I Will Not Suffer In Silence

It’s true. I only had a two-day period.

I got my period late last Wednesday (11pm), and only spotting. I then had one day of heavy bleeding and major cramping (Thursday). I then had another day of moderate to major cramping but the bleeding wasn’t as heavy – it was more moderate (Friday). And then, nothing after that – it was gone.

My new GYN called me yesterday to apologise for not getting the new prescription out to me in time for this period, and was shocked when I told her I was a week late and then only bled for two days. She asked if I was pregnant. I told her that when I was a week late, I took a home pregnancy test, and it turned up negative. The next day, I started bleeding.

This didn’t assuage her concern, though. She still thinks I could be pregnant. This in turn has led me to start panicking again. So I told my fiance and now he’s panicked. I am going to pick up another home pregnancy test tonight. Ugh.

Why is it that I, the one who doesn’t want to have children, am fertile as the spring soil despite having Stage III Endometriosis, when so many other women out there, even with Stage I or II Endometriosis, are having major fertility issues? Why me? I don’t want children. They do. This is so not fair to either side.

Despite the fear and frustration, I’m feeling very good – my energy is back. I have no pain.

2:27pm Edit: Well, pee test #2 has turned up negative for sperm infection. I can has relaxed mind now plz?

The pain and bleeding went away overnight. I took a nice hot shower this morning and afterwards, the bleeding returned, but only mildly so. The cramps wanted to come back but were also mild. I popped an Ibuprofen600 immediately.

For the rest of today, no cramps, no bleeding. I have had intermittent moderate low back pain, and moderate fatigue for much of the day, however.

So far this cycle, I got my period late on Wednesday (11pm), and only spotting. I then had one day of heavy bleeding and major cramping (Thursday). I then had another day of moderate to major cramping but the bleeding wasn’t as heavy – it was more moderate (Friday). And then, nothing today.

A two-day period? No, I can’t believe that one. I think tomorrow will be what my fiance likes to call the “last gasp” before the period is over for another month. My period is fond of doing this – going away for up to a full day, then returning for full on murder for a day, and then going away for another month.

I took advantage of the break in my period and spent the afternoon out of the house with my man. We looked at two potential wedding venues and a potential rehearsal dinner venue. We also went back to a jewelry store we’d liked a couple weeks ago – I think this is the place we’re gonna get our rings! :D

We capped off the evening by firing the rehearsal dinner venue (Olive Garden is not gluten-free friendly enough for me) and instead we went across the street to another restaurant, called Market Broiler. Now that restaurant is on our list of potential rehearsal dinner spots. ;)

We shall see what tomorrow brings for me, or if I’m free for another month.

Both of the GYNs called me back today to discuss my options.

My body can’t handle opiates – it either causes abject depression, sets off my TMJ (from the car accident, which I normally have under control), causes palpitations or mild hallucinations, or all of the above. I’ve tried Darvon and Vicodin and Codeine Sulfate and Oxycodone. They all hate me.

My body can’t handle acetaminophen because it’s damaged my liver and I’m not supposed to have that stuff anymore until my next blood test in April.

NSAIDs are not enough to stop the pain.

Celebrex didn’t work for me.

Muscle relaxers don’t work for me and cause me to gain weight along with causing depression.

The GYN who did my surgery said I could try Norco, but that has acetaminophen in it, too. She said I could try Celebrex but that didn’t work. So she’s not hearing my needs. She hasn’t for awhile – that’s why I went and found a new GYN.

The new GYN offered a suggestion – a mild opiate, only 1mg Vicodin and no acetaminophen. I already forgot the name of it. Problem is, she can’t call it in to the pharmacy because it’s a controlled substance. And my man couldn’t get out of work in time to get to the GYN office to pick up the prescription. It’s not all bad though. I’ll have it before my next period and give that a try.

I’m just so tired of fighting. This cycle can be over now, plz.

I really hate DVDs that autoplay previews and won’t let you fast-forward to the main menu. I couldn’t get out of the preview in time and as a result watched something against my permission that trigged a flashback of the car accident I was in back in 1994.

There was a scene where two people were in a car talking and next frame shows the grill of a bigger car and then you hear the BAM!

This in turn sent a searing shock through my heart and stomach and injured my mind. I cried out THAT WASN’T NICE and began crying.

That’s how it went for my car accident that almost killed me.

