The depression continues

Woke up this morning and the first thought that hit my head was:

*looks around bedroom*

*sigh*

“I think I’m ready to go back to work, now.”

All day today, I’ve felt like I’m on the vacation that’s gone on for far too long.

Despite the fact that up until Friday, I’ve not felt like I’ve been on vacation. As a matter of fact, I’ve been working very hard the past four months to get my astrology site to a state where it looks desireable for customers to want to buy a chart and bring their friends and family in.

But I brought this “vacation” mindset upon myself last week when I was cleaning the house and preparing myself for a long weekend with george.

George didn’t show up and I’ve gotten tired of waiting around for him to show up.

The problem with my thoughts this morning of being ready to go back to work is that I didn’t mean, back to work on the astrology business.

I meant, back to work in the traditional sense – working FOR someone FOR a steady paycheck.

However strong my urge was to look for work today, I realise that we’re still in a Mercury retrograde, and for me, that’s bad news when looking for, obtaining or having trouble on a job.

Mercury retrograde doesn’t stop until tomorrow, but Mercury doesn’t end up going forward in the sky until March 10th. Hell if I’m gonna get a traditional job willfully before that date.
Moving forward. That’s what I’d like to do in life.

I just gotta stay patient and remember that george hasn’t hit yet, and I’m still depressed, and to just take it easy on myself. I’m still in downtime. It’s a bad one with a week of emotional hell leading up to george. But I can get through this.

P.S. I’m freezing.

Now I’m running hot

After all winter of freezing, and after a week of intense freezing, I woke up in a sweat this morning and had to fling the blankets off of me.

All morning I did chores just like I normally would and I’ve been warm the entire time instead of miserably cold. I haven’t turned up the thermostat at all today. In fact, I opened up all the windows in the house!!!

I just sat down at my desk when the furnace came on. I went to turn down the thermostat and was surprised to see the thermostat at 65°F. That’s the temp I keep the house at, even though it’s usually still too cold for me. I normally thrive in a 74°F home or office.
So here it is, 65°F in the house, and 53°F outside, and I have all the windows open, and I’m running on the warm side. I even have my sleeves rolled up.

So I took my temperature. It’s 97.2°F, which is normalish, perhaps a bit below normal for me. I’d have expected my temp to be above 98 with how warm I am today.
The weather outside has been the same – in the 50’s. And yet I’m warm like normal people today.

This all bodes well for the arrival of george. I still have mild low uterine cramping (steady for the past three or four days now). I still have lower back ache – also normal pre-george and during george.

The fact that I’m running a low temp means something for my immune system. Something’s been triggered. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been tested for thyroid issues and every time, it comes back negative.

I googled “low temperature and thyroid” and found a site talking about “fatigued adrenal system”. I then googled “adrenal function” and found two websites mentioning the regulation of your body’s cortisol hormone to fix out of whack adrenal glands.

“No bigger than a walnut and weighing less than a grape, each of your two adrenal function glands sits like a tiny pyramid on top of a kidney (“ad” “renal” means “over” the “kidneys”). But don’t let their size fool you; these powerful little endocrine glands manufacture and secrete steroid hormones such as cortisol, estrogen and testosterone that are essential to your health and vitality. They not only significantly affect the functioning of every tissue, organ and gland in your body, they also have important effects on the way you think and feel. Without the hormones the adrenals produce you would die.”adrenalfatigue.org

A list of things that cause adrenal stress or fatigue can be found at what looks to be an otherwise sketch site (read: affiliate resale crap) – the site is run by Dr. Joseph Mercola.

Dr. Mercola’s site talks about adequate cortisol stimulating glycogen in the liver. Well that’s the problem I was already told I have – liver damage – so it’s likely that the Budwig diet needs to be followed more closely. I’ve not been very good with it lately in light of having to reintroduce the bad foods for the allergy test.

Ok, so back to work with me on body regulation! Hopefully I can eventually get to a higher overall body temp as well, so I’m not freezing all the time.

For now though, I’m enjoying being warm while in a rested state for the first time in what seems like eons.

2:54pm Edit: Great. I’m back to freezing again.

Freezing my arse off, george is late

So, george was due on Thursday.

It is now Sunday night.

I’m freaking out.

My man assures me he feels confident that no accidents have happened the last couple of times we were intimate.

