I Will Not Suffer In Silence

The pain is unbearable at 1:44pm. I’m already considering calling an ambulance.

The bleeding started gushing around 1:20pm. The pain followed immediately. This is the third menstrual cycle I’ve had which started off very slowly and with dark brown blood. I started late Thursday afternoon, with only the tiniest spotting of dark brown. The pain level was the same as it’s been all month, and centered mostly in the lower back and sides as it has been.
Today is the first day with real, hard core pain, and the blood is getting redder now, less brown “dirty” blood.

I told my spouse yesterday that it’s bad when I have the brown blood, because it means it’s clotting back behind my cervix, and eventually will have to come out, and that’s what causes the cramps, because my cervix has to dilate to push the clots through.

I took one Tylenol 3 – I’m about to take another one after only half an hour. I’m in unbelievable pain. I am afraid. I am home alone. My spouse went off to band practice.

If I make the decision to go to the hospital, I will call my spouse first, and call a local friend second to see if they can take me. Failing that, I call the ambulance.

Regarding my gynecologist, she finally called me back Wednesday afternoon, and was apologetic – she hadn’t typed up the notes from our visit on November 7th because the tiny room we were in had no computer hookup. She said she’d forgotten what all had taken place. We discussed it together, and she remembered as we talked. She said she was putting it all in the computer then, and would give me my referral. She gave me the number to call, but warned I’d not likely get through anytime soon because of the long holiday (Thanksgiving) weekend. She was right.
We discussed what to do should I end up in unmanageable pain again. She said the E.R. is the best place to go because they’ll run blood tests while I’m in the thick of pain, and can do ultrasound or whatever needs to happen right then and there, and give me more powerful meds. I told her I would go next time.

Well here we are I think at ‘next time’.

I’m getting nauseous from the pain. Giving it a few minutes as now the first Tylenol 3 is kicking in as far as being stoned goes. Perhaps I won’t need another. I’m regulating my breathing and talking myself down from panic mode. Journaling helps immensely.

This morning I performed Chi Nei Tsang on myself, because I was tired of having the brown blood. I wanted the flow to start already. I was mad at the cyst and at my body for being broken. I knew that because there was no pain and blood flow right from Thursday evening, it meant that I’d have to miss work again for up to 3 days. This in turn stresses me out because I fear being fired again.

As soon as the pain set in, I emailed my employer and told her what was going on. I’d sent a status update last night, too, so she knows there had been no pain and that late pain arrival was inevitable.

This morning I ate two bowls of gluten-free cereal with almond milk, had a piece of pumpkin pie (minus the crust) with homemade whipped cream (full dairy), and later on, I had some gluten-free white cheddar popcorn (corn/rice puffs). I’ve had two out of three cups of detox tea (kidney and liver tea) today, and have taken 1 ginger capsule and 1 uva ursi capsule today.

I think that’s all the food I’ve eaten. Now that I have Tylenol 3 in me, I’m hungry again. I always get the munchies on Tylenol 3.

I did not take any Ibuprofen today. I wasn’t in much pain until the sudden onset after 1pm, and there was no time to try the Ibuprofen – the pain level shot up to ‘7’ on the scale and called for the big guns, so I took the Tylenol 3.

The spasming uterine pain is fading. Being reclined in bed with the rice bag heating pad helps. I just got a sudden pain in the chest, however. I get that a lot when on Tylenol 3. I know this stuff can kill me.

I am afraid, mad at my body, depressed at losing another sunny day, alternating feeling sorry for myself and mad. The bad feelings do not help my condition. I need to love myself unconditionally despite the illness. I need to find personal strength in this, rather than wallowing in the superficial and the sensory world around me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe I am personally the cause of my illness. I’ve had this since onset of menstruation at age 14, when I was still considered a child. Three of my four aunts have Endometriosis, and so did their mother – my grandmother.

There are new agers out there who say I caused my own illness, that I came into this world with a choice and I chose to be ill. They call it “Law of Attraction.”
Even some of the alternative medicine people I’ve tried to see over the years have purported this to me.

