Ok I lied.

Yesterday I said, “I still plan my life, even though the Endometriosis has a good chance of rendering me bedridden. I didn’t put my life on hold for it when my friend was getting married. I didn’t put my life on hold for it when job hunting and scheduling an interview.”

Well, last night I couldn’t fall asleep. It was after midnight and I needed to be in bed because I had a job interview today. I tossed and turned all night. I got up when my alarm went off, and started my day.

A friend who’d read my journal told me to really talk to my doctor about fibroids, she wants me to get an ultrasound to make sure I don’t have that. So I considered that very good advice, and I called my GYN to make an appointment.
She’s not in today – what can they do for me, I’m asked. So I told my story about how I collapsed on Tuesday cuz the pain was so bad. The office basically panicked and they said I should have called 911 if I was alone, it’s REALLY important, there’s PROBABLY something ELSE going on. I was put on hold and when the lady came back to the phone she repeated herself and sounded very scolding at me, and said my surgeon will be disappointed that I jeopardised my life that way. She said I should have called for an ambulance.
Well, my rationale at the time was that the hospital is only 3 blocks away and it would cost me $50 or more which I don’t have right now and don’t want to burden my man with cuz he’s already paying rent and groceries. I can’t rationalise this now of course. I wasn’t thinking correctly at the time because of the pain. I just wanted to die, that’s all I knew. I wanted it over with. So I told the GYN office that at the time, I’d already ingested the two Darvocet – the only thing ER would have been able to do for me is inject something to act quicker on the pain. They reiterated that there could be something ELSE, something WORSE going on with me than just Stage III Endometriosis.

So after I got off the phone with the GYN office, the anxiety swelled to panic proportions. And shortly after that, the nurse assistant called me back and berated me some more!!!! She told me to go to urgent care NOW, as though I was still in massive pain. I tried explaining I’ve not been in pain since Tuesday. She said something else might be wrong and I should have gone, blah blah.

Nice how they handled that. Now I was a panicked mess, and I had a job interview in a few hours, and I was sitting there crying.


What is WRONG – it’s just the doctor’s office and they don’t understand. And today is just a job interview. I go on them all the time.

And then I pinpointed it. I’d become AFRAID to leave the house in case the pain came back again today. And part of it was fear instilled from the doctor’s office berating me.

NICE of them.

(Note to my friend: don’t feel bad about referring me and then this happening. It’s nothing to do with you – you’ve been very kind to try to help me find out what else could be wrong).

After I calmed down a bit, I followed my man’s advice and called the job. They were very nice about rescheduling me for next week. So now I had the day free to just Wait For It – and see if the pain would return.

I’ve found it very hard to concentrate all day. I’ve not gotten any work done because I’ve been an anxiety case all day. I’ve been drinking chamomile tea and I took a niacin pill, and I started cleaning up the house a bit.
It’s already 3:30pm and I am not sure if there’s a business meeting tonight. It’s on my calendar but meetup.com says the appt was deleted. So I emailed the people running the show. And I Wait.

Today is all about waiting and anxiety.

…I just looked up my forecast for today in my own astrology software. Today is Mercury Square Mercury, which creates a lot of frenzy and nervous energy. There I have it.
My ruling planet is Mercury so there’s no getting out of it. Ride it, lady. Rescheduling the appointment was a good move on my part. Don’t want to appear scattered and nervous and about to crack on an interview.

…Ah good. I’ll be Venus sextile Moon for my rescheduled interview date. That’s much better. Relations with women (Venus) will require little resistance and effort (sextile) on my part because the day will flow smoothly and emotions will be balanced (Moon) [note: The interview is with a woman].

*big sigh of relief*

It’s all going to be okay.

Today, my job is to take the day as it comes, and not stress myself out, and just let myself finish bleeding and take whatever comes along with it, and not to fear, because if unbearable pain happens again, just call 911. It’s simple. No need to panic.

slow, deep breath in….

and out__________________.

Repeat til calm.

One Response to “Ok I lied.”

  1. patricia

    Oh god women I would have totally freaked at passing out especially if there was a increase in flow. Yeah hemoragging to death would be my thought too. Now that you have time off from icky job stuff use it to find out what is going on. There has to be soemthing else going on with you. Passing out not acceptable. And be sure to berate the docs back. There needs to be a disclaimer or something on your chart that you suffer from panic attacks so they do not do shit like that.

    Sorry they were poopy heads to you. *hugs*