There are three things in my life that I wonder if I’ll ever get over emotionally:

1. Being impregnated against my will and having a shotgun held to my head for making a decision for my own body and mind in 1990
2. Having an incurable illness which my body won’t even allow to be treated with conventional medication or surgery
3. The car accident which nearly killed me in 1994

The first time I ever had a panic attack after the accident, a few months had gone by and I was still healing. I was in a car one day either by myself or with the same bf that got us into the car accident months earlier, and on the road up ahead, an ambulance roared by, sirens blaring.
I’d seen ambulances on the road since my accident, but this one set off a panic attack and I started crying and hyperventilating.
I asked my bf what kind of ambulance took me to the hospital on the day of the accident.
He said it was Garden City Fire Department.

That explained it then – the ambulance that caused my freakout was red – a fire department ambulance.

And to this day, if I see a fire department ambulance roaring down the road, my heart races.

A few months ago, my man was driving us to our friend’s house and up on the road ahead was a big dumpster.

Jokingly, he sped up and swerved his car towards it. That set off another flashback of the accident. I hadn’t expected that – the only flashbacks I’d had of the accident were from ambulances up to that point. I was very shaken, and pissed off at my man. How could he have known I’d get all PTSD? But he won’t ever do that again.

Now, I sit here trying to breathe. I will take a shower in a minute… got another journal post to make.

Well I waited until 2pm and finally took the codeine on February 20th. I believe I had a total of two codeine pills over a 6 hour period that day, and I was bedridden the whole time.

Yesterday I didn’t make it out of bed except to prepare small meals, which I took back to bed with me and ate. I took one codeine pill yesterday early afternoon.

When my man got home from work, I got out of bed and prepared a nice hot meal for myself while hanging out with him in the kitchen while he did dishes. I baked some salmon and made instant potatoes and boiled up some frozen corn.

By the time my meal was ready, I was nearly too wiped out to eat it! I shuffled to the couch and we watched TV together as we ate dinner. Our latest craze is catching up on Season 1 of Heroes on DVD. My sister recommended this series, and now we can’t stop watching it! Laughing

Alas, after I ate dinner, I didn’t feel so well. I’d gotten up to use the bathroom and felt very shaky in the legs, and slightly nauseous. When the shaky legs start for me, it means I’m going to have VERY bad cramps Real Soon Now.

Not wanting to chance that pain, I went straight for the codeine. I only took one pill, and it was my second pill in about 7 hours time frame.

The codeine helped – the bleeding ramped up badly but I stayed calm and didn’t feel much pain.

And I think it was the second or third time I went to use the bathroom after taking the codeine, that’s when things turned bad. I guess I was so stoned on the codeine that I was surprised – caught off guard – to discover the gorefest when I wiped, and discovered too that I’d bled through my PJ bottoms. This set off a racing heart and thusly a panic attack. I laid on my back on the couch, on top of my heating pad, and tried to breathe. I opened my hips up instead of bunching up on myself (think lotus position, but laying down). But it was no use. Now I could feel the sharp pains through the drug haze, and my heart was beating fast.

I had my man do a stopwatch while I counted. My pulse was 83bpm and for me that’s high. I contemplated going to the hospital, but then burst into tears and had a breakdown over how nothing helps, and how I’ve tried 875243436523453 pills and nothing works, and how even surgery didn’t help. My man held me and petted my head and kissed my forehead and let me sob.

Hah, that did the trick insofar as the palpitations! After my breakdown, I let out a big ol sigh and said, “I think I feel better now”.

We took my pulse again and sure enough, it was down to 69bpm.

I had one more palpitation episode last night around midnight, and the pain got really bad again, and that’s when I took another Motrin instead of codeine. I’ve not had another codeine since then.

This morning, I called my GYN to report what happened on the codeine. Unfortunately, she’s not in today. So I left a message and called my other GYN – the one who’d performed the laparoscopy last year. Had to leave a msg there too.

For the past two days, I’m sleeping for most of the day due to extreme fatigue from george (pain meds of course exacerbate the fatigue).

To make my already sucktastic day worse, the meal I so looked forward to tonight ended up causing me much discomfort after I had consumed it.

The meal was Cup ‘o Pizza, based upon the meal by the same name featured in the comedy The Jerk. It’s awesome! For those of us who love love love pizza but can’t have it because of gluten intolerance, this is The Way!

Or so I thought.

