Endometriosis education?

Every month, right before george, I get the sudden urge to exercise, to watch my diet while simultaneously bingeing on junk food and caffeinated drinks.

This month’s sudden urge manifested in the area of wanting to get back into relaxation breathing (which I still haven’t done, despite owning a book and still borrowing a friend’s tapes), and also manifested in wanting to know about how drinking affects my uterus and ovaries immediately. This is because after I had my two binges this month, I had ovarian and uterine pain for up to three days following. I’m very worried that this month’s cycle is going to be very painful as a result. I’m also worried that my cycle will be disrupted (early or late).

I had only one glass of red table wine last night before bed, and it calmed me down immensely, but the sulfites made my face so red that I looked sunburned. Today I am dragging and I feel that feeling where george could be here any second, and I have to keep checking. Ugh.

I really really think I have to permanently cut alcohol out of my diet. I’ve said this repeatedly over the years, only to keep going back to the booze, especially in social situations. Blah. What do I do at our wedding? I want to be at ease. Maybe I’ll just take .5mg valium to chill out. Blah. Wish I could say I’m strong and don’t need anything for nerves or anxiety. I know I’m not strong and won’t be for some time.

Catching up with exercise and stuff

Every year a group of friends and I raise money for the San Francisco AIDS Foundation, and we walk 6 miles (10km) for the SF AIDS Walk.

It is fortunate timing for this nanny job, as I have to take the baby on a walk 1-2 times per day. I’ve only forgotten two days so far but I’ve kept a pretty good schedule in general of how far I’ve walked each day. July 2nd was the only day I split up the mileage over two walks. The rest of the time, I’ve only walked the baby in the morning, because it’s been too hot to walk her in the afternoon. Today may be different, as it’s slightly chilly outside. All I have to do is give her some extra bundling.

Keep in mind I only work Tuesdays through Thursdays.

7/2/08 walked approx. 2.5 miles
Can’t recall how far on 7/3/08
Can’t recall how far on 7/8/08
7/9/08 1.6 miles
7/10/08 2.1 miles
7/15/08 2 miles
6pm edit: I walked another 2 miles today with the baby, so 4 miles total. :)

I’m pretty confident that by this Sunday, I’ll be able to do the walk without too much staggering afterwards. ;)

The baby is down for a nap right now, so I’m off to study up on Endometriosis-related stuff. George is due on Monday, July 21st, only six days away. I’m sad that I’ll miss a week of work because of this. I’ve already informed the family as to my condition so that they can get another sitter for that week. Because they only need me three days per week, I need every last cent I earn. The agency has NOT come through for me with further work, yet they acted all mad when I said I couldn’t make it to the company picnic coming up this weekend. Sorry, no.

Oh, almost forgot to mention – I’ve fallen out of practice with Qigong, and my practitioner hasn’t been doing any free sessions because she’s not had enough people to commit. She called me today to tell me that she’s starting up Qigong instruction again, this time on weekends soon in a local-ish library.
Excellent. I can’t wait. I need discipline and to get back into the habit again. This past month, I have treated my body like crap. Worse than crap. I’ve been downright abusive and harmful. Time to stop that. I’ll be doing the liver and kidney cleanse my Qigong practitioner gave me, hopefully starting next weekend. My man handles all the groceries now, and he said next Saturday is the next available time we’ll have any real time together (that’s usually the case – Saturdays are Our Day).

Must. Fix. Body.

There’s more

Two days after the Independence Day celebrations, on July 6th, a friend of ours was a guest DJ at the island’s famous tiki bar. She encouraged people to dress up in their beach party best. Because it’s a tiki bar, and because my friend is also a retro chick, I opted for a kitschy 50’s bathing beauty look, complete with leopard print mini skirt.
I love to get into costume, but this challenged my insecurities quite a bit. I had bare legs and bare arms and shoulders for the most part. I NEVER do that. I decided I’d try my hand at being comfortable with my body, and well it failed because when I got to the tiki bar, I was so extremely self-conscious, add to that my social anxiety, that I jumped right in and ordered a zombie – their most powerful drink. I did this with the mindset that it would loosen me up and I wouldn’t need another drink after that.
Big mistake. I had three or four drinks that afternoon, and was so trashed that a friend had to drive me home. So embarrassing. SO embarrassing.
Part of the reason I got so trashed was because my man was not there to stop me. Usually he assumes a parental role with me to curb my drinking. We agreed on this after I got so trashed at an event back in 2005 that he almost ended the relationship because I was that out of control.

On Monday July 7th, I did laundry but mostly slacked off all day, recovering from the horrible horrible hangover. I sent out a plea to my friends to help keep me in check where bars are concerned. Only one friend said she’d step up to this really responsible role for me. I’m very grateful for her. The problem is, she’s rarely at the clubs or bars that I normally go to. But I know I can count on her if she is out with me and my man is not there to provide the parental role.

I worked Tuesday through Thursday this week and was wiped out by the end of Wednesday, heh. I only put in 24-27 hours of work per week now, but it’s labor-intensive and wipes me out. Eventually I’ll get in shape from this work and it won’t leave me so exhausted.

Last night, the band my man is in had their last concert. Their lead singer/owner of the band killed his band name and associated music, and now they’re all working on new material. I’m glad they’ve stayed together but it’s not been without moderate stress on everyone. It’s bold and scary to start off on a whole new project after ten years and an established fan base. There were four bands on the bill last night. I tried ringing up a couple of people to go with me to the bar, so I wouldn’t be on my own and self-destructive again. I did not try hard enough. I should have been on top of this, ensuring a ride with someone days ago. I failed again.
I went to the club alone. I met several people there I know, sure, but for some reason, I was nervous and full of social anxiety all over again. WHY. I don’t know. I don’t know.
I started drinking.
The bartenders there are very generous with their pours.
And yet I had two or three drinks. I got hammered. Again. After having a talk with myself all day about only getting cranberry juice. I rehearsed it in my head – get a drink to make it look like you’re drinking alcohol, so you can join in the party so to speak. But all the while I was rehearsing this, in the back of my head another voice was already at the bar and explaining to someone that she had her cranberry juice and now she’s getting a tall glass of vodka – to go with the cranberry she’d already drank.

That voice – that is my arch nemesis. The one who is literally trying to kill me. The one who seems unstoppable. The one I feel powerless against.

gods help me. At the end of the night, there was no one to drive me home. I drove home drunk. So drunk I had to squint with one eye closed to properly see the road. I have no idea where I parked my car last night.

I do recall taking vitamin B and C before bed, so that’s good because I didn’t wake up with the type of hangover I had only four days ago. Although I am not nauseous, nor do I have a pounding hangover headache, my stomach feels pitted and my kidneys are screaming. Add to that the fact that after heavy drinking, my ovaries and uterus get cranky because the hormones are all whacked out of place from the alcohol poisoning. So now I dread my next period – I’m positive it will be a really bad one thanks to my self-destructive behaviour.

I feel like the next binge really will kill me.
And yet, I know there will be another binge. I’m afraid. So very afraid. I don’t know how to stop myself. I’ve been saying this for years and years and I’ve put myself raw and exposed to people to help me but none of it has worked.

… looking up treatment options on my insurance…

Prior auth required. Hm. Time to make an appointment with my doctor.