Day 2.5 of bedridden

I just woke up nauseated and cramping badly, and feeling hungry.

Sometimes the Tylenol 3 makes me nauseous. Most often, it gives me false hunger pains. And sometimes the pain leaks through despite being medicated.

Then again, the last time I took any meds was almost 3 hours ago, so I assume that it’s also time for another dose.

I also had more nightmares. I was in a daycare trying to put children down for nap. The children were children I’d cared for 15 years ago back in Michigan. Nobody would listen and I found myself shouting at them. At one point I’d had it and left my co-teacher alone with all the kids in the room, and went for a walk.
I got about three blocks from the daycare and decided I should turn back around. But suddenly, no matter which route I took, I ended up further and further away. I hopped on a bus or light rail train, thinking I could get back to the daycare quicker, but when I was let off the train, I found that I was now up by 16 Mile road (in Michigan). Panicked, I walked faster and faster, trying to find out what had happened, trying to get to a place I remembered, so I could get back to work on time. It was all very anxiety-inducing.

The dream shifted from that to an actual real life memory of being down in the basement at the house my first sex partner was staying at. He was mad at me for terminating a pregnancy I did not want, and ending the relationship with him because he’d lied to me about purposefully knocking me up. He held a shotgun to my head. I ran upstairs away from him in sheer screaming terror, and tried to dial 911 on the phone at the top of the stairs. He grabbed me from behind, grabbed the phone from me, bashed the phone receiver into the wall, turned me around, grabbed my neck, slammed my head into the wall a few times and choked me. Then he stepped back and calmly announced he was going back downstairs to get the shotgun and take care of both of us. I ran from the house, got into my car and drove home in hysterics.

That is a real life memory.

I threw open my eyes and blinked rapidly and breathed deeply to force the memory to fade away again.

I get this unexpected flashback every now and then. All I can do is breathe and push it away.

The flashback caused even more anxiety and I think is what brought the cramps. The books I have on Endometriosis state that since the uterus is hormone-rich, whenever something happens to set off a hormonal surge in the body, the uterus is also involved. And for someone with Endometriosis, this is bad news, because when the hormones set off their signals, it also activates the hormone-rich adhesions on organs outside of the uterus. Those organs in turn set off their pain receptors, because they think something is attacking them. And voìla, that’s how I get to be in so much pain and gushing bleeding.

So of course at this moment, all I can think of is THANKS A LOT, DIPWAD. I STILL KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. I STILL KEEP TABS ON YOUR SKANKY ASS. I STILL DON’T FORGIVE YOU, YOU EFFING BASTARD. ONE DAY I’LL JUST STOP BY AND GET ALL KILL BILL ON YOU.

…and I breathe…

because anger sets off a hormonal wave again…

You see how it goes…

Good times.

I spent all day yesterday, from about 10am onwards in bed, because that’s when the pain started. I had cramps throughout the day but I remember my last onset of cramps was about 9:30 – 10pm last night.
And then this morning again at 9:45am. I keep wondering about this 12-hour cycle my body tends to go in with its cramping.

So much research still to do. Must make the time for it.

I *still* haven’t posted the research from fatty cells I was looking up last week. I had no idea that fat cells *produce* estrogen. Why did I not know this? The books I have on Endometriosis tell me this. I just retained the info til now. I need to finish typing up that entry and share it.

Comments are closed.