Within an hour of eating, my chest and stomach felt like it was expanding so rapidly that I might explode. The internal gas was too slow to come out. It gurgled and raged inside of me, and at times I didn’t know if I’d burst, throw up, or just die on the spot. Laying on my left side only made it worse, when the left side (the side of your body the stomach leans towards) is supposed to be *good* for digestion.

And then the explosive diarrhea.

I emerged from the bathroom and demanded to know what my man had put into the pizza ingredients, because we’d just tried this out for the first time a week ago and I was fine afterwards.

He said he’d added nothing. And then I flashed back to a recent excursion to the grocery, whereby I was pissed off to find that Polish sausage contained yeasts and/or corn syrup. WTF.
So with that flashback in mind, I thought, “Oh no, the pepperoni.”

I shuffled to the fridge, found the pepperoni, and read the ingredients.

IT HAS STARTER CULTURE IN IT, which is a yeast.

THAT’S why my stomach and GI tract have been expanding and grumbling and freaking out.

The reason why my body freaked this time and not last is because my man added double the amount of pepperoni we did last time.

Niiiiice. And I never knew this about sausages before. In fact, I can’t find anything on the web that says sausages and pepperonis are made or have to be made with yeasts. And we got the pre-sliced pepperoni at Trader Joe’s, which I mistakenly assumed would mean the meat would be I dunno… better quality. So of course, I didn’t check the label.

*sigh*

So now I’ve learned yet another lesson.

Want Cup ‘o Pizza? See the local butcher first, ask about how the pepperoni is made, and take it from there. Omit permanently if necessary from recipe.

Ugh.

I’ve been bedridden all day from george. I have been curious to look more into the swarm of earthquakes that’s been making the news. I’d started to study it actually but by 11AM I was down for the count.

Just thought I’d also post this separately. George showed up sometime around 11pm tonight (Tuesday night).

That bastard is A FULL WEEK LATE.

…I just calculated the months out to the wedding. At this rate he’ll arrive a week before the wedding instead of two weeks beforehand, and he’ll vacate within three days of the wedding.

I can NOT afford for my period to be late anymore between now and October or else the wedding is ruined because I’ll be bedridden or else I’ll be a repeat of Samantha’s sister in Sixteen Candles.

GO ME.

I’m so pissed I could scream and cry. My period is like a bullying brother who never stops making your life hell for his pure enjoyment. Just when you think you’ve gotten past him, BAM he sneaks up and whitewashes your face in the snow.

I hate you, george.

I’ve been doing very well at remembering stuff lately, but in the last few days, I’ve gotten into a perpetual state of anxiety because george is late, and so I started forgetting stuff again.

So, this is good news in a way! Most people, when under stress, will forget stuff.

I am blaming all the flax oil I’ve been adding to my diet for the memory improvement, as that seems to be one of the big raves about the flax oil when I read reviews.

Whatever the cause, it’s very apparent that I can remember a lot more stuff than my man these days, and I’ve come to realise that sadly, since he had so hard a go with severe obstructive sleep apnea, his memory is badly shot as well.
I’ve been pushing the flax oil on him but he’s not submitted to it, yet.

Yesterday I forgot I owed money on a book I had to re-order for my man, and nearly walked out of the bookstore with it once it was handed to me. I was quite apologetic.

On Sunday I forgot that I had an appointment to meet with a trainer at a local gym, and called to apologise and reschedule.

This morning I forgot that just last night I told my friend I’d check in with her this morning about hanging out. I called as she was on her way to work – we’ll hook up sometime this week.

I’ve also been a space case today in general, and still very tired. I panicked further when george still wasn’t here this morning, and took a pregnancy test. It came back negative. Can george just please arrive already and get it over with??!? He’s FIVE days late!!!
I’m tired of the fatigue and the mild to moderate cramping. I’m tired of the constant lower back pain. I’m tired of the shoulders and neck wanting to go out because my lower back is seizing up in preparation for george. I’m tired of premedicating. I’m tired of the PMS overtalkative me. I’m tired of all the chocolate binging because my forehead is now breaking out. I’m tired of feeling like something is WRONG because george isn’t here on time.

And I really need a nap, but I really need to get work done. I had coffee and it only made me super awake for about an hour. Now I’m ready to crash again. Do I take more caffeine? Or just take a friggin nap? Will I be able to sleep with all this anxiety?

Can someone please just send me some chill pills?

AIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!