George is here, very depressed.

Again with the spotting issues. I started spotting last Tuesday, and thought aww christ, not a week early, WTF!?!? But then the spotting went away by the end of the day.

I started spotting again on Thursday, but really light, and it didn’t last long.

I started spotting again on Sunday, so by this time I’m thinking either I’m pregnant or something’s wrong. I got moderate cramps last night, but still no full on bleeding.

Then george showed up first thing this morning. It’s official now, too – bright red blood at a continuous trickle. I took an Ibuprofen 600 right after breakfast this morning, and so far have only had mild to moderate low back pain. Barely any low uterine pain.
Back pain I can handle. Low uterine pain I cannot handle.

So the spotting… it’s a new pre-menstrual development. It happened in January and February, too. I don’t know what it means. Every time I call up my surgeon to report that I’ve collapsed from unbearable pain that wasn’t present before surgery, or spotting before menses that wasn’t there before surgery, she always dismisses me by saying it’s just part of the illness, nothing new is going on, it’s just the illness.

You know, I get really tired of fighting people and systems. I get really tired of sounding like a hypochondriac whenever I demand another test be done on me. I am at the point of giving up, giving in. Just letting the inevitable happen to me instead of fighting against it. The inevitable is death because of this illness, likely through cancer of some sort.

Don’t be surprised by these comments. Usually they appear in my head around Day 3 or Day 4 of being drugged to the gills and wrestling with immense pain every month. But I’m here to get it out of the way early this month. I’ve been SO depressed ever since taking this new job and discovering the rampant abuses and negligence going on, there. I’m depressed by having a job at all, I’ve become so jaded at the very idea of work after all the jobs I’ve had since moving to California. This is largely because the dotcom industry is SO unstable that I’d had so many jobs. I’ve had at least 15 jobs in the 11 years that I’ve lived in this state.

Hmmm. After taking stock, I didn’t do much better back home in Michigan. I’d had 8 jobs in the 10 years I was employable there, from age 15 to 25. All told in my working career then, I’ve held 23 jobs over a span of 22 years.

custard hut
slams video
perry drugstore
group home
metlife insurance
baystar medical
ross systems
admin for san jose post office construction
checkpoint software
whole earth networks
mercury interactive (through one agency)
mercury interactive (through another agency)
the internet archive
unnamed violator of my disability rights

I’m tired, people. I’m tired. Please, someone just look after me. I’m tired.

2 Responses to “George is here, very depressed.”

  1. elsewhere

    I don’t know what to say, but I hope you can hang in there.

    Isn’t spotting a symptom of menopause?

  2. Steph

    Menopause, eh? Is it wrong of me to say “ohgod I hope so” ? ;)