Depressed and ready to throw in the mental towel

The promise of a phonecall from my brother today never came true and I know you are all shocked and awed by this. :p

I called my ma’s doctor this morning and told her I’m the daughter, I’m in California, I’d like to come home to tend to my mother after surgery, and so I had questions about the diagnosis and procedure. The doctor was really rude to me, declaring first of all that no aftercare is necessary. She then told me that my ma DOES in fact have an incarcerated/strangulated inguinal hernia. I asked “isn’t that more of a risk to her health then?” and the doctor snapped at me, telling me my ma is fine, the skin looks fine, she has had no nausea or bowel obstruction, and the surgery is one of hundreds done daily and she’ll be FINE.
I asked the doctor about anesthesia and was told my ma gets to choose between a spinal where she’s kept conscious but drowsy, or to receive gas anesthetic. I thanked her for her time and can only imagine her saying the same thing to me as I said to her after hanging up:


I called my ma and left a message for an update. I called my brother again but it just goes to voicemail so I hang up at this point.

My man called to ask if I’d gone in to work and he noticed I left my packed bags at the house. I thought he was gonna take me to the airport with cheapest fare so I’d have to come home from work first and get my bags…but he told me he was late to work today so I was led to believe that meant he had no idea when he’d be home, which made it difficult in trying to choose a flight home.

But this didn’t dawn on me right away. I called my chosen sister and together we looked for airfare. is like trying to play duck hunter. You find the fare you want, you click to purchase it and OHHHH! IT’S GONE! SORRY TRY AGAIN.
Fares on other sites seemed to be too expensive for a one-way ticket. And round trip tickets are well over $800. After about half an hour I gave up, upon realising that I had no way to get back to my house in time, get my luggage, and drive all the way back to SFO, which has the cheaper fares. And besides, it’s the first day back to work for the woman I’m nannying for, and I had no idea when she’d be home, so how could I book a ticket not knowing? The depression and the feeling of everything being such bad timing and out of my control has started to take its toll, and I was near tears all day today.

I want to take this opportunity though to thank my chosen sis for totally being there for me on a moment’s notice. You mean the world to me.

In the early afternoon, my ma called me back, and gave me an update. She’s had a day and a half bedrest and feels a lot better, she says. Being up walking and bending and such at work is what took a toll on her condition, so being off work the last couple of days alleviated the pain. She doesn’t have the nausea or bowel restriction going on. Says she feels fine. Said she saw the anesthesiologist but no decision was made yet on how they’d administer. She didn’t seem concerned. Ma urged me not to fly home for this surgery. She insisted she’s doing fine, and that she’d recover well. She told me she had surgery years ago for something and was told she’d be on bedrest for 6 weeks, and she was up and back to work in two weeks. Ma is confident that her body still has that strength and fast healing.

Long story short:
So it is based partially upon throwing my hands in the air at not being able to score tickets and partially because ma told me to please not come home and reiterating several times that she’s okay now and will be fine after surgery, that I made the decision to not fly home.
But I’m not unpacking my bags until the weekend is over.

Ma said she had to call between 4pm – 7pm Eastern Time to get her surgery time for tomorrow. Well, it’s 9pm her time now and I’ve not heard from her so I’m calling her now.

ok…Ma laughed and said she was just about to call me. She always gets a kick out of me doing this – she’s fundamentalist but believes she and I share a psychic link, heh..
Anyway, ma said my brother promised he’d be there at 7am tomorrow to take her to surgery, and promised to be there with her the entire day, even if she has to get admitted overnight. I hope he keeps his word on this one, or else I’ll fly out there just to stuff him into a steel drum and toss him into Lake Michigan. I’m sick of all his empty promises and lies. I’m beyond emotional and angry at him.

When I got home from work, I ate half a pint of ice cream, took 1mg atavan, 1/2 muscle relaxer, and three hours later I’m having a glass of plum wine. I’ve been working on this post since 5:40pm. It’s taken me 3 hours and 20 minutes to just try to focus even a little bit of the stress outwards via journaling.

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