, I dunno how much longa I can hold ‘er t’getha.

So I was reading an endometriosis support group forum as I so often do when I have george, and once again, I got miffed at the posts I’m seeing there.

It seems that nobody actually wants to follow sane advice – they all want to bitch and moan about their condition and then go after the latest snake oil treatment or worse, write to Oprah to have her bring awareness to the disease…
They’re also posting about The Petal Study, even though I’m SURE I posted there about this already, informing them of the details. Strangely, I cannot find any of my last posts to this list. I wonder if I’ve been purged. I wonder if my two comments today to the list will be purged. Hmmm.

I vent here about my chronic health condition. I rant about advice handed down from doctors, sure. But I have tried their methods. I’m just tired of trying every new thing. I’ve tried diet modification. I’ve tried going for a walk during cramps. I’ve tried having sex during cramps. I’ve tried chiropractic. I’ve had surgery. I’ve tried hormones. All of these were recommended to me by others. Nothing stops the pain. Now, anything anyone has to suggest to me for the pain just comes off sounding pompous to me. They have NO idea what I’m going through. Only I do. I’m tired of following the advice of others. I know I have no choices, here. I just have to ride it out. I vent here, and I crosspost the george posts to the DailyStrength account, merely as a means of sharing what I go through, so others won’t feel alone should they find me on the web. So I’m sure that’s what the others are doing on the DailyStrength site, too – they just want to know others are out there, like them, going through the same things.

What pisses me off though is when people just blindly start following advice without researching it, first. It’s also SO frustrating that these people can’t be bothered to use a spell checker before sending out their posts. Spell check, people! It’s easy and quick!

My problem is that I got so worked up about this today, that while I was sitting at my computer, I bent over to straighten my sock, and BAM, my left shoulder went out.

Go me! Dumbass!

My back has been locked up since yesterday and I did take a muscle relaxer at bedtime. But today the back was still locked up and it finally went out. All I did was bend forward to adjust my goddamned sock! Now the shoulders are so taut that the pain radiates up my neck on both sides and the back, into the back of my skull.

It’s not the first time my shoulders have gone out in conjunction with having george:

• August 22, 2007
• August 19, 2007
• June 6, 2007
• February 16, 2007

I’ve taken a muscle relaxer but it hasn’t succeeded in putting me down. I need to pop another. Perhaps it’s time for horse tranquilizers?
Oh, and the george pain ramped up right after throwing my back out. How very nice of him.