I counted the calendar… had I been on time last month, then this month george would not be due til tomorrow. But of course, I’m worrying. It’s what I do best.

And this freezing thing, I’m fed up with always being so frickin cold! I have on a hat, a sweatshirt over a tee shirt, a pair of sweatpants, a pair of socks and TWO slippers on each foot (one pair fits comfortably inside of my godzilla slippers)… and I’m shivering, nipple poking cold.
The house thermostat is set to 70°F while outside today it was 52°F with bright sunshine all day. But still I froze my ass off.

I took a nap today and woke up shivering DESPITE having FOUR blankets on me.

I’ve had blood tests for thyroid balance done over the years and the tests always come back normal.

I remember last winter was cold in this house, but this winter is fracking freezing. Every day since what, December? I’ve been shuddering cold. Not just chilly – actually goosebumps all over my body, wearing a bathrobe over my sweatshirts and sweatpants or other clothes during the day, dressing for the arctic just to go to bed, wearing a hat to bed, FECKING COLD.

BAH.

In other news, I’m finally making awesome headway on the endometriosis resource center type wesbsite. I spent all day yesterday and today on it. I’m so excited! I have a few more things to do before I release my baby into the wild officially.

I’m still depressed and have not been able to work on the astrology site in earnest since February 11th. That’s about a week of downtime, now.
Great.

:(

Getting back to george for a second – I’ve had mild to moderate george pains for the last few days, even though he’s not here.

Yesterday, the pain came in waves. I’d want to cry – the pain was so dull and low in the uterus (near the bladder is where the endo still remains), and it’s just so, I dunno… it’s painful is all I can say. Then it went away for awhile.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I’ve also been VERY tired the last few days, and I’ve been sleeping in longer in the mornings as a result. This sucks because it is beautiful and sunny outside, and I should be exercising via bicycle or walking, but I’m SO run down.
Despite that, I rode for 20 minutes on the bicycle trainer today. That’s ten minutes down from Monday, February 11th, when I was able to ride for 30 minutes straight. Today however, the 20 minutes I did nearly had me in tears due to the fatigue, and then I had to go take an hour and a half nap!!

Friday night, while putting fresh linens on the bed around 1am, I got a hot flash. I’ve had these associated with my period for years. My Ma has laughed at me about this since I was in my twenties, and always tells me I have no idea what a hot flash is like because only women in menopause get those.

YEAH, LIKE I BELIEVE THAT.

So I was making the bed and the hot flash came on – I was out of breath and my face turned hot, and my hands got real hot, and then the rest of my body followed suit. I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror – my cheeks were bright pink – flushed from the hot flash. I checked my neck and chest – they were fine. I called my man into the bathroom to look at me and he acknowledged the flushed face. I put my hands on the back of his neck – he got wide-eyed! My hands are NEVER hot, they’re always ice cold! HELLO SEE RANT ABOVE ABOUT FREEZING.
So he totally believed me. I took my temperature – it was 98.3°F, which for me is high because I’m always so cold and always at a low body temp – usually something like 97.6°F or 97.9°F.

I stripped off my clothes and got into my PJs and left my socks off. My man looked at me like I was crazy, because at bedtime, like I said, I always bundle up as though I’m camping in the arctic.

The hot flash lasted about 15 minutes and then, just like that, I got the chills and was back to my ‘normal’ lizard-like self. I had to put on my slipper socks and get under the covers.

Yeah, I’ve been getting these hot flashes with or around the time of my period for over ten years, so it’s nothing new in conjunction with the fact that my period has been off last month and this month.

What a pain in the ass. And speaking of that, yes, I’ve been having the ass pains again lately, too.

I’m so glad I got the allergy blood test over with. Did I tell you about that? I’d been eating foods that were bad for me so I could take the dreaded blood test again. The nurse drew seven vials of blood for my allergist! Lordy. Anyway, I’m glad that it’s over – now I can re-calibrate my body back to healthier foods – yeast free, gluten free, sugar free, etc.

Can’t wait for the results of the bloodwork. All of this is to determine how severe my allergies have gotten and if the doctors can tie that to immune disorder and eventually also link the Endometriosis into that. Once I have a SINGLE diagnosis of something like Immune System Disorder or something, rather than buckshot ( dust, mold, food allergies, depression, Endometriosis, environmental irritant sensitivities, hypoglycemia, thyroid issues, etc etc), THEN I will finally start to feel like some progress is being made in treating my entire being, not just symptoms.