Those people need to spend some special time with the necklace.

…

Well, the pain is stable. It’s stopped ramping up. And I still have a load of laundry out back to take care of. Ugh. I think the neighbors will just have to wait, or move my stuff outta their way if they want the washer.

Today I:

• did two loads of laundry
• cleaned out the big green recycle can in the backyard and put in a biodegradable bag (to hopefully keep the stench down)
• did some dishes
• took out 1 of the 3 recyclables cans from the kitchen
• took out the food scraps
• shopped at two grocery stores on opposite sides of town

And my lower back is of course killing me, so I have a heating pad on it, and soon I will be asleep.

I think I’m still not used to the time change, cuz while I was out shopping, all I wanted to do was cry the entire time. Then again, having to walk so slowly and carefully is really depressing, so perhaps that’s why I’m so emotional. And ovarian cysts make one very emotionally unstable anyway.
Blah.

The month of November for me so far, pain-wise:

As you can see, I’ve not had a break. I’ve missed nearly 4 days of work this month and have not been at top performance at all.

The pain worsened yesterday after having 2 days nearly pain free. I’d been taking it really easy at work and after work. The pain returned on Saturday after being intimate with my husband, and grew worse until I saw my Chi Nei Tsang practitioner at 4pm. She wasn’t able to rid the pain, but was able to transfer it from the front and side to the back, where the pain collected and felt like electric bolts of pain in the bottom of my spine, and then dispersed a little.

Let’s compare this month to previous months:

June: I missed 4 days of work from the pain. I was working through an agency at the time.
July: I missed 2 days of work from the pain. I was working for a private family 3 days a week, so missing 2 out of 3 was a big deal.
August: I missed 1 day of work from the pain.
September: I missed 2 days of work (my 2nd day working for a new private family and I fell ill, but I warned them ahead of time this would happen).
October: I missed 3 ½ days from the pain.
November: I missed nearly 4 days from the pain so far, and have been in near constant pain since my last period.

Because god hates me, I get my period twice this month. I’m due again the day after Thanksgiving. But george could arrive sooner and cause me to miss more work.

The family I work for has expressed frustration with having to miss so much work on account of me. This does not help my anxiety/PTSD issues, nor does it help with the pain. This also brings up again the thought of “wow, what if I’m just not employable at all anymore due to the endometriosis.”

Today, I began my research anew and learned from ovarian-cysts-pcos.com, that what I have firstly is a Functional (physiologic) cyst, and secondly, under that category, it is a corpus luteum cyst.
But I still haven’t found info on how long it takes for a cyst to grow to 4cm in size.

However, ovarian-cysts-pcos.com also tells me the following:

“Rarely, a corpus luteum cyst can grow to 3″-4″ in diameter and potentially bleed into itself, or twist your ovary, thus causing pelvic or abdominal pain.”

Okay, so what I have is considered rare.

This lends further credence to my belief that I should be sent out ASAP for a radiology appointment.

And today is yet another day where I have yet to hear back from my gynecologist.

ovarian-cysts-pcos.com also says the following:

“A recent study from the Institute of Research Pharmacology in Italy analyzed the diet over a ten-year span of 225 women with benign ovarian cysts and 450 women who did not have ovarian cysts.
The researchers discovered that the type of food eaten influenced the development of cysts. For example, they said that women who consumed the most beef and cheese developed the most ovarian cysts. In contrast, consumption of green vegetables provided a strong protective effect. This study makes it clear that what you eat will influence whether or not you develop ovarian cysts.”

The article concludes by saying they’ve written a book chock full of dietary advice, called The Natural Diet Solution to PCOS and Infertility, and notes that the same diet also helps those with ovarian cysts. The book of course is $30.
I might be inclined towards its purchase because they did not refer to their knowledge as “secrets”, nor did they have a website layout mimicking those of scam artists, as the Mary Parker (as mentioned in my previous entry) site does. And, bonus, they gave diet clues in their article.

