I Will Not Suffer In Silence

Haven’t worked again today.

The depression really slammed me yesterday. Just suddenly I was FECKING DEPRESSED.

Is it the codeine pill I took Tuesday night? Is it just PMS? Is it due to the forbidden foods I’ve been reintroducing in order to get the stupid blood test for my allergist? Is it because I’m panicked again over my ability as a professional astrologer? Is it all of the above?

I also started getting george pain pretty strongly at 12:02pm yesterday but he never did show up. The depression worsened throughout the day as the pain stayed constant yet just enough to be annoying. On a whim, I bought tickets to see Siouxsie live at the Fillmore, even though I don’t have the money for such things. This of course made the depression worse.
At the last minute, I got off my ass, threw on a dress, did my hair and makeup, and went out the door.
On the way across the Bay Bridge, I had to fight the very strong urge to pull over, get out of my car and dive off the bridge. My brain was SO broken that when I argued against such plans, my brain came back soothingly with, “Oh it won’t hurt, do you ever hear of people killing themselves by jumping off this bridge? NO. It’s always the Golden Gate bridge. You’ll be fine. You can just go for a swim. It’ll be nice.”

Of course I didn’t listen, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this. :p

But the urge was compelling. Very strong. WTF.

I didn’t get to San Francisco in time to meet my friends for dinner, so I went without. No big deal, I’ve not been hungry lately, anyway – just craving chocolate and sugar mainly. My friends met me outside of the parking structure and we walked to the Fillmore. When we got there, Rasputina was playing. I’d never seen them before. I had instant cello lust. I played cello in 4th and 5th grade. The only reason I stopped was because we had to move to a new school for 6th grade, and they didn’t have a strings department, only a band department. Thus ended my career as a cellist – my mother was too poor to *buy* me a cello of my own, let alone pay for lessons.

Siouxsie was great. I enjoyed seeing her and yowza, does she still got it. Catcalls galore, all night, from every inch of the gender spectrum, for our beloved Auntie Siouxsie.

When the show got out, my friends and I parted ways. I was in such pain from standing and craning my neck and dancing that I needed to take an Ibuprofen600 on the way home. I felt better emotionally and physically when I got home.
Woke up this morning from the dream I posted about in the last entry and well, spent the rest of the day today in a depressed funk all over again.

I will say though that I did spend a lot of time outside today. I sat in the backyard and took pictures. I even took my cat out there on her harness but all she did was meow and howl because she was afraid. Her tail was all bushed out, too.
My friend came over later and we talked out in the backyard in the sun.

Here’s some pix I took of the backyard today:

“The sun is up, the sky is blue, it’s beautiful, and so are you…”

After my friend took off for work, I went and retrieved my car – it was parked a couple of blocks away – and I went and got a mini pizza to further test the reintroduction of foods. I SWEAR TO {INSERT DEITY HERE} I DIDN’T EXPERIENCE ANY DOOM.

I’m absolutely fecking baffled by this. I swear, I have been severely ill in the past from eating pizza dough or a dinner roll or anything with wheat and yeast in it, especially the yeast. So I have no idea what the deal is. I’ve probably been consuming yeast in some form or another and got my gut reacclimated to it, I guess. Would sugars do that alone? I wonder.

This would explain the weight gain over the past 2 years. Time to cut everything out again – this time for the purpose of weight management!

…

And now I feel better that I’ve emptied my head. My man is on his way home from work, so that helps, too. Tomorrow is a new day. I will do what I can tomorrow, knowing that this is downtime, be it emotional (depression, stress, anxiety, PMS, etc) or physical (the endometriosis), it does not matter. I’m in downtime. And I need to take care of myself. And the work will have to wait, and I will just have to TRUST myself that everything will happen as it should, in its time.

*sigh*

It’s just convincing my man that this is all good. That’s going to be the problem as we approach May of this year, when the state financial assistance runs out.

*sigh again*

But right now…. RIGHT NOW… I take care of myself in my downtime.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 14th, 2008 at 7:04 pm and is filed under Depression, Endometriosis, Pain Management, Self-employment, Unemployment. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.