Holy crap, my fingers feel numb from the cold. Going to go bundle up further and crank the heat to 74°F.

Depressed

Haven’t worked again today.

The depression really slammed me yesterday. Just suddenly I was FECKING DEPRESSED.

Is it the codeine pill I took Tuesday night? Is it just PMS? Is it due to the forbidden foods I’ve been reintroducing in order to get the stupid blood test for my allergist? Is it because I’m panicked again over my ability as a professional astrologer? Is it all of the above?

I also started getting george pain pretty strongly at 12:02pm yesterday but he never did show up. The depression worsened throughout the day as the pain stayed constant yet just enough to be annoying. On a whim, I bought tickets to see Siouxsie live at the Fillmore, even though I don’t have the money for such things. This of course made the depression worse.
At the last minute, I got off my ass, threw on a dress, did my hair and makeup, and went out the door.
On the way across the Bay Bridge, I had to fight the very strong urge to pull over, get out of my car and dive off the bridge. My brain was SO broken that when I argued against such plans, my brain came back soothingly with, “Oh it won’t hurt, do you ever hear of people killing themselves by jumping off this bridge? NO. It’s always the Golden Gate bridge. You’ll be fine. You can just go for a swim. It’ll be nice.”

Of course I didn’t listen, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this. :p

But the urge was compelling. Very strong. WTF.

I didn’t get to San Francisco in time to meet my friends for dinner, so I went without. No big deal, I’ve not been hungry lately, anyway – just craving chocolate and sugar mainly. My friends met me outside of the parking structure and we walked to the Fillmore. When we got there, Rasputina was playing. I’d never seen them before. I had instant cello lust. I played cello in 4th and 5th grade. The only reason I stopped was because we had to move to a new school for 6th grade, and they didn’t have a strings department, only a band department. Thus ended my career as a cellist – my mother was too poor to *buy* me a cello of my own, let alone pay for lessons.

Siouxsie was great. I enjoyed seeing her and yowza, does she still got it. Catcalls galore, all night, from every inch of the gender spectrum, for our beloved Auntie Siouxsie.

When the show got out, my friends and I parted ways. I was in such pain from standing and craning my neck and dancing that I needed to take an Ibuprofen600 on the way home. I felt better emotionally and physically when I got home.
Woke up this morning from the dream I posted about in the last entry and well, spent the rest of the day today in a depressed funk all over again.

I will say though that I did spend a lot of time outside today. I sat in the backyard and took pictures. I even took my cat out there on her harness but all she did was meow and howl because she was afraid. Her tail was all bushed out, too.
My friend came over later and we talked out in the backyard in the sun.

Here’s some pix I took of the backyard today:

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“The sun is up, the sky
is blue, it’s beautiful,
and so are you…”

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After my friend took off for work, I went and retrieved my car – it was parked a couple of blocks away – and I went and got a mini pizza to further test the reintroduction of foods. I SWEAR TO {INSERT DEITY HERE} I DIDN’T EXPERIENCE ANY DOOM.

I’m absolutely fecking baffled by this. I swear, I have been severely ill in the past from eating pizza dough or a dinner roll or anything with wheat and yeast in it, especially the yeast. So I have no idea what the deal is. I’ve probably been consuming yeast in some form or another and got my gut reacclimated to it, I guess. Would sugars do that alone? I wonder.

This would explain the weight gain over the past 2 years. Time to cut everything out again – this time for the purpose of weight management!

And now I feel better that I’ve emptied my head. My man is on his way home from work, so that helps, too. Tomorrow is a new day. I will do what I can tomorrow, knowing that this is downtime, be it emotional (depression, stress, anxiety, PMS, etc) or physical (the endometriosis), it does not matter. I’m in downtime. And I need to take care of myself. And the work will have to wait, and I will just have to TRUST myself that everything will happen as it should, in its time.

*sigh*

It’s just convincing my man that this is all good. That’s going to be the problem as we approach May of this year, when the state financial assistance runs out.

*sigh again*

But right now…. RIGHT NOW… I take care of myself in my downtime.