I also found websites stating that refined sugars and carbs are culprits in ovarian cyst creation. answers.com in particular states

Dietary guidelines for treatment and prevention of cysts include:

• Eliminating caffeine and alcohol.
• Reducing intake of sugars, including honey and maple syrup, and refined starches such as white flour products.
• Increasing use of foods rich in vitamin A and carotenoids; good choices include carrots, tomatoes, and salad greens.
• Eating foods high in B vitamins such as whole grains.
• Including a dietary source of iodine such as seaweed for thyroid support.

Nutritional supplements include:

• Omega-3 essential fatty acids, such as flaxseed oil or evening primrose oil to promote hormonal balance. Essential fatty acids are also found in fatty fish like salmon and trout.
• Vitamins A, C, and E, and the minerals zinc and selenium. Zinc and selenium should be taken at different times. A good multivitamin and mineral supplement is also recommended.

That site also notes
“Cysts less than 1.6 in (4 cm) in diameter are considered normal in premenopausal women”, which again means the 4cm cyst I have is not normal.

Furthermore, let me state again that this is at least the second month in a row where my period was longer than normal, caused nausea, and behaved strangely at onset.

The answers.com site has a lot of other good info in their article on ovarian cysts, too. Check it out.

There are other websites, too, but the answers.com and the ovarian-cysts-pcos.com sites are the two best which educated me in a manner I could understand.
I was sorely disappointed when I clicked a link from google, which took me into another ezinearticles.com article, and that article once again led to another link for scam artist advertising. There was a time when I had considered ezinearticles.com a respectable site. I just checked my own website to make sure I don’t have any ezinearticles.com links on it. I’m glad I don’t.

So…what now?

I have some info on what to do to avoid ovarian cysts in the future, but I still don’t know how long mine has been growing for, which might give me an idea as to whether it’s going to continue to grow larger. And I still don’t have the radiologist appointment to ease my fears as to the danger that this cyst poses.

I’d like to also note that as of Monday, strengthening in pain on Tuesday, I am ovulating again, and this time, the pain is sharp on the other (right) side.

Every other day since my last menstrual cycle ended on November 9th, the pain is heavy enough that I must go to bed with a heating pad placed firstly on my lower back, then alternating to front pelvic region. I have NOT had my energy back like I always get after a menstrual cycle. I’ve also been very constipated, and I’m normally not this bad after my cycle ends. Plus, with the detox diet I’m on, I should be freeing up. I am having more movements per day, but it hurts. The answers.com site says “Other symptoms of cysts include late or missed periods, feelings of pressure or weight in the lower abdomen, and constipation and problems urinating due to internal pressure from cysts.”

Just so I have it for future reference, two other websites to check out for ovarian cyst info:
http://www.emedicine.com/emerg/byname/Ovarian-Cysts.htm
http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/library/DS/00129.html

I’m called my GYN again, and left another message.

Have I mentioned that I feel like I’ll die before I ever get any proper help?

First I am denied access to a radiologist by my current GYN. I *still* have not gotten a call back from that bitch. It’s been a week and a half out of six so far. I believe she should have sent me to a radiologist right then and there. I continue to believe that she will make me wait the full six weeks before referring me.

So I tried going online through my husband’s insurance carrier to find a specialist. I have to register. Ok fine. But no username I picked would please the damned website. So I tried calling the insurance carrier. After navigating the automated phone tree, I was dumped into a void – no sound – but the call was still connected. After a couple of minutes, I hung up in anger.

Anger.

I am mad. I am mad a lot, lately.

I am convinced the anger is a reaction to the fecking cyst pressing on my fecking ovary and/or uterus and messing with my entire emotional state. Lord knows how long this bastard has been growing… let’s look up how long it takes for one of these things to develop.

…well I started this journal entry at 1:34pm on November 18, 2008, and the research took longer than anticipated. I often look up stuff while journaling. But the baby I care for woke up and now I’m back on the job. More later.

