TMI and work and spiritual stuff

Haven’t heard back from the doctor’s office on the blood tests for liver, thyroid and other stuff yet.

Went to the immunologist and he needs time to research all that I told him re: endometriosis/pancreatitis/allergies all being linked under the endocrine/immune system trouble I have. He, like me, wants to link everything under one umbrella but says it’s likely not so clear-cut in my case.
He’s going to order blood tests and unfortunately for me this means I have to subject myself to the foods that cause my immune reaction – namely the wheat/gluten/yeast/corn syrup/milk/eggs stuff I’ve been avoiding.
Then the big one I’ve REALLY been avoiding – he wants me to get that colonoscopy I ran away from in 2006 when the other allergist in his office told me to get that done. I chose to just abstain from the offending foods, instead.

But now, since my health is not improving, it’s time to get the dreaded colonoscopy. The reintroduction of the allergens and the prep for the test are the worst parts of the test – not the scope itself. They drug you silly for that. But I’m afraid of ALL the aspects.

On the employment front, this week I had two companies asking for status from me on whether I’d join them or not. The first company is a child care agency. They want me to spend $125 on fingerprinting myself and sending the data to the department of social services. They say they DON’T do that FOR me cuz they’re an AGENCY.
After much venting to my man about all this, he says I should still go for this job, and he’ll help with the financial aspect in getting started.
The second job is an office job. Need I say more? I talked at length with my man and decided finally after two months of hemming and hawing that I do not want to take that job. So I called the guy up. He sounded disappointed, if not outright mad. Too much weirdness personality-wise goes on between him and the rest of the office. It’s severely insecure, I dunno what else to call it. I don’t feel comfortable offering more detail than that. I’m better off without that job.

Wednesday is my man’s birthday – no idea what we’ll do, yet.

Continuing for a moment in the realm of diet, I have NOT been adhering well to my restrictions. Today I had chocolate and rum. Last night and today I had some shrimp. Every day I have a couple of tablespoons of cow’s milk mixed into the yoghurt mixture I make.
Today I was more stressed out than usual these days, because of the two companies wanting to hire me. I don’t WANT to go back to the working world, but I *have* to. My man doesn’t want to support me full time financially anymore while I get the astrology business off the ground. He wants us to have money to get married this year. So I go back to work soon.
In my stress over all that, I ate chocolate and began drinking the rum.

I was listening to streaming online music when suddenly the music stopped and tried to rebuffer. It had done this a couple of times and found its way back to the stream. But then iTunes did something I’ve never experienced before – it LEFT the stream completely and instead of stopping, it began playing music from my general music library. I’ve never had this happen before. The song that came on was Gravity by A Perfect Circle.

Gravity – A Perfect Circle

Lost again
Broken and weary
Unable to find my way
Tail in hand
Dizzy and clearly unable to
Just let this go

I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live

I fell again
Like a baby unable to stand on my own
Tail in hand
Dizzy and clearly unable to just let this go
I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live, I choose to live, I choose to live

Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
Help me survive the bottom

Calm these hands before they
Snare another pill and
Drive another nail down another
needy hole please release me

I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live, I choose to live

I got up from my chair and declared NO, I CAN’T do this, and poured another drink. But after that, I forced myself to chug water and come back to full sobriety and just DEAL with all that was on my plate. I’m not good at dealing with stuff. I love to medicate to mute things that make me nervous or anxious or afraid. But I also believe in synchronicity. And the song stuck with me and had special meaning for me.

Tonight is the New Moon – the moon of new beginnings. So I danced. I had Club Steph with the darkened house and the blue string lights. I held ritual and created energy as it were, with incense aiding me into the dance. I danced until I sweat, until my knees ached (Moon in Capricorn – Capricorn rules the knees), and danced some more. The music was what I call ‘swirly’, and not the kind I usually dance to. Usually I need Industrial music. But tonight I needed swirly. Stuff like Dead Can Dance, Tristesse De La Lune, Ivoux, Juno Reactor, and actually, ‘Colours’ by Sisters of Mercy.

Oh, and during my dancing, I got a flood of emotion in my chest and belly, and an image of my Aunt B. So I need to call her and check on her and my uncle tomorrow. He’s the uncle with Stage IV stomach cancer.

Today I hit another milestone in my astrology business. The last milestone was on the 4th when I figured out an industry secret. ;)
And today I also got permission from an independent bookstore to link to them from my business site! I spent at least eight, maybe nine hours at work today porting over changes that a web designer friend gave me. It’s not live yet – I still have nine more areas of the site to change. This would all be so much easier if I knew CSS or had money to pay a webmaster.
Soon. These things will come soon enough.
Today I am proud of my accomplishments in the realm of self employment.

And now I must sleep. I will try not to worry too much for my uncle.

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