Bad dream

This morning, around 9:30am, I woke up from a bad dream and was nearly in tears. Thankfully, my man was still home, as he didn’t have to be in to work til later this morning.
This dream comes one day after starting on codeine sulfate for the Endo pain.

I was working in China with my friend T, but I can’t remember what our field was. Computers, maybe? But it was associated with the government, as well most things are over there. There was some unrest when we got to China – rumours that a female political figure was in danger of being assassinated.

We worked with the government regardless of the precarious state of affairs, and we were always looking over our shoulders, and had to be aware of our surroundings at all times. Again, I can’t remember what sort of work we were doing – something in security? Something with computers? Both?

A couple of days before the end of our assignment, T and I were in town near a subway station when suddenly something happened. My memory is fuzzy now but it could have been a blast of air. It was enough to make me and T stop working and look at each other in panic. My heart was in my throat, because I knew we were in inescapable danger.

People ran screaming and there was immediate news that the political figure in question had just been assassinated right here in the area we were in. On top of that, I was acutely aware that the method of assassination was via high dose release of radiation, and that we’d also been hit.

T and I quickly made our way back to the office headquarters and told the other Americans, as well as the Chinese managers that we’d been poisoned with radiation. Everyone was somber but nobody wanted to talk about it. The Americans urged that we were okay, that nothing was wrong with us, that we looked fine. This seemed to help T’s mood, but not mine – I ran over to a computer and began Googling symptoms of radiation poisoning!! I was irritated, angry, wanted to be believed, and I desperately wanted to know how much time I had left to live.
The American co-workers and managers acted as though I was being overly dramatic, making a big deal out of something. They were probably embarrassed by my behaviour because I wouldn’t just go along and say “I’m fine” to save face with the big contract – the Chinese company.

I just wanted to know how long I had left to live. None of the Chinese officials would tell me anything about radiation exposure. No doctors were sent to look at me or my friend T.

Next thing I know, T and I are sitting at some pull-up-a-chair makeshift restaurant in town, facing in at the chefs in the kitchen as they worked the hot stoves. T was sitting to my left and the bar we sat at was aluminum. We’re in China but this makeshift eat-and-go restaurant is serving up TACOS. And they were REALLY GOOD TACOS.

I had a bluetooth on my left ear and I dialed home to speak to my Ma. I didn’t know what to talk to her about, and I didn’t want to tell her I was dying. I just wanted to hear her voice and have her BE there on the other line. But she wanted me to talk , so she was the one listening. I didn’t know what to say, though. After a few minutes of this, the signal faded just as I started to talk, and I lost the signal altogether. This brought on even worse depression and I wanted to cry. I couldn’t finish my meal so I gave it to T and got out of my chair.

Next thing I know, we’re back at the office and dealing with more of the “you’re fine” crap. I go through the whole “tell me how long I have left to live” thing again but still, nobody’s talking. I try to look it up on the computer again but I keep getting distracted or pulled away – now some cow-orkers want to look at some stupid youtube video on the machine I’m using. I walk away.

Next thing I know, T is driving me in a car and saying she’ll just take me to the airport and I can go home a day early. I like this idea, but then I panic because all my stuff is back at the hotel. T says “oh! Right…” and turns us around.
When we get back to the hotel, the door is slightly open. “Someone’s been here”, I say, and my heart fills with dread as I expect the room to be trashed. T goes right inside, not aware or afraid of any imminent danger, and starts packing up my stuff.
Meanwhile, I’m paranoid as all hell and I’m peeking inside of every nook and cranny to be sure no one is there. I can’t recall if the place was trashed or not.

Next thing I know, I’m outside, shuffling along a sidewalk, barefooted, in a black lace shirt and skirt, hair hanging in my face, shoulders slumped, head slumped forward, watching my feet as I shuffle, trying to avoid dog poo and bird crap in various places on the sidewalk. I look up to see that I’m walking past my old apartment complex on Shoreline Avenue, and I can also see the beach out of my peripheral vision.

So yeah. When I woke up , I wanted to cry, because I was still in the headspace of “I’m dying from radiation exposure and it’s going to get REALLY ugly and painful.”

