I Will Not Suffer In Silence

For the past week and a half, I’ve been experiencing mittelschmerz and low uterine pain. Today is particularly bad, with the pain sharp enough at times to make me gasp. George is due in 7 days, and I’ve already started premedicating as of today.

My diet has been shitty for the past month, due to rushing and stress. Not only that, but I read that apples and flax seeds/oil have natural estrogens in them, so I stopped eating those things until I could do further research. It seems in that time, the mid-cycle pelvic pain returned, and I caught a cold that I’ve been trying to fight off since about last Thursday. My man also got a cold and by Friday was taken down hard by it. He’s off work Monday and today because he’s coughing so much and his coworkers don’t want him to get them sick. Bleh.
I’ve been taking vitamin C and zinc every day, along with my other vitamins, to fight this off. Today I reintroduced flax and apples into my diet in the hopes that they will assist in fighting off the cold that’s going around (a friend of ours was also sick last week, same symptoms).

I will also be picking up evening primrose oil tonight on the way home, as I’ve never yet applied that remedy.

If I’m a week early, this means I cut it REAL close to the wedding with my next cycle. And I can’t bear to have that happen.

My man has been home sick since Monday from whatever it is that’s going around – another friend also had it, dunno if she’s still sick. I myself have been fighting off this beast since about last Thursday but I fear that as my immune system continues to weaken as it does every month on account of the Endometriosis, I will succumb to the cold/sinus hell that’s going around.

Add to that the fact that I’ve been presenting symptoms of the Endometriosis for a full week and a half, when in past months since surgery, I’d only presented a few days beforehand. So my energy has been low, I’ve had uterine and ovarian pain on and off, sometimes suddenly so sharp that I gasp, and I’ve had PMS cravings pretty badly.

Add to that the fact that when I got out of my car at work today, my lower right back “went” and now it’s giving me sharp pains which radiate towards my pelvis. I didn’t take the baby for her stroller ride up hill both ways this morning, and she was kind enough to go right to sleep in the stroller that I dragged into the house. I hope the rest of the day is mellow.

It is common for my back to go out or for me to get whatever bug is going around right at the time of menses, because the cylons jam my immune system my immune system becomes weak, allowing for infiltration.

And now, my morbid coping humour:
All these years, I gave my illness a personality and a name, and a gender. He looks just like Vyvyan from The Young Ones, and always liked kicking me in the stomach, the little bastard.

But now…now that I know as of this year that telomeres are abnormally long in women with endometriosis and don’t shed like they’re supposed to – they just keep growing and become rogue cells growing outside of the uterus – well that sounds more like a cylon analogy to me than some mean punk kicking me in the stomach for the hell of it. But continuing with the theme, I’d say that since there are many copies of cylons, that the ones inside of me all look like Vyvyan. :p

I started premedicating yesterday with the Motrin (Ibuprofen 600mg) but today feels like a Tylenol 3 day and it’s not even 10am yet.

And just like that, on Monday the pain and bleeding went away. The only thing that remained was the lower back pain.

On Sunday I needed a wheelchair for stability. On Monday, I was a nanny and after work I walked up and down the block collecting petition signatures for a four-way stop on the corner (There’s been too many accidents and near-misses there).

Today I walked up and down steep hills in the neighborhood where I work, pushing the baby stroller.

In 23 days, I’ll go through it all over again.

That’s how it goes…

Well I didn’t feel better the next day, or the next. I didn’t feel better until late last night. I’m back to work today and haven’t had to take any medication. The bleeding has stopped. I still have lower back pain, though. It’s mild to moderate, so I’ve been moving slow and easy at work.

So I bled Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Hopefully it’s done, now for another 22ish days.

The baby I work with has given me a break, too. She is getting used to me, I think. She’s exactly six months old today. The last couple of infants I worked with were four months old when they came into my care. This one was nearly six months old and so I think she’s already privy to the whole ‘you’re a stranger’ mentality. Though that normally starts around 8 months I thought, but here we are.

She’s napping right now, which is how I can write this entry. ;)

Nothing else to report – got a full week of work ahead of me and hopefully the pain won’t return today for the ‘last gasp’ like it is prone to doing.

Today was the first time I used the wheelchair since I bought it two months ago. Once I had it ready for usage, my pride got in the way and I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone, so I chanced going out without it. This was back in July for the AIDS Walk. To my glee, I felt better that day and didn’t need it.

Yesterday it came up again – I was too miserable pain-wise to attend an event I wanted to go see, but I had the wheelchair. Two problems with that however; 1) the event was at the beach, and wheelchairs don’t mix with beaches. 2) my man didn’t feel like going to the event for reasons still puzzling to me. As I contemplated getting to the event myself, a migraine crept in. I’ve been getting these a lot since August of this year. I NEVER get migraines or even headaches. Well, not since my car accident back in ’94. I got horrible migraines for a year from the whiplash and TMJ I suffered in the accident. I wore a professional jaw splint for a year and taught myself in that year how to monitor my jaw and just not clench. After a year, I tossed the jaw splint to the side and never went back to it since.
Now I’m thinking with all the stress I’ve been under, getting looked at and a new jaw splint again might not be a bad idea. But in any case, the migraine ruined what plan I had left for trying to go have fun yesterday.