November 19, 2008
I still have not been able to determine how long it takes for a cyst to develop and grow to 4cm in size. All the websites I’ve looked at tell me an ovarian cyst starts at one cycle and may continue to grow, but so far I’ve not found any sort of growth rate discussion.
So I have no idea – the cyst could have started last January for all I know, and grown bigger over time as my stress level increased. Most sites I’ve looked at tell me that stress is a huge factor in the creation of painful ovarian cysts, along with having Endometriosis.

Another thing that made me very angry while researching yesterday:
I did a google keyword search for “ovarian cyst psychological”. Two titles caught my eye: “The Only Proven Cures for Ovarian Cysts” and “Complex Ovarian Cyst – Causes and Risks”. Turns out, when you click through, the first one is at buzzle.com and the second one is at ezinearticles.com, but both lead to another click – directing me to that which both sites are quoting from. As soon as I landed on this website, I knew by the layout that it was an ad pitch. I knew that I was not going to be happy by the time I got to the bottom of the page, but I started reading, anyway, in case I could glean any new education about ovarian cysts.

OF COURSE I WAS WRONG.

The website does a really good job of citing piercingly accurate statements about what is going on with one who has ovarian cysts. This draws one in further, because she can totally identify. I found myself saying “YES! Exactly!” at different points on the page, while still remaining skeptical that the author would give any actual ADVICE away. I was right. The author kept referring to info she found out over time from publicly available documents in libraries and such as SECRETS. At the end of the article was her pitch for an e-book, which costs $39, which would reveal these so-called secrets.

I became enraged.

I have a website called Living With Endometriosis, which is a compilation of publicly available information as I discover it, to help others out there with Endometriosis. Sure, I spend hours and days of my life to research this information for free, but it is firstly hours well spent to educate MYSELF in order to try to heal or treat ME.
There is nobody out there who is going to pay me for researching stuff that will help me. The nice thing to do once I have this information, is not to keep it to myself, but to share it with others.

FOR FREE.

BECAUSE I GOT THE INFORMATION I SHARE FOR FREE.

That’s the splendor of the Internet, folks – sharing information freely.

Not so with this Mary Parker woman, who is obviously a selfish, greedy bitch. Anyone who has a website design like that is selling snake oil.

Called the GYN again today. Left yet another message, this time demanding my radiology appointment be moved up from the 6 weeks she wanted to … ASAP. We’ll see how this goes and whether I have to find a new GYN yet again.

I lost count of how many GYNs I’ve been through for the Endometriosis since actively pursuing a diagnosis and treatment. Let’s think…

Dr. Sharon Knight at UCSF who suggested I only have Dysmenorrhea and refused to schedule a laparoscopy, but who gave me a cervical biopsy without any anasthesia and I had no one to take me home but myself.
Dr. Kent J. Farney in Alameda who suggested I have a STD rather than Endometriosis. I filed a formal complaint against him.
Dr. Marilyn Milkman at UCSF / Mt. Zion who performed my surgery but then dropped me cold once the hormonal therapy wasn’t working and I refused to try further hormonal treatments.
Dr. Lisa Bernard-Pearl at Sutter East Bay Medical who gave up on me after several iterations of different pain meds didn’t work out for me, and is now ignoring my pleas to have the radiology appointment sooner than 6 weeks for a 4cm ovarian cyst in the same ovary that was twisted behind my uterus at time of surgery. Let me state again that 4cm is the threshold for cancer concern.

And those are only the specialists. I shudder to think how many general practice doctors I have had over the years who I tried to get treatment for the Endometriosis from, who gave up on me before even referring me to a GYN specialist.

I have new health insurance through my husband, so now I get to review his health plan’s doctors and specialists. Good times.

I have a gut feeling I’ll get cancer in a predisposed area of my body courtesy the Endometriosis, and die of it before I ever get the help I need. My astrological natal chart strongly supports this gut feeling.

Ever since getting diagnosed with a 4cm ovarian cyst on November 7th, I’ve had pain consistently since then.

