Flashbacks, triggers, unsafe, fear

I really hate DVDs that autoplay previews and won’t let you fast-forward to the main menu. I couldn’t get out of the preview in time and as a result watched something against my permission that trigged a flashback of the car accident I was in back in 1994.

There was a scene where two people were in a car talking and next frame shows the grill of a bigger car and then you hear the BAM!

This in turn sent a searing shock through my heart and stomach and injured my mind. I cried out THAT WASN’T NICE and began crying.

That’s how it went for my car accident that almost killed me.

There are three things in my life that I wonder if I’ll ever get over emotionally:

  1. Being impregnated against my will and having a shotgun held to my head for making a decision for my own body and mind in 1990
  2. Having an incurable illness which my body won’t even allow to be treated with conventional medication or surgery
  3. The car accident which nearly killed me in 1994

The first time I ever had a panic attack after the accident, a few months had gone by and I was still healing. I was in a car one day either by myself or with the same bf that got us into the car accident months earlier, and on the road up ahead, an ambulance roared by, sirens blaring.
I’d seen ambulances on the road since my accident, but this one set off a panic attack and I started crying and hyperventilating.
I asked my bf what kind of ambulance took me to the hospital on the day of the accident.
He said it was Garden City Fire Department.

That explained it then – the ambulance that caused my freakout was red – a fire department ambulance.

And to this day, if I see a fire department ambulance roaring down the road, my heart races.

A few months ago, my man was driving us to our friend’s house and up on the road ahead was a big dumpster.

Jokingly, he sped up and swerved his car towards it. That set off another flashback of the accident. I hadn’t expected that – the only flashbacks I’d had of the accident were from ambulances up to that point. I was very shaken, and pissed off at my man. How could he have known I’d get all PTSD? But he won’t ever do that again.

Now, I sit here trying to breathe. I will take a shower in a minute… got another journal post to make.

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