I told my man about the nightmare and he said that’s horrible! He hugged me and kissed me. I opened up the blinds in the living room and almost broke into tears when I saw how bright green the blooming Datura bush outside our window is, with the radiant sunlight dancing on the leaves. I stood there for a moment, taking in the beauty of the day, not wanting to forget it should I die soon.

I really really hate it when nightmares stick with me for so long after waking.

I Googled in real life and found information on radiation poisoning here and here.

I feel the need to shower now. Gotta shake this stupid nightmare. Gonna step outside first and check the mail and maybe hang out in the sunlight in the backyard for a bit.

Test run with codeine sulfate

I took one codeine pill after my last journal entry. It took roughly 25 minutes to kick in. When it did kick in, I felt slightly nauseated. About 20 minutes after that, I noticed it was difficult to breathe, which added to the nausea, and on top of it, I got the munchies pretty badly.

I’m at the 2 hours, 45 minutes mark right now, and the codeine is still full on. The hunger keeps increasing and I’ve done nothing to sate it. The breathing becomes more laborious. As a result, I feel like I’m suffocating. I get this same reaction on oxycodone (only it’s worse on oxy).

On a good note, I was able to act normal enough that my man didn’t notice any difference until I just told him I’m on codeine…so I’m highly functioning on the stuff. I was able to continue working after taking it, right up til I ended my workday at 11:30pm.

Oh, also important to note: The feeling of intense hunger, mixed with the feeling of suffocation makes me VERY aggressive. I want to start a brawl with my cats or my man but I am severely restraining myself. Not sure how much longer I can hold out, especially with the ever-needy cats. If living things weren’t in the house, I’d probably want to trash the house.

But I’m not clenching my teeth like I do on vicodin (or as of last month, like I do on Tylenol3).

I expect to have nightmares tonight due to the suppressed breathing. Trying to be very conscious of every breath. The breathing is faster than normal. I can’t take it slow because of the feeling of smothering.

A little thing you didn’t know about me:
I tend towards holding my breath normally – it’s a defensive mechanism to avoid being found by my brother cuz I would always hide from him. If I scrunched up, folded in on myself and didn’t breathe, maybe he or anyone who picked on me wouldn’t notice me. That’s why my posture sucks and I’m hunched over.
…Well, that and genetics – all the women on my Ma’s side hunch.
Anyway, I often have to remind myself to breathe. Taking meds which suppress already suppressed breathing isn’t so good.

Based on the above, I’m calling the test run with codeine a FAIL.

So my question is –

What can I take when the pain hits that doesn’t:

  • suppress my breathing and give me nightmares (Tylenol3, vicodin, codeine, oxycodone)
  • make me grind my teeth and therefore bring on the TMJ (Tylenol3, vicodin, oxycodone)
  • make me want to choke a bitch (vicodin, codeine, oxycodone)
  • kill my liver (Tylenol3, vicodin, probably oxycodone)
  • send me into severe depression (oxycodone, muscle relaxers)
  • kill my stomach or GI tract (Ibuprofen)

?

The fatigue returns

Maybe it’s just that I’m a week premenstrual… yes, ALREADY… :(

But I’ve been really tired again lately. Especially the last two days, I’ve slept in til 9am and would have kept sleeping in had my anxiety not acted up. The anxiety tells me YOU ONLY HAVE SO MANY HOURS IN THE DAY! GET MOVING! YOU HAVE TO GET SOME WORK DONE ON THE BUSINESS!

But for the past two days, my eyes have felt puffy, sticky and irritated, and I’m just TIRED. When I look in the mirror, my eyes look fine. So perhaps I’ve got some allergies going on.

This morning I got out of bed, got dressed and walked a few blocks to the acupuncturist to pick up a refill on the herbal meds. He doesn’t feel I need the “stomach pill” for the spleen anymore, even with hearing about the liver enzyme issue. But he gave me a refill on the “blood mansion pill” for the uterus, and instructed me to make another acupuncture appointment right before george hits.

One thing that irks me about this doctor is his personality quirk. Every time I see him, he says, “so you’re not working today?” And I have to tell him “No, I work from home, I make my own hours.”
He always says “Ah.” and nods once and looks down at the floor or his paperwork.

It just pisses me off, because it plays on my insecurities. I’m trying to be proud of being self-employed, of being independent of an employer, and I feel like I’m getting hostile energy from this guy when he feels compelled to ask me the same question every time I see him.