I did have a good couple of days this weekend that were partly pain-free with regards to the ovarian cyst. But then the pain returned today. I was at a baby shower sitting on a hard chair when the pain hit. I got up and paced around for a bit in another room, then stood through the rest of the event. I had to take 800mg Ibuprofen halfway through the event because of the pain.

The pain feels like it is in both ovaries, now, and I still have the low back pain. Within 4 hours of taking the Ibuprofen, I took half a Tylenol 3. It is not good to take medication right now, because I’m on the herbal detox program, trying to clean out my kidneys and liver, and the medication is what puts a load on the kidneys and liver.

On Friday I had called my GYN again – I’d been leaving messages all week – and finally got through to someone who told me the blood test I took came back fine. That is, I am not anaemic.
But I wanted to know, why do I have to wait 6 weeks to be checked again if the ovarian cyst is already at 4cm? From all that I’m reading, 4cm is the threshold for when one should get a radiology appointment for cancer screening. I want that screening NOW, not in 6 weeks.
I was told I’d get a call back. I never did.

I will call my GYN again tomorrow and try again to be seen earlier than 6 weeks.

The pain is with me every day when I have to sit in my car and drive (an hour or longer each way, depending on traffic). The pain occurs whenever I sit on hard surfaces or have to lean forward, or twist my torso.

The pain feels like I have a full stomach, a full bladder, and am constipated. But I am not constipated because on the herbal detox program, I’ve been having a movement up to 3 times per day.

The pain went away on Friday evening and then returned here and there on Saturday, leaving again by Saturday evening, then returning again by afternoon today.

I’ve never had pelvic region pain last this long before. I want this cyst to be reabsorbed already, dammit. I fear I’ll have no reprieve from the pain before my next menstrual cycle, and that REALLY pisses me off.
George is slated to arrive Thanksgiving Day weekend, and again for Christmas. I’m really just NOT happy right now to also be hosting a huge ovarian cyst which takes any uptime away from me inbetween the downtime.

Before bed, prepare Liver tea, which consists of:
6 parts Comfrey root
6 parts Tanner’s oak bark
3 parts Gravel root (Queen of the meadow)
3 parts Mullein
3 parts Marshmallow root
3 parts Walnut bark
2 parts Milk Thistle herb
2 parts Licorice root
2 parts Wild Yam root
1 part Lobelia plant
1 part Skullcap flower
as prepared bulk by my Qigong practitioner. Use the entire package provided in 2 quarts cold water, placed in a glass or ceramic pot. Bring to the boiling point and then simmer for 20 minutes. Remove from heat and leave the mixture overnight.

Before bed, prepare Kidney tea, which consists of:
1 part Hydrangea roots
1 part Gravel roots (Queen of the meadow)
1 part Marshmallow roots
as prepared bulk by my Qigong practitioner. Use only 1 tbsp of this mixture in a cup of cold water, placed in a glass or ceramic pot. Bring to the boiling point and then simmer for 20 minutes. Remove from heat and leave the mixture overnight.

BEFORE BREAKFAST: (or really any time during the day), heat, do not boil, 2 cups of the Liver Tea and 1 cup of the Kidney Tea and drink each (I find that during initial heating, 1/2 cup water is evaporated, so I just add back a 1/2 cup water at time of straining and reheating).

DURING BREAKFAST: take 1 Ginger capsule and 1 Uva Ursi capsule.

DURING LUNCH: take 1 Ginger capsule

BEFORE DINNER: drink 1 cup of parsley tea, which consists of:
1 cup water with enough fresh parsley to saturate water (about 1/4 bunch). The water should just cover the parsley. Bring just to boiling point, then simmer covered for 3 minutes. Strain the water and discard the parsley. Drink the tea.

DURING DINNER: take 1 Ginger capsule and 2 Uva Ursi capsules.

One day per week — Parasite Maintenance Program:
3 Clove capsules before 1 meal
7 Wormwood capsules before dinner
3 tsp. Black Walnut tincture in 1 cup of water before bed.

