A different kind of hurt

Last night was the start of catsitting for a friend, but I was still on pain medication and had spent the day bedridden.
I pleaded with my man, who’d had a rough day at work, to take me to my friend’s house to catsit. Not only that though, I needed to pick up my prescription, get dinner because neither of us felt like cooking, and drop off a birthday present for a friend who was in town at the emergency room (more on that in a second).
For the record, I tried out Darvocet for the first time – just rang up my surgeon and asked her for it and she called in a script – that woman rules. :) The Darvocet is much better than the Tylenol3 – it kicks in faster but doesn’t kick me in the kidneys, and I don’t pass out in fitful nightmares.
Our friend at the E.R. – he has a ruptured disk in his neck (cervical spine) and his doctor did some testing on his nerves with lidocane earlier in the day – if the pain went away, he would know that he got the right nerves, and can proceed with cauterising the nerves later. But in the meantime, once the lidocane
wore off, if the pain was immense, my friend was told to go to E.R. – which he did. Our E.R. is much less crowded and more pleasant to deal with, so he went there. So we dropped off his birthday present, which cheered him up. :)

So anyway, my man, being the superhero that he is, did all the necessary driving last night.

Today I felt like utter hell when I woke up, yet I dragged myself out of bed because I had to go care for my friend’s cats like I promised I would.
I did accomplish that and the pain subsided, thankfully. Afterwards, I came home, showered, and picked up my friend and her fiancé from the train station. We walked around the island – he’d never been here before. Took him to Tucker’s Ice Cream, where he fell in love as we knew he would – their ice cream is the best!
And we took him to the naval base, where he went ga-ga over the battleships.
We toured the haunted U.S.S. Hornet and had a grand ol’ time.

However, while touring the Hornet, the pain started for me again. I felt it in my legs, first. It became more painful to lift my legs to step over the doorways of the ship. My legs felt heavy and stiff. Then the pain started in the pelvic region. My lower back began to ache. I felt myself bleeding. I told my friend and we called it a day.

I drove us back to my house, and we walked up to the local tea house. When we walked in, a friend of mine who works there greeted us, eyeballed me, and said, “You don’t look like you have girl do0m…”

Emotionally, my jaw dropped. I realised she must have heard about me having been ill via email – I hadn’t checked email but my man had called earlier, asking if I was up for “pissup night” that night. I had told him I wasn’t sure, that I wasn’t feeling well again, and likely he posted this to our email list of “pissup night” friends.

My smile faded when my friend said “You don’t look like you have girl do0m…”, and I told her “Yeah well I’m actually on Darvocet right now”, and explained that I’d been bedridden for the past two days and needed to get out of the house today, and did well for much of the day. She said “Ah…” and continued her work.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not MAD at my friend. I’m not upset at HER. I realised immediately that she just has no way of knowing what I go through. I’m deeply hurt by the fact that I don’t know how to respond to her comments, that I have no tangible PROOF that I’d been bedridden, that I was hurting, that I’d had a partial good day, and that doesn’t in any way mitigate or invalidate the fact that I was in pain previously, and that I had been bedridden only a day earlier.

But all I’m left with is feeling insulted, feeling invalidated, feeling unbelieved, because I don’t have a bloody dangling or severed appendage for all the world to see and believe that I am or have been or will be in pain.

It’s not fair. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself, I just want to be taken at face value. And in a world where ‘seeing is believing’, I’m just not likely to be taken at face value. I continue to fight the fight to PROVE continuously when I am in pain and need help. It’s not fair.

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