Today was another event and I vowed once again to try to make it out. My friend C picked me up and was awesome enough to load my wheelchair into his car. We got to the event and doors hadn’t even opened yet, but there was a line around the block! We found parking and I got out of the car. He asked if I wanted the wheelchair and at that moment, I winced. I second-guessed. I grew prideful. I grew embarrassed. Thankfully, C is an awesome friend and told me I had nothing to be afraid of, that it was only about whether or not I felt I could stand and walk, nothing more. I definitely had my doubts about being able to even stand in line, much less walk around for any length of time. Just yesterday, I got agitated with my man over some time-sensitive shopping he’s not done yet, so I ordered him out of the house and we went. Despite the girl do0m and the migraine, I went. And I had to keep sitting. And I barely functioned. And I wanted the wheelchair.

So today, I decided, I’d rather have the wheelchair than be extra miserable. I got the wheelchair so I WILL be able to function and have fun and not worry about collapsing or looking for a place to sit down. I got the wheelchair so that I CAN start going out to events I normally would not be able to go to because there’s nowhere to rest.

So I did it. C got the wheelchair out of his car and I settled into it. And we did have fun. Morbid jokes ensued.

There are two things that I learned today from my first wheelchair experience:

1) The doorguy to the tiki bar was aghast – ‘what happened?!?!’ and I had no idea how to tell him in five words or less what was wrong with me. And I noticed people who I didn’t know would give me a sympathy look. The look of “ohh the poor thing, what’s wrong with her?” And so many people always tell me, “I hope you feel better soon!”

I will feel better soon. I always do. But I get tired of hearing that because right now, I DON’T feel better, and ‘soon’ is still too far away from me. Your hope is empty because fact states I WILL feel better, therefore you don’t need to hope and worry. Give it a rest. I WILL and always DO get better.

I need morbid humour, like on the But You Don’t Look Sick website (check out their online store). I’d order stuff from their store, except the ‘Endometriosis sucks!’ clothes are all white or pastels or grey. Ugh. I want black. :p

Anyone got a screenprinter that can whip up a batch of snarky anti-endometriosis slogans for me? I like long sleeve tee shirts, hoodies, and v-neck women’s shirts. I wear a large. I like black. I *might* be persuaded to wear rust colour, navy blue or hunter green. But black is my main fabric colour of choice.

2) The other thing I learned today is that I need one of those wheelchair backpacks to store shit in when I’m shopping or with friends who are shopping. Oh and a cup holder would be rad, too.

There ain’t no stoppin me! If I get cabin fever, I’m OUTTA HERE! I’m zoomin! I’m gone! No more waiting for people to be available and/or feeling too embarrassed to ask for a ride somewhere close, I’ll be able to get out at will! Screw you, girl do0m! You can’t keep me down! AH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

After midnight last night, I was still high on pain meds and still waiting for the pain to actually go away when I got up out of bed and used the bathroom. After washing my hands, I tried to turn off the faucet, and it wouldn’t turn off.

I had an instant flashback to childhood when this happened to me.

I used to have deliriums up to about age 12, in which everything during a dream state would suddenly move super fast, then slow wayyyy down to slow motion, then speed up super fast again. I’d wake from the dream, only to find that the fast/slow motion was now happening in real life. I’d get nauseated and run for the bathroom to throw up, only I was going in slow motion. Then I’d blink and suddenly I was at the toilet with dry heaves, or I’d be at the sink and the water wouldn’t turn off, no matter which way I turned the faucet.
I’d blink again and I was at the door to the bathroom, looking both ways as though I was about to cross a busy street. I hated that time in my life. Strangely, the deliriums stopped when we moved out of that house.

So when the faucet wouldn’t turn off last night, I thought I was having a delirium, because as I said, I was high on pain medication. I ran to the bedroom and called for B, telling him I was hallucinating and the faucet wouldn’t turn off.

Well I wasn’t hallucinating. The faucet really wouldn’t turn off. B tried to force it cuz that’s what guys do, and broke the handle off, and the water was still going. I told him to move move move outta the way, and I got under the sink to turn the water off from there. Again with the no matter which way I turned, the water would not turn off.

B got under the sink and I excitedly told him to NOT FORCE IT. He turned the handle slowly to the right – it took several more turns than I had done, but he finally got the water shut off.

Today we called the landlady and told her about the faucet. She came by while we were out of the house for a moment. We told her we’d be out for a moment and to just come in. You’d think a landlady would have the key to the house but no. You’d think she’d have our cell numbers but no. When we got home, I saw that she left a message on the landline, saying she’d been waiting for 20 minutes and would return later.