So this is what I’ll do from November 17 – December 6.

I lost 2lbs (about 1kg) this week and actually felt the loss, so that made me happy.

I’m getting used to the taste of the Black Walnut tincture, but I can’t stand the parsely tea. I should have done the 7 vegetable soup, instead. Probably this week if I remember…

I’ve become more regular on the detox program (I’m usually quite constipated because I don’t eat enough fruits and greens, and I’m always on painkillers).

By the end of the week, I’d adjusted to having to take 12 capsules of herbal supplements at dinnertime (doesn’t leave much room for actual food, hence the weight loss I’m sure).

I did miss a couple of doses throughout the week, but for the most part stuck to it pretty well. My practitioner told me not to fret over missing doses because everyone does it. ;)

I only did Chi Nei Tsang on myself twice this week. I’m supposed to do it twice per day. But I’m just busy or too full or in pain, or I outright forget. Must do better this week.

I’ve been fretting at work that the child I care for hasn’t had a stroller ride in likely over a month while under my watch. Last month, I was laid up with george, then for the next two weeks, I didn’t want to risk getting sunburned before my wedding, nor did I want to risk getting skin breakouts from sunblock again (I’ve gone through several brands to no avail). Then the week after the wedding, the weather was cold and wet, and I wasn’t feeling well, and then that turned into another week of george.

So yesterday, I was feeling better and still had the energy that began anew on Sunday, and I decided to take the baby for a walk up to the local elementary school and back again.

This still means walking up a steep hill, back down again, and then another steep hill leading back to the child’s house.

And all the while I was prepping the child for her walk, I was excited to get out of the house and be active again, but I had a nagging thought in the back of my head, telling me I should still be taking it easy, and that over exertion could lead to more pain.
But I dismissed the nag with confidence, declaring back to myself that george was gone for another 22ish days, so I’ll be fine.

“But, the cyst…” my inner nag bleated…

“I’ll be FINE.” I retorted inwardly.

So we went on our walk. I must note that the stroller probably weighs about 8lbs, and the baby weighs 18lbs, and the diaper bag is 10lbs. Add to that my huge full water bottle, which weighs 5lbs. That’s 41lbs (18kg) I’m pushing up the hills and holding back on the downhills. It’s quite a workout.

About 1/4 way into the walk, I grew very tired, and my pace slowed to a snail. I usually take it slow walking up hills anyway due to my congenitally misaligned knees (did you know that as a child all the way through high school, I was forbidden by doctor’s orders to participate in any gym exercises that required me to put a lot of stress on my knees?).
But I was walking even slower than usual and was really out of breath.

Even getting up and down from the floor while playing with baby yesterday, I was really out of breath. Moreso than usual after coming back from several days bedridden.

When we got back to the house, the day continued on as normal.

Until around 3pm, when I was sitting on the couch in the living room, and the baby dropped her toy on the floor. She was sitting not more than 18 inches away from me in her exersaucer. Naturally, I leaned forward to pick up the baby’s toy.

That’s when I gasped and nearly fell off the couch from the pain. It was sudden, sharp, jarring, knifing pain. But just like that, it was over with, leaving me near tears, and really fatigued again. Every few minutes, I’d also get a sharp pain through my anus, just like I do right before or during george.

I got the same pains no less than three times apiece while upstairs with the baby, sitting on the floor with her. Each time, I would either lean forward to get up, or I would twist my sitting torso to the side to reach for something when the pain knifed me again.
It didn’t matter which side I turned to.

So I looked up symptoms of an ovarian cyst:

• Lower abdominal or pelvic pain, which may start and stop and may be severe, sudden, and sharp
• Irregular menstrual periods
• Feeling of lower abdominal or pelvic pressure or fullness
• Long-term pelvic pain during menstrual period that may also be felt in the lower back
• Pelvic pain after strenuous exercise or sexual intercourse
• Pain or pressure with urination or bowel movements
• Nausea and vomiting
• Vaginal pain or spots of blood from vagina

I have most of those symptoms (except for the pain w/ bowel movements and vaginal pain/bleeding). I’m watching closely to see if any non-menstrual-cycle bleeding develops. If it does, I’m hightailing it to the emergency room. There’s a whole other list of stuff I have to watch for, which will land me in the E.R., too.

