Anyone got any xanax?

I woke up to get ready to work out this morning and had to stand in the hallway for a couple of minutes to guage whether or not I felt well enough to leave the house. I’m not bleeding yet – it’s the pre-menstrual pain and discomfort. I had slight nausea, too. When I have that, usually it means I’m about to bleed profusely.

I stood there long enough that my cat woke up and jumped down off the couch and came up to me as if to ask how I was doing. ;)

I decided that since I’d not heard from my friend the night before about gym plans, that there was no sense in potentially awakening her this morning just to say I’m not going to the gym. I went back to bed.

I awoke again 3 hours later of a nightmare wherein I was trying to get to work and kept running into women blocking the road in one way or another. The second woman had a big truck parked on the railroad tracks I was trying to drive on??!?

The tracks were on a bed of gravel perpendicular to the road for cars. I had words with the woman. She was bitchy back at me, saying her car was broken down and she needed help. I treated her like a homeless begging vagrant and turned around to try another pathway to work. Suddenly I was without a car myself and found myself running on train tracks embedded in a cement road, off to the right from where I left the woman standing.

I then heard a train’s horn. I turned around as I ran and saw the train barreling down the tracks towards me. I started to run to get out of the way, running towards a ditch, and my thought was, “I don’t think I’ll make it in time, trains go faster than we think they do.”

And then I woke up.

To analyse the dream, I go to my handy dandy dream dictionary:

“To see an obstruction on railroad tracks, suggests you have done something you’re sorry about.”

“Running in a dream suggests that you are feeling trapped or pressured in a real life relationship. It can also mean you feel stressed by school or work.”

“To dream that you are running in slow motion – or that you are trying to run but cannot make your feet move as fast as you want them to – signifies a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence on your part. Try to believe in yourself more.”

“To dream about people getting killed by a train, or of being in a train wreck, suggests that progress towards your goals is not going according to plans. This may be because you lack the self-confidence to pursue them whole-heartedly.”

I’m still slightly nauseated, still no bleeding, still low uterine pain and now moderate low back pain, and I feel like I want to cry all day.

And the dream is spot on, by the way.

I feel highly pressured to get back to work and this paralyses me with fear. There’s nobody close to me pressuring me – it’s all in my head – fear of being forced by the state to go back to work before I’m ready. The side of my fear is that I don’t want to go through the abuse again of an employer constantly telling me every week that they’ll fire me if I don’t come to work every single day.

I really hope the settlement comes soon. I can’t go back to work. My anxiety is such that I’ll have a full on breakdown over it. I’m scarred mentally from what I’ve been through with that last employer.

With all this fear and paralysis, it makes it hard to continue working on my web business, because I feel I’m no good at it. I feel like I’ll never be successful, like I’m wasting my time, like what I’m doing is totally unreasonable, like I’m being a slacker and a sponge on my man, draining him of his finances.

Today is fired.

At least my cats know this. Kiki has his head on my right leg, and Zenaide is draped over my left arm as I sit on the couch using the laptop. They’ve come to comfort me.

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