She came by while I was passed out from pain meds again, and had a look at the sink. She said she’d bring a new faucet tomorrow, along with the new bathroom fan cover for the ceiling fan her husband replaced a couple weeks ago and left unfinished. She then dashed out the door as I called WAIT, WAIT and tried to get out of bed again. I wanted to know when tomorrow she’d be over, as we may be out again. I tried to get out of bed as fast as I could and saw her already rushing past the window – she’d gone out the door already. She was nearly running. This woman is always like this. She’s a spaz case who never even lets people finish any sentences, never waits for info on a situation, never trusts that the people she employs to do the home repair work she’s supposed to do will do it right, including her own husband. Always has a smart ass attitude and under the breath commentary.
I went out the door after her and called her name twice but she kept going. So I came back in and slammed the door. Nothing like anger to bring one out of a drug haze, but bring on the nausea.

Effing C*nt. And I said it aloud when I slammed the door.

This is the same bitch you’ll recall that took her time looking into the carbon monoxide poisoning and even getting us alternate heating on the coldest night of the winter about seven months ago.

The world is not ending, I just can’t stand my landlady.

We have no hot water faucet for the bathroom sink for another day. Big whoop. It’s fine. We’ve had a ghetto looking, dangling ceiling fan cover in the bathroom for two weeks. Big whoop. It’s fine.

But MAN does that woman piss me off.

I know, I’m breathing. I’m gonna take a chill pill. It’s fine. It’s okay. Just had to get it off my chest.

Ma is home from the hospital. She has anti-nausea meds, vicodin for the pain, and her daughter-in-law is staying there with her today.

Ma sounds more with it right now than I do. We joked that we’re both down for the count.

I called the hospital this morning and ma is still there. She was throwing up when I called. :(
She can’t stop puking this morning – says she’s still having trouble from the spinal anesthesia yesterday – says she was told that for some people, it takes longer to wear off.

I about cried right there. She’s having such a hard time. Puking is the last thing you need when you’ve had pelvic and bowel surgery.

:(

My sister-in-law arrived as I was talking to ma, so she’s handling the doctors and care for ma now. Good thing SIL works for one of the largest hospitals in the nation. Ma’s in good hands with my SIL directing her care. She works in the E.R. as a nurse assistant, IIRC.

Ma is doing well – the surgery only lasted a half an hour and the hernia was able to be pushed back in. I’m told it went so quick cuz ma is so tiny, heh. She received a mesh patch to shore up the area so she doesn’t get a hernia there again. A very small piece of bowel had to be removed. Ma is in recovery room / short term stay room now and will decide on her own when she is ready to leave. She is welcome to stay in the hospital overnight, and my sister-in-law is recommending it just to be on the safe side. But ma is pretty stubborn so we’ll see.

I missed the initial call, even though my phone was right next to the bed, so I panicked when I saw there was a message. But all is well. I await the next update and was told ma herself may speak to me.

Maybe today I can finally have that emotional breakdown I’ve been trying to have all week. I really need to just let it all out. Even now the tears are on edge but refuse to come.

12:46pm update: Just talked to Ma. She’s still in the hospital – just came out of the anesthesia fog a little bit ago. Her voice is deep and hoarse so I wonder if she was intubated. She says she was given a spinal anesthetic, so she has to lie flat on her back for the next 24 hours. She says the pain where the hernia was still feels like period pain (she’s had pain since last Sunday), only it’s worse, now. Both my brother and his wife are there, but of course my brother still won’t call me or answer his phone. That’s okay, I got the room phone, now.

When I told my ma about her having lost part of her bowel, she was shocked, and said her doctor didn’t tell her that. I told her the doctor would tell her everything soon enough, and reminded ma that she just came out of the fog. I was sorry for telling her what my sister-in-law told me, but then my ma said, “I had a premonition about that, last night.” She had a vision that part of her bowel would be taken. She of course thanks Gawd for the pre-cognition.
I told ma not to take anything I say as fact cuz her doctor will tell her exactly what happened (I hope – a lot of doctors think the less you know, the better, because they have no souls or social skills or bedside manners. :p).

Ma is waiting for a tuna fish sandwich and some yogurt, and complains that she drank her water too fast and is now feeling gurgly.

I hope for a fast recovery. I have the empathy pains, as I had pelvic surgery last year, and I don’t want ma to have to go through even a minute of this, even though she must. I’d take it all for her if I could.

There. There we go. There’s the tears. The release. Finally.

… and now the girl do0m sets in. I’ve called in sick to work.

There is good news today, I swear. My chosen sister’s biological sister K had a baby boy today and both she and baby are resting happy and well.

I babysat both my chosen sister and her little sister K growing up, but was always closer to H. Despite that, I still consider K as extended family for me, along with their parents and grandparents.

When K’s firstborn was about three, I cracked up at the recognition. She was the spitting image of K. It was surreal for me to be looking after K’s daughter at H’s wedding, and spinning her around, just like I used to do with K when she was that age.

Ahhh, memories…

H would kill me if I posted pix of her as a wee one. ;)