When the baby’s mother got home from work, I had a talk with her. I asked her how this arrangement is working out, now that she’s had a chance to see my illness in action, and knowing well ahead of me working for her that I have Endometriosis, but not knowing that I’d developed a cyst, which gave more uncertainty to the days off of work.

She replied that it’s really frustrating and tough on her and her husband. But she still thinks it’s working out well with me as their nanny because the baby, although getting off to a rough start, has really taken to me.

While talking with her, I leaned forward and gasped in horrific pain again. The mother stopped mid-sentence and looked at me. I told her “it’s that fast, the pain is gone. It happens when I sit forward. It’s the cyst.”

The parent continued that she worries that although her job and her husband’s job says it’s fine that they take 1-3 days off work each month on account of me, they are worried that at some point in the not too distant future, their jobs will decide otherwise – that it’s actually NOT okay.
They both work for the dotcom industry, and having worked there for a decade myself, I totally understand that fear. Dotcoms are notoriously backstabbing towards their employees.

I asked the parent if she had any sort of backup – a substitute – in place for when I’m not there. She said no. I asked her if I could appeal to the Bay Area Nanny group that I belong to. She said not unless there’s someone there that I know in person and really trust. I told her there’s not, because I’m new to the group and haven’t actually met anyone in person, yet.

So basically, they are screwing themselves. I advised them of my illness and sent them resources to educate them of my illness before I started working for them. If something happens to me, they’re totally up shit’s creek. This is in no way my fault. I must not let any thinking get into my head that I HAVE to be here at all costs for this family. I’ve had a lot of problems easing into this family – they didn’t have their baby bottle or sleep trained when I arrived. They didn’t have their baby socialised in any form – she’d only been around mommy, and mommy took 2 extra months of maternity leave. So instead of isolation for four months, it was six months, extending into the phase of a child’s life where it begins to develop fear of strangers. This is also in no way my fault. I have tried my best to be the best person for this job and for this family. I will continue to do my best but it is time that I work on a replacement and start presenting options to the family.

Getting back to the side effects of having this ovarian cyst, on my way home from work, I had gotten no further than 2 miles when sudden fatigue and weakness overtook me. I literally had to fight to hold onto the steering wheel, and keep my eyes open. The lower back pain set in on the way home, affecting both sides of my lower back. Not even my little car pillow helped ease the pain.
When I got home, I staggered through the front door and almost collapsed in my husband’s arms. I had no bleeding – just massive fatigue and moderate low back pain. I was put immediately to bed with a heating pad. I napped for at least half an hour before my husband insisted I have some dinner. After dinner, I watched some TV while still applying a heating pad. At one point, I broke down and sobbed to my husband that I feel like I somehow either manifested the ovarian cyst with all the stress of wedding planning over a year’s time, or the cyst was already forming and made me so much girlier than I normally am, and I should have caught that as a warning sign rather than thinking it was the wedding planning itself making me more girly. My husband told me not to think like that, that it’s totally out of my control and not my fault. He hugged me tight.
I went to bed for the night at 9:30pm, about two hours earlier than I normally get to bed these days.

Got up this morning feeling better, and went off to work. Halfway to work, I was overcome with massive fatigue again, and moderate low back pain. In addition to that, I developed left side shoulder stiffness with mild pain.

I started to really worry that a hospital visit is in my near future.
When I got to work, I let the parent know my current condition. She and my husband do have each other’s cell numbers ever since the emergency on Friday when I had to leave work.

I called my GYN yesterday for status but have not heard back from her. Feeling very frustrated right now.

Also, totally taking it easy for the rest of the week, if not the rest of the month. No strenuous exercise for me. The baby wrangling is exercise enough.