*breathe in…. and exhale…..*

I just have to remember that his comment, his judgemental behaviour, his attitude… is Not My Problem.

Lastly, back to the liver enzyme issue – at least my urine isn’t dark brown anymore. That was scary when it lasted like two weeks before the blood test came back to tell me about the high liver enzymes. I’m taking vitamins again, too, and I’ve incorporated more carbs into my diet (more carbs helps with the liver issue). Now, I just have to get on a regular exercise regimen again so I don’t get even fatter from the extra carbohydrate intake. Granted, it’s complex carbs but still.
I’m at 168lbs (76kg) right now.

In February of 2006, I was 183lbs (83kg). When I omitted carbs, gluten, yeast and sugar, I dropped 30lbs – I went down to 153lbs (69kg) – within three months.
And then since 2007, my body’s been trying to gain it all back again. :(

Exercise good. Walking to the acupuncturist and back again before breakfast == good. Having spent 10 minutes on the bicycle trainer last night == good.
Now I just have to get diligent again about doing my situps first thing in the morning and before bed each night.

Furnace issue mostly resolved

The heater guy and the landlady came back out on Monday the 4th, and sure enough, the thermostat wasn’t sending signal to the new furnace. So the heater guy installed a digital thermostat. That’s been a fun toy. ;)
However, there’s been a high pitched whine coming from the pilot light since the new furnace was installed on February 1st, and I did let the landlady and furnace guy know about it immediately, and they both responded with, “wow! you have excellent hearing! i don’t hear a thing!” Even my man could hear the whine. It didn’t seem to irk him the way it irks me, though.

I told them I’d get back to them on it if the whine was such that I can’t stand it. In the meantime, my friend came over and she could hear the whine, too, when I had us be quiet for a moment and listen for it. However, even my crappy old CRT monitor makes a high pitched whine, and I’m closer to that physically than I am to the furnace most days. This is only an issue when the house is quiet. Of course, I LIKE a quiet house much of the time.
Alas, I just play some low music to drown out the whine. The music consequently drowns out the furnace whine.

The angst towards the landlady continues. But there’s no way we can move, unless we re-allocate wedding funds towards moving funds and just put the wedding off for a year. And well, my man ain’t havin’ that.

Update on complaint to the labor board

This morning I finally got a call from the Labor Board – the company that fired me finally responded to their charges of “denied accomodation”, and they’re fighting it! OMG, WTF.

Can’t say I didn’t expect this, though. The Labor Board guy asked me a bunch of questions surrounding my absenses, and said he’ll continue to review all the chat logs, doctor’s notes and emails I sent proving my case that I informed them of day one that I have a stage III incurable illness which does keep me from work between 1-3 days each month and therefore violates their stupid-ass attendance policy.

Good. You go right ahead and fight. Have fun with that. But I’m going to win.

No, the furnace issue still isn’t over…

So, after the landlady and her heater dude came over on Friday to replace the entire furnace, the guy turned it on and off a few times, and was confident everything was fine, and they left.

Friday night, I went to turn up the thermostat when it got cold again and… nothing. No *click* noise to indicate there was a connection from thermostat on the wall to the furnace to turn on. Tried several times – nothing.

Greeeeeeaaaaaat.

Called landlady – straight to voicemail. Called PG&E – they’ll send someone right over. But B and I were about to go out, so I asked when PG&E would be out. They said it was a busy Friday night and they didn’t know. I told PG&E to call me, as I was heading out, and I’d be close by, and could get right back there.

PG&E never called but they did send someone out, and they left a note on the door… Grrrrrr.

So we went another night without heat and had to use the space heater. The dollars are racking up on the electric bill, which we WILL bill the landlady for.

The landlady came over the next morning, again as we were about to head out. Turns out it is an electrical issue – the coupling unit isn’t getting the signal from the thermostat.

The landlady’s husband instructed us to use our housekeys and touch them to the screws inside the bottom of the furnace where it meets up with the wiring, while someone turned up the thermostat. He said it only creates a very small electrical charge, not enough to cause a problem.

So that’s what we’ve been doing to get the furnace to turn on since Saturday. The landlady’s furnace guy is supposed to be out again at some point today.

The hatred continues.

August, 2009, people. That